I once masturbated in the same room as my dad while blasted out of my mind on oxycodone following major surgery.
It took me a good while to realize that the two of you weren't masturbating in the same room, but that your dad was simply present. Now it looks like a fairly tame story, relatively (hoho) speaking.
I used to work as a busboy at Tony Roma's in Waikiki. I started on the day shift which was relatively chill (though it had it's moments), and eventually started taking night shifts, which is where the real money was. About $100 in tips a night, which wasn't anything spectacular, but certainly wasn't horrible for 4 or hours of work.
Anyway, it's my first night shift ever, and it's super busy. Part of my job was to drop bread and butter at tables to satiate the masses before their actual meal came out, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. So I'm walking around w/ a tray of about 4 things of bread on them, dropping them off wherever I can.
I approach one table, a family of 4. Mother, father, son and daughter. The daughter was a cute blonde, right about my age I would've guessed, and she was leaning over on the table talking to her mother. Soooo, I start doing my thing, and as I take the bread basket off of the tray a ramakin of butter accidentally drops. Well the cute blonde was still leaning forward talking to her mother, there was a gap between the small of her back and her jeans. Yeah. So naturally, this ramakin manages to literally wedge itself in her ass crack.
Before I even know what I'm doing I've already reached down and pulled it out. There are no words to describe the profound silence, stares and awkwardness that were the next few seconds.
Cue exit, stage left. Good times.
thanks for making me spit my sonic slushie all over my desk
This is more awesome than anything, but still pretty strange. As some of you fellow metalheads may know, the lead singer of Killswitch Engage (Howard Jones) was in the hospital during their most recent tour. Phil Labonte from All That Remains was filling in. I went to their concert in my town and was very happy that they came because bands don't usually come here, even though it's a major city. Anyway, two things:
1. Adam Dutkiewicz decided to wear a green cape throughout the show and spent most of the time running around stage, jumping off random things on/around the stage, and drinking large amounts of beer while playing godly amazingly.
2. Near the end of the show, Adam decided it would be great if someone flashed him. He shouted "We will play one more song if someone flashes me!" Now, the venue is set up so that there's general admission (on the floor) and a top tier of balcony seating running around the whole room. He managed to convince two girls in the balcony to flash their boobs. You'd think he'd be satisfied, but instead he somehow managed to start a "Titty War." Girls were on top of their boyfriends (or just random people, I don't know) flashing their tits and he was actually pointing out the best ones. Now for the strange, but also incredibly awesome part. At the end of this, Adam shouted "You have all won the great award of... ETERNAL SHAME!!!" Luckily, he did hold true to his promise and they played another few songs. It was more of a "you had to have been there" type of thing, but hopefully you can get a pretty good mental image of what was going on. Definitely the best concert I've ever been to.
tl;dr: Adam Dutkiewicz of Killswitch Engage does crazy shit and convinces girls to show their tits at a metal concert
Actually I think it's a very common occurance at Killswitch Engaged concerts, from what I've heard at least. I mean, there's usually some tits but those guys actively encourage it.
I worked with a guy who asked a female, highschool co-op student who wanted to become a school chaplin if she douches or not. Within an hour of meeting her.
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admanbunionize your workplaceSeattle, WARegistered Userregular
I don't know. The story was related to me and I inquired no further. I do know however that this guy is finished after ejaculating only once and his favourite pornographic film includes a scene with a monkey wrench in a garage.
Some people just give you too much information.
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facetiousa wit so dryit shits sandRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
.... I could fill an absurd number of posts in this thread. For now, I'll content myself with pasting a blog post I did detailing the single most embarrassing moment of my life.
In fifth grade every day our math teacher would write a problem on the whiteboard in every homeroom that we'd have to complete by the time our math class started, whatever period it happened to be. Mine was the very last of the day, so I always had some leeway if I didn't finish it during homeroom. Mostly I did it during recess, because I'd often stay inside with a friend playing "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" on the library computers.
This was one such day, but there was a problem. I had to pee really really badly. But I kept putting it off because we were doing so well in the game. But finally I was running out of time and had to go do the math problem, and either I was just way too distracted as I stood there bouncing from foot to foot to hold it in, or if it really was as difficult as it seemed, but I could NOT figure it out. And I was getting more and more nervous because I could hear the students coming back from recess.
The first of them was a boisterous sort of lad, prone to running through the halls. He burst in on me standing there, and all the anxiousness and the need for relief coalesced into me urinating myself. We stood there staring at each other for a moment, me in horror, him in dawning understanding.
He turned and ran back through the halls, shouting at the top of his lungs, "[my surname] PISSED HIMSELF!" I could literally hear him from the floor down, and the stairwell wasn't even that close to the classroom.
So now, every single student in our grade began to crowd in the doorway to stare at me as I stood there in my abject shame. It was like being in a fucking zoo.
Finally I had to look away, my eyes falling to the floor, and some genius part of me decided to break the silent tension by speaking into the void. The remark I stumbled upon was to make this salient observation about the puddle I had created and its unique shape:
"It's a whale."
Imagine this in a tiny, broken voice. Then imagine about 50 kids going absolutely APESHIT with laughter. I was fucking mortified.
.... for years afterward, they'd bring up the 'whale' story. In middle school, kids from my elementary school would tell kids from the other one with which we merged at middle school to ask me about it so I'd have to recount the story. At least two friends visited our elementary school and reported back the stain was faint, but still there.
It became almost legendary. I don't think I'll ever live it down.
facetious on
"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
Sir CarcassI have been shown the end of my worldRound Rock, TXRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
Man, that sucks for you guys. I know at my school at least, once someone had an accident, they were known for that for the rest of their school career. There was a guy in high school that shit himself in like 2nd grade, but even then he was still known as the guy that shit himself at school.
oh god, I was reading that thinking "that's rough" until I got to "It's a whale," at which point it took everything I had to restrain myself from bursting out laughing in the middle of class.
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facetiousa wit so dryit shits sandRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
Yeah, even I in hindsight find it hilarious in an absurdist kind of way. (It really did look like a fucking whale, btw.)
facetious on
"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
I was at the store this morning, when some woman, probably high as hell, came up to me, pointed at her crotch and asked me if I wanted to play the "Red Wings"
So I'm quoting this from my mom's phone. For context, the sender was with his wife and toddler (E) at a Thomas Tank Engine themed park in the south of the state.
received:
Sir Topham Hat collapsed in front of our eyes from the heat. We're trying to explain to [E] that he was just feeling tired ...
sent:
Good luck with that! Hope it is just a 'short nap'.
So I'm quoting this from my mom's phone. For context, the sender was with his wife and toddler (E) at a Thomas Tank Engine themed park in the south of the state.
received:
Sir Topham Hat collapsed in front of our eyes from the heat. We're trying to explain to [E] that he was just feeling tired ...
sent:
Good luck with that! Hope it is just a 'short nap'.
received:
Was taken away in an ambulance... :-(
I want to laugh... but at the same time I feel sorry for the toddler...
My youngest would prolly be traumatized to see Sir Topham Hat drop and get carted away in an ambulance...
Back in the 90's I used to frequent goth/industrial clubs. One night, while I was waiting for my ride to show up (mom's minivan(it's cool, she's a hippie)), this guy comes up to me and starts in on how these guys had knocked him down and taken his wallet. I was duly sympathetic and was attempting to commiserate when he says "You look like you can crack some heads, you help me take out these (racial slur)s, I'll give you the $50 they stole, alright?"
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world... and so here I am prowling downtown for a small gang of thugs when mom's minivan shows up. I sheepishly explain that my ride is here and make my exit, and have to explain to my mom that I was helping some drunk find his wallet.
So as far as I'm concerned my resume includes a brief stint as a mercenary, and possibly contract assassin.
Posts
It took me a good while to realize that the two of you weren't masturbating in the same room, but that your dad was simply present. Now it looks like a fairly tame story, relatively (hoho) speaking.
thanks for making me spit my sonic slushie all over my desk
1. Adam Dutkiewicz decided to wear a green cape throughout the show and spent most of the time running around stage, jumping off random things on/around the stage, and drinking large amounts of beer while playing godly amazingly.
2. Near the end of the show, Adam decided it would be great if someone flashed him. He shouted "We will play one more song if someone flashes me!" Now, the venue is set up so that there's general admission (on the floor) and a top tier of balcony seating running around the whole room. He managed to convince two girls in the balcony to flash their boobs. You'd think he'd be satisfied, but instead he somehow managed to start a "Titty War." Girls were on top of their boyfriends (or just random people, I don't know) flashing their tits and he was actually pointing out the best ones. Now for the strange, but also incredibly awesome part. At the end of this, Adam shouted "You have all won the great award of... ETERNAL SHAME!!!" Luckily, he did hold true to his promise and they played another few songs. It was more of a "you had to have been there" type of thing, but hopefully you can get a pretty good mental image of what was going on. Definitely the best concert I've ever been to.
tl;dr: Adam Dutkiewicz of Killswitch Engage does crazy shit and convinces girls to show their tits at a metal concert
Actually I think it's a very common occurance at Killswitch Engaged concerts, from what I've heard at least. I mean, there's usually some tits but those guys actively encourage it.
I worked with a guy who asked a female, highschool co-op student who wanted to become a school chaplin if she douches or not. Within an hour of meeting her.
I don't know. The story was related to me and I inquired no further. I do know however that this guy is finished after ejaculating only once and his favourite pornographic film includes a scene with a monkey wrench in a garage.
Some people just give you too much information.
In fifth grade every day our math teacher would write a problem on the whiteboard in every homeroom that we'd have to complete by the time our math class started, whatever period it happened to be. Mine was the very last of the day, so I always had some leeway if I didn't finish it during homeroom. Mostly I did it during recess, because I'd often stay inside with a friend playing "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" on the library computers.
This was one such day, but there was a problem. I had to pee really really badly. But I kept putting it off because we were doing so well in the game. But finally I was running out of time and had to go do the math problem, and either I was just way too distracted as I stood there bouncing from foot to foot to hold it in, or if it really was as difficult as it seemed, but I could NOT figure it out. And I was getting more and more nervous because I could hear the students coming back from recess.
The first of them was a boisterous sort of lad, prone to running through the halls. He burst in on me standing there, and all the anxiousness and the need for relief coalesced into me urinating myself. We stood there staring at each other for a moment, me in horror, him in dawning understanding.
He turned and ran back through the halls, shouting at the top of his lungs, "[my surname] PISSED HIMSELF!" I could literally hear him from the floor down, and the stairwell wasn't even that close to the classroom.
So now, every single student in our grade began to crowd in the doorway to stare at me as I stood there in my abject shame. It was like being in a fucking zoo.
Finally I had to look away, my eyes falling to the floor, and some genius part of me decided to break the silent tension by speaking into the void. The remark I stumbled upon was to make this salient observation about the puddle I had created and its unique shape:
"It's a whale."
Imagine this in a tiny, broken voice. Then imagine about 50 kids going absolutely APESHIT with laughter. I was fucking mortified.
.... for years afterward, they'd bring up the 'whale' story. In middle school, kids from my elementary school would tell kids from the other one with which we merged at middle school to ask me about it so I'd have to recount the story. At least two friends visited our elementary school and reported back the stain was faint, but still there.
It became almost legendary. I don't think I'll ever live it down.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
My face was literally
No, no it couldnt have.
Anyone who would have let it lead to a strange story are mentally disturbed
Can she catch up?
If it's not 100% 'no' then KEEP RUNNING.
I ran, I ran so far away.
I just ran, I ran all night and day.
I finally got away.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Now I am all
^^^ This could possibly be the understatement of the year.
Just don't do it. For the love of all that is sane, just DON'T GOOGLE IT!!!
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sent:
received:
I want to laugh... but at the same time I feel sorry for the toddler...
My youngest would prolly be traumatized to see Sir Topham Hat drop and get carted away in an ambulance...
Oh come on, it sucks, but it's not that bad.
I have never been more thankful for a broken image link
Should be fixed now.
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world... and so here I am prowling downtown for a small gang of thugs when mom's minivan shows up. I sheepishly explain that my ride is here and make my exit, and have to explain to my mom that I was helping some drunk find his wallet.
So as far as I'm concerned my resume includes a brief stint as a mercenary, and possibly contract assassin.