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Random Depression
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Registered User regular
So I don't know what to do, I just get hit with random bouts of depression.
It's about pretty much everything.
I hate my job with a passion. They love my work and I'm constantly praised, yet it doesn't translate to anything tangible for me. They've overlooked me at every opportunity and even now I'm giving instructions to superiors who really should know more about this stuff than I do. It's just very irritating.
I applied for a new job, but it's moving so slowly and I fear it'll be like last time and I'll go through the process only to be told they hired someone else. Despite me greatly exceeding both their minimum and recommended qualifications, having glowing recommendations from numerous sources and getting a near perfect score on their aptitude test.
Then I read depressing news stories and think what the hell is wrong with the world? Like that 17-year-old who strangled his 10-year-old brother, I read that I can't even comprehend it. I would die to protect my younger brother and can't understand how you can do that someone you love.
Then the rash of suicides of teens and young people. I'm gay and I know how hard it can be. I've been mocked, harassed. I want to say it gets better, but does it really? I'm lucky to have supportive parents, but even then I never know what I'm going to run into when I'm out. I don't go around advertising or anything, but because I'm thin, of average height and young looking people take it as an opportunity to attack me.
Then I read about stuff like a 5-year-old getting leukemia. How the fuck is that a just world? I know it's all just random and the universe couldn't give a rat's ass, but it's just I don't know.
I try to donate and give time to help people like the above. I know every little bit helps and that it's up to us an individuals to make the world a better place for others, but it just feels so futile. I try to work out, because I always want to look my best. I buy nice clothes. I try to be a nice person.
Uh, I just don't know. There's people worse off than me and I feel like what reason do I have to feel depressed? I could be in some third world hell hole, I could be sick, I could be jobless. And I try to read happier things, but it's just hard.
I don't know really what I'm looking for here. It's just been a really hard day and I feel rather alone.
It's about pretty much everything.
I hate my job with a passion. They love my work and I'm constantly praised, yet it doesn't translate to anything tangible for me. They've overlooked me at every opportunity and even now I'm giving instructions to superiors who really should know more about this stuff than I do. It's just very irritating.
I applied for a new job, but it's moving so slowly and I fear it'll be like last time and I'll go through the process only to be told they hired someone else. Despite me greatly exceeding both their minimum and recommended qualifications, having glowing recommendations from numerous sources and getting a near perfect score on their aptitude test.
Then I read depressing news stories and think what the hell is wrong with the world? Like that 17-year-old who strangled his 10-year-old brother, I read that I can't even comprehend it. I would die to protect my younger brother and can't understand how you can do that someone you love.
Then the rash of suicides of teens and young people. I'm gay and I know how hard it can be. I've been mocked, harassed. I want to say it gets better, but does it really? I'm lucky to have supportive parents, but even then I never know what I'm going to run into when I'm out. I don't go around advertising or anything, but because I'm thin, of average height and young looking people take it as an opportunity to attack me.
Then I read about stuff like a 5-year-old getting leukemia. How the fuck is that a just world? I know it's all just random and the universe couldn't give a rat's ass, but it's just I don't know.
I try to donate and give time to help people like the above. I know every little bit helps and that it's up to us an individuals to make the world a better place for others, but it just feels so futile. I try to work out, because I always want to look my best. I buy nice clothes. I try to be a nice person.
Uh, I just don't know. There's people worse off than me and I feel like what reason do I have to feel depressed? I could be in some third world hell hole, I could be sick, I could be jobless. And I try to read happier things, but it's just hard.
I don't know really what I'm looking for here. It's just been a really hard day and I feel rather alone.
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I mean, everyone gets depressed, but most people get depressed for maybe a week every year or every other year, and it generally doesnt interfere with their lives and they dont dwell on it. When i get depressed, i usually just dont do anything for a week or two and mope around, listen to the cure, watch some sad movies, and then im back to normal. But if youre consistently depressed (like every other week youre hating your life and the world), then it might be time to see someone about it.
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You probably have some issues surrounding your gayness, as well. Are you fully out? Does your family know? I know, that even when you're out, you can still carry a lot of internal homophobia, (this gets worse the later you come out in life). You can go to a therapist for that or start attending a local LGBT group (there is one in almost every area!).
Hope you get better! Don't ever be ashamed to get help.
Very well-put. I don't think I have much to add, so just take this x2.
Talking about it can help, so try to find places where you can do so safely.
I do see a psychiatrist. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and general anxiety disorder. I'm on lexapro.
I don't know I've always been like this. Even when I was really young, I'd just dwell on stuff and let it get me down. I took a semester off from college before because of this. It just gets overwhelming. Yesterday just was particularly bad. I'm just sick of being shit on.
Sorry.
Okay as a guy with depression a shrink generally tells you three things:
1) Physical Exercise! Endorphins all up in this bitch.
2) Mental Exercise! A shrink will give you some worksheets to work on.
3) Drugs! I see you're already taking some so that's fine.
The dwelling you speak of is called ruminating and its just a habit you need to break. Lord knows I do.
Sounds like you're focusing on this aspect of depression at the moment - that at its base it makes you think that all negative things are intentional and all positive things are flukes or by products of a negative action, rather than the other way around which is what most people think.
So regarding the job: how long have you been working there? Is it possible to start looking elsewhere? What's your job? Could you possibly fill out a portfolio of some recent work and get a couple of references together? Have you been overlooked at every opportunity or have you not really been literally putting yourself forward?
Keep in mind most people hate their jobs. :P It's just a part of life in our society that we have to put up with.
Ditto for the media, fear mongering pricks that most of them are. Just remember that they don't really ever report "Dad takes girl for the pony riding lessons she's always wanted - girl cries with happiness". And that happens a lot more than the fucked up murders that happen here and there.
It goes beyond simply not liking my job. I've worked jobs I didn't care for in the past, but this one is like an anchor around my neck. If I could quit and not wind up in the streets I would.
I've been on lexapro for I'd say around 3 years. I was on paxil and paxil cr before, which was awful. I probably need to get my dosage upped. And I really need to see about moving my appointment up.
My friends moved away and we lost touch over the years. My brother moved several hours away a couple of months ago. My coworkers are rarely in the same building together let alone room. It's just difficult. I try to put myself out there, but it's hard. Despite playing online games and having xbox live I rarely actually play online with others out of fear of screwing up.
Basically I read a lot or try to find something to captivate my mind. So long as I can focus on something else it's not so bad. Trying to sleep is probably the worst part, usually I take sleeping pills(which I really need to stop) because if I don't I'll end up not sleeping at all or not actually falling asleep until 3, 4 or 5 in the morning.
If news stories tend to upset you that much try staying away from them.
Losing friends happens to everyone. Few people keep high school or even uni friends for life. Do you have any hobbies that involve other people? If not maybe you could start one!
I've actually had my resume reviewed by a couple of different people that are supposed to make it more appealing. It's definitely better than when I first left school and I'm constantly revising it for each position I apply for (emphasizing different skills and accomplishments depending on the job).
I realize that for the most parts my fears and worries are irrational. I realize it's not my responsibility to worry about others to the point I do. I realize that I'm not going to be attacked every where I go (though I was harassed two weeks ago when I stopped in a McDonald's for lunch, stupid fuckers). Honestly, I can analyze my problems and see where I'm incorrect. The problem is realizing my reasoning and thinking is irrational doesn't stop me from dwelling on those problems.
I learned when I was young to just pretend I was happy and "normal" or be ostracized worse than I was. I thought after a while it would just happen. If I did everything "right" maybe I wouldn't be different. I should just be happy with what I have done, not what I could have done. It's just after a while I get beaten down.
It's hard to explain if you haven't been there, but it goes beyond mental pain and into the realm of physical pain. Your head hurts, you feel like you've been stabbed in the gut with a dull blade and like someone has reached inside of you and just squeezed your internal organs. You're tired but can't sleep. You're hungry but can't eat. You have a thousand thoughts swarming your head and you can't really concentrate on any of them. You'd do anything just to not feel that way. You know you're thinking and acting in a totally irrational way, but you're really not in total control or at least you don't feel that way.
I helped the police recover some evidence a couple of days ago, during my off time, which was pretty cool and helped me feel a little more useful. I got some good news about a new job.
My psychiatrist did send me a letter this week. I knew he was leaving his current practice, because he didn't think it was in the best interest of his patients. Now I can either follow him or I can make an appointment with a new doctor.
Of course his new practice doesn't accept insurance. My current insurance is craptacular and doesn't cover him anyways so no big loss there, but my hopefully new job has great insurance and benefits, so it would be nice not to have to pay out of pocket every time. I don't know, I guess I can try out the new guy and see how I like it and if I not I can go back to my old doctor.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I totally feel that way sometimes, exactly how you described (except for the eating - i just tend to eat and eat even though I'm not hungry when i'm like that), so you're not alone.
I have no idea what to tell you about all the awful stuff of the world. Even talking about politics with friends begins to throw me into that spiral of hopelessness. I've tended to just avoid it as much as I can and read purely fiction (and usually uplifting fantasy, at that....), but that might just make it worse when you're confronted with it again. <sigh>
But I've found that being less stressed in general has helped a WHOLE bunch. New job should be good (congrats, btw), and getting lots of sleep helps a bunch too. I've been on a regular sleep schedule (and i'm telling you, i need a lot of sleep) and I've been in a good situation in life for about a year now, and I haven't had a single depression spiral during that time. SO yeah, sleep, and put yourself in a good place.
Good luck!
Yeah, I just try to ignore politics as best I can. You can only take people acting and treating you like you're subhuman for so long; that you don't deserve to even share the same air let alone rights as them. My uncle died of AIDs when I was around 7. Fuck anyone who thinks he deserved that because of his lifestyle.
For me too trying to fall asleep is horrible. In college I used to both take sleeping pills and drink alcohol right before going to bed, but then I got a job at a sleepaway camp and I would have been fired for taking drugs or even having them in my room.
What worked for me was I got a bunch of CDs for progressive relaxation and self-hypnosis. There are a bunch on iTunes that you can listen to samples of, like some person telling you to relax all your muscles starting at your toes, or imagine your stress is being blown away by a gentle breeze or something like that. And then they play some calming music and basically just gets you to focus on your body and your breathing so you can clear your mind and fall asleep.
I've dealt with severe depression my whole life, I started taking anti-depressants when I was 11, and I'm an adult now and I still have depression, I still haven't found the perfect meds (though the ones I have help a lot), I still see a therapist every week and have days where I cry and can't get out of bed for no apparent reason. I'll probably be depressed for the rest of my life. But I also have awesome friends and a job I enjoy and a boyfriend I love. And because of them I make the effort to push myself through the tough times so that I'll be there for the moments that remind me why I want to live my life the best I can even if the depression never goes away completely.
I think a lot of people fall into the trap of thinking that if they find the right meds and see their therapist and exercise and and be more social then the depression will go away completely. And they try these things but the depression is still there, and then they feel worse because they blame themselves for not trying hard enough. Find the things that help you live your life to the fullest, but don't worry about things being perfect, since nobody is perfect anyway.
Yeah, I've mixed alcohol and sleeping pills before. I know it's extremely dangerous. It's not something I do often (I'm not a big drinker to begin with). But yeah, I've done it. On some nights it was the only thing that let me stop. I'm going to look in to the music. I've used TV shows before to do the essentially the same thing.
On the plus side, the interview went amazing. Honestly there is absolutely no way it could have gone better. Trying to keep myself grounded though, otherwise the crash could be horrific.
Also downloaded the first Discworld book to my Kindle, going to start reading it this weekend (I'm almost finished with the third Courtney Family book by Wilbur Smith, they're kind of interesting in an old school mysterious Africa, British naval way).
For what it's worth, just because the new office doesn't take insurance doesn't necessicarily mean your insurance won't pay. They might pay less, and you'll probably have to pay upfront and then submit it to your insurnace to get rembursed, but you can probably still get some money.
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
Turn off the news. Watch Daily Show/Colbert Report instead for all your news needs.
Watch comedy shows.
Get into martial arts. Also get into dancing.
Try changing your diet. (Check out the Blood Type Diet. Turns out sodas cause me to get depressed.)
Start dating. Do social things, fun things, around the area.
1) Get thee to a therapist. This should be step one. There is no shame in it. There is nothing wrong with listening to their advice, and taking a generic prozac or whatever they suggest has an absolutely minuscule chance of affecting you on a conscious level.
2) Go to your current boss and tell them how you are feeling. (gently) Let them know you aren't feeling challenged and that you feel overqualified for your current post and are ready for more responsibility. Know that this may not result in more pay, which you probably deserve if you actually get more responsibility. This brings me to:
3) Keep applying to jobs. Be not discouraged by rejection. The market sucks. You are not getting rejected because you're unqualified, or because you're horrible to work with. (necessarily) Most likely you are being rejected because someone even more overqualified has already applied. Just keep trying and if you don't get what you want out of your current employer, perhaps you can pick it up from another employer. And remember, smile; don't talk about how shitty your current employer is. Talk about how you want new challenges and new opportunities. Don't be afraid to talk about how you're looking for career advancement that provides you with a larger salary. Seriously, everyone understands that motive.
and finally
4) Stop listening to cable news horror stories. They make everyone anxious, and you don't need more anxiety. I suggest watching Home Movies, or perhaps Trailer Park Boys.
edit: btw, you're not abnormal, and if anyone in High School asks you, don't be afraid to tell that that it does get better.
It really does.
that doesn't just go for queers. Lots of people have trouble as adolescents and it really does get better when you decide to take control of your life and you have the ability to just get away from the people who are giving you trouble.
Make your own life. Everyone is happier when they self-determine, and you will feel good helping people in need understand this.
edit again: oh wait, you're queer too. Go watch some more It Gets Better Project videos. It made me feel better, too.
I'm hoping this new job will finally let me leave this place. If they interview went poorly, I don't think they would have given me their cell number or tell me not to worry if it takes 2 weeks before I get called back, they just have to run some checks.
Yeah, I try to watch those it gets better videos. I forget his name, but the guy who plays Mitch on Modern Family is probably the best (he's actually gay, the guy who plays the more flamboyant partner is straight, go figure).