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Tips for not stressing out so much?
WildSpoon
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey all, I was curious if any of you have similar issues or any tips for me. I am a "worrier." I have very little trouble stressing out and worrying to the maximum about any situation or potential situation. It takes very little set me off down the path of "oh man i dont know, what if what if... etc". Argh, I know I'm wording this terribly but I'm not sure how else to say it. I worry about everything, all the time, very easily, and i want to stop it. How?
Yes when I drink and whatnot i can be relaxed of course and im not stressed out 24hrs a day by any means. Its just when a new potentially "bad" situation hits me and random person next to me, they may take it in stride, where as I will stress it. I'd like a solution(s) to no longer be that guy, preferably one that doesnt involve drinking more
Anyway, thanks in advance.
Yes when I drink and whatnot i can be relaxed of course and im not stressed out 24hrs a day by any means. Its just when a new potentially "bad" situation hits me and random person next to me, they may take it in stride, where as I will stress it. I'd like a solution(s) to no longer be that guy, preferably one that doesnt involve drinking more
Anyway, thanks in advance.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
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When was the last time you felt like this?
As a general tip though, take a walk if you can and give yourself time to think.
Do not keep this all bottled up. It will drive you absolutely crazy and make everything worse. Start talking to someone you trust and can rely on and then when you're ready, see a professional (it took me a while before I was ready to see someone but it was the right thing to do when I decided it was time)
I don't really know if anyone can tell you how to do that... or maybe I'm just not a good teacher... but that's what worked for me. Instead of worrying about all these what-ifs, I just started focusing on the present and what things around me I could control.
I accepted that I can't control everything, really I can't control much of anything, and decided to deal with things as they come and not worry about if they would come.
This doesn't mean be all head-in-the-clouds about everything. You still must be aware of the consequences of choices you make, and think things through (rationally) before acting. The difference is you're not hindering yourself by worrying about things that are intangible at best and beyond your ability to change.
Also, to the inevitable jackass who's going to suggest smoking weed: That doesn't solve anything.
I try breathing deep and slow and what not and it doesnt seem to do the trick. Thanks again.
Edit:
Ya thats kinda what im thinking i have to lock on to... but I'll be damned if I've had any success in that line of thinking.
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=108353
I also use this same technique when I'm trying to sleep. I'll keep a pad and pen on my bedside table and if there's something that I have to do that I'ms tressing out about, I'll write it down and then I know I can just deal with it tomorrow
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
I drink hella caffeine. Prolly a few cups of black coffee a day during work. I've given up many vices over the last year but coffee has been one that actually kinda ramped up as others went away (smoking, soda, junk food, etc.) Overall ive been on the quest to improve my fitness and what not and its been happening, but this "mental fitness" if you will is a major hurdle for me and hence im tryin to fix it now as well.
edit:
Oh hey wow thanks Aldo, ill check that out.
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
I'm sorry, my question wasn't really clear. Would you please share one or two specific instances in which you felt this way? If you could take us through a specific event and give us your thought process behind it, we might be able to provide you with more-useful advice. It will certainly influence the sort of advice I give you, at the very least.
Well again, its kind of an always on thing. but off the top of my head an example could be i was driving around and noticed that my car was making a weird noise. FIRST thing that pops into my head is "oh shit oh shit whats wrong this is gonna be expensive should i go to the mechanic right now should i googles this shit shit..." By the time i get home, im a bit calmer but still worried,i look around online and figure out my problem / that its not a problem at all, and move on. THEN the stress goes away (about that particular event).
Again, i seem to have the ability to work through shit no problem, in fact in ways the stress motivates me to solve shit cuz i hate feeling stressed, but... i cant - NOT - feel the crappy stressed out way that i do.
make any sense? (lol i doubt it).
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
Why was your first thought about the expense?
Why not? we all got bills to pay and im unfortunately upside down on a mortgage that takes most of my dollars. Along with most of the world. This i have accepted but being worried about expense doesnt seem like that "off the wall" type of worry. The point is i freak out about it and attack the problem instead of just attack the problem. If it wasnt freaking about the money it would be another situation where i freak out about what someone else might do / say about a given situation or something else random. The problem is looking back now at events in the past, its always easy to be logical and tell myself "See dummy? It all works out, stop freakin." Alas, while any given "problem" strikes though, i lock on to something terrible or worrisome about it and amp it up.
I need to train my initial reactions to be different than "OH SHI-" whenever something unexpected / bad happens. Telling myself i need to do this and actually accomplishing it will be the trick I guess lol.
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
I perceive that you may be feeling defensive about my question; I hope you will rest assured that I'm not judging you because of what you're sharing, I'm only asking so that I can understand your thought process. Additionally, I'm hoping that answering some questions about your thought process can help you better understand it because that might help you process your stress in a more-efficient manner.
Can you think of another specific example?
Hrmm, i didnt intend to be defensive but maybe i was. Again, its hard to think of specifics when its just "how i live" know what i mean? Uhh... When emailing back and forth with my ex wife about things concerning our kid, after i shoot off an email ill sometimes stress about the reply thats incoming, which can be hell when it takes hours. Even though i have no control over how she will reply and will just have to deal with whatever when it comes... and i know this... i still run through all the possible replies / scenarios in my head over and over and drive myself crazy.
Now, to be fair it could be said that the last year has been an overall worse one what with initiating the seperation / divorce and dealing with all the fun involved there. But i wanna stress (lolz) that this is something i have been doing with all types of situations all my life. Even as a little kid id freak out over the smallest thing, only to immediately regret said freak out after i calmed down. Over the years growing up ive had periods where its been worse or better, but its always been something that i've struggled with.
Again, I'm just trying to fix / grow on the metal state / fitness side here instead of just accepting it as how i am as I've done all my life to this point.
edit: oh and thanks again for putting up with my wishy washy replies
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
What sort of potential reply are you fearing/expecting when you're stressing out about it?
Now, there is little you can do about the car until you get home. Once you have the ability to check, you seem able to set your anxiety aside. The problem is that middle area. Here you have to be able to accept that you have no active control over the situation at present and there is nothing that you can do to change matters. However, at the same time, you have to be able to understand that you are still very much in control over your life and your livelihood, and know that as soon as you can prudently check the situation, you will do so.
This is not an easy thing, or an easy state of mind to reach. It involves a considerable amount of objectivity and passivity that most people find difficult to acquire, especially in times of difficulty or while hurt by a large number of negative factors. These all tend to stack on each other and make it harder and harder to put even small issues aside in their proper place until you have the luxury of looking at them.
There is no easy trick to it, at least not one I'm familiar with. When I went through some bad times and had similar problems I kept a string bracelet a friend made me with some beads on it as a sort of secular rosary. When things started to feel out of control, I would thumb through the beads and remind myself of all the ways I had things tied down and how simple it would be to fix them. I usually calmed down pretty quick, but the beads were surprisingly helpful. Not sure if it will help you, but it might be worth a shot.
in that particular instance i would have been worried about incoming anger / frustration / whatever else. I dunno... Again, after the fact i have no problem looking back on things and realizing I'm being silly and don't stress it. its the MOMENT of impact thats the problem.
Through what a lot of people are saying I'm definitely getting an idea that what would work for me is a way to pause / stop the ramping up of stress cycle i do when I'm facing something. Be it through a physical proxy or technique i dunno yet, but that definitely seems like a promising idea to focus on.
Again, nothing but thanks to all who replied, you people are awesome
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9K4BKkLaCI
I'm feeling inclined to suggest seeing a counselor or a therapist. I gather that you do have some anxiety issues, but off-hand it sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed stuff going on in your life independent of that anxiety, and the degree to which you feel out of control w/r/t those larger situations may be spilling over into the level of control you feel w/r/t smaller issues. The good news is that I doubt you're going to need medication if you don't want it since there are some obvious external sources for a lot of the stress you're dealing with.
In regards to how you're specifically addressing (or failing to address) those smaller situations, I'm struck by a couple of things. First, while you seem to indicate that you catastrophize minor problems, it also seems like you can't actually verbalize any specific concerns. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you're catastrophizing, you might try identifying what specifically it is that you feel concerned about or afraid of. That might help you decide more-quickly whether or not what is bothering you is rational or irrational as well as expedite your transition from "worrying" mode into "problem solving" mode. Making a list of exactly what you can do and writing down a solution might also help you feel more proactive about dealing with your problems -- and thus may make you feel more in control.
In terms of general happiness and peace of mind that doesn't involve drinking, exercise has been suggested, and I agree that it's a good idea. I would suggest taking it a step further and make exercise a personal goal-oriented endeavor. Make these goals simple, quantifiable and short-term. For instance, if you can do four reps of 10 curls with a 25 lbs deadweight, try to work up to either make an incremental increase to either the number of reps or the size of the deadweight over the next month. Chart your progress somewhere you can see it; if you can see that you are making quantifiable progress on one facet of your life, it may increase the amount of control you perceive in other aspects of your life.
I was/am in a somewhat similar situation except I would not get stressed as regular people, but cause my stomach acid to flare up which would trigger another anxiety related incident which in turn caused my stomach acid to flare up even more. This negative feedback loop pretty much made almost every day somewhat unpleasant.
To change this pattern, you need to change the way you think. The reason you are stressing out is because all your thoughts are centered around "what if?". Even when you are not actively thinking it, your brain and body maintains you in a "ready" state to deal with the perceived threat(s). In my situation I always managed to imagine myself doing something horrible or very unpleasant (in my case throwing up). This notion of throwing up all the time made me unable to focus on anything else and kept the feedback loop intact. To change this, I needed to challenge the negative thoughts when they appeared and ask myself why I think of this. This method may or may not work depending on how strong your anxiety is. However, the most important thing you do after you have challenged your thoughts is to replace them with more realistic/happy ones. So your car makes a rattle noise - that's just a screw loose in the radio compartment, nothing to fret apart (instead of thinking that one of your tires are gonna fall off).
This process can happen fast or it can happen slow. It took me 1.5 years before I managed to break the negative feedback loop cycle, but I did not see a therapist until 1.4 years after. That is also another important step when talking about a lack of perceived control and the wish for more control - sometimes, things are just out of your hand and you need help to deal with it. That act, in and of itself, is on the right step to getting better.
I think you kinda hit the nail on the head yourself. It takes time, but maintaining calm during stressful situations is something I've found you just have to work at.
A few things that have helped me:
If you're stressing about a task that seems insurmountable, break it up into realistic chunks. When it comes to work, make your lunch a reward for after you've completed certain parts and use that time to both eat and just enjoy yourself. Bring in something to read or a portable to play to fill your lunch hour rather than either stewing about work or getting right back to it because there's too much to do.
Know how you'd deal with a situation if it were to come up. Instead of worrying about the expense, think of what you'll do about the car if it does need a repair. Do you have an emergency fund, or even an emergency use credit card that you could use to maintain it if need be?
As for other people's reactions, there aren't many things you can do to change how someone will feel about bad news, but as long as you approach it with a mind towards fixing the problem most people would be pretty understanding. Try to think of mistakes as learning experiences. Everyone screws up, there's no point dwelling on the mistakes that you personally make except to learn from them and move on.
But like you said, all of this will start off as something you have to try consciously to do and eventually through training yourself out of it you'll be able to maintain your composure.
- So, if the car makes a noise, then you will look it up in google, if it's Something Awful, then you will take it to the reputable mechanic who (someone you trust) sees, if it's something expensive, then most mechanics have financing of some sort.
- If the hot water heater breaks, then you will call the Home Warranty company (I kept my home warranty for this very reason, by the way). The WHC will call a plumber, who will come fix the problem. If the part isn't covered, then the plumber may have financing of some sort.
Getting divorced and finding out my ex-husband had screwed up our taxes several years in a row and that I was responsible for handling the IRS knocked a lot of the panic right out of me. I deliberately got an apartment 3 blocks from home, across the street from a grocery store and pharmacy and had most of the ugliness answered right off the bat. Now I play the "what would you do in the event of the zombie apocalypse" game for giggles.
That's a bit extreme, though. Counseling also helps.
This so much.
I used to (and still do honestly) stress about soo much stuff, and were behaving in much the same manner.
The two things that helped me the most (and I'm not a new agey, metaphysical person at all) are exercising and meditation.
Exercise because it is really hard to be stressed out if you are exhausted, and its a good "zone-out" activity. Just to be mindless for a little while really helps.
And afterwards, taking about 10 minutes to just close your eyes, and concentrate on a four count breath in, hold for a second and four count breathe out. I usually picture a glass of water with a lot of sediment just having been stirred. As I relax, the sediment settles at the bottom. Honestly the world looks more vivid after you open your eyes.
To use the car example, before I got some control of this my reaction would be along the lines of:
"Oh crap! What am I going to do? I need my car to get to work, how am I going to get to work without my car, what is wrong with my car, how am I going to pay for this, etc."
Now my reaction is (and this is a recent example because my car is having problems):
"OK, something is wrong with my car. There's only 4 possible outcomes here:
1. It's nothing, no issue.
2. It's minor and I will fix it.
3. It's slightly more than minor and one of my "car" buddies can help me fix it.
4. I have to go to a mechanic."
Realizing that there are a manageable number of outcomes allows me to further handle the problem. Say if I have to go to the mechanic, there's the issue of having a day to do it and how to pay for it and how to get to work if it's down for awhile. But, knowing the initial 4 outcomes helps me keep the whole problem under control and in manageable pieces.
tl;dr: Actively train yourself to go from: "Problem > Panic > Solution" to: "Problem > Solution".
Rich Cook.
PSN ID - WildSpoon