I request either the "Batman gets amnesia when undercover as a hobo and kidnapped to work on a chain-gain" episode or the "Batman swordfights shirtless against a ninja in a river of lava from a volcano eruption" two-parter.
thank you.
If you look at her blog, she's already done the former.
I request either the "Batman gets amnesia when undercover as a hobo and kidnapped to work on a chain-gain" episode or the "Batman swordfights shirtless against a ninja in a river of lava from a volcano eruption" two-parter.
thank you.
If you look at her blog, she's already done the former.
I've already done both, actually.
Jordyn on
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
I request either the "Batman gets amnesia when undercover as a hobo and kidnapped to work on a chain-gain" episode or the "Batman swordfights shirtless against a ninja in a river of lava from a volcano eruption" two-parter.
thank you.
If you look at her blog, she's already done the former.
I've already done both, actually.
I thought the shirtless Ninja thing had happened more than once to Batman, so I wasn't sure which one he was referring to.
Bruce and Riley have gotten tossed in their boxes. Perhaps someone decided to just pull a gun on them. Riley is ranting about how angry he is to be a fucking box, because who wouldn't be upset at that situation? He mentions his son, and his family. At the words "My family!" Bruce has a sudden flashback to his parents. He remembers...HE REMEMBERS! HE IS FUCKING BATMAN AND HE DOES NOT TAKE SHIT LIKE SITTING IN A BOX. HE IN FACT IS GOING TO BUST SOME FUCKING HEADS.
As a testament to that very realization, he breaks out of that metal box with one fucking kick.
If there's one thing I know about, it's probably already been mentioned by this point. But I thought of another thing I am at least passingly familiar with: spelling things with a Y instead of the normal vowel. Good ol' Y. Sometimes a consonant, sometimes a vowel, sometimes used to make a boy's name more girly. Where was I going with this.
Tyger, Tyger. That's not how you spell "tiger." It's a really archaeic spelling of it, and the title of this episode is taken from the poem by William Blake. This episode is also hells of weyrd.
The episode starts at a zoo where a security guard is doing his rounds. A tiger growls up at him, and the guard says not to tell him, he just works here! The tiger will need to wryte his grievances on a formal complaint card and turn them in to upper management. "COMPLAINT #1: THIS WHOLE ZOO THING."
After the guard wanders off, Selina Kyle comes walking out from behind a tree. I guess she goes to zoos at night. She talks to the tiger a bit, when a strange ape man comes at her! What in the...He shoots Selina with a dart, and grabs her as she passes out. The guard comes walking back over. I guess he does his rounds really fast and tells those crazy kids to stop doing it in the zoo!
Except, oh no! It's an ape-man! The Ape throws the guard into the tiger pit, and makes off with Selina.
Somewhere downtown, Bruce is hanging out waiting for Selina to meet him for a hot date. She's all kinds of late, so he whips out his sweeeeet cell phone
and makes a call to Alfred. As he's talking to him, the maitre'd comes out and says, heeeey, Selina called and said she'd be late, because she was gonna swing by the zoo. Bruce wonders who goes to the zoo this late at night, and tells Alfred that he'll be home...late. Whatever, thinks Alfred, I'm going to bed.
Bruce heads to the zoo, where a couple cops pulled the guard out of the tiger pit. How they knew he was in there? I don't know! He tells the cops what happens and Bruce runs up all like, hey guys can check out this crime scene, just gonna poke around, heeeeey a dart on the ground, I'll take that. Thanks!
Meanwhile Selina is tied up at some place with a large skylight. Oh skylight, I do not see good things in your future. OH GOD A GIANT CAT CREATURE IS COMING AT HER! A voice yells at him to stop and a dude with a cane comes walking out. He introduces himself as Emil Dorian and the giant cat is his creation, Tygrus. He keeps referring to Tygrus as "he" even though Tygrus is a hella girly sounding name. Like you got a boy cat and a girl cat and you named them Tyger and Tygrus. Tygrus also only vaguely looks like a cat to me, what with the lack of whiskers and the huge goddamn ears and his outright ferociousness instead of a more subtle, plotting against you ferociousness.
Let's take a sidebar quick to point out some recent news:
"The Arizona state Senate on Thursday passed a bill making it illegal for a person to “intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid.”"
If I make one accidentally though, that's okay right? I guess I didn't realize this was such an impending threat. I'm gonna go through some other Batman episodes and find more things Arizona should make illegal. Huge open vats of chemicals, cyborgs, any sort of "growth hormone", science experiments in general, really...
But I dygress.
Emil is talking about how he made this cat creature thing because he loooooooves cats soooooo much, which is kinda strange. I like cats too, but I don't want them to walk like maaaan. He says his next plan is to turn Selina into a cat! Because she loves cats! Hey ass, how about you go turn yourself into a cat!
Batman, meanwhile is having the dart he found analyzed by Kirk Langstrom, as his previous analysis said it was similar to the man-bat compound. Oh Langstrom recongizes it all right. It was made by that crazy Dorian dude! Lookit this messed up cat-monkey thing he made that I keep in a way too tiny cage!
Batman flies to the Dorian's island and as he wanders around, a fucked up cat-bird thing swoops down at him! Inside, Batman sighs to himself. This is going to be a goddamned ordeal.
He finds a building and climbs to the top where he finds, oh! That skylight! Skylight, your days are numbered! He gazes down into it when that ape man jumps him! Fuck! He fights him a bit, when Dorian yells up for the Ape guy to bring Batman downstairs. I don't think he really heard him though, because they're up really high and there's all this glass and shit. I mean really. Batman punches Ape guy, gets him a headlock and then just jumps through the skylight with him like that. He just can't help himself. He saw a skylight, he NEEDED to jump through it.
They crash down near Dorian, who starts blah blah blah-ing at Batman. He just wants to know where Selina is. Dorian shows him...she's in this enclosure and oh guess what, she's mostly cat now. Batman looks freaked out and sad. He was gonna tap that. But he's not into cats! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Emil keeps blabbing about how great it would be to be a cat, which, if you were a housecat? Yeah, I think that'd be an okay life. My cats just sleep and eat all goddamn day. Some sort of cat-human fuckery? No thanks. Batman isn't really listening to this anyways, as he has grabbed a table and is smashing the glass to the enclosure. Selina runs over there and Batman is like "Heeeey??" and Selina just kinda looks "Whaaa, I was licking myself. Oh Batmaaaaaaan, heeeey..."
Batman demands that he change her back and Tygrus is like, oooooh hey, that is one hot sexy cat lady.
He and Batman start fighting while Dorian quotes poetry until Dorian has an idea. Batman and Tygrus will venture off into the jungle and battle each other there! And whoever wins, gets Catwoman! Sure! Batman thinks how horrible his day has been. Dorian gives Batman a head start, and tells Tygrus to fuck 'ym up good. Tygrus tears off after Batman who throws some smoke bombs to slow him down.
Back at the ranch, Dorian and Apebutt are gonna give Selina the last dose of the cat stuff. She says she won't put up a fight, but instead darts off and escapes. Oooooh if only we hadn't made her as agyle as a cat! This sucks!
In the forest, Batman gets Tygrus tied up to a tree who...starts...talking? This is kinda freaking me out now. Batman leaves him there and heads off to...I dunno. He's crossing this reeeeaaally rickety bridge when Tygrus, having escaped from the tree, starts attacking him. Batman sighs to himself again. Dude. On a rickety bridge here. C'mon.
During the fyghting, the bridge breaks, surprising no one and the two plummet towards the bottom of the canyon. Batman manages to grab a tree branch mostly with his ribs while falling and when Tygrus tries the same he slips through and continues falling.
As Selina is also venturing through the woods, Batman fynds her. "You're hurt" she says. "Uh. It's nothing." replies Batman. JUST EVERY RIB PUNCTURING BOTH LUNGS AT THE SAME TIME. Interrupting the heartfelt reunion is Tygrus, who survived the plummet to the bottom of that pit, by landing on all fours. Catwoman pleads with him not hurt Batman and Tygrus is like "but whyyyyyyy, I wannnaaaaa bone yoooouuu." She's like, I ain't gon' bone no cat that be killing Batman! Duh! Tygrus realyzes that this makes sense, but he's still got the hots for Catwoman, so he storms off into the jungle.
He goes back to Dorian who is super angry, and slaps Tygrus across the face. Why you gotta make me hit you, boy!
Batman storms in, demanding the antigen to turn Selina back to normal. He tries to get Tygrus to side with him, but he's lyke, I caaaaan't. He's my daaaaaad. Batman sighs once more. THIS OLD GEM. YOUR DAD. GREAT. Dorian decides to try to shoot Catwoman and this upsets Tygrus quite a bit. He starts going crazy and smashing shit and a fire starts and what the fuuuuuck. Batman is like, we gotta cheese it, and he and Selina start dragging the unconcious ape guy out of the building. They get outside and the building explodes. Are they...ys Tygrus dead? NO! Here he comes carrying Dorian! A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
Batman is gonna have to load all these schmucks into this batplane though now and dammit, he was gonna get laid but now his lady friend is CAT and he has all these damn errands to run, what the hell...
Selina freaks out. The antigen! Oh goddammit, I am gonna be stuck as a cat for freakin' ever! Tygrus asks her to stay on the island with him, being cats and doing cat stuff. She turns him down, and he hands her the antigen. She asks him to come back to Gotham and he's like, nope. Which really, is probably for the best.
Batman flies off in his plane, whyle quoting that poem again. But the conversation afterwards probably went something like:
"So Selina, you think after I give you that antigen..."
". . ."
"You think that tail is gonna fall off, or get sucked back into your body?"
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AntimatterDevo Was RightGates of SteelRegistered Userregular
Batman flies to the Dorian's island and as he wanders around, a fucked up cat-bird thing swoops down at him! Inside, Batman sighs to himself. This is going to be a goddamned ordeal.
I laughed way too hard at this. I have a feeling I'm going to think of this anytime I see Batman dealing with sci-fi stuff.
Batman flies to the Dorian's island and as he wanders around, a fucked up cat-bird thing swoops down at him! Inside, Batman sighs to himself. This is going to be a goddamned ordeal.
I laughed way too hard at this. I have a feeling I'm going to think of this anytime I see Batman dealing with sci-fi stuff.
Bruce is all: "Dammit, I'm just a guy in a bat-themed costume! Clark is the one who's supposed to deal with the freaky mutants. Honestly."
Black holes are pretty fucked up and weird. I decided that before doing this write up, I would read a little bit about black holes (see there's a black hole in this episode.) The first thing I clicked on was an article about how black holes work, and the first line said "You may have heard someone say,"My desk has become a black hole!"" I didn't get much further than that in my research for a couple of reasons. The first being that I spent a long while trying to remember if I'd ever heard anyone say that ever. I couldn't recall. The second being that I spent a while trying to figure out in what ways a desk could become like a black hole? Light can't escape from it? it's black? It sounds like something you would say if your desk were messy, but I don't think black holes particularly have a reputation for being cluttered. Then again, the same article had this image with it:
Hey, I do believe I rambled for several sentences there. That horrible mess of gobbledy gook is what I might some day refer to as an introduction for the Superman episode Absolute Power.
So Superman is in his sweetass rocket with his spacesuit on checking out a black hole that is 6 light years from earth for STAR labs. Hamilton is like, gosh thanks Superman, and Supes is all no problemo dude, I'm sure a disaster won't happen while I'm away; it'll probably happen here, what with how they tend to follow me everywhere and all. Supes launches a probe into the black hole and we see it get sucked in and stretch allll the way out like aaaah, what the helllllll. Supes nods as he makes note of what's occurred. "okay going through a black hole means you get all stretched out got it, got it." He's about ready to pack it in and call it a day when almost on a cue, a huge space ship comes blasting past him and heading towards the black hole. Using his X-ray vision, he notes that everyone inside is not purposely trying to fly into a black hole and decides to get out of his spaceship and help.
My favorite is the guy just trying to mount that big thing in the middle!
He grabs one of the wings of the ships which rips off and decides instead to fly in front of the ship, activate the rocket boots in his space suit and push the ship back that way. Then he uses, I guess some other kind of super vision that he has to see the ship's vapor trail and take it back to where it came from.
As he lands the ship on the planet, he's for some reason no longer in his spacesuit and who knows where the hell is space rocket is. He gently sets the ship down and rips the door off because I'll just assume he could tell that uh, it was stuck closed and there was no way the people inside could open it for him. He goes inside expecting hugs and kisses and maybe a sexual favor or two because lord knows Lois ain't putting out, but instead the people inside recoil in fear! "He's one of them!" one of them shouts. Maybe the door ripping was a bit much, Supes. Maybe. They go running past him as he stands there confused and unfulfilled.
Superman stands there for a bit, going over recent events in his head. Before he can hear anything with his superhearing, some crazy space rays BLAST him from behind. He turns to see two ships zipping off and thinks "OH NO THEY DIDN'." He zips off and attacks the ships, disabling them, while of course leaving the soldier inside perfectly safe, if not a bit startled. More soldiers show up when all of a sudden OH BALLS IT'S MALA ARE YOU FUCKING ME.
She recognizes Superman and starts being all "oh hellooooo Kal-El" and then welcomes him...
TO NEW KRYPTON
Superman glares at her because this planet, would you believe, is not actually New Krypton. He thinks quietly to himself "How about welcome to new fuck you bitch."
He follows Mala inside where Jax-Ur is also on the planet.
Jax-Ur is drinking some Kool-Aid from a beaker which he then SLAMS down onto the tray one of the servants is holding, knocking the tray and pitcher of more Kool-Aid to the floor. Seriously dude, manners.
The two of them start going on and on and on oh Krypton this and Krypton that and Krypton Krypton Krypton and do you remember Krytpon oh it was so great this planet is gonna be juuuust like Krypton except for how it's a completely different planet but we loooooove Kryton soooooo much. Supes is finding this a little tiring. Are these people going to stop talking ever? Life is so much more pleasant when I just AM the last Kryptonian and there aren't these other dudes rubbing their Kryptonianness in my face...
Supes asked how they escaped the Phantom Zone and they explain that while some of the scientists from this planet were out studying that black hole and then some meteors collided and opened a rift in the phantom zone? WHAT? So the two of them pop their Kryptonian asses into the vacuum of space and start suffocating until the scientists help them. The scientists take them back to the planet where oh ha ha they decide to take over.
Jax-Ur decides to take Supes on a little tour of the planet to show them how good they are at being crazy dictators! Look! We've cut down forests so that we could build factories, and we assigned people jobs based on what we think of them. Our schools are filled with clones and people can choose from up to four acceptable dances when at one of our only occasionally had government-sanctioned parties! What's not to love!
Supes notes out loud that no one seems happy and Jax-Ur assures him that a fifth dance is in the works, they're just working out the details and it should be up and running in the next month or so! Promise!
As the tour nears and end, a rocket comes careening out of the sky towards them, but Mala quickly destroys it with her laser eyes. Jax-Ur explains that anarchists still like to shoot at them once in a while, ha ha isn't that funny!
Finding this to be up to his crazy dictator standards, Superman nods and Jax shows him to his ship, which I guess they had some dudes go get. Still no idea where his suit is but it's best not to ask too many questions round these parts.
Jax-Ur leaves him be, as one of the chicks from the ship earlier is sneaking around. She takes out the guard near Superman's ship and runs over to him asking him to help, ya know, beat up those assholes and stuff. She explains that the people on the ship weren't criminals like they said, but leaders. LEADERS IN CRIME? No, just leaders. Superman says he can't beat them up, because it would cause too much destruction. Nevermind the fact that later, everytime Darkseid drops by, he punches him through like 30-40 buildings at a goddamn time. Oh no, wouldn't want to cause too much destruction.
Elsewhere, one of the soldiers is reporting to Mala and Jax that that escaped chick has found Superman and is plotting something. Mala is like oooooh I'm so pleeeeased that you told me this and starts rubbing the dude's metal chest plate and trying to make out with him. Jax rolls his eyes and insists that Mala hurry her ass up. She runs off in one direction, and the soldier dude, Alterus, runs off in another to rinse his mouth out with hydrogen peroxide and ammonia.
The friendly alien chick, Cetea, is showing Superman the secret part of the tour! And that secret part isssssss...
SHIPS! Filled with robots! And those robots are going to Earth! Surprised? Who's surprised? I wasn't surprised.
Neither was Superman. He asked why he's not surprised and I know he means that rhetorically, but the answer really is that everyone is obsessed with fuckin' with him. Superman decides that if EARTH is threatened too, well then, now he'll just have to do something, but before he can do much of anything, a bunch of alarms start going off and Mala shows up to start fighting with him.
Supes dukes it out with her for a bit, I mean he can take a girl right? But then, Jax shows up too and he uses some crazy ring thing to trap Superman. I guess it's magnetic fields or something, the point is he is trapped.
A bit later, Jax-Ur is on a huge spaceship gazing out at the black hole. Superman and Cetea are bolted to the front of a rocket and Jax Ur is explaining his plan to launch them into the hole, which makes sense for Superman, but seems like a bit of overkill for that chick. He's all taaaalking and taaaaalking and telling Superman how he might get to see the inside of the black hole before he dies and won't that be like sooooooo cool?! In fact! He says that HE almost envies Superman! Imagine that! That's just crazy.
Suddenly the ship shakes a bunch and Alterus runs in. He tells the two crazy fucks that everything is breaking and maybe you should go look at it because I can't fix it. Jax and Mala leave him to watch Superman and Cetea. Cetea tells him that he is an asshole for helping them and Alterus pulls out a gun and blasts them free from the rocket! WHO IS AN ASSHOLE NOW CETEA!? I WAS PLAYING THE LONG CON THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I BURNED OFF MY TASTEBUDS TO HELP YOU.
Cetea and Alterus make with the escaping as Mala and Jax realize that nothing is actually broken at all, someone just turned the ship to "Salsa" instead of its normal "smooth jazz" setting. Jax figures out they've been betrayed and heads back to that rocket to launch Superman into space fast but he's already free and he's already punching them.
In the midst of all the fighting, the ship gets wrecked up pretty bad and starts to break in half.
Mala and Jax grab breathing masks but Superman is dreadfully lacking in the oxygen area as they end up in the emptiness of space. Mala wants to keep beating on Supes, but Jax is a bit more pragmatic and tells her they should make for that escape pod, ship...thing and leave him to suffocate. Superman wants the space ship pod all to himself though and tries to fight them away from it. As the larger ship gets sucked into the black hole, the three Kryptonians duke it out. Supes gives them one wicked punch each and as he climbs into the escape ship, Jax and Mala are SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE.
I guess we don't know...like...for sure that they're dead..heh, heh...eeeeeeh.
Back on the planet, the happy people are waving goodbye to Superman who has somehow gotten his space suit back and is ready to head back to earth, probably not bothering to smash up all the those robots that are still on this planet programmed for destruction, just trusting that no one HERE will be crazy and hate him. And if someone does, eh, he'll worry about it later.
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RingoHe/Hima distinct lack of substanceRegistered Userregular
edited May 2010
Superman has a mental blindspot when it comes to loose ends ever since he lost his Super Weaving
Posts
I've already done both, actually.
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Now we can stop embarrassing ourselves in front of her!
Anyway, I vote for doing a Baby Doll episode.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Yes.
If there's one thing I know about, it's probably already been mentioned by this point. But I thought of another thing I am at least passingly familiar with: spelling things with a Y instead of the normal vowel. Good ol' Y. Sometimes a consonant, sometimes a vowel, sometimes used to make a boy's name more girly. Where was I going with this.
Tyger, Tyger. That's not how you spell "tiger." It's a really archaeic spelling of it, and the title of this episode is taken from the poem by William Blake. This episode is also hells of weyrd.
The episode starts at a zoo where a security guard is doing his rounds. A tiger growls up at him, and the guard says not to tell him, he just works here! The tiger will need to wryte his grievances on a formal complaint card and turn them in to upper management. "COMPLAINT #1: THIS WHOLE ZOO THING."
After the guard wanders off, Selina Kyle comes walking out from behind a tree. I guess she goes to zoos at night. She talks to the tiger a bit, when a strange ape man comes at her! What in the...He shoots Selina with a dart, and grabs her as she passes out. The guard comes walking back over. I guess he does his rounds really fast and tells those crazy kids to stop doing it in the zoo!
Except, oh no! It's an ape-man! The Ape throws the guard into the tiger pit, and makes off with Selina.
Somewhere downtown, Bruce is hanging out waiting for Selina to meet him for a hot date. She's all kinds of late, so he whips out his sweeeeet cell phone
and makes a call to Alfred. As he's talking to him, the maitre'd comes out and says, heeeey, Selina called and said she'd be late, because she was gonna swing by the zoo. Bruce wonders who goes to the zoo this late at night, and tells Alfred that he'll be home...late. Whatever, thinks Alfred, I'm going to bed.
Bruce heads to the zoo, where a couple cops pulled the guard out of the tiger pit. How they knew he was in there? I don't know! He tells the cops what happens and Bruce runs up all like, hey guys can check out this crime scene, just gonna poke around, heeeeey a dart on the ground, I'll take that. Thanks!
Meanwhile Selina is tied up at some place with a large skylight. Oh skylight, I do not see good things in your future. OH GOD A GIANT CAT CREATURE IS COMING AT HER! A voice yells at him to stop and a dude with a cane comes walking out. He introduces himself as Emil Dorian and the giant cat is his creation, Tygrus. He keeps referring to Tygrus as "he" even though Tygrus is a hella girly sounding name. Like you got a boy cat and a girl cat and you named them Tyger and Tygrus. Tygrus also only vaguely looks like a cat to me, what with the lack of whiskers and the huge goddamn ears and his outright ferociousness instead of a more subtle, plotting against you ferociousness.
Let's take a sidebar quick to point out some recent news:
"The Arizona state Senate on Thursday passed a bill making it illegal for a person to “intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid.”"
If I make one accidentally though, that's okay right? I guess I didn't realize this was such an impending threat. I'm gonna go through some other Batman episodes and find more things Arizona should make illegal. Huge open vats of chemicals, cyborgs, any sort of "growth hormone", science experiments in general, really...
But I dygress.
Emil is talking about how he made this cat creature thing because he loooooooves cats soooooo much, which is kinda strange. I like cats too, but I don't want them to walk like maaaan. He says his next plan is to turn Selina into a cat! Because she loves cats! Hey ass, how about you go turn yourself into a cat!
Batman, meanwhile is having the dart he found analyzed by Kirk Langstrom, as his previous analysis said it was similar to the man-bat compound. Oh Langstrom recongizes it all right. It was made by that crazy Dorian dude! Lookit this messed up cat-monkey thing he made that I keep in a way too tiny cage!
Batman flies to the Dorian's island and as he wanders around, a fucked up cat-bird thing swoops down at him! Inside, Batman sighs to himself. This is going to be a goddamned ordeal.
He finds a building and climbs to the top where he finds, oh! That skylight! Skylight, your days are numbered! He gazes down into it when that ape man jumps him! Fuck! He fights him a bit, when Dorian yells up for the Ape guy to bring Batman downstairs. I don't think he really heard him though, because they're up really high and there's all this glass and shit. I mean really. Batman punches Ape guy, gets him a headlock and then just jumps through the skylight with him like that. He just can't help himself. He saw a skylight, he NEEDED to jump through it.
They crash down near Dorian, who starts blah blah blah-ing at Batman. He just wants to know where Selina is. Dorian shows him...she's in this enclosure and oh guess what, she's mostly cat now. Batman looks freaked out and sad. He was gonna tap that. But he's not into cats! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Emil keeps blabbing about how great it would be to be a cat, which, if you were a housecat? Yeah, I think that'd be an okay life. My cats just sleep and eat all goddamn day. Some sort of cat-human fuckery? No thanks. Batman isn't really listening to this anyways, as he has grabbed a table and is smashing the glass to the enclosure. Selina runs over there and Batman is like "Heeeey??" and Selina just kinda looks "Whaaa, I was licking myself. Oh Batmaaaaaaan, heeeey..."
Batman demands that he change her back and Tygrus is like, oooooh hey, that is one hot sexy cat lady.
He and Batman start fighting while Dorian quotes poetry until Dorian has an idea. Batman and Tygrus will venture off into the jungle and battle each other there! And whoever wins, gets Catwoman! Sure! Batman thinks how horrible his day has been. Dorian gives Batman a head start, and tells Tygrus to fuck 'ym up good. Tygrus tears off after Batman who throws some smoke bombs to slow him down.
Back at the ranch, Dorian and Apebutt are gonna give Selina the last dose of the cat stuff. She says she won't put up a fight, but instead darts off and escapes. Oooooh if only we hadn't made her as agyle as a cat! This sucks!
In the forest, Batman gets Tygrus tied up to a tree who...starts...talking? This is kinda freaking me out now. Batman leaves him there and heads off to...I dunno. He's crossing this reeeeaaally rickety bridge when Tygrus, having escaped from the tree, starts attacking him. Batman sighs to himself again. Dude. On a rickety bridge here. C'mon.
During the fyghting, the bridge breaks, surprising no one and the two plummet towards the bottom of the canyon. Batman manages to grab a tree branch mostly with his ribs while falling and when Tygrus tries the same he slips through and continues falling.
As Selina is also venturing through the woods, Batman fynds her. "You're hurt" she says. "Uh. It's nothing." replies Batman. JUST EVERY RIB PUNCTURING BOTH LUNGS AT THE SAME TIME. Interrupting the heartfelt reunion is Tygrus, who survived the plummet to the bottom of that pit, by landing on all fours. Catwoman pleads with him not hurt Batman and Tygrus is like "but whyyyyyyy, I wannnaaaaa bone yoooouuu." She's like, I ain't gon' bone no cat that be killing Batman! Duh! Tygrus realyzes that this makes sense, but he's still got the hots for Catwoman, so he storms off into the jungle.
He goes back to Dorian who is super angry, and slaps Tygrus across the face. Why you gotta make me hit you, boy!
Batman storms in, demanding the antigen to turn Selina back to normal. He tries to get Tygrus to side with him, but he's lyke, I caaaaan't. He's my daaaaaad. Batman sighs once more. THIS OLD GEM. YOUR DAD. GREAT. Dorian decides to try to shoot Catwoman and this upsets Tygrus quite a bit. He starts going crazy and smashing shit and a fire starts and what the fuuuuuck. Batman is like, we gotta cheese it, and he and Selina start dragging the unconcious ape guy out of the building. They get outside and the building explodes. Are they...ys Tygrus dead? NO! Here he comes carrying Dorian! A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
Batman is gonna have to load all these schmucks into this batplane though now and dammit, he was gonna get laid but now his lady friend is CAT and he has all these damn errands to run, what the hell...
Selina freaks out. The antigen! Oh goddammit, I am gonna be stuck as a cat for freakin' ever! Tygrus asks her to stay on the island with him, being cats and doing cat stuff. She turns him down, and he hands her the antigen. She asks him to come back to Gotham and he's like, nope. Which really, is probably for the best.
Batman flies off in his plane, whyle quoting that poem again. But the conversation afterwards probably went something like:
"So Selina, you think after I give you that antigen..."
". . ."
"You think that tail is gonna fall off, or get sucked back into your body?"
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
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this is good!!
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
at least a little
Batman versus the surprise colonoscopy
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
oh my god
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And I don't only mean that they lobbied vigorously.
Bruce is all: "Dammit, I'm just a guy in a bat-themed costume! Clark is the one who's supposed to deal with the freaky mutants. Honestly."
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Cat and the Canary
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Hey, I do believe I rambled for several sentences there. That horrible mess of gobbledy gook is what I might some day refer to as an introduction for the Superman episode Absolute Power.
So Superman is in his sweetass rocket with his spacesuit on checking out a black hole that is 6 light years from earth for STAR labs. Hamilton is like, gosh thanks Superman, and Supes is all no problemo dude, I'm sure a disaster won't happen while I'm away; it'll probably happen here, what with how they tend to follow me everywhere and all. Supes launches a probe into the black hole and we see it get sucked in and stretch allll the way out like aaaah, what the helllllll. Supes nods as he makes note of what's occurred. "okay going through a black hole means you get all stretched out got it, got it." He's about ready to pack it in and call it a day when almost on a cue, a huge space ship comes blasting past him and heading towards the black hole. Using his X-ray vision, he notes that everyone inside is not purposely trying to fly into a black hole and decides to get out of his spaceship and help.
My favorite is the guy just trying to mount that big thing in the middle!
He grabs one of the wings of the ships which rips off and decides instead to fly in front of the ship, activate the rocket boots in his space suit and push the ship back that way. Then he uses, I guess some other kind of super vision that he has to see the ship's vapor trail and take it back to where it came from.
As he lands the ship on the planet, he's for some reason no longer in his spacesuit and who knows where the hell is space rocket is. He gently sets the ship down and rips the door off because I'll just assume he could tell that uh, it was stuck closed and there was no way the people inside could open it for him. He goes inside expecting hugs and kisses and maybe a sexual favor or two because lord knows Lois ain't putting out, but instead the people inside recoil in fear! "He's one of them!" one of them shouts. Maybe the door ripping was a bit much, Supes. Maybe. They go running past him as he stands there confused and unfulfilled.
Superman stands there for a bit, going over recent events in his head. Before he can hear anything with his superhearing, some crazy space rays BLAST him from behind. He turns to see two ships zipping off and thinks "OH NO THEY DIDN'." He zips off and attacks the ships, disabling them, while of course leaving the soldier inside perfectly safe, if not a bit startled. More soldiers show up when all of a sudden OH BALLS IT'S MALA ARE YOU FUCKING ME.
She recognizes Superman and starts being all "oh hellooooo Kal-El" and then welcomes him...
TO NEW KRYPTON
Superman glares at her because this planet, would you believe, is not actually New Krypton. He thinks quietly to himself "How about welcome to new fuck you bitch."
He follows Mala inside where Jax-Ur is also on the planet.
Jax-Ur is drinking some Kool-Aid from a beaker which he then SLAMS down onto the tray one of the servants is holding, knocking the tray and pitcher of more Kool-Aid to the floor. Seriously dude, manners.
The two of them start going on and on and on oh Krypton this and Krypton that and Krypton Krypton Krypton and do you remember Krytpon oh it was so great this planet is gonna be juuuust like Krypton except for how it's a completely different planet but we loooooove Kryton soooooo much. Supes is finding this a little tiring. Are these people going to stop talking ever? Life is so much more pleasant when I just AM the last Kryptonian and there aren't these other dudes rubbing their Kryptonianness in my face...
Supes asked how they escaped the Phantom Zone and they explain that while some of the scientists from this planet were out studying that black hole and then some meteors collided and opened a rift in the phantom zone? WHAT? So the two of them pop their Kryptonian asses into the vacuum of space and start suffocating until the scientists help them. The scientists take them back to the planet where oh ha ha they decide to take over.
Jax-Ur decides to take Supes on a little tour of the planet to show them how good they are at being crazy dictators! Look! We've cut down forests so that we could build factories, and we assigned people jobs based on what we think of them. Our schools are filled with clones and people can choose from up to four acceptable dances when at one of our only occasionally had government-sanctioned parties! What's not to love!
Supes notes out loud that no one seems happy and Jax-Ur assures him that a fifth dance is in the works, they're just working out the details and it should be up and running in the next month or so! Promise!
As the tour nears and end, a rocket comes careening out of the sky towards them, but Mala quickly destroys it with her laser eyes. Jax-Ur explains that anarchists still like to shoot at them once in a while, ha ha isn't that funny!
Finding this to be up to his crazy dictator standards, Superman nods and Jax shows him to his ship, which I guess they had some dudes go get. Still no idea where his suit is but it's best not to ask too many questions round these parts.
Jax-Ur leaves him be, as one of the chicks from the ship earlier is sneaking around. She takes out the guard near Superman's ship and runs over to him asking him to help, ya know, beat up those assholes and stuff. She explains that the people on the ship weren't criminals like they said, but leaders. LEADERS IN CRIME? No, just leaders. Superman says he can't beat them up, because it would cause too much destruction. Nevermind the fact that later, everytime Darkseid drops by, he punches him through like 30-40 buildings at a goddamn time. Oh no, wouldn't want to cause too much destruction.
Elsewhere, one of the soldiers is reporting to Mala and Jax that that escaped chick has found Superman and is plotting something. Mala is like oooooh I'm so pleeeeased that you told me this and starts rubbing the dude's metal chest plate and trying to make out with him. Jax rolls his eyes and insists that Mala hurry her ass up. She runs off in one direction, and the soldier dude, Alterus, runs off in another to rinse his mouth out with hydrogen peroxide and ammonia.
The friendly alien chick, Cetea, is showing Superman the secret part of the tour! And that secret part isssssss...
SHIPS! Filled with robots! And those robots are going to Earth! Surprised? Who's surprised? I wasn't surprised.
Neither was Superman. He asked why he's not surprised and I know he means that rhetorically, but the answer really is that everyone is obsessed with fuckin' with him. Superman decides that if EARTH is threatened too, well then, now he'll just have to do something, but before he can do much of anything, a bunch of alarms start going off and Mala shows up to start fighting with him.
Supes dukes it out with her for a bit, I mean he can take a girl right? But then, Jax shows up too and he uses some crazy ring thing to trap Superman. I guess it's magnetic fields or something, the point is he is trapped.
A bit later, Jax-Ur is on a huge spaceship gazing out at the black hole. Superman and Cetea are bolted to the front of a rocket and Jax Ur is explaining his plan to launch them into the hole, which makes sense for Superman, but seems like a bit of overkill for that chick. He's all taaaalking and taaaaalking and telling Superman how he might get to see the inside of the black hole before he dies and won't that be like sooooooo cool?! In fact! He says that HE almost envies Superman! Imagine that! That's just crazy.
Suddenly the ship shakes a bunch and Alterus runs in. He tells the two crazy fucks that everything is breaking and maybe you should go look at it because I can't fix it. Jax and Mala leave him to watch Superman and Cetea. Cetea tells him that he is an asshole for helping them and Alterus pulls out a gun and blasts them free from the rocket! WHO IS AN ASSHOLE NOW CETEA!? I WAS PLAYING THE LONG CON THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I BURNED OFF MY TASTEBUDS TO HELP YOU.
Cetea and Alterus make with the escaping as Mala and Jax realize that nothing is actually broken at all, someone just turned the ship to "Salsa" instead of its normal "smooth jazz" setting. Jax figures out they've been betrayed and heads back to that rocket to launch Superman into space fast but he's already free and he's already punching them.
In the midst of all the fighting, the ship gets wrecked up pretty bad and starts to break in half.
Mala and Jax grab breathing masks but Superman is dreadfully lacking in the oxygen area as they end up in the emptiness of space. Mala wants to keep beating on Supes, but Jax is a bit more pragmatic and tells her they should make for that escape pod, ship...thing and leave him to suffocate. Superman wants the space ship pod all to himself though and tries to fight them away from it. As the larger ship gets sucked into the black hole, the three Kryptonians duke it out. Supes gives them one wicked punch each and as he climbs into the escape ship, Jax and Mala are SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE.
I guess we don't know...like...for sure that they're dead..heh, heh...eeeeeeh.
Back on the planet, the happy people are waving goodbye to Superman who has somehow gotten his space suit back and is ready to head back to earth, probably not bothering to smash up all the those robots that are still on this planet programmed for destruction, just trusting that no one HERE will be crazy and hate him. And if someone does, eh, he'll worry about it later.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Was nice to have the old DCAU voice cast back but it was nowhere near as good as Under the Red Hood.