My name is Avina and I'll be your guide on the citadel today
Mass Effect is an action role-playing game developed by BioWare for the Xbox 360 and then ported to Microsoft Windows by Demiurge Studios. The Xbox 360 version was released worldwide in November 2007 published by Microsoft Game Studios. The Windows version was released on May 28, 2008, published by Electronic Arts.
According to our records this is your second visit to the citadel.
Mass Effect 2 is an action role-playing game developed by BioWare and published by Electronic Arts. The game is a sequel to Mass Effect, and the second game of the series. The game was released on PC and Xbox 360 in January 2010, and is due for release on PlayStation 3 in January 2011.
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WE HAVE ALSO FOUND YOU A NEW SQUAD MATE
THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE GROUP CEBERUS
YOU HAVE AWAKENED AND NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT UPGRADES
I WILL EXPLAIN LATER
And our agent who goes by the name TychoCelchuuu's has created you some Facebook pages: one two three
AND A GENERAL BEHAVOURAL GUIDE LINE
YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO OPEN YOU EMAILS
Think Zaeed's a stone cold killer? He's not, and here's proof: Jessie - A Love Story
All aboard the Love Boat with Jacob Taylor: The Prize - Jacob Taylor
Kasanagi's early Christmas present to us; a mod that turns the widow into a fully automatic death machine:
We caught the turian council member making a funny.Airquotes
Who else but Miranda?: Is that a new hairstyle?
Mass Effect movie? y/n?
need crucial info on the inner thinking of a reaper? LOOK NO FURTHER!
Most people don’t like to talk about it but most Shepards suffer from sever Suicide mission falure LOOK NO FURTHER THEN HERE FOR HELP ON THIS PROBLEM
You think your Shepard looks ugly? At least he’s not his guy.
AND FOR OUR GRAND FINALE!
THE SONG THAT GOES WITH EVERTHING
sovereign watches the asari discover citadel
THEY ARE PRETTY, YES. BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY BEGUN A CULTURAL STAGNATION. UNFLAVORFUL AND BLAND I DEEM THEM
salarians come in, ambitious, but under the influence of asari cease progressing as well
OH GOD THEY'RE LIKE POP ROCKS. TOO BAD THEY DON'T LAST LONGER....ANYONE ELSE GOING TO JOIN THE PARTY?
no? oh well guess i'll drop the voice effects it's not like these rachni can appreciate them anyway. ok you bug queens guess i'll trigger this purge early. not much this time around but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. wish you buggers were worth more to me than as a puppet race...ah nevermind
OH FUCK KROGANS
dammit, they didn't even register on my spacefaring, relay-using species list! D: looks like this plan ain't gonna work retreeeat
also very odd i sent the signal to open the citadel relay but it didn't work. UPSETTING.
also dammit that was the loss of a good puppet race D: indoctrinate the queens and everyone follows ugh ugh where am i gonna find another one oh well
ooo turians OOOO they didn't even get to the citadel until they were already worth harvesting? OMFG you guys ALONE are worth this purge i gotta let the guys know~ mebbe they'll give me a puppet race or something too!
um ok they're excited too but they say nobody gets access to the collectors unless it's an EMERGENCY
uh, uh *casts around*
OH HO HO SENTIENT TOASTERS YOU SAY? I CAN WORK WITH THAT! NO I DON'T CARE THAT THEY HAVE FLASHLIGHT HEADS
hmm humans? well they're no krogan i don't think i have to worry about them much hahaha
besides i've got enough busy-work traipsing all over the galaxy trying to find this prothean "back door" thingy
did the guys bother to tell me about that? nooooo they just get to point and laugh, specially that bitch harbinger. DENY ME ACCESS TO THE COLLECTORS WILL YOU? YOU JUST WAIT
HOW BOUT I LEAVE YOU ALL IN BLACK SPACE HMMM?
i was just kidding guys- ah you don't have to bring that up-LOOK I SAID I WAS SORRY.
who the fuck is this shepard person?
ok, WHO the FUCK is this SHEPARD person?
OMFG WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHEPARD PERSON. I AM GOING TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THIS HUMAN.
blah that didn't go as well as i'd liked. doesn't matter anyway, me and my flashlight heads are in the backdoor. the guys will like the taste of the turians and it's just gravy if i get to personally stomp out this humanity species too. GOD they can be ANNOYING.
OMFG SHEPARD I SWEAR TO GOD
WHAT? DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY GUYS, WE ALL AGREED THAT SOVVY WAS TOO INCOMPETENT TO USE THE COLLECTORS.
OK FINE THIS IS A PROBLEM ALRIGHT I'LL USE THE COLLECTORS TO DEAL WITH IT
SHEPARD'S DEAD ARE YOU HAPPY? GOOD.
WHAT NOW. YOU WANT TO USE THE HUMANS? WHAT ARE YOU, OUT OF YOUR BIOMECHANICAL MINDS?
FINE. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
OH FUCK OH FUCK SHEPARD'S BACK OH FUCK
I THOUGHT I KILLED HIM TOO DON'T FUCKING BLAME ME IT'S NOT MY FAULT SOVVY LEFT THE HUSK TECH LYING AROUND WHERE THEY COULD RESEARCH IT
shepard is in the collector base. ah shit. ah SHIT SHIT SHIIITTTTT
look, i'm sorry guys i didn't mean for that to happen. YES i know that was our backup plan. YES i know we don't have any "spare" puppet species. YES i know just how much energy we spent on the collectors and on that base.
just....leave me alone. i gotta think.
This goes with:
Mass Effect 1 (all of it)
Mass Effect 2, disc 1 (all of it)
Mass Effect 2, disc 2 (all of it)
Every moment of your life
A final thanks to Bioware for creating two awesome games
Dox the PI for the 10 minutes it took to create this clusterfuck of an OP
And you the, the reader, because without you no one would be reading this.