so would i be right to assume there's some strategy involved with quickmatch? I keep getting emails when someone rates me well or whatever, people must realize that you get notified about it, right?
its looking like an even lamer way to get someone's attention than sending a wink and a hi. maybe its just me
Ellie: I have read three of your messages now on these forums, why won't you sleep with me you loserprude?!??!?!
Srsly...it's all so confusing to most of us men as well.....if a dude is gonna be pissed that you won't sleep with him after 3 dates then he's clearly not the dude for you
rotfl I love that you've been paying attention. And you're right. I just get nervous thinking that I am somehow so behind the times and that if I don't essentially update my behaviour to the new standard that I am going to end up alone. My best friend says I'll end up a dog lady. Which is what you are when you should be a cat lady, but are a dog person.
Move to massachusettes and hang out with me. We can be dog people, but together
I can vouch for Justin. He sure is a catch. If it wasn't for his suggestion that I hook up with a bridesmaid at my boss's wedding this Sunday, I would just not go.
Things I did for a girl in the past week:
- Bought her dinner on the first date
- On the same first date, I won her a carnival prize. A monkey with a banana on it's head.
- Hung out with her when she wasn't feeling well. I was later told by her that she was glad I came over because it helped her feel better.
- Cooked a fish, vegetables and rice dinner for her.
- Took her to play Pool.
- Got "dumped" when she met a guy at a bar that she liked better than me.
I am a fucking catch. It's the bitches that'll getches.
yeah bro i couldn't imagine doing all those things for someone i've just met. I would laugh if someone expected me to pay for anything she gets on a date.
see no, it looks more like a lack of confidence. The nice thing you do for someone is to show that you're willing to spend some of your time getting to know her because she made a good impression of you. she can buy her own things.
Justin, for what it's worth, I think that stuff you did was really sweet.
I'm always surprised when my boyfriend pays for things. We went to the movies and I stood behind him, expecting to buy my ticket after he got his, and it shocked me to hear "Two for [movie], please." A guy paying for something tells me that he's traditional, and that he's interested.
Edit: Although, on further reflection, Shakes is kind of right. It can come off as creepy, or like you're moving too fast, depending on the mindset of the girl. It's very subjective. My gut instinct was sweet, rather than creep, though.
I really can't find a nice way to word this. You're both wrong and stupid.
You're the one that got dumped, so I think facts speak for themselves.
You cannot overwhelm people you just met with insanely nice gestures and expect them to get attracted to you. That's like trying to force their attraction - secretly hoping that they are going to realize how nice you are - and it never, ever works.
There is a reason Nice Guys (TM) finish last. It doesn't have anything to do with "you shouldn't be nice to people" and everything to do with the entitlement complex that comes with acting overly nice. It is repulsive and creepy.
Justin, for what it's worth, I think that stuff you did was really sweet.
I'm always surprised when my boyfriend pays for things. We went to the movies and I stood behind him, expecting to buy my ticket after he got his, and it shocked me to hear "Two for [movie], please." A guy paying for something tells me that he's traditional, and that he's interested.
Paying for a movie ticket, I can understand. But look at this list:
- Bought her dinner on the first date
- On the same first date, I won her a carnival prize. A monkey with a banana on it's head.
- Hung out with her when she wasn't feeling well. I was later told by her that she was glad I came over because it helped her feel better.
- Cooked a fish, vegetables and rice dinner for her.
- Took her to play Pool.
That's way too excessively nice for someone you just met.
It's just a difference of preference and personality is all. Of course there's no 'right way' in these things. I would be offended if someone either expected me to pay for her or tried to pay for me when i've just met her. I'm not going to sacrifice any principles or change my personality for someone, i'm going to look for someone who will compliment those things and be compatible with me. people are different
I really can't find a nice way to word this. You're both wrong and stupid.
You're the one that got dumped, so I think facts speak for themselves.
You cannot overwhelm people you just met with insanely nice gestures and expect them to get attracted to you. That's like trying to force their attraction - secretly hoping that they are going to realize how nice you are - and it never, ever works.
There is a reason Nice Guys (TM) finish last. It doesn't have anything to do with "you shouldn't be nice to people" and everything to do with the entitlement complex that comes with acting overly nice. It is repulsive and creepy.
- I always pay for the first date. Always. Even if the girl offers, no, I got this one. Potential future ones, we'll work out.
- The carnival was her idea. And so was her wanting me to play. She saw the monkey and said "omg, I want that. You think you can win?" I won. Because I'm awesome.
- Going over her place, also her idea. We were supposed to go out but she suggested just going over there instead.
- The cooking thing was my idea. She casually mentioned no guy has ever cooked for her so I said I could.
- The pool was also my idea, because she likes pool. I thought it would be something to do.
Not really. You're all just callous jerks. Apparently bitches like that, but that's not me.
Once again, look at the end result: despite all those nice things you did, you got dumped for some random guy at a bar. You can either look objectively at what you did wrong, or you can blame it on the girl. Most guys do the latter because honest self-reflection is hard.
Yes, being nice to people is a good thing. But there is a line that you clearly went way over.
Here's a tip: Learn to say no to girls when they ask you to do things for them.
The cooking thing, for example, I would have said, "what, are you secretly implying that you want me to cook for you? i usually don't do that until <insert timeframe here>. But tell you what, maybe we can split the cooking - you cook X and I cook Y."
I have no problem either way personally. If they want to split it I'll do that, but I will say I have no problem covering it. That or we'll split it another way (like me buying the movie tickets, them paying for the food, or something like that).
I don't know, Justin. There is something to be said about playing hard to get for some people. Maybe next time a girl tells you that she's never had a guy do X for her, you respond with "Maybe we could do that sometime," and leave it as some sort of promise of future activity, rather than jumping into the deep end.
Clearly, this was just not the right girl for you. Maybe there will be better luck on the horizon.
It just borders to close on putting her on a pedestal; treating her different because she is "special".
No, she is a human being. I'd be really uncomfortable if a person I'd recently met did all of that for me in such a short span of time. It wouldn't feel like I was contributing to the relationship, just that I was being "taken care of". What the fuck is that about? The second you treat someone you're dating differently because they are whatever gender they are, you're insulting them.
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
I think this is the main issue. That's a lot of seeing a person in one week that you just met.
I don't see anything wrong with what you did, nothing screams doormat to me, all seems like pretty traditional "i'm a dude, i'll pay for shit" mentality....i do that with FRIENDS....money isn't as important to me though i guess??
eh...i just think you may have come across as too eager by seeing her so much in such a short span? who knows
I have no problem either way personally. If they want to split it I'll do that, but I will say I have no problem covering it. That or we'll split it another way (like me buying the movie tickets, them paying for the food, or something like that).
I usually say "I get this one, you get the next" or something along those lines. Accomplishes two things: the date was my idea so I'll pay for it, but the next one (hint: there IS going to be a next one!) is by you because we're equals.
But the money thing has less to do about gender and more about heritage. I come from an Italian family that tosses money around like it doesn't matter. So I don't care about spending money on a girl because it's not important to me.
I still think you're reading too much into it about the babying. I don't "baby" girls.
I think you play into gender roles more than you might be aware (but what good are opinions and discussion if you aren't taking an extreme side).
I don't think he was babying her from what I read, or anything like that. I'm surprised by your take on it (not that I don't think it's a valid opinion of the situation, even if I disagree with it). I wouldn't have felt like I was not being treated as an equal had I been in her shoes. I may have seen him as overly enthusiastic, but I wouldn't have felt like I was being treated like a child, or a piece of property, or whatever you may be insinuating here.
I always pay for the first date. Always. Even if the girl offers, no, I got this one.
This speaks volumes for me. If she wants to pay (possible reasons include her not feeling comfortable having a man pay for her because she is an adult and she doesn't know this guy, not wanting to feel like he's going to be owed sex, etc) he says no. He doesn't take into consideration her feelings, he says no.
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
Me and my roommate alternate who pays for meals and other shit all the time.
If your room mate said, 'hey man, can you win that prize for me?", you would?
If your room mate said, "man, I've never had anyone iron my shirts for me..." or "man, I've never had anyone take me to a play...", you would?
Then cool on you, you're consistent. I'm not looking for you to say "oh fuck, you're right!", but do consider how your actions may be coming across to some women. To always do what someone asks you to do, goign so far as to doing things you weren't even asked specifically for, creates a very large gap in status. Partners should share status and be fairly equal (all things considered) in a healthy relationship.
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
I still think you're reading way too much into this, Improvolone. Just because he's maybe treating a girl friend differently than he would a guy friend doesn't mean that it's wrong. I don't know how to really respond to this without getting into a discussion about gender roles and sexism that I really do not feel like having. I think you're making too much of this. Stick to the "laying it on too thick" argument.
Ellie on
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
Important life rule: Don't ever buy a woman a drink in a bar. Do you do that too?
Seriously, that is the worst thing you can do to impress someone.
BTW, Justin, the fact that you did those nice things and immediately bullet point them for us as examples convinces me pretty hard that you were just doing it to be rewarded by the girl. Which is not my definition of nice. It's just a reverse pick up artist strategy and honestly, I think it's not going to be successful and a waste.
Your attitude about it is the really poor part though. The guys above were maybe initially too hard, but how you came back at them just reinforced that they were correct.
No one likes someone who is always nice and supportive. I'm not saying don't be nice and supportive, because I am both... but ALWAYS putting someones feelings ahead of your own is not what people want out of someone they date, have a relationship with and spend their lives with. And then trumping up a list of why that makes you the best in relationships is just sad.
consider how your actions may be coming across to some women.
this is the thing. it's cool that you're a nice dude and all, but if your goal is to get in a relationship you might have to consider how they view those actions.
iowa on
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Gabriel_Pitt(effective against Russian warships)Registered Userregular
I didn't immediately bullet point shit for anyone. Protein made an off hand comment about how I'm not a catch because of a joke I made the other day to him. So I listed last week's events with a girl. And you're right, I was looking for a reward for my actions. For her to like me. Because that's the point of even finding a relationship.
God some of you people are just way too off the deep end sometimes.
Edit: I also didn't post about any of the conversations we had and the shit we talked about. Just the things we did. So you have, at best half the story of the week.
I didn't immediately bullet point shit for anyone. Protein made an off hand comment about how I'm not a catch because of a joke I made the other day to him. So I listed last week's events with a girl. And you're right, I was looking for a reward for my actions. For her to like me. Because that's the point of even finding a relationship.
God some of you people are just way too off the deep end sometimes.
You are terribly wrong about this.
Just sayin'.
The moment you look at it in terms of "reward", you're basically internalizing the idea that you are their doormat and they have control over you from the top of the pedestal on which you placed them.
This is not a normal or healthy way of looking at potential relationships.
Posts
its looking like an even lamer way to get someone's attention than sending a wink and a hi. maybe its just me
Things I did for a girl in the past week:
- Bought her dinner on the first date
- On the same first date, I won her a carnival prize. A monkey with a banana on it's head.
- Hung out with her when she wasn't feeling well. I was later told by her that she was glad I came over because it helped her feel better.
- Cooked a fish, vegetables and rice dinner for her.
- Took her to play Pool.
- Got "dumped" when she met a guy at a bar that she liked better than me.
I am a fucking catch. It's the bitches that'll getches.
They are nice things in the sense that acting like you're their slave is a nice thing.
Nice only in your head. Creepy in theirs.
I'm always surprised when my boyfriend pays for things. We went to the movies and I stood behind him, expecting to buy my ticket after he got his, and it shocked me to hear "Two for [movie], please." A guy paying for something tells me that he's traditional, and that he's interested.
Edit: Although, on further reflection, Shakes is kind of right. It can come off as creepy, or like you're moving too fast, depending on the mindset of the girl. It's very subjective. My gut instinct was sweet, rather than creep, though.
You're the one that got dumped, so I think facts speak for themselves.
You cannot overwhelm people you just met with insanely nice gestures and expect them to get attracted to you. That's like trying to force their attraction - secretly hoping that they are going to realize how nice you are - and it never, ever works.
There is a reason Nice Guys (TM) finish last. It doesn't have anything to do with "you shouldn't be nice to people" and everything to do with the entitlement complex that comes with acting overly nice. It is repulsive and creepy.
Paying for a movie ticket, I can understand. But look at this list:
- Bought her dinner on the first date
- On the same first date, I won her a carnival prize. A monkey with a banana on it's head.
- Hung out with her when she wasn't feeling well. I was later told by her that she was glad I came over because it helped her feel better.
- Cooked a fish, vegetables and rice dinner for her.
- Took her to play Pool.
That's way too excessively nice for someone you just met.
- I always pay for the first date. Always. Even if the girl offers, no, I got this one. Potential future ones, we'll work out.
- The carnival was her idea. And so was her wanting me to play. She saw the monkey and said "omg, I want that. You think you can win?" I won. Because I'm awesome.
- Going over her place, also her idea. We were supposed to go out but she suggested just going over there instead.
- The cooking thing was my idea. She casually mentioned no guy has ever cooked for her so I said I could.
- The pool was also my idea, because she likes pool. I thought it would be something to do.
So no, the creep factor goes out the window.
Once again, look at the end result: despite all those nice things you did, you got dumped for some random guy at a bar. You can either look objectively at what you did wrong, or you can blame it on the girl. Most guys do the latter because honest self-reflection is hard.
Yes, being nice to people is a good thing. But there is a line that you clearly went way over.
Here's a tip: Learn to say no to girls when they ask you to do things for them.
The cooking thing, for example, I would have said, "what, are you secretly implying that you want me to cook for you? i usually don't do that until <insert timeframe here>. But tell you what, maybe we can split the cooking - you cook X and I cook Y."
I have no problem either way personally. If they want to split it I'll do that, but I will say I have no problem covering it. That or we'll split it another way (like me buying the movie tickets, them paying for the food, or something like that).
I don't know, Justin. There is something to be said about playing hard to get for some people. Maybe next time a girl tells you that she's never had a guy do X for her, you respond with "Maybe we could do that sometime," and leave it as some sort of promise of future activity, rather than jumping into the deep end.
Clearly, this was just not the right girl for you. Maybe there will be better luck on the horizon.
No, she is a human being. I'd be really uncomfortable if a person I'd recently met did all of that for me in such a short span of time. It wouldn't feel like I was contributing to the relationship, just that I was being "taken care of". What the fuck is that about? The second you treat someone you're dating differently because they are whatever gender they are, you're insulting them.
I don't see anything wrong with what you did, nothing screams doormat to me, all seems like pretty traditional "i'm a dude, i'll pay for shit" mentality....i do that with FRIENDS....money isn't as important to me though i guess??
eh...i just think you may have come across as too eager by seeing her so much in such a short span? who knows
I usually say "I get this one, you get the next" or something along those lines. Accomplishes two things: the date was my idea so I'll pay for it, but the next one (hint: there IS going to be a next one!) is by you because we're equals.
But the money thing has less to do about gender and more about heritage. I come from an Italian family that tosses money around like it doesn't matter. So I don't care about spending money on a girl because it's not important to me.
I still think you're reading too much into it about the babying. I don't "baby" girls.
Honestly man, if this was one of your male friends, would you have treated them the same way?
To be totally fair though, you cannot treat like an adult someone who goes to a carnival, points at a toy, and goes "omg, I want that."
If your room mate said, 'hey man, can you win that prize for me?", you would?
If your room mate said, "man, I've never had anyone iron my shirts for me..." or "man, I've never had anyone take me to a play...", you would?
Then cool on you, you're consistent. I'm not looking for you to say "oh fuck, you're right!", but do consider how your actions may be coming across to some women. To always do what someone asks you to do, goign so far as to doing things you weren't even asked specifically for, creates a very large gap in status. Partners should share status and be fairly equal (all things considered) in a healthy relationship.
I still think you're reading way too much into this, Improvolone. Just because he's maybe treating a girl friend differently than he would a guy friend doesn't mean that it's wrong. I don't know how to really respond to this without getting into a discussion about gender roles and sexism that I really do not feel like having. I think you're making too much of this. Stick to the "laying it on too thick" argument.
Seriously, that is the worst thing you can do to impress someone.
BTW, Justin, the fact that you did those nice things and immediately bullet point them for us as examples convinces me pretty hard that you were just doing it to be rewarded by the girl. Which is not my definition of nice. It's just a reverse pick up artist strategy and honestly, I think it's not going to be successful and a waste.
Your attitude about it is the really poor part though. The guys above were maybe initially too hard, but how you came back at them just reinforced that they were correct.
No one likes someone who is always nice and supportive. I'm not saying don't be nice and supportive, because I am both... but ALWAYS putting someones feelings ahead of your own is not what people want out of someone they date, have a relationship with and spend their lives with. And then trumping up a list of why that makes you the best in relationships is just sad.
I guess I'm not an adult then, darn.
this is the thing. it's cool that you're a nice dude and all, but if your goal is to get in a relationship you might have to consider how they view those actions.
See, you sound like you're being serious when you say things like that, which makes it very hard to treat you like an adult.
God some of you people are just way too off the deep end sometimes.
Edit: I also didn't post about any of the conversations we had and the shit we talked about. Just the things we did. So you have, at best half the story of the week.
You are terribly wrong about this.
Just sayin'.
The moment you look at it in terms of "reward", you're basically internalizing the idea that you are their doormat and they have control over you from the top of the pedestal on which you placed them.
This is not a normal or healthy way of looking at potential relationships.
This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. Liking someone isn't a reward. It shouldn't be the carrot on the stick.