So i'm going to be meeting that same girl I talked about a while back sometime next week.
It's very bizarre, because every time we meet up things go extremely well; she's very into me, has made that clear and she tells me time goes by so fast when she's around me, but she's also dating someone else and seems pretty content with it as well. She's been dating this dude on and off for a while. She did say that the guy wants to settle down more and she doesn't want any of that right now, so there's also that.
I don't want to be the rebound guy or anything, but man this would be a lot of fun if it worked out. I guess I shouldn't expect too much, just be myself and stop trying to control things. Whatever happens happens.
It's not so bad to be the rebound, as long as both of you know you're the rebound and neither of you take it too seriously. But if you know you aren't interested in that, then you should probably shoot this girl down now. It's not worth it to let it go to long and end up with one of you (probably you, since you don't want to be a rebound) getting hurt.
Also Joker, I literally just opened your profile and I noticed the first sentence says "I like to life life" when I think you mean "live". I'll try to do a better review later when I have more time.
I don't mind per se, it's just I have a feeling that I should have a bit more respect for myself. Right now it's not killing me that I don't see her or anything like that, so i'm not in a rush.
I've already seen it happen a couple of times already where the guy is just friendly towards the girl with the BF, and then if things don't work out she ends up dating said guy later without any complications. If that happens i'd be all for it, but I think it's better to casually flirt/be friendly and keep her on the backburner in a sense, either till she dumps her BF or something better comes along my way.
Right now I have to steer clear of the dating scene cause of school/work, so I think i'll go with this, but you're right, if it's bugging me later down the line i'll just be up-front about it towards her. Fortunately for me i've already had experience with this, so this isn't something I haven't tried before.
I've seriously stopped caring. I can talk to any girl in my department with no problem and have a decent conversation about whatever, but here I have to wait fucking forever to get a damn response. I'm not trying to stuff you in my closet and use your skin as a costume.
My focus has actually changed - The gym at my apartment has these two girls that are always there/show up when I'm there. I need to come up with any fucking thing to talk about to gauge whether or not I should delve further.
In other news - oh, hey, look! I got a response! Who knew that asking about your likes/dislikes or whatever would lead to a conversation :!:
So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
Is there some Oktrend about "chance of being messaged by a girl is inversely proportional to the distance from said girl?"
Because the ones 75 to 150 miles away are all over me (relatively speaking of course, this means like 4 hits).
The only "wink" I have received so far is from some girl in Hong Kong. Profile/person seems real enough (always being updated) but could still be spam.
Well in my case I'm sure it's partially to do with me living in the middle of a big city while these girls are off in the smaller towns so they have less to choose from locally. We're both looking in the city, it's just that it takes me 15 minutes to get somewhere and takes them 1.5 hours.
Anyway, apparently the kickball league is full (unless I can field an entire team), but there's another starting in a month so I'll be giving that a try.
So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
What's the timeframe? A day? A week?
I usually send just one and then forget about it unless I hear back, but I've only sent a message to, uh, 1 person I think. This time I've really been treating this more like an online resume, where you just post it and see if anything interesting comes back.
So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
This is what I plan to do: If my first message gets no response, move on. If we have a little chat and I she has not responded to my latest inquiry, I will wait a few days and talk about something else. If she doesn't respond then move on.
Might as well give it a second shot, it's the Internet and you'll never see that person in real life so if they reject your 2nd message then no big deal.
The thing I hate most about this is I don't really know when to successfully steer a conversation toward a meeting or phone number or Facebook exchange. I'm talking about rock climbing with one girl, discussing places nearby and gear, expenses, etc. I can't just naturally move onto another subject like you can in a real conversation, and I don't want to just be all "hey maybe this would be easier if I had your phone number" or something equally dorky.
So I messaged this girl on Saturday, she checked my profile on sunday but didn't answer. I was already forgetting about it but I noticed she checked it again today.
Should I try again?
is there something in the OP about repeat offense messaging? here comes a short rant. for the love of god, some people just don't answer. RAAAHHHHHHH. it doesn't matter. move on. there are more people!
Thats one thing I hate about Match. There is NO indicator on a profile that you have already messaged them. I'll be honest, after several months, I'll forget that I messaged someone if I never got a response back.
In other news - oh, hey, look! I got a response! Who knew that asking about your likes/dislikes or whatever would lead to a conversation :!:t.
I know, right?
Also, if anyone hasn't read OKCupid's post on what kind of messages are more likely to get responses, I highly recommend it. You can find it here.
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So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
...what... why.. I don't...
Seriously, why are you limiting yourself to ONE PERSON? Isn't that kind of the opposite of 'dating'?
I've sent like, who knows how many messages. Usually stupid witty crap about their profile that will either snag their attention or bore them; and considering my profile is fake and has no profiles of myself I'm surprised at the responses.
I have like 3 or 4 serious conversations in my inbox and IMs that pop out time to time. I'm truly feel like I'm being trolled here.
And also sad no one gave me any advice on previous page.
This time I've really been treating this more like an online resume, where you just post it and see if anything interesting comes back.
I'd imagine that the success rate for online resumes is the same as a dude posting a dating profile and then waiting: zero. I put my resume on some site several years ago. I got one reply from some scammer in Hong Kong or something.
Employers aren't browsing Monster dot com's resumes. When they have a vacancy they can't fill from contacts or sleazy employment agencies, they put an ad out.
Similarly, most women on these sites get bombarded with responses. The ones actively searching for dudes are the ones who don't put pictures on their profile (for a variety of reasons, but I think we know the main reason for this) or just random nuts who for whatever reason message dudes.
I had a profile with a drawing as my picture (until they took the picture down). Anyway, I got replies much to my surprise. A few people with no picture, random chicks saying "hi", a weird old Indian woman who said "It's nice to see that you're open to older women" (or something...this was because I didn't put a maximum age in my contact preferences), and some Chinese woman who "favourited" my profile for reasons that only she knows.
I talked to the Chinese woman for a while but nothing came of it. She basically suggested that we meet up, but I wasn't really up for it.
So now that I think of it, I guess people do reply. But I think it's just because it's London. From what I gather, smaller cities don't have nearly the success rate with this. You have to actively message, I would think.
I have my profile "hidden" now so I don't get messaged anymore. I can't bring myself to put a real picture up on a dating site for the masses to see. I don't know how anyone can do that. What if a co-worker or somebody saw it? And I've seen some profiles of women with fairly old children and they have pictures of them in lingerie and they're detailing their sexual proclivity. Again, don't these women have jobs? But the added issue is what if their children saw that profile? They'd be scarred for life.
I'll be honest, after several months, I'll forget that I messaged someone if I never got a response back.
Yeah, there should be feature to remove ads or mark them at least. I'm having to do that myself. Keeping a log of the women I messaged so I don't message them again. I only have one name on it thus far but when I start up again, it will be good to be able to do this with a sense of order.
if people want to post their messages in here, I would be willing to provide a female-perspective critique. it sounds like messages are the hold-up for people at this point.
and let me just say, there are certain types of messages that I get ad nauseum and here is what I think:
DON'T: The "you like sushi too? I like sushi!" message. Ok yes. A LOT of people like sushi. You like it, the guy who messaged me earlier likes it, and I had 3 guys message me about it last week. I'm sick of hearing about goddamn sushi.
DO: Talk about a trip you took where you loved/hated/got sick on the local sushi. Talk about an interesting sushi place nearby and say something more than "their food is good" - give me another detail, obviously if you're talking about this place the food is at least decent, what gives it the edge to make you bring it up? Basically, if you're going to pick "generic favorite #1074" to talk about, make it stick out.
DO: Pick really different likes that someone has, as your subject matter. Or, pick something that is tangentially related to one of her interests, that you think she may be interested in. Your goal, once again, is to stick out - so talk about something that she probably hasn't seen a million times already.
DON'T: Take yourself too seriously. I see a lot of guys message me without a single joke, exclamation point, or anything to make me smile in an entire 3+ paragraph message. That is boring, to me. It reminds me of the formality of work, and the last thing I want is for dating to be either formal or like work.
DO: Keep messages short and funny. ALWAYS try to include a joke.
DON'T: Be self-depreciating. (this is in the OP I think) Notice the spelling - this is different from deprecating, which I'll talk about in a minute. What I'm saying here is, don't talk shit about yourself. Don't say something stupid like "I know I'm not that good looking but..." DON'T DO THIS. I MEAN IT. You are only picking out flaws and pointing them out for her, when she may not have noticed or had a problem with it in the first place. This is basically you saying, "I'm telling you I kinda suck, and now that you know that, will you go out with me?" Every sane girl is going to say no. So don't do it.
DO: Be willing to laugh at yourself; be self-deprecating if the situation arises. Maybe tell a story where you did something kinda stupid but it was funny. If she teases you about, say, your grammar, be willing to laugh along with her, turn it into a joke, and never but never insult or degrade yourself. This is really the big difference between being confident but able to laugh at yourself, and just plain not having self-confidence.
So you want a story about an interesting trip one took; sarcastic comments about one's self; various anecdotes; one's likes, dislikes, aspirations, et cetera; emoticons; and liberal use of exclamatory sentences? AND you want it short?
Well, which one? You can't do all of that in four sentences.
If they like your picture, you'll get a response. If they don't, you won't. That's how it works. You can write complete shit and if they like your picture, they'll reply.
If you write something brilliant there's a chance that it might tip things into your favour in terms of getting a reply, but it's negligible. So negligible that we can discount it entirely.
I recommend writing three sentences. One sentence referencing something in her profile (to show that you read it), one sentence about yourself, and a third sentence for something witty and/or exciting. That's it.
If you write something long, you're just wasting your time and looking desperate/obsessive/stalker-like. Decisions are made on the photo, after all. So don't expend all your creative juices on somebody who very well may not reply. That just makes you look sad.
Also don't write "hi". That looks like spam that you're sending to hundreds of random people and in all likelihood that's probably the case.
So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
...what... why.. I don't...
Seriously, why are you limiting yourself to ONE PERSON? Isn't that kind of the opposite of 'dating'?
(
Some people don't know how to "date".
Take myself for example.
I'm a one girl at a time sort of guy. I would focus on one person until I knew that she didn't have any interest, and then move on. I still do this, normally.
Recently, I have been trying the whole "look for/talk to/date more than one girl at a time" thing. I have found it to be exceedingly complicated and stressful.
Questions occur, such as: What if more than one of them wants a relationship? What if I accept one offer but not the other, but change my mind later? Should I keep the fact that I'm dating more than one person at a time a secret? When is the appropriate time to stop talking to the other girls if I pick one? How should one go about doing that without hurting them?
And on and on. Honestly I don't know how a person is supposed to keep a cool head with all of that rolling around in their mind. Dating one person at a time is slower, but it seems to me that its a much more *sane* route.
So you want a story about an interesting trip one took; sarcastic comments about one's self; various anecdotes; one's likes, dislikes, aspirations, et cetera; emoticons; and liberal use of exclamations. AND you want it short?
Obviously, I could never recommend a variety of subject matter they could do. /sarcasm off
I made a large number of suggestions about potential message content so people could pick and choose and tailor their content based on the girl. This is quite possibly the stupidest response I could have expected to my post. You either deliberately or accidentally missed the point as much as physically possible - congratulations!
So you want a story about an interesting trip one took; sarcastic comments about one's self; various anecdotes; one's likes, dislikes, aspirations, et cetera; emoticons; and liberal use of exclamatory sentences? AND you want it short?
Well, which one? You can't do all of that in four sentences.
If they like your picture, you'll get a response. If they don't, you won't. That's how it works. You can write complete shit and if they like your picture, they'll reply.
If you write something brilliant there's a chance that it might tip things into your favour in terms of getting a reply, but it's negligible. So negligible that we can discount it entirely.
I recommend writing three sentences. One sentence referencing something in her profile (to show that you read it), one sentence about yourself, and a third sentence for something witty and/or exciting. That's it.
If you write something long, you're just wasting your time and looking desperate/obsessive/stalker-like. Decisions are made on the photo, after all. So don't expend all your creative juices on somebody who very well may not reply. That just makes you look sad.
Also don't write "hi". That looks like spam that you're sending to hundreds of random people and in all likelihood that's probably the case.
So yeah, my protip is three sentences.
If you actually believe all of this, you're in for some disappointment.
Let's just say that this post is full of so much wrong that I don't even know where to begin pointing out how wrong you are.
This time I've really been treating this more like an online resume, where you just post it and see if anything interesting comes back.
I'd imagine that the success rate for online resumes is the same as a dude posting a dating profile and then waiting: zero. I put my resume on some site several years ago. I got one reply from some scammer in Hong Kong or something.
I suppose it's fortunate I don't live in your imagination then, as I've had employers contact me based on my online resume and women contact me based on my dating profile.
I recognize it's a low-risk low-reward system, so I don't really get discouraged if I'm not getting hundreds of messagesa day because I don't expect that. I also don't expect hundreds of high paying job offers from fortune 500 companies because I post my I posted my resume online.
What I do get is the opportunity to view and be viewed by people outside of the areas I spend 95% of my time (work, gym, apt complex, grocery store, local bar). Maybe they contact me, maybe I contact them, maybe nothing happens. On the off chance no one messages me and no one I message ever replies it just means that I don't meet people that I would never meet in my normal life anyway. The horror! The upside is that I have a profile that is always potentially working for me while I doing otherthings like working, sleeeping, watching tv etc. For free. While I can also pursue other means of meeting women at the same time if I so choose.
The point of all this was to provide an alternative perspective for some of the people who seem to be getting down about not getting replies. I suppose instead I could continually retell the same story about meeting unattractive women outside train stations and then use these ancedotes to not-so-subtly imply that everyone who uses internet dating must be some combination of ugly/crazy/desparate, but that doesn't really seem very helpful in the internet dating thread.
What I do get is the opportunity to view and be viewed by people outside of the areas I spend 95% of my time (work, gym, apt complex, grocery store, local bar). Maybe they contact me, maybe I contact them, maybe nothing happens. On the off chance no one messages me and no one I message ever replies it just means that I don't meet people that I would never meet in my normal life anyway. The horror! The upside is that I have a profile that is always potentially working for me while I doing otherthings like working, sleeeping, watching tv etc. For free. While I can also pursue other means of meeting women at the same time if I so choose.
I definitely agree, internet dating should be viewed as a supplement to in-person interaction and attempting to meet people that way, not a replacement.
I think the biggest problem I have with my messages is that only a few people get/enjoy my sense of humour...which means I more than likely come off as creepy or simply not funny to most of the girls.
I try to be myself without being _too_ much like myself just yet, for I wait for the date for that. Not that I am creepy (I hope?), it is just my humour is very sarcastic and that can be hard to judge online.
Other than the first message, I think my main problem in my further responses is the length of the messages. It is pretty easy to get to 1 page if a lot of questions have been asked or if I try to tell a story regarding an experience; when it feels that asking out does not yet feel right. I will say it was nice when one of the girls not only responded to a long response of mine (think it was 4400 characters?), her reply was even longer! hehe
Finally, I do have to ask regarding something that was brought up 3-4 pages ago about chemistry on a first date. I guess my question is, how to show it? Obviously I want to show something, but at the same time this is usually the first time we've met so I can see doing too much would make people uncomfortable (myself included).
What I've found is that the first coffee/meet up date usually extends further (as in we may go to dinner afterwards) which is a good sign for both, but how does one show interest without coming on too strong? Am I simply supposed to try things and see the reaction? Of course, knowing me I'm probably missing any clues to begin with since I'm usually having a good time and I get the impression they are too...I am just not comfortable really doing much more just yet.
I always try to end the first date with a hug, since I find that to be a good middle ground and I like hugs...
If you actually believe all of this, you're in for some disappointment.
Let's just say that this post is full of so much wrong that I don't even know where to begin pointing out how wrong you are.
I think my assessment is pretty accurate and I pretty well follow it myself.
If somebody sends a message or has a profile full of spelling mistakes and idiotic remarks, I don't dismiss them (as long as the photo is good). Of course, most of the people I message have English as a second language so you have to give wider leeway in that case. I suppose I am less tolerant of native speakers with spelling errors and the like. But still, unless it was really egregious, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
On the other hand, I've read some interesting profiles but the photo didn't toss my salad. So that was that.
Deal breakers for me:
Children
Long lists of what they're looking for
"I'm a hot babe so you better be a hot stud"
"Clubbing" as an interest
Any sort of active, outdoorsy interest
Pictures where they're wearing a kooky hat
Transexuals
The hat thing seems overboard I will admit, so is the inclusion of "Any sort of active, outdoorsy interest." which makes it sound like a black and white idea rather than shades of gray (ie: I play soccer with friends every few weeks vs I'm a pro athelete and recently won the world cup.).
Although I'm unsure if I'd take these responses differently coming from someone else.
If you actually believe all of this, you're in for some disappointment.
Let's just say that this post is full of so much wrong that I don't even know where to begin pointing out how wrong you are.
I think my assessment is pretty accurate and I pretty well follow it myself.
If somebody sends a message or has a profile full of spelling mistakes and idiotic remarks, I don't dismiss them (as long as the photo is good). Of course, most of the people I message have English as a second language so you have to give wider leeway in that case. I suppose I am less tolerant of native speakers with spelling errors and the like. But still, unless it was really egregious, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
On the other hand, I've read some interesting profiles but the photo didn't toss my salad. So that was that.
Deal breakers for me:
Children
Long lists of what they're looking for
"I'm a hot babe so you better be a hot stud"
"Clubbing" as an interest
Any sort of active, outdoorsy interest
Pictures where they're wearing a kooky hat
Transexuals
Your last two posts have told us what to do if we want LearnedHand to message us on a dating site.
What most people in this thread are looking for is what to do if they want women to message them on a dating site.
Children
Long lists of what they're looking for
"I'm a hot babe so you better be a hot stud"
"Clubbing" as an interest Any sort of active, outdoorsy interest
Pictures where they're wearing a kooky hat
Transexuals
I'm just going to ignore everything else you've said, and bring up the bolded area.
...It's a dealbreaker if the woman likes hiking, or being active?
Some people enjoy it, of course. But it's not for me. Same with the outdoor activities. I'm not an active sort of guy. I'm not knocking these things. But anyone who wants to go clubbing and play tennis, et cetera isn't what I'm looking for. There's a compatibility issue there so I steer clear.
That list was just of things I don't enjoy, as Spawnbroker said. Some people like transexuals and single mothers and would like to date them. It's no problem. Different strokes for different folks. I wasn't saying they're bad things.
Posts
Actual serial killers get lots of womerns, but I shouldnt have to kill someone to get laid.
Well chloroform is a wonderful aphrodisiac
I don't mind per se, it's just I have a feeling that I should have a bit more respect for myself. Right now it's not killing me that I don't see her or anything like that, so i'm not in a rush.
I've already seen it happen a couple of times already where the guy is just friendly towards the girl with the BF, and then if things don't work out she ends up dating said guy later without any complications. If that happens i'd be all for it, but I think it's better to casually flirt/be friendly and keep her on the backburner in a sense, either till she dumps her BF or something better comes along my way.
Right now I have to steer clear of the dating scene cause of school/work, so I think i'll go with this, but you're right, if it's bugging me later down the line i'll just be up-front about it towards her. Fortunately for me i've already had experience with this, so this isn't something I haven't tried before.
Pellaeon is on the right track here...
>.>
Because the ones 75 to 150 miles away are all over me (relatively speaking of course, this means like 4 hits).
My focus has actually changed - The gym at my apartment has these two girls that are always there/show up when I'm there. I need to come up with any fucking thing to talk about to gauge whether or not I should delve further.
In other news - oh, hey, look! I got a response! Who knew that asking about your likes/dislikes or whatever would lead to a conversation :!:
So, I'm curious - if I message and no response; do I move on? Considering the variables, I don't know if it means I failed or she forgot.
The only "wink" I have received so far is from some girl in Hong Kong. Profile/person seems real enough (always being updated) but could still be spam.
Either way your correlation is correct so far.
oh! no. i was commenting on a joke that was a post or two above me in the thread, haha.
Anyway, apparently the kickball league is full (unless I can field an entire team), but there's another starting in a month so I'll be giving that a try.
What's the timeframe? A day? A week?
I usually send just one and then forget about it unless I hear back, but I've only sent a message to, uh, 1 person I think. This time I've really been treating this more like an online resume, where you just post it and see if anything interesting comes back.
This is what I plan to do: If my first message gets no response, move on. If we have a little chat and I she has not responded to my latest inquiry, I will wait a few days and talk about something else. If she doesn't respond then move on.
Might as well give it a second shot, it's the Internet and you'll never see that person in real life so if they reject your 2nd message then no big deal.
The thing I hate most about this is I don't really know when to successfully steer a conversation toward a meeting or phone number or Facebook exchange. I'm talking about rock climbing with one girl, discussing places nearby and gear, expenses, etc. I can't just naturally move onto another subject like you can in a real conversation, and I don't want to just be all "hey maybe this would be easier if I had your phone number" or something equally dorky.
Should I try again?
Totally stealing that and putting it into my profile.
On that note, critique other than 'Moar pics' ?
http://www.plentyoffish.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=21150857
I know, right?
Also, if anyone hasn't read OKCupid's post on what kind of messages are more likely to get responses, I highly recommend it. You can find it here.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
...what... why.. I don't...
Seriously, why are you limiting yourself to ONE PERSON? Isn't that kind of the opposite of 'dating'?
I've sent like, who knows how many messages. Usually stupid witty crap about their profile that will either snag their attention or bore them; and considering my profile is fake and has no profiles of myself I'm surprised at the responses.
I have like 3 or 4 serious conversations in my inbox and IMs that pop out time to time. I'm truly feel like I'm being trolled here.
And also sad no one gave me any advice on previous page.
I'd imagine that the success rate for online resumes is the same as a dude posting a dating profile and then waiting: zero. I put my resume on some site several years ago. I got one reply from some scammer in Hong Kong or something.
Employers aren't browsing Monster dot com's resumes. When they have a vacancy they can't fill from contacts or sleazy employment agencies, they put an ad out.
Similarly, most women on these sites get bombarded with responses. The ones actively searching for dudes are the ones who don't put pictures on their profile (for a variety of reasons, but I think we know the main reason for this) or just random nuts who for whatever reason message dudes.
I had a profile with a drawing as my picture (until they took the picture down). Anyway, I got replies much to my surprise. A few people with no picture, random chicks saying "hi", a weird old Indian woman who said "It's nice to see that you're open to older women" (or something...this was because I didn't put a maximum age in my contact preferences), and some Chinese woman who "favourited" my profile for reasons that only she knows.
I talked to the Chinese woman for a while but nothing came of it. She basically suggested that we meet up, but I wasn't really up for it.
So now that I think of it, I guess people do reply. But I think it's just because it's London. From what I gather, smaller cities don't have nearly the success rate with this. You have to actively message, I would think.
I have my profile "hidden" now so I don't get messaged anymore. I can't bring myself to put a real picture up on a dating site for the masses to see. I don't know how anyone can do that. What if a co-worker or somebody saw it? And I've seen some profiles of women with fairly old children and they have pictures of them in lingerie and they're detailing their sexual proclivity. Again, don't these women have jobs? But the added issue is what if their children saw that profile? They'd be scarred for life.
Yeah, there should be feature to remove ads or mark them at least. I'm having to do that myself. Keeping a log of the women I messaged so I don't message them again. I only have one name on it thus far but when I start up again, it will be good to be able to do this with a sense of order.
Glad to see that it's more common than I thought.
and let me just say, there are certain types of messages that I get ad nauseum and here is what I think:
DON'T: The "you like sushi too? I like sushi!" message. Ok yes. A LOT of people like sushi. You like it, the guy who messaged me earlier likes it, and I had 3 guys message me about it last week. I'm sick of hearing about goddamn sushi.
DO: Talk about a trip you took where you loved/hated/got sick on the local sushi. Talk about an interesting sushi place nearby and say something more than "their food is good" - give me another detail, obviously if you're talking about this place the food is at least decent, what gives it the edge to make you bring it up? Basically, if you're going to pick "generic favorite #1074" to talk about, make it stick out.
DO: Pick really different likes that someone has, as your subject matter. Or, pick something that is tangentially related to one of her interests, that you think she may be interested in. Your goal, once again, is to stick out - so talk about something that she probably hasn't seen a million times already.
DON'T: Take yourself too seriously. I see a lot of guys message me without a single joke, exclamation point, or anything to make me smile in an entire 3+ paragraph message. That is boring, to me. It reminds me of the formality of work, and the last thing I want is for dating to be either formal or like work.
DO: Keep messages short and funny. ALWAYS try to include a joke.
DON'T: Be self-depreciating. (this is in the OP I think) Notice the spelling - this is different from deprecating, which I'll talk about in a minute. What I'm saying here is, don't talk shit about yourself. Don't say something stupid like "I know I'm not that good looking but..." DON'T DO THIS. I MEAN IT. You are only picking out flaws and pointing them out for her, when she may not have noticed or had a problem with it in the first place. This is basically you saying, "I'm telling you I kinda suck, and now that you know that, will you go out with me?" Every sane girl is going to say no. So don't do it.
DO: Be willing to laugh at yourself; be self-deprecating if the situation arises. Maybe tell a story where you did something kinda stupid but it was funny. If she teases you about, say, your grammar, be willing to laugh along with her, turn it into a joke, and never but never insult or degrade yourself. This is really the big difference between being confident but able to laugh at yourself, and just plain not having self-confidence.
Well, which one? You can't do all of that in four sentences.
If they like your picture, you'll get a response. If they don't, you won't. That's how it works. You can write complete shit and if they like your picture, they'll reply.
If you write something brilliant there's a chance that it might tip things into your favour in terms of getting a reply, but it's negligible. So negligible that we can discount it entirely.
I recommend writing three sentences. One sentence referencing something in her profile (to show that you read it), one sentence about yourself, and a third sentence for something witty and/or exciting. That's it.
If you write something long, you're just wasting your time and looking desperate/obsessive/stalker-like. Decisions are made on the photo, after all. So don't expend all your creative juices on somebody who very well may not reply. That just makes you look sad.
Also don't write "hi". That looks like spam that you're sending to hundreds of random people and in all likelihood that's probably the case.
So yeah, my protip is three sentences.
Some people don't know how to "date".
Take myself for example.
I'm a one girl at a time sort of guy. I would focus on one person until I knew that she didn't have any interest, and then move on. I still do this, normally.
Recently, I have been trying the whole "look for/talk to/date more than one girl at a time" thing. I have found it to be exceedingly complicated and stressful.
Questions occur, such as: What if more than one of them wants a relationship? What if I accept one offer but not the other, but change my mind later? Should I keep the fact that I'm dating more than one person at a time a secret? When is the appropriate time to stop talking to the other girls if I pick one? How should one go about doing that without hurting them?
And on and on. Honestly I don't know how a person is supposed to keep a cool head with all of that rolling around in their mind. Dating one person at a time is slower, but it seems to me that its a much more *sane* route.
I made a large number of suggestions about potential message content so people could pick and choose and tailor their content based on the girl. This is quite possibly the stupidest response I could have expected to my post. You either deliberately or accidentally missed the point as much as physically possible - congratulations!
(^^ there ya go, 3 sentences or less!)
I don't even know where you guys got the impression that I'm only messaging ONE girl...I never said that.
Also, Spacemilk hit it pretty well.
If you actually believe all of this, you're in for some disappointment.
Let's just say that this post is full of so much wrong that I don't even know where to begin pointing out how wrong you are.
Ah, okay. Crisis averted.
Also, lol at the site recommendation - be an atheist.
I recognize it's a low-risk low-reward system, so I don't really get discouraged if I'm not getting hundreds of messagesa day because I don't expect that. I also don't expect hundreds of high paying job offers from fortune 500 companies because I post my I posted my resume online.
What I do get is the opportunity to view and be viewed by people outside of the areas I spend 95% of my time (work, gym, apt complex, grocery store, local bar). Maybe they contact me, maybe I contact them, maybe nothing happens. On the off chance no one messages me and no one I message ever replies it just means that I don't meet people that I would never meet in my normal life anyway. The horror! The upside is that I have a profile that is always potentially working for me while I doing otherthings like working, sleeeping, watching tv etc. For free. While I can also pursue other means of meeting women at the same time if I so choose.
The point of all this was to provide an alternative perspective for some of the people who seem to be getting down about not getting replies. I suppose instead I could continually retell the same story about meeting unattractive women outside train stations and then use these ancedotes to not-so-subtly imply that everyone who uses internet dating must be some combination of ugly/crazy/desparate, but that doesn't really seem very helpful in the internet dating thread.
I try to be myself without being _too_ much like myself just yet, for I wait for the date for that. Not that I am creepy (I hope?), it is just my humour is very sarcastic and that can be hard to judge online.
Other than the first message, I think my main problem in my further responses is the length of the messages. It is pretty easy to get to 1 page if a lot of questions have been asked or if I try to tell a story regarding an experience; when it feels that asking out does not yet feel right. I will say it was nice when one of the girls not only responded to a long response of mine (think it was 4400 characters?), her reply was even longer! hehe
Finally, I do have to ask regarding something that was brought up 3-4 pages ago about chemistry on a first date. I guess my question is, how to show it? Obviously I want to show something, but at the same time this is usually the first time we've met so I can see doing too much would make people uncomfortable (myself included).
What I've found is that the first coffee/meet up date usually extends further (as in we may go to dinner afterwards) which is a good sign for both, but how does one show interest without coming on too strong? Am I simply supposed to try things and see the reaction? Of course, knowing me I'm probably missing any clues to begin with since I'm usually having a good time and I get the impression they are too...I am just not comfortable really doing much more just yet.
I always try to end the first date with a hug, since I find that to be a good middle ground and I like hugs...
I think my assessment is pretty accurate and I pretty well follow it myself.
If somebody sends a message or has a profile full of spelling mistakes and idiotic remarks, I don't dismiss them (as long as the photo is good). Of course, most of the people I message have English as a second language so you have to give wider leeway in that case. I suppose I am less tolerant of native speakers with spelling errors and the like. But still, unless it was really egregious, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
On the other hand, I've read some interesting profiles but the photo didn't toss my salad. So that was that.
Deal breakers for me:
Children
Long lists of what they're looking for
"I'm a hot babe so you better be a hot stud"
"Clubbing" as an interest
Any sort of active, outdoorsy interest
Pictures where they're wearing a kooky hat
Transexuals
... which is to say that I appreciate a good silly hat pic.
Although I'm unsure if I'd take these responses differently coming from someone else.
Your last two posts have told us what to do if we want LearnedHand to message us on a dating site.
What most people in this thread are looking for is what to do if they want women to message them on a dating site.
These are two separate concepts.
I'm just going to ignore everything else you've said, and bring up the bolded area.
...It's a dealbreaker if the woman likes hiking, or being active?
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Some people enjoy it, of course. But it's not for me. Same with the outdoor activities. I'm not an active sort of guy. I'm not knocking these things. But anyone who wants to go clubbing and play tennis, et cetera isn't what I'm looking for. There's a compatibility issue there so I steer clear.
That list was just of things I don't enjoy, as Spawnbroker said. Some people like transexuals and single mothers and would like to date them. It's no problem. Different strokes for different folks. I wasn't saying they're bad things.