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Wife left after 4 years of happy marriage, should I take a gaming holiday?

MrT137MrT137 Registered User regular
edited May 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So, I'll try to make a long story short, and I'll have to leave out some of the details.

I'm 28, married my college sweetheart almost 5 years ago, we got along great with just about everything. We liked the same foods, played games together, laughed at the same jokes, did scuba diving, designed and built a very nice house together, got along with each others friends, etc. The only significant disagreement we had was her was slowly drifting apart from me, wanting more space, and acting as if I was smothering her when I clearly wasn't. At first she denied there was an issue, but it became worse to the point where she would turn me down for even a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant. I saw the direction things were heading, but by time I convinced her to see a marriage counselor, it was already too late. She had already decided she wanted to be single, even though, by her own admission, I had done nothing wrong and was a great husband. There wasn't anyone else involved, she just felt as if she never got a chance to 'live on her own' or 'manage her own money'. Now, I never held her back with anything, even when she wanted to go on trips without me, or working excessively long hours.

Anyhow, I went to PAX East this year (my first PAX!) with a couple of my friends, and it was probably the best weekend I've had in a while ( I <3 Wil Wheaton). It helped to dull the pain, because shortly after PAX, my wife and I decided to get a divorce. It wasn't a total surprise and we both agreed it was for the best since she clearly didn't want to be married anymore. Within only a few weeks, we separated out things, signed some papers, she moved out, and now I'm stuck in a nice big house (with a nice big mortgage), and it's unbelievably lonely. The split has been really harsh since doesn't want me to know where she moved to, and will only talk through email about the few loose ends we need to wrap up.

I'm sure I'll get by because I like to cook, clean, I'm good with money, have a good engineering job, and I'll probably get some roommates to help out the financial (Northern Delaware if anyone is interested). But at the same time I'm at a total loss what to do. And here's where I could use some help from a gamer's perspective: I've always told myself that if I happen to end up single, I would FINALLY get around to playing a lot of games that I could never seem to find the time for, or play a get into a time-consuming MMORPG for a little while maybe. But ... now I have so much cleaning to do, planning and making meals (I love to cook), organizing an entire house full of stuff (She only took about 10%), I don't know when or how I'm gonna find the time.

I think I might need to take a gaming holiday, maybe a take off a week where I pick a game I know I like and go through it (like FF, RDR, maybe Heavy Rain). I've thought about it before, but it was always an incompatible idea with having a serious relationship (In hindsight, not so much). I would stock up on food, not plan to do any serious work on the house, and have this sort of schedule for each day:

~12 hours of gaming
2 hours of working out (Because it'll keep my mind more focused on games, and I want to stay in shape)
2 hours for eating and taking breaks
8 hours of sleep (I'll need it)

I could probably fit some more gaming in. Either way, I don't know if it's a really fun idea, or if I'll end up just feeling more lonely? I'm generally very social, but every once in while I like to have my own time. Maybe someone out there has had a similar situation.

Also, because this post might sounds a little drab, I'll add that I have a lot of supportive friends and family members who are willing to keep me busy and play games whenever I need it. I'm not the type of person who is prone to spending a lot of time being sad and depressed either.

Divorce sucks.

MrT137 on
«13

Posts

  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    12 hours is overkill

    Sam on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Honestly man... this is the most upbeat, optimistic breakup thread ever. As long as you didn't type that post in the dark, slowly cutting yourself, I say do whatever the hell you want, because you sound completely well adjusted with regards to this whole thing.

    Sentry on
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  • ArikadoArikado Southern CaliforniaRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Honestly, it sounds like you got everything taken care of. Just stay away from the bottle and don't be afraid to talk to your friends about stuff you need to get off your chest.

    Arikado on
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  • AsiinaAsiina ... WaterlooRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    If you want to take a week and just game non-stop because it's something you never got to do while you were married, then go for it. Have a blast!

    If you want to do this as some sort of healing ritual or way to avoid pain then I suggest you seek out friends and family to help you deal with your feelings.

    Just think about why you want to do this before you do.

    Asiina on
  • TejsTejs Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I don't know about you, but after a few hours of constant gaming, you're likely to develop a mild headache. 12 hours does seem like a bit of overkill.

    Like Sentry said, you seem well adjusted about this. I'd suggest doing something new and exciting, like renting a race car on a track, going skydiving, or picking up a sweet hobby like RC aircraft. Add a large helping of gaming in there and call it a week.

    Tejs on
  • FagatronFagatron Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I regularly spend five hours a day gaming and I'm in a serious relationship.

    Do what you want, as long as you're happy (or getting there).

    Fagatron on
  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah, you're doing as good as you can expect to be doing in this situation right now. As long as you're paying attention to your work, your friends and your fitness, then I say go crazy with the games. I'd probably recommend staying away from MMOs though.

    Bionic Monkey on
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  • IogaIoga Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I would say maybe 8-10 hours a day of gaming, and 2-4 hours of getting things organized/meditating? And by meditating I mean not thinking about ANYTHING. Just breathing.

    Ioga on
  • SuMa.LustreSuMa.Lustre Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    you are the man

    that is all i'm saying

    P.S.: if you're actually going to go through with it, here's some advice from someone who used to have the same schedule for summer: remember to take a couple minutes of break every 3 hours or so, your eyes will thank you

    and get eye drops

    SuMa.Lustre on
  • Jimmy KingJimmy King Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Eh, go for it. I wouldn't even schedule it out as much as you have. If I were planning, the schedule would look more like this:

    2 hours: work out
    22 hours: do whatever the fuck I feel like

    Seriously, just sit down, play games as long as you feel like. Get up and eat when you feel like it, go to bed when you feel like it. I've done many 12+ hour days of gaming in my time, a week of lots of gaming isn't going to kill you. At worst you'll feel like a bit of a fat slob from sitting around all day while eating pizza and nachos (that's what I'd be eating anyway).

    Jimmy King on
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I'd recommend getting one game at a time, and forcing yourself to go out to get each game. At least this way you're ensuring that you get out of the house once in a while. I'd even recommend against "stocking up" on shitty food/supplies. Given all of the new free time you will have, there will be a strong pull to just vegetate and "maximize" playing time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to just do stuff. If part of "doing stuff" is playing games, then go play games. Just don't turn it into something you do 24/7. I'd even recommend setting a schedule and making sure that you actually spend a few hours a day doing stuff other than playing games, like going to the gym, spending time with friends, and even just catching up on all the paperwork and random life shit that you've been meaning to do but have kept putting off. Trust me, all of these things will give you a much greater sense of accomplishment than any video game, and will help you move forward with life.

    To that end, I highly recommend staying away from WoW or any other MMORPG. At the current stage in your life, there is a very real possibility that you'll get sucked into the game. There's no real way to "win" WoW, and there's no real finish line, so there's no impetus for you to get up and actually walk away from the game. While it's a great diversion, it is just that - a diversion. It's not real life, and it's not a healthy way to fill the void of a recently-divorced spouse.

    But yeah, totally all for it man. Buy a game, play the shit out of it. Buy another game, play the shit out of that one. Just make sure that at some point, you stop doing it. Maybe set a limit to the number of games or the amount of time you do this routine... Eventually, you want to reach the point where you still have an active non-gaming lifestyle but still make time for playing games.

    Inquisitor77 on
  • CognisseurCognisseur Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Sentry wrote: »
    Honestly man... this is the most upbeat, optimistic breakup thread ever... you sound completely well adjusted with regards to this whole thing.
    you are the man
    that is all i'm saying

    Cognisseur on
  • MrT137MrT137 Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah, in general, I'm an optimistic, 'The life bar is half full' kinda person. I definitely have a boatload of insecurities and issues to work out, but I figure as long as I keep saying I'll figure it all out, then it'll happen.

    Yeah, I don't know how much gaming I could do until I tried. I know I'd have to stop every 2-3 hours and take a break, and that's where I figure I could work out or eat a good meal Maybe I should just go with that, sleep whenever I want to, even if it's in the middle of the day, lol. I sit behind a computer for 7-8 hours on some days at work, and I've had movie marathons that lasted upwards of 12 hours in a day.

    MrT137 on
  • MrT137MrT137 Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    As far as the meditation goes, I could really go for some yoga right now. Maybe an hour of meditating here and there would be a good thing.

    Good point with WoW, I don't want to get sucked into that.

    I actually am getting a lot of stuff done around the house (cleaning, painting, paperwork, etc), it's just hard to put in a few hours for games because it's a long list of projects right now that is hanging over me. That's kinda why I thought I could just set aside a few days and fly though a game or two. I haven't even taken any time off work because I'm working a lot of cool projects there too.

    I've got some buddies coming to play boardgames this Sunday and cookout. Which will be fun and great for keeping my mind off things, but I still have that urge for some serious single player gaming.

    MrT137 on
  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited May 2010
    If you have a DS or PSP, get out of the house and game for one of those days. It'll help curb any claustrophobia you may get by just sitting around playing games. You may want to do a co-op night with one of your friends too, just to break it up.

    Iruka on
  • WootloopsWootloops Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Friend, I think you're going to be all right.

    A marathon of gaming can be a great time, I say go for it but don't give yourself a time limit or goal in which you need to be playing a game - play whenever you feel like gaming. Do whatever the hell you want to do, when you want to do it.

    That's liberating as hell.

    RDR can definitely suck up some hours, but in my opinion can get a little boring in long sessions. I suggest having at least two games to play during that time.

    If you want a great single player experience check out Valkyria Chronicles. If you like RTS and things like FF Tactics, it's like a fun marriage of the two.

    Wootloops on
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  • Cedar BrownCedar Brown Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Sounds awesome. Don't wear pants for the entire week. Not even if you have to answer the door for the pizza man.

    Cedar Brown on
  • A BearA Bear Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    The great thing about games are that they are totally up to you to play. If you find yourself wanting to do 12 hour marathon sessions, go for it--being able to finally get through my gaming queue is something I certainly would like to do. If you find that you want to play for less hours a day than initially planned, it sounds like you have other things available to do, and thats cool too. My only real advice is not to get into MMORPGs (as mentioned above) just because those have more ability to pull a person into thinking "I have to play" when gaming should really be about fun, not obligation. If you start to feel lonesome, get into some co-op or multiplayer. I have a feeling you wont be short of online buddies here to hit up for some gaming sessions.

    A Bear on
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  • MrT137MrT137 Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Sounds awesome. Don't wear pants for the entire week. Not even if you have to answer the door for the pizza man.

    DONE!

    Splitting games up is a good suggestion. I haven't played Valkyria Chronicles, but I did like FF Tactics, and I love the Disgaea series (also an excellent way to absorb lots of time).

    MrT137 on
  • widowsonwidowson Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I think 12 hours is a bit much. If you're feeling down, I'd *strongly* reccommend being around friends/family even if you have to almost force yourself to do it or just do something active, even if it's just a week hiking.

    And, FWIW, I'd talk to a professional or clergyman about your marriage. This will sound harsh, but your ex really stikes me as a vapid, selfish, sex-in-the-city-wannabe flake if she left a good, loving relationship to flex her "grrl power" feminist muscles.

    What happened hurt, but comming to terms with who she really was may hurt even more. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.

    widowson on
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  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Your OP is excellent. I hope you take heart from the fact that you are handling things well.

    Not everyone is the same guys, I had a serious breakup (was engaged) and did this exact thing. Excellent week all around. We don't all need to talk to people about bad stuff to move on, some of us process a lot of it internally. We are all different.

    Also, not the place to turn it negative, widowson. Lets not talk about his relationship which we know little to nothing about.

    If you need game recommendations, I'm excellent for that!

    OnTheLastCastle on
  • GreasyKidsStuffGreasyKidsStuff MOMMM! ROAST BEEF WANTS TO KISS GIRLS ON THE TITTIES!Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah dude, you sound ridiculously optimistic for such a big thing happening to you like this. Just take 'er easy, do whatever the hell you want for a week.

    GreasyKidsStuff on
  • MrT137MrT137 Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I've got lots of plans with friends, surprisingly my weekends this summer are getting super full already. It's probably because I don't have to try and convince my ex to do things together anymore.

    Well, we're well past the part where we talk about our issues and our marriage. I'll resist the urge to go on a diatribe about the whole feminist, sex-in-the-city movement influencing women to leave good relationships. I've known a couple other guys close to my age who have gone through a similar wife-up-and-leaves-happy-marriage-to-experience-single-life, and they all were devastated. I actually only know of one breakup among my extended friends where the husband left, but he eventually worked through his problems and they made up. Maybe I'm just seeing coincidences where I want to see them.

    I'll have to think this out more, I'm starting to consider just taking a mental leave day and playing some games. A few days or a week might be too ambitious for now.

    MrT137 on
  • tehmarkentehmarken BrooklynRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    People are complicated, sometimes people just need to get out of a situation. There might also be secret problems that you'll never know about, that she might not even know about (chemical mental disorders are more common than people think, and undiagnosed people can do unexpdected things).

    Definitely work out, physical activity helps for general wellness. You seem like a solid guy, so just takes thing easy ;p

    tehmarken on
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    MrT137 wrote: »
    I've got lots of plans with friends, surprisingly my weekends this summer are getting super full already. It's probably because I don't have to try and convince my ex to do things together anymore.

    Well, we're well past the part where we talk about our issues and our marriage. I'll resist the urge to go on a diatribe about the whole feminist, sex-in-the-city movement influencing women to leave good relationships. I've known a couple other guys close to my age who have gone through a similar wife-up-and-leaves-happy-marriage-to-experience-single-life, and they all were devastated. I actually only know of one breakup among my extended friends where the husband left, but he eventually worked through his problems and they made up. Maybe I'm just seeing coincidences where I want to see them.

    I'll have to think this out more, I'm starting to consider just taking a mental leave day and playing some games. A few days or a week might be too ambitious for now.

    I think it's awesome you're doing well, and absolutely go and play as many video games as you feel like! It's a good way to make your priorities important to you again, same with going out and doing stuff with friends.

    But I do want to just give you a bit of the other side of the complete bullshit you're spouting there about the feminist movement encouraging young women to leave their good relationships. What may have been a good relationship from your view may not have been as fulfilling or exciting to your wife, or to your friends wives, and why is your contentment more important than hers? It isn't, and if you go about blaming the sex-in-the-city movement for someone growing the balls to admit "hey, this relationship isn't working for me" you're going to have a difficult time integrating with the dating circuit.

    From personal experience (married at 23, divorced at 30) the reason people tend to separate around that age, is that a LOT of growth and maturation and personal change happens in your twenties. And I know for damn sure that I'm not the same person now as I was when I walked down that aisle over seven years ago.

    You were young, you both grew up and then apart - don't be blaming a TV show or society for the evolution of your relationship.

    Usagi on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Twelve hours is pretty excessive, but I'm sure everyone's had that day from time to time. I suspect that if you actually attempt to play a game for twelve hours (or most of twelve hours) you would want to get up and do something else after four or five.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2010
    It's pretty funny that you even think there's a Sex in the City "movement". Like, your ex can't just decide for her own reasons that she's not happy with the relationship anymore. She was brainwashed by the liberal, feminist media. Look, I get that it sucks to be blindsided like this but you're not doing yourself any favors by pretending militant feminists or a tv show ruined your marriage. Put on the big man pants and accept that this just happens with adults that get married sometimes, and that part of the problem may have been that you weren't communicating nearly as well as you thought if this came out of nowhere. Learn and grow from this.

    Druhim on
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  • FagatronFagatron Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Well this thread sure is going places.

    EDIT: The reasons stated for why she wanted out of the marriage seem pretty insufficient/immature. Sure there's probably more going on, but let's not dogpile the guy who just got divorced in his breakup thread. We can discuss sexual inequality, feminazis, and the emasculation of men (almost) literally anywhere else on this board. Not here guys.

    Fagatron on
  • ObiFettObiFett Use the Force As You WishRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I went through nearly this exact same thing 3 years ago. Wife slowly drifted apart, told me she just wanted to be single, said I was a great Husband but that she just never loved me. Found out later she was cheating, though. I had the same desire to game and I ended up playing WoW for about 3 months. It was good for me, I think. After 3 months I knew I was done and "re-entered" the real world. Looking back it allowed me to escape reality and give my mind and emotions time to process what had just happened in degrees.

    Play some games. Give your mind and heart a break.

    ObiFett on
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I'm not going to go on about it but people don't generally just up and leave happy marriages to experience single life. You weren't what she wanted. You need to realize that.

    DodgeBlan on
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  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2010
    Maybe I'm the only one here that realizes marriages are something you work at, and don't drop out of just because you think you missed out on your 20's, and want to "experience life." If they grew into different people, then they owe it to the commitment and vows they took to try and help those two new people be just as much in love.

    But this is also not the thread to go over this with him, and we're only receiving his side of the story, so maybe we should all just focus on the advice he was requesting in the OP.

    Bionic Monkey on
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  • SkyCaptainSkyCaptain IndianaRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Do something other than gaming by yourself. Take up a hobby like martial arts or maybe even boffer fighting like Belgareth or Dargohir if you're really crazy.

    SkyCaptain on
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  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Okay so I would recommend WoW, a couple of months in an extremely involving fantasy world could be good for you. Especially if you've never played an MMO before.

    However if you think you have an addictive personality, or are the kind of person who will just play and play and play without mechanisms to stop you then don't get into it. You don't want to enter 2012 and find out you've got a game time of 120 days.

    DodgeBlan on
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  • DaemonionDaemonion Mountain Man USARegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I'm sure there are some movies you could watch to compliment your gaming time. For example, if you are going to be playing some Red Dead Redemption, you should watch Deadwood online, or buy it of Amazon or iTunes.

    If you can, try to stock up on some healthier snacks to enjoy while on the couch. Dried fruits and veggies, good quality beef jerky, some canned fish, natural (oily) nut butters, some good bread and hummus ...just to throw some ideas out there. Also, see if Restaurant Runners can deliver any awesome food for you.

    There are also some sweet co-op games out there if a buddy can join you for a day.

    And on a side note, I like your attitude.

    Daemonion on
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Don't schedule it. Just take a week or two off work and make it your "get up and have absolutely no obligations" time off.

    No one to have made plans with, no one relying on you to do anything, no one relying on you to be anywhere at a specific time. Just wake up, get up if you want, or maybe go back to sleep if you want. have lunch at 3:30pm if you want, eat breakfast in front of the computer in your underwear, don't shower until 8pm if you want, basically do whatever the fuck you want for a week or two or however long you take from work.

    Its amazing how much better you'll feel by doing all the things that you used to have to check for first.

    Even when living with a girl who doesn't mind my gaming, I still get off the computer every so often even on a Saturday (my day a week where I have no work at all) because we have to at the very least, do the food shopping every Saturday, if not other stuff, and regardless of the fact that I might want to spend ten of my hours on Saturday playing videogames, its selfish to do that when she probably doesn't, so I get off every few hours and spend some time with her.

    Now, you don't have to do any of that and could quite conceivably go to bed at midnight, wake up at 9 or 10am, walk straight from the bed to the computer chair, flop down in it, and not get up again until you're hungry, at which point you forage for food, then get back to the computer and eat there. I don't advise doing this for very long, no more than the length of your holiday, but it can be incredibly good for you to do it.

    Dhalphir on
  • CognisseurCognisseur Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    I just want to jump in and second that I think you guys are dog-piling the OP a tad much. He doesn't come off as some misogynistic asshole who thinks his woman should stay by his side no matter what she wants. To me, it just seems like he's real disappointed by how she handled the situation. She didn't really try to work things out; she didn't really discuss the problems as they unfolded so they could work on them; she didn't really put much effort into marriage counseling.

    At the same time, I totally agree that she left because she was unhappy in the relationship (or thought she could be happier elsewhere), and I don't particularly agree with OPs word choice in his latter post. I'm just trying to judge him by his actions rather than one poorly thought out post.

    Cognisseur on
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Being married is also not something that automatically stops you from enjoying your twenties. There is absolutely no reason to break up a marriage to "enjoy your youth".

    Literally the only thing a marriage prevents you doing is sleeping around/casual sex. Everything else you can do with a supportive enough partner.

    Dhalphir on
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    When someone breaks up with you because they want to 'live on their own' or 'enjoy their youth' or 'find themselves' what they actually mean is 'I don't love you as much as you love me'.

    DodgeBlan on
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  • moocowmoocow Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Get some books and movies too. 12 hours of gaming a day can be a bit much, and a movie and/or some reading time in the middle can help when you get sick of the controller/keyboard.

    moocow on
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  • TheLawinatorTheLawinator Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    If you really liked PAX East, maybe you should go to PAX West too!

    TheLawinator on
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