This sounds a lot like something my ex would have done to people near the end of our relationship and me cutting her out of my life. (She had changed A LOT, into someone like K, self centered and a liar.)
Odds are that K thinks she is somehow the victim, you should not try fix her or understand her.
Yeah, given the crap which has happened today (convoluted nonsense I'm not going to type out: "she is crazy") it is obvious that she thinks she is the victim. And I honestly have no idea how she can think this.
pretty much after what happened today I am not talking to her anymore, am not worried about her well-being, and right now am just focusing on feeling better.
I really would like to know what happened, but she made it clear that she does not want to talk to me so there is nothing I can do.
As a friend said to me tonight, usually relationships end in a sort of murky way with the people trying to be friends, or still hanging out, or maybe saying 'we are broken up' but then watching a movie and making out or something...so the whole process gets strung along.
This is entirely not that. Sunday we are fine. Monday shit hits the fan. Tuesday she goes absolutely fucking psychotic. So, yeah, there has been a definate break and there is no way we will ever be friends or anything more again.
I just have no idea how the fuck this happened. I asked someone a question, that person said "Oh, K is dating B" and the whole thing just revealed that the past 3+ months of my life with her have been an absolute lie.
_J_, things will absolutely get better for you, eventually. Just...forget about her through friends, exercise, and ice cream. Seriously. Friends friends friends.
And think about it this way...at least it was only 3 months out of your life. Imagine if it was longer? 3 months, though it may seem it, isn't much in terms of relationships. I'm not saying your relationship didn't mean much or anything like that, I'm saying it's a rather insignificant amount of time.
I sincerely hope that everything works out for you.
I realize that the time was, in the scope of things, insignificant. But the amount of time we spent together in those three months and the topics of discussion were such that it felt as if this was something building towards something more.
As others have noted, that she said "I would say yes if you proposed" after being with me for such a short time probably ought to have been a warning sign, in addition to all of the other warning signs. But it felt like something which was significant that turned out to be, in the end, one gigantic lie.
Still am not sure how I feel. But spending time with friends and airing my grievances, while reading the input from others here, has greatly helped me to deal with what is, fundamentally, an incredibly fucked up situation.
So, thanks. We shall see what magical treat is in store for me tomorrow.
I realize that the time was, in the scope of things, insignificant. But the amount of time we spent together in those three months and the topics of discussion were such that it felt as if this was something building towards something more.
As others have noted, that she said "I would say yes if you proposed" after being with me for such a short time probably ought to have been a warning sign, in addition to all of the other warning signs. But it felt like something which was significant that turned out to be, in the end, one gigantic lie.
Still am not sure how I feel. But spending time with friends and airing my grievances, while reading the input from others here, has greatly helped me to deal with what is, fundamentally, an incredibly fucked up situation.
So, thanks. We shall see what magical treat is in store for me tomorrow.
Fuuuuuck.
My fiancé simply said this: "You are absolved of all sins/responsibilities."
There's heaps of good advice here, especially inquisitor77's, particularly the rewiring-the-neurons part.
The horrible, stomach-churning pangs of yearning/regret/sadness/doubt over my recent dude-related-fuck-up have calmed down significantly, to the point where today I thought of the guy, had a little butterfly moment and was able to quash it with a shrug, after doing this type of thing.
I wouldn't have been able to deal with it a few weeks ago. A definite no-contact-no-matter-what rule has helped me. If he did call, or message, I'd ignore the call / delete the message immediately without reading, and then delete any missed calls, or voice mails, or contact list references.
No reminders. They really just have to stop existing.
So I know this has probably been said a bunch of times in this thread, and said better, but the best thing you can do is just move on. I know, "that's easy to say", but years ago I was in a similar position and I finally figured out, after months of beating myself up, wondering why it had happened, that the only thing that really was going to make it stop hurting was to stop thinking about it. Yeah, there are a lot of reasons why K could have done what she did, but speculating on them, even knowing them, isn't going to change what happened. At best, you're going to be dissatisfied with the reason behind it because it would probably be something like simple selfishness, and at worst, well... you would feel worse.
Things happen in life and sometimes, even often, they suck. They suck a lot. This isn't because you're a bad person, or because the universe is out to get you. It's just the unfortunate way of things. And, for you, things will get better because at some point you'll meet someone who will make everything that happened to you before cease to matter to you. Just don't wrap yourself up in what happened, because the worst thing you can do to yourself is to live in the whys and the maybes of your past.
We don't know each other, but I do know this; you deserve better. Every person does. Good luck.
_J_, i was in a similar situation a couple years ago (talked about it on this forum actually, though i was the other guy in this situation (the one dating her longer). I completely empathize. Do not be afraid to feel sad, and do NOT be afraid to feel angry. I had problems letting go at first due to refusing to being angry, and still caring too much about her, hoping i could "fix" the situation (aka "fix" her). Once I made the decision to take all objects reminding me of her and boxing them away or throwing them away, and accepting she would never be part of my life again, did I finally start living my life again. Have not spoke a word to her since.
6 months after that point i was going through my life, content with who i was, and content with not dating anyone. Then I met a girl who is honest with me and respects me (things I did not get for the year + i was with the other girl). That was almost 2 years ago and thankfully I've had a healthy relationship this whole time.
Though there's no way I would admit it at the time, but if I could go back and prevent that whole situation from happening, I wouldn't. I was such a different person before I went through that hardship, and I came out the other end a better person for it.
Just trying to put a positive spin on this. Good things can come out of bad situations. hold in there.
I recognize that this is all going to take a bit of time, but right now I'm trying to skip over what ought to take a few months and get through it in a week. That seems impossible, but K and I are both in the same department and I have two classes with her.
So, people are correct in that I need to completely remove everything that reminds me of her from my life and stop talking to her. But next tuesday i'm going to be sitting at a table and she's going to be there too, and next wednesday we'll be in the same lecture hall.
And I can just stare at other things and try to ignore her. But it is going to hurt like hell. And I'm just trying to get as "fixed" as fast as I can now in order to ease the pain which is going to come next week.
If anyone has any ideas for how to speed up the process I would appreciate hearing them. I don't know if I need to get really fucking depressed and cry, or really fucking mad, or what I need to do.
I know how I want to feel, but I do not know how to get there. Maybe I could just try acting that way and fake it for a bit and then hope it becomes real? No idea.
I say delete those messages NOW. There is never going to be a point in your life where you're going to say "oh hey I'm so glad I saved these." They are going to cause you undue amounts of pain now and won't do anything positive for you. Your relationship with this girl is over, getting rid of the detritus will make it easier to accept that fact.
I'm a big proponent of getting rid of everything that reminds you of an ex. Hell, I've thrown out leftover food that reminded me of one. The one thing I'd say though is when it comes to emails is that tucking them away where you won't read them can be valuable. Why? Because it gives you something to read and a bit of perspective the next time you go through heartache. Quite seriously. I hit a rough patch with a break-up last year and it was really interesting to reread emails from previous girlfriends that I had longed for from several years prior.
But that only works if you won't read them now.
It can be hard to completely remove someone from the ability to contact them. I've always liked writing down, or saving, their contact info and then deleting them from my phone. If I absolutely have to contact them, I can, but it keeps any drunken mistakes from happening too. If you can't bear to remove them from social networking then hiding all of their updates and then never checking their page works as well.
Basically, it all revolves around not giving into temptation. And working out. Lots of working out.
At the moment I need to keep the messages and e-mails. B (the other guy she was dating) is supposed to contact me in a few days to talk. At the moment he does not believe that she was dating both of us, but he wants to talk to me to try to figure out what happened.
So I need to hang onto those things so that when he and I talk I can provide the evidence that she was dating us both. Pretty sure the "I love you and want to be with you, J" text from her I have saved on my phone will tell him what he needs to know.
He's a nice guy...so I want to try to help him understand what is going on. I'm, surprisingly, not in a vindictive mood such that I want him to stay with her and keep getting used.
At the moment I need to keep the messages and e-mails. B (the other guy she was dating) is supposed to contact me in a few days to talk. At the moment he does not believe that she was dating both of us, but he wants to talk to me to try to figure out what happened.
So I need to hang onto those things so that when he and I talk I can provide the evidence that she was dating us both. Pretty sure the "I love you and want to be with you, J" text from her I have saved on my phone will tell him what he needs to know.
He's a nice guy...so I want to try to help him understand what is going on. I'm, surprisingly, not in a vindictive mood such that I want him to stay with her and keep getting used.
Remember though, if you want to get over this as soon as possible you need to put yourself first. If this guy takes too much time to realize what's going on it's not your fault.
While I agree he deserves to know was well, if it starts making things harder for you, you have to think of yourself. Breakups (especially harsh ones like this) are one of the few cases in life where selfishness is acceptable, if not necessary. My opinion of course.
Edit: Also to get over it quicker. Well, the best advice I can say is make sure you do what's best for you one day at a time. Eliminate reminders, if you are reminded of her, feel the sadness/anger, then go on with your day. Take care of your basic needs first, make sure you're eating regularly and have a consistent sleep schedule. Then focus on school work/job/friends. I understand it'll be difficult seeing her in classes, but I'm assuming it's only for the semester and then you won't have to worry about it after that.
Keeping stuff is fine. The advice to get rid of everything works if the fear is that you'll rebound and get back together with the person if the opportunity arises. In your case, you've already severed it, and now you're like "well shit, what do I do now." You're not reading stuff to have a pity party; you're occasionally reading it and thinking "huh, this is kind of surreal."
You're handling it very businesslike which is good. There's nothing wrong with that, and you should do what you think is best for the situation. If that involves keeping all the shit and spending some time in the future playing detective to see how she did this, then great. But not if it's just going to piss you off, or make you depressed.
Here's a story, meant to make you think "I'm glad things didn't get that bad, I feel lucky now."
Man dates Woman A. At some point, starts dating Woman B as well. Woman A and B both become pregnant. Man is there for both of them, and helps raise children. For 6 years. Then the women find out. Man sticks with Woman A and gets married to her, despite her knowing, leaves Woman B and her child behind.
Woman B's daughter now has emotional baggage because of these events. True story.
Yeah, I am not going to put too much effort into trying to convince B of anything. But I think he and I both deserve to talk to one another and hear the other's story. And if I show him the texts messages, IM conversations, and her clothing that is over here and he says "Yeah, you're faking all of this" or "I do not believe she would do this" then I am not going to lose any sleep over it. He has the right to see the evidence, but what he does with that is not my concern.
I still feel like there is a crash coming, that I have not yet bottomed out. And so right now I am entirely uncertain of myself and what I am feeling. This morning my chest was hurting but no tears came. So I do not know if this is going to be a gradual thing or how this is all going to play out in my mind.
Listen, we've all been here. We've all been laid low before. It's awful. It's wretched. You quite literally don't want to do anything.
But you have to. Even if all you do is force your ass out of the chair or off the couch and go through the motions of doing something: going for a walk, reading a book, sitting in the sunshine. Doing anything will help. Time alone doing nothing is the enemy here. Seriously. Time spent wading deep in introspection is going to cause you no end of grief. It's all you want to do, I know--trust me, I've been there more times than I care to admit--but you just can't do it.
Friends have been coming over to talk in the evenings and we will go for walks or out to a bar where we know K will not be. So I'm not holed up here all of the time.
But in the afternoon I mostly just stare at the ceiling. Then in the evenings I go out and they listen to me basically repeat "We dated for three months, and she was with another guy THE WHOLE TIME!"
Cause that is what is in my mind at the moment.
_J_ on
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Inquisitor772 x Penny Arcade Fight Club ChampionA fixed point in space and timeRegistered Userregular
edited April 2010
When you go out with your friends, STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT. When there is awkward silence, bring up something else to talk about so you don't think about her. It's hard, but you have to force yourself to move on.
You know that science experiment with the kids and the marshmallow? Right now, you're the kid, and she's the marshmallow. The kids that do well on that task don't do well because they have magical powers of self-control. They do well because they force themselves to think about or do other things.
You know that science experiment with the kids and the marshmallow? Right now, you're the kid, and she's the marshmallow.
Fuck man, that's brilliant. I've never thought about it that way before but that is literally it. How well can you control your impulse for immediate gratification at the expense of long term benefit?
When you go out with your friends, STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT. When there is awkward silence, bring up something else to talk about so you don't think about her. It's hard, but you have to force yourself to move on.
Friends are there for support. They're there for you to rage and mope about this for a while. You will eventually burn them out, but for the short-term it should be fine. It's only after a while that of this that you'll have to learn to keep it under your hat and start going about the process of moving on. But this all went down within the last couple days, yeah? You're well within your rights to be distraught. Just don't let it consume you in the long run.
I think the marshmallow example is fine. The problem is that I am trying to both get through this and honestly deal with it...and I think staring at a wall feeling sorry for myself two days after the fact is permissible and understandable.
I am trying to sort of do both. So friends will come over and we talk about stuff, or I will go out to a bar or go to someone else's house or go for a walk, but then I come back here and think about it and try to think through it. Then I go try to do something else.
It's fucking weird. I'm trying to actually get over something which was terribly hurtful quickly, but honestly. And the honesty part, I think, is trying to deal with the emotions and not just squeeze them into a bitter little ball which I release at an appropriate time. I'm trying to deal with the emotions..but quickly.
I can promise you that you will never, ever understand her or her reasons for acting this way and that nothing good will ever come of trying. The best thing you could possibly do is to walk away and meet new people and never dive any deeper into this than you have so far.
Pheezer on
IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I can promise you that you will never, ever understand her or her reasons for acting this way and that nothing good will ever come of trying. The best thing you could possibly do is to walk away and meet new people and never dive any deeper into this than you have so far.
Yeah. The problem is that we will still interract given that we are both in the same department. But I think the thing I have to realize and accept is that what we had before was not real, and there is no degree to which I am attached to her any more. So, I am not responsible for her or beholden to her. I have to live my life and she has to be left to fuck up other's lives.
I obviously still cared about her right after this happened, as my posts indicated, and I thought that I was still responsible for her actions (indicated by my trying to talk to her other boyfriend and tell him what was going on) but, really, that obligation only existed in my mind; there was nothing actually requiring me to do any of that.
So I am me, she is she, and we're just two persons going about our lives. The only real requirement on my part is to keep in mind that she is an evil, psychotic whore.
The trick is going to be keeping all of this in mind as I move forward and not collapsing into a pit of despair and depression when I next see her.
Fuck fuck fuck
_J_ on
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LibrarianThe face of liberal fascismRegistered Userregular
edited April 2010
I am going to go against some of the advice given her, in how to cope with this.
It has been barely 3(!) days now, it is absolutely understandable that you feel devastated and there is nothing whiny or emo about that.
If you need a couple days on your own where you listen to sad music and write bad poetry now is the time, just don't overdo it.
In fact I would find it rather strange if you would just ignore everything what happened and went to party all night long now straight away.
Also your friends should be there for you now and you can bother them with this.
All I'm saying, a grieving process is kinda normal in this situation, I do not believe in trying to escape that by ignoring it.
And saying that other people had it worse also NEVER helps when someone is feeling down.
Sure, the poor kids in Ethiopia starve and there is kids that lost their limbs to landmines, that just won't improve your condition, maybe only make you feel worse because you are miserable when you are so much better off.
Has this been cited as the reason you don't dip your pen in the company ink? It's to avoid having to work for the next several years next to the person who cheated on you.
I have no advice, or help. Indeed, I am wasting everyones time here in H/A at the moment.
But... BUUT! I love the writing style in the first post. I don't know if that's just how you write, or if you assumed a detached robot persona to dictate challenging circumstances through, but its a joy to read.
Has this been cited as the reason you don't dip your pen in the company ink? It's to avoid having to work for the next several years next to the person who cheated on you.
He should avoid dating women with the same major as him? He'll see her in lecture and lab this semester. Next semester he'll have enough time to craft a schedule to get her out of his hair altogether.
Dating coworkers, meanwhile, is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. It's quite doable, but you better make sure you really like the girl before you go through with it. Trust me. I've seen a number of people make it work, but man, when it goes wrong...
I recognize that this is all going to take a bit of time, but right now I'm trying to skip over what ought to take a few months and get through it in a week. That seems impossible, but K and I are both in the same department and I have two classes with her.
So, people are correct in that I need to completely remove everything that reminds me of her from my life and stop talking to her. But next tuesday i'm going to be sitting at a table and she's going to be there too, and next wednesday we'll be in the same lecture hall.
And I can just stare at other things and try to ignore her. But it is going to hurt like hell. And I'm just trying to get as "fixed" as fast as I can now in order to ease the pain which is going to come next week.
If anyone has any ideas for how to speed up the process I would appreciate hearing them. I don't know if I need to get really fucking depressed and cry, or really fucking mad, or what I need to do.
I know how I want to feel, but I do not know how to get there. Maybe I could just try acting that way and fake it for a bit and then hope it becomes real? No idea.
For some perspective on this. My freshman year in college I started dating another girl from my group of friends. She was also in my major. Much the same situation as you, but longer term, also minus the cheating. But the moody, hard to deal with often kind of thing. The surety that it was the real deal. Then just before Fall finals sophomore year she dumped me. I spent the next semester a complete mess (by the way, i really wish i'd been on this forum back then. You guys are rockin.) I had a few classes with her in them. One of them was a software design class in which she was the only other student. And our grade in that class was dependent on our final project. Fortunately it was a Credit/No Credit class and our professor I think picked up what was going on because with me attending maybe 50% of the classes, falling asleep while being talked to, and neither of us having anything to show at the end, it would have been bad otherwise.
You're doing a lot of stuff well here, but the advice given by everyone is correct. Don't dwell on it. Don't look over old messages. Don't try to reason it out. You already know roughly why. She has problems. They're not your fault. Don't try to think back on the good times, or if you must, file them away in the same way you do your memories of licking worms as a kid. Fun then, but not anything you'd like to go back to. DO hang out with friends, in contexts where you won't see her. DO pick up a new hobby or an old abandoned hobby. DO box up all her stuff and toss all your correspondence.
Nope. He sent a text to...I think in the OP it was Player C...last night which said "i know the truth". Not sure what "the truth" is that he knows...but...apparently he thinks he knows what happened. So I do not know if he will contact me now. If he wants to see the shit I have and talk that's cool. If he wants to believe whatever that's cool. I don't really want to spend time worrying about his well-being.
I talked to some more people about it today and, since we're in the same department, tried to be discrete and not use proper nouns, but they each said, "Uh, J, we heard what happened." So, I mean, it's been three days and the truth is seeping out there. And everyone I talked to said, "Yeah, that's fucked up".
I mean, I have yet to talk to anyone who can say "oh, I understand why she would do that." She dated two guys in the department at the same time...and kept it a secret from everyone. So, professionally that was idiotic, socially it was idiotic, philosophically it was idiotic, morally it was idiotic. So fuck if I know what she was thinking.
But... BUUT! I love the writing style in the first post. I don't know if that's just how you write, or if you assumed a detached robot persona to dictate challenging circumstances through, but its a joy to read.
Thanks. I have been told that I have a narrative voice, what with my makin' words all perty.
Thanks for teh compliment. K enjoyed my writing style as well. Hopefully, though, that is all you have in common with her.
I don't know if this helps or hurts, but I'll give some perspective from someone who's done something similar to what she did. I once had a long term gf I'd been seeing on and off for years. We couldn't get over each other, and we always wound up back together every time we broke up. I sort of felt like the heartbreaks and make-ups calloused my heart a bit. In one of our "off" phases, I found someone else. As you can imagine, my ex and I got back together. At the same time, I was too chicken to break it off with the other girl. I didn't want to hurt her. Even though I logically knew it would hurt her even more in the long run to not tell her the truth, I couldn't bring myself to do it whenever I saw her or talked to her. At the same time, my break-up and make-up cycle made me scared for myself. Part of me liked having a "back-up" girl, even though I knew how wrong it was. I just wanted to protect myself and my own heart. I was like a cornered animal, willing to do whatever it took to protect myself. I was able to rationalize it plenty at the time, too. Neither girl was awesome to me, which helped me suppress any remorse. Anyway, I've never done anything like that since, and I'll step out of the confession booth now.
Honestly though, from what I've heard, the girl in your situation probably isn't going to mend her ways, and I sure wouldn't advise giving her another chance. I wouldn't have given me another chance.
You'll spend the first days spinning yourself in a circle trying to figure out why someone would behave the way that she did. I'd tell you to not do that, but that isn't useful. It can't be helped. But as long as you can accept the fact that finding out why may take a long time, or may even never come at all, then you'll eventually be all right.
I once dated a girl who pulled the very-sudden-no-real-reason breakup card. For six months I agonized over what the hell happened and if I could have fixed it. Eventually, I realized I just wasn't in a position to find out and I had to go about the rest of my life. Almost a year later I saw her at a bar. Walking back to our respective cars she poured our her heart, filling me in on how she had been damaged goods from a previous relationship, freaked out in the face of something real, and bailed.
So sometimes that clarity comes in time. Sometimes it never comes at all. Acceptance that you may never have it is the hardest part, but it's also the most important.
If you think that finding out why she did this to you will give you closure, it won't. I know you're going to spin your wheels for a while trying to come up with an explanation, and that's natural, but the sooner you get over that, the better.
I've been in a situation almost identical to yours - a girl who I'd been dating for a few months, who I really liked (or thought I did), just up and told me that she'd been seeing other people. A few days later, before this really sunk in, she calls me and says that she wants to be exclusive with some other guy she was seeing. That fucking sucked, I tell you what.
I spent way too much time wondering what was so bad about me, and what was so great about this guy, that she'd choose him over me.
I finally gave up trying to figure that out. I didn't "give up" on it in the negative sense (quitting a worthwhile endeavor because it's too hard), I gave up in the same way that one "gives up" smoking. Figuring out her reasons wouldn't undo what she'd done, and I'd probably never figure it out, so I stopped banking closure on that. After that, moving on wasn't nearly as difficult.
And not that this is totally relevant, but I found out through a mutual friend that she pulled the exact same shit on the guy she dumped me for, and then on the guy she dumped him for, and so on - I learned that, after me, she did this exact same routine with 3 guys over a period of a little over a year. I also found out that, before we were dating, she'd been engaged twice, and neither of those relationships ended well.
I have no idea why she does this, but it didn't matter by that point. I'd stopped caring. Knowing that it probably had little to do with any of my shortcomings (of which there are plenty) provided some comfort, but it was just a nice bonus, if that makes any sense.
This afternoon I talked to a few people about this and they all said "Yeah, J, we heard. That is fucked up." And that made me feel somewhat better about things; the truth was getting out there and people were agreeing with me. But then, like an hour ago, I was talking to a friend and he said that he saw K out with some people from the department. And for some reason that made me depressed.
I think I felt better once I thought people were on my side, but then when I was informed that there are still people who hang out with her (my guess is either they do not know what happened, or heard but do not care, or she lied to them) that somehow decreased my happiness.
So I guess that, in my mind, I was feeling better partially based upon an understanding that other people agreed with me, and that reinforced that I had been wronged. But when I heard that she was out with people...it subverted my understanding that I was right...or maybe I'm trying to feel better based upon my thought that, maybe, she feels bad about this or lost some friends.
But, apparently, she's still out being sociable and hasn't given me a second thought.
I recognize that, ideally, I would not concern myself with her and I ought to be happy completely regardless of her and anything she does. So if she continues to have friends and has a billion boyfriends I ought to still be happy, because my life has nothing to do with her now.
But, apparently, I still think of myself as still somehow attached to her, in some sense, insofar as my hearing about her being sociable resulted in my being quite depressed at the moment.
I just thought I was doing quite well today...but then I heard that she was out being social with people and I kind of died inside again.
I don't know if this has been brought up: since you all work at the same place, do you need to give HR any sort of heads up in case she (or the other guy, if he's deluded) decides to cause some shit?
Wait... maybe I am confused. I was assuming this was an education department at a university. Is this at a job?
Also, J, what you are feeling is common. It can be hard to witness someone you shared a lot of time with spending time with others. Especially if you have been wronged. Don't read too much into it. I just chalk it up to heart sickness. When you eventually move on, those feelings should pass.
Posts
You don't live in Canada do you? Ha ha ha.
Yeah, given the crap which has happened today (convoluted nonsense I'm not going to type out: "she is crazy") it is obvious that she thinks she is the victim. And I honestly have no idea how she can think this.
pretty much after what happened today I am not talking to her anymore, am not worried about her well-being, and right now am just focusing on feeling better.
I really would like to know what happened, but she made it clear that she does not want to talk to me so there is nothing I can do.
As a friend said to me tonight, usually relationships end in a sort of murky way with the people trying to be friends, or still hanging out, or maybe saying 'we are broken up' but then watching a movie and making out or something...so the whole process gets strung along.
This is entirely not that. Sunday we are fine. Monday shit hits the fan. Tuesday she goes absolutely fucking psychotic. So, yeah, there has been a definate break and there is no way we will ever be friends or anything more again.
I just have no idea how the fuck this happened. I asked someone a question, that person said "Oh, K is dating B" and the whole thing just revealed that the past 3+ months of my life with her have been an absolute lie.
And think about it this way...at least it was only 3 months out of your life. Imagine if it was longer? 3 months, though it may seem it, isn't much in terms of relationships. I'm not saying your relationship didn't mean much or anything like that, I'm saying it's a rather insignificant amount of time.
I sincerely hope that everything works out for you.
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As others have noted, that she said "I would say yes if you proposed" after being with me for such a short time probably ought to have been a warning sign, in addition to all of the other warning signs. But it felt like something which was significant that turned out to be, in the end, one gigantic lie.
Still am not sure how I feel. But spending time with friends and airing my grievances, while reading the input from others here, has greatly helped me to deal with what is, fundamentally, an incredibly fucked up situation.
So, thanks. We shall see what magical treat is in store for me tomorrow.
Fuuuuuck.
My fiancé simply said this: "You are absolved of all sins/responsibilities."
Good luck.
The horrible, stomach-churning pangs of yearning/regret/sadness/doubt over my recent dude-related-fuck-up have calmed down significantly, to the point where today I thought of the guy, had a little butterfly moment and was able to quash it with a shrug, after doing this type of thing.
I wouldn't have been able to deal with it a few weeks ago. A definite no-contact-no-matter-what rule has helped me. If he did call, or message, I'd ignore the call / delete the message immediately without reading, and then delete any missed calls, or voice mails, or contact list references.
No reminders. They really just have to stop existing.
Things happen in life and sometimes, even often, they suck. They suck a lot. This isn't because you're a bad person, or because the universe is out to get you. It's just the unfortunate way of things. And, for you, things will get better because at some point you'll meet someone who will make everything that happened to you before cease to matter to you. Just don't wrap yourself up in what happened, because the worst thing you can do to yourself is to live in the whys and the maybes of your past.
We don't know each other, but I do know this; you deserve better. Every person does. Good luck.
6 months after that point i was going through my life, content with who i was, and content with not dating anyone. Then I met a girl who is honest with me and respects me (things I did not get for the year + i was with the other girl). That was almost 2 years ago and thankfully I've had a healthy relationship this whole time.
Though there's no way I would admit it at the time, but if I could go back and prevent that whole situation from happening, I wouldn't. I was such a different person before I went through that hardship, and I came out the other end a better person for it.
Just trying to put a positive spin on this. Good things can come out of bad situations. hold in there.
So, people are correct in that I need to completely remove everything that reminds me of her from my life and stop talking to her. But next tuesday i'm going to be sitting at a table and she's going to be there too, and next wednesday we'll be in the same lecture hall.
And I can just stare at other things and try to ignore her. But it is going to hurt like hell. And I'm just trying to get as "fixed" as fast as I can now in order to ease the pain which is going to come next week.
If anyone has any ideas for how to speed up the process I would appreciate hearing them. I don't know if I need to get really fucking depressed and cry, or really fucking mad, or what I need to do.
I know how I want to feel, but I do not know how to get there. Maybe I could just try acting that way and fake it for a bit and then hope it becomes real? No idea.
I'm a big proponent of getting rid of everything that reminds you of an ex. Hell, I've thrown out leftover food that reminded me of one. The one thing I'd say though is when it comes to emails is that tucking them away where you won't read them can be valuable. Why? Because it gives you something to read and a bit of perspective the next time you go through heartache. Quite seriously. I hit a rough patch with a break-up last year and it was really interesting to reread emails from previous girlfriends that I had longed for from several years prior.
But that only works if you won't read them now.
It can be hard to completely remove someone from the ability to contact them. I've always liked writing down, or saving, their contact info and then deleting them from my phone. If I absolutely have to contact them, I can, but it keeps any drunken mistakes from happening too. If you can't bear to remove them from social networking then hiding all of their updates and then never checking their page works as well.
Basically, it all revolves around not giving into temptation. And working out. Lots of working out.
So I need to hang onto those things so that when he and I talk I can provide the evidence that she was dating us both. Pretty sure the "I love you and want to be with you, J" text from her I have saved on my phone will tell him what he needs to know.
He's a nice guy...so I want to try to help him understand what is going on. I'm, surprisingly, not in a vindictive mood such that I want him to stay with her and keep getting used.
Remember though, if you want to get over this as soon as possible you need to put yourself first. If this guy takes too much time to realize what's going on it's not your fault.
While I agree he deserves to know was well, if it starts making things harder for you, you have to think of yourself. Breakups (especially harsh ones like this) are one of the few cases in life where selfishness is acceptable, if not necessary. My opinion of course.
Edit: Also to get over it quicker. Well, the best advice I can say is make sure you do what's best for you one day at a time. Eliminate reminders, if you are reminded of her, feel the sadness/anger, then go on with your day. Take care of your basic needs first, make sure you're eating regularly and have a consistent sleep schedule. Then focus on school work/job/friends. I understand it'll be difficult seeing her in classes, but I'm assuming it's only for the semester and then you won't have to worry about it after that.
You're handling it very businesslike which is good. There's nothing wrong with that, and you should do what you think is best for the situation. If that involves keeping all the shit and spending some time in the future playing detective to see how she did this, then great. But not if it's just going to piss you off, or make you depressed.
Here's a story, meant to make you think "I'm glad things didn't get that bad, I feel lucky now."
Man dates Woman A. At some point, starts dating Woman B as well. Woman A and B both become pregnant. Man is there for both of them, and helps raise children. For 6 years. Then the women find out. Man sticks with Woman A and gets married to her, despite her knowing, leaves Woman B and her child behind.
Woman B's daughter now has emotional baggage because of these events. True story.
I still feel like there is a crash coming, that I have not yet bottomed out. And so right now I am entirely uncertain of myself and what I am feeling. This morning my chest was hurting but no tears came. So I do not know if this is going to be a gradual thing or how this is all going to play out in my mind.
Going to go back to staring at the ceiling.
Thanks for the advice / support.
This all fucking sucks.
Do something.
This is the opposite of what's good.
Listen, we've all been here. We've all been laid low before. It's awful. It's wretched. You quite literally don't want to do anything.
But you have to. Even if all you do is force your ass out of the chair or off the couch and go through the motions of doing something: going for a walk, reading a book, sitting in the sunshine. Doing anything will help. Time alone doing nothing is the enemy here. Seriously. Time spent wading deep in introspection is going to cause you no end of grief. It's all you want to do, I know--trust me, I've been there more times than I care to admit--but you just can't do it.
But in the afternoon I mostly just stare at the ceiling. Then in the evenings I go out and they listen to me basically repeat "We dated for three months, and she was with another guy THE WHOLE TIME!"
Cause that is what is in my mind at the moment.
You know that science experiment with the kids and the marshmallow? Right now, you're the kid, and she's the marshmallow. The kids that do well on that task don't do well because they have magical powers of self-control. They do well because they force themselves to think about or do other things.
Go out and do something else.
Fuck man, that's brilliant. I've never thought about it that way before but that is literally it. How well can you control your impulse for immediate gratification at the expense of long term benefit?
Friends are there for support. They're there for you to rage and mope about this for a while. You will eventually burn them out, but for the short-term it should be fine. It's only after a while that of this that you'll have to learn to keep it under your hat and start going about the process of moving on. But this all went down within the last couple days, yeah? You're well within your rights to be distraught. Just don't let it consume you in the long run.
I am trying to sort of do both. So friends will come over and we talk about stuff, or I will go out to a bar or go to someone else's house or go for a walk, but then I come back here and think about it and try to think through it. Then I go try to do something else.
It's fucking weird. I'm trying to actually get over something which was terribly hurtful quickly, but honestly. And the honesty part, I think, is trying to deal with the emotions and not just squeeze them into a bitter little ball which I release at an appropriate time. I'm trying to deal with the emotions..but quickly.
Fuck, i don't know.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Yeah. The problem is that we will still interract given that we are both in the same department. But I think the thing I have to realize and accept is that what we had before was not real, and there is no degree to which I am attached to her any more. So, I am not responsible for her or beholden to her. I have to live my life and she has to be left to fuck up other's lives.
I obviously still cared about her right after this happened, as my posts indicated, and I thought that I was still responsible for her actions (indicated by my trying to talk to her other boyfriend and tell him what was going on) but, really, that obligation only existed in my mind; there was nothing actually requiring me to do any of that.
So I am me, she is she, and we're just two persons going about our lives. The only real requirement on my part is to keep in mind that she is an evil, psychotic whore.
The trick is going to be keeping all of this in mind as I move forward and not collapsing into a pit of despair and depression when I next see her.
Fuck fuck fuck
It has been barely 3(!) days now, it is absolutely understandable that you feel devastated and there is nothing whiny or emo about that.
If you need a couple days on your own where you listen to sad music and write bad poetry now is the time, just don't overdo it.
In fact I would find it rather strange if you would just ignore everything what happened and went to party all night long now straight away.
Also your friends should be there for you now and you can bother them with this.
All I'm saying, a grieving process is kinda normal in this situation, I do not believe in trying to escape that by ignoring it.
And saying that other people had it worse also NEVER helps when someone is feeling down.
Sure, the poor kids in Ethiopia starve and there is kids that lost their limbs to landmines, that just won't improve your condition, maybe only make you feel worse because you are miserable when you are so much better off.
But... BUUT! I love the writing style in the first post. I don't know if that's just how you write, or if you assumed a detached robot persona to dictate challenging circumstances through, but its a joy to read.
Thread continue. >>
PSN - sumowot
He should avoid dating women with the same major as him? He'll see her in lecture and lab this semester. Next semester he'll have enough time to craft a schedule to get her out of his hair altogether.
Dating coworkers, meanwhile, is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. It's quite doable, but you better make sure you really like the girl before you go through with it. Trust me. I've seen a number of people make it work, but man, when it goes wrong...
For some perspective on this. My freshman year in college I started dating another girl from my group of friends. She was also in my major. Much the same situation as you, but longer term, also minus the cheating. But the moody, hard to deal with often kind of thing. The surety that it was the real deal. Then just before Fall finals sophomore year she dumped me. I spent the next semester a complete mess (by the way, i really wish i'd been on this forum back then. You guys are rockin.) I had a few classes with her in them. One of them was a software design class in which she was the only other student. And our grade in that class was dependent on our final project. Fortunately it was a Credit/No Credit class and our professor I think picked up what was going on because with me attending maybe 50% of the classes, falling asleep while being talked to, and neither of us having anything to show at the end, it would have been bad otherwise.
You're doing a lot of stuff well here, but the advice given by everyone is correct. Don't dwell on it. Don't look over old messages. Don't try to reason it out. You already know roughly why. She has problems. They're not your fault. Don't try to think back on the good times, or if you must, file them away in the same way you do your memories of licking worms as a kid. Fun then, but not anything you'd like to go back to. DO hang out with friends, in contexts where you won't see her. DO pick up a new hobby or an old abandoned hobby. DO box up all her stuff and toss all your correspondence.
Nope. He sent a text to...I think in the OP it was Player C...last night which said "i know the truth". Not sure what "the truth" is that he knows...but...apparently he thinks he knows what happened. So I do not know if he will contact me now. If he wants to see the shit I have and talk that's cool. If he wants to believe whatever that's cool. I don't really want to spend time worrying about his well-being.
I talked to some more people about it today and, since we're in the same department, tried to be discrete and not use proper nouns, but they each said, "Uh, J, we heard what happened." So, I mean, it's been three days and the truth is seeping out there. And everyone I talked to said, "Yeah, that's fucked up".
I mean, I have yet to talk to anyone who can say "oh, I understand why she would do that." She dated two guys in the department at the same time...and kept it a secret from everyone. So, professionally that was idiotic, socially it was idiotic, philosophically it was idiotic, morally it was idiotic. So fuck if I know what she was thinking.
Thanks. I have been told that I have a narrative voice, what with my makin' words all perty.
Thanks for teh compliment. K enjoyed my writing style as well. Hopefully, though, that is all you have in common with her.
Honestly though, from what I've heard, the girl in your situation probably isn't going to mend her ways, and I sure wouldn't advise giving her another chance. I wouldn't have given me another chance.
I once dated a girl who pulled the very-sudden-no-real-reason breakup card. For six months I agonized over what the hell happened and if I could have fixed it. Eventually, I realized I just wasn't in a position to find out and I had to go about the rest of my life. Almost a year later I saw her at a bar. Walking back to our respective cars she poured our her heart, filling me in on how she had been damaged goods from a previous relationship, freaked out in the face of something real, and bailed.
So sometimes that clarity comes in time. Sometimes it never comes at all. Acceptance that you may never have it is the hardest part, but it's also the most important.
I've been in a situation almost identical to yours - a girl who I'd been dating for a few months, who I really liked (or thought I did), just up and told me that she'd been seeing other people. A few days later, before this really sunk in, she calls me and says that she wants to be exclusive with some other guy she was seeing. That fucking sucked, I tell you what.
I spent way too much time wondering what was so bad about me, and what was so great about this guy, that she'd choose him over me.
I finally gave up trying to figure that out. I didn't "give up" on it in the negative sense (quitting a worthwhile endeavor because it's too hard), I gave up in the same way that one "gives up" smoking. Figuring out her reasons wouldn't undo what she'd done, and I'd probably never figure it out, so I stopped banking closure on that. After that, moving on wasn't nearly as difficult.
And not that this is totally relevant, but I found out through a mutual friend that she pulled the exact same shit on the guy she dumped me for, and then on the guy she dumped him for, and so on - I learned that, after me, she did this exact same routine with 3 guys over a period of a little over a year. I also found out that, before we were dating, she'd been engaged twice, and neither of those relationships ended well.
I have no idea why she does this, but it didn't matter by that point. I'd stopped caring. Knowing that it probably had little to do with any of my shortcomings (of which there are plenty) provided some comfort, but it was just a nice bonus, if that makes any sense.
This afternoon I talked to a few people about this and they all said "Yeah, J, we heard. That is fucked up." And that made me feel somewhat better about things; the truth was getting out there and people were agreeing with me. But then, like an hour ago, I was talking to a friend and he said that he saw K out with some people from the department. And for some reason that made me depressed.
I think I felt better once I thought people were on my side, but then when I was informed that there are still people who hang out with her (my guess is either they do not know what happened, or heard but do not care, or she lied to them) that somehow decreased my happiness.
So I guess that, in my mind, I was feeling better partially based upon an understanding that other people agreed with me, and that reinforced that I had been wronged. But when I heard that she was out with people...it subverted my understanding that I was right...or maybe I'm trying to feel better based upon my thought that, maybe, she feels bad about this or lost some friends.
But, apparently, she's still out being sociable and hasn't given me a second thought.
I recognize that, ideally, I would not concern myself with her and I ought to be happy completely regardless of her and anything she does. So if she continues to have friends and has a billion boyfriends I ought to still be happy, because my life has nothing to do with her now.
But, apparently, I still think of myself as still somehow attached to her, in some sense, insofar as my hearing about her being sociable resulted in my being quite depressed at the moment.
I just thought I was doing quite well today...but then I heard that she was out being social with people and I kind of died inside again.
Fucking weird.
Also, J, what you are feeling is common. It can be hard to witness someone you shared a lot of time with spending time with others. Especially if you have been wronged. Don't read too much into it. I just chalk it up to heart sickness. When you eventually move on, those feelings should pass.