Shit son, if I had a nickel for every girl I still really liked even though the timing was terrible, I'd have like, five nickels.
Which is less than I thought it would be really. Hunh.
I suppose what I'm getting at, is that it's the timing that stinks, not the girl, the girl is probably fucking awesome. But every girl comes with their own situation, and you know (or at least seem very convinced) that you're not going to be a part of that situation. And that's rough, bud. I will drink a beer in your name. Maybe two or three.
And at the end of those beers, I am sure I will think about girls. The endless sea of sweet, awesome girls, whom I am sure I would have adored, but couldn't be with or never met, or missed bumping into, or didn't talk to, who were dating my friends, who lived too far away, who had phone numbers written completely fucking illegibly on my body, and I will think to my myself while swirling the dregs of my drink and I will shrug, and down the rest in one go. And I will nod to my friends with a smile, I will tip, and then I will go home.
To my girl. Who is fucking awesome. And whose timing worked out perfectly.
I believe this is the end of the thread. You're my new hero, Sarcastro.
Shit son, if I had a nickel for every girl I still really liked even though the timing was terrible, I'd have like, five nickels.
Which is less than I thought it would be really. Hunh.
I suppose what I'm getting at, is that it's the timing that stinks, not the girl, the girl is probably fucking awesome. But every girl comes with their own situation, and you know (or at least seem very convinced) that you're not going to be a part of that situation. And that's rough, bud. I will drink a beer in your name. Maybe two or three.
And at the end of those beers, I am sure I will think about girls. The endless sea of sweet, awesome girls, whom I am sure I would have adored, but couldn't be with or never met, or missed bumping into, or didn't talk to, who were dating my friends, who lived too far away, who had phone numbers written completely fucking illegibly on my body, and I will think to my myself while swirling the dregs of my drink and I will shrug, and down the rest in one go. And I will nod to my friends with a smile, I will tip, and then I will go home.
To my girl. Who is fucking awesome. And whose timing worked out perfectly.
:^::^::^::^::^:
Druhim on
0
Options
OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
I disagree with the majority of posters in this thread. Maybe I'm a stupid romantic. I just think breaking up with someone because the timing's wrong is messed up.
People seem to feel and think that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and maybe they're right. Maybe it doesn't really matter how this or that relationship turns out; no matter what, after you move on, you'll find someone else who will be great for you, that you'll love just as much or more, that you'll be glad you had the opportunity to meet, an opportunity you would have missed if you had stayed with your long-distance relationship. Occasionally you hear about "the one who got away", but really, are there that many of those stories out there? Flat out, these situations may be hard on us, but we might be better if we choose to go through them.
Personally though, I tried to stick it out in all of my relationships. Some of them had to end, some of them even I ended. I met a girl who lived half a country away and after some time we moved to the same place, although it was decidedly inconvenient for me to do so. We'll be married four years by the end of January, she's less than a foot from me now watching TV, and our baby's due in May. I didn't break things off because I had to stop school for a while, or because I had to move away from my family and friends (we moved back and I'm close to them again). I think it's obvious that I feel like it was worth all the hassle (and awfulness, there's lots of that) of the long-distance relationship, even though things were uncertain at the start.
In short, I think that ending a relationship with someone because you're afraid you'll like them too much to leave them is just as silly as staying with someone even though being with them will be inconvenient. You're a fool if you do, you're a fool if you don't. Be honest with this girl and yourself and if you're both wanting to give things a shot, see if you legitimately love each other in a few months enough to stay together through some hard times. Maybe one day you, too, will be able to say that you didn't take the easy road and you wouldn't have it any other way.
I think it has more to do with him being very young and inexperienced as well as them only having dated a couple of months. I'm not criticizing the values you exhibit in your relationships, just pointing out that what worked for you isn't necessarily what works for most other people. What basis do they have for a long term relationship? She seems to appreciate him for who he is? They have fun together? Most of the women I've dated meet that criteria, but that doesn't mean any of them were worth settling down with.
So I get that you feel it's important to stick out a relationship, but I don't get that at all. To me that seems more like either a fear of being alone even if you're not getting what you really want from a relationship, or some bizarre sense of obligation to someone that you're just dating. In my book, the only thing you owe a boyfriend or girlfriend is respect and honesty (provided they do likewise). But you don't owe anyone a relationship. I feel quite strongly that if the relationship isn't what you want, you owe it to both of you to get out, move on, and just as importantly let her move on as well.
And I'm glad you've got a wife and a kid on the way, but as even you acknowledge you had your string of relationships leading up to your wife. The OP hasn't. That experience is a good thing. He'll learn not only about how to relate to a partner in a relationship in a healthy way, but about what he wants in a relationship to begin with.
Onwards and upwards son; in a few months time you won't even remember her. Move forward, never backward!
Seriously lad; the second you move in May you'll find yourself in a new environment, with a wealth of new talent to consider. In the meantime, go take exercise - put her out of your mind and prep yourself for the boundless opportunities that lie ahead! Yaharr, pirate noises!
While I agree with the consensus that the intelligent thing to do is probably just keep it broken off...it's your life. Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself if its worth it or if its something you really want to do. If it is, then damn what everyone else says, do what you want. Worst case scenario you waste a few years in a relationship that is dieing...sure it hurts, but you'll live...and be a lot smarter for it. Best case scenario: something awesome and/or unexpected happens and it's amazing.
That's what I love about relationships. Sure there are general guidelines to follow like "if s/he is crazy, gtfo" and stuff, but all relationships are unique and different. If you want to go crazy and see how it works: go crazy!
But again, the sensible thing to do is follow the advice...
RadicalTurnip on
0
Options
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
edited January 2011
Read Sarcastro's post, and then go watch How I Met Your Mother. And then reread Sarcastro's post and realize that he summed up the show in a couple paragraphs, because that's actually how life is, most of the time.
I have fought tooth-and-nail to keep relationships going, good and bad alike. I've tried to keep things alive when the timing was just wrong because the person was perfect. I've chased The One halfway across the country, which was futile because I wasn't his one, but not worthless because my experiences in that location and the experience of chasing itself really shaped me.
All of that, only to find the most wonderful man in the world, and the one I would marry, 20 minutes from my house because I was dragged by a friend to something I would never have otherwise attended. Because life is just like that.
From all that I can tell you that there is nothing harder to fight to keep a relationship alive than bad timing. It sucks, it's painful, and it's entirely uphill... and in the end, it almost never works out. Do what you think you need to do to make yourself happy, though, because that's how life happens.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Im glad to see some tide turn from "Rationally this doesn't make sense so you're completely right to end this garbage" to "This isn't very practical so the odds are against you, but I mean, love isn't practical so make up your own mind", which I think is a more fair outlook.
She might end up being a waste of time but in the end she may also end up being worth it. Your call.
I kinda know where you're coming from as I just had a relationship end.
I had a normal string of relationships throughout high school and college that for various reasons just didn't work out. Some of the girls were awesome, some of them not but in all cases I never developed strong feelings. There was respect and loyalty as Dru pointed out but never love. J was different though.
It was amazing, I'd never made such a strong connection with another person so fast and so total. We use to joke that it was hard to describe how long we had been dating since it seemed like we had known each other forever. We talked about everything, shared our hopes and dreams. For the first time I really opened up to a girlfriend and exposed the vulnerabilities I hid so well. When we finally said "I love you" to each other we laughed because it was so obvious. I was never more happy in my entire life.
We graduated and moved back home which was only 2 hours apart. I was only working part-time and she was jobless so we would travel weekly to visit each other. Things were still great but we were both nervous about our futures. She was gradually allowing the timeline for medschool applications to slip by and I was stalling on my own grad school apps as I decided what route to take. Her anxiety was intensified after she was arrested for a bullshit charge while intoxicated. She had troubles dealing with the stress and the expectations on her. All the while I stood with her stating that no matter what happened I would support her and her decisions. I loved her so much and wanted her to be happy again.
She finally broke on Halloween, giving me this nihilistic speech about love and existence and how pointless it all was. That she cared so much for me that it scared her but she didn't want me to throw my life away on her. She decided she needed a break; to deal with the arrest, her future, and to be alone for a little while. But not that we were broken up, just a break.
I was devastated, it was impossible to hear someone I cared about so much state that she didn't think she was capable of love. I wanted to help her fight this depression but was pushed to the sidelines to wait. I told her that if time was all she needed I would be waiting when she got back.
She didn't talk to me for over a month, not responding to any of the occasional brief emails or texts I sent to affirm my unwavering support. Finally she texted me about 1 month ago and ended it. It was incomprehensible and she offered no real answers as to why. Simply that she hated herself too much to be in a relationship.
That's when I found out the truth. She had cheated on me, multiple times during our relationship. I couldn't believe it, my friends, her friends, her family were shocked. There was only 1 person who was not surprised, her last serious boyfriend who she had also cheated on. She had this perfect innocent, sweet girl act that was so convincing she even believed it herself.
I had to gradually come to the realization that everything I believed had been a lie. That I was used by an emotionally weak girl that used people to get attention. Once she no longer needed them, she disposed of them. She was a bad person, a liar, a cheater, a succubus and I was better off without her.
And yet I still think everyday how much I miss her and what I would say to her if she ever tried to contact me. I know I could never trust her or really forgive her, but there is a part of me that desperately wants what we had back. When you miss someone, rational thought does not become a priority.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a person who you've only dated for 3 months is capable of delivering a lot surprises. The very fact that you broke up with her is probably evidence enough that you're both not capable of sustaining a long-term relationship together.
TLDR : Loneliness can make you crazy but don't second guess yourself, you broke up with her for a reason.
Quick story of my own:
Dated a girl for 1.5 years, we were moving to different states after graduation, I broke up with her because of all the reasons mentioned in this thread - I worried that long distance would break us up anyway. But after I thought about it, I realized that yeah, there was a good chance that the relationship wouldn't work over a long distance, but why not just let it fail when it had to? I was preemptively breaking up because I assumed we would later on. Which is silly. (we got back together and are still together)
If you want to be in a relationship with someone, be in one. If it won't work, it won't work, but just let it not work when the time comes. There's no need to over-rationalize these things.
Not to say OP should or shouldn't get back together with his ex gf, but I'm just saying that neither choice is right or wrong.
Posts
I believe this is the end of the thread. You're my new hero, Sarcastro.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
:^::^::^::^::^:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeZMIgheZro
People seem to feel and think that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and maybe they're right. Maybe it doesn't really matter how this or that relationship turns out; no matter what, after you move on, you'll find someone else who will be great for you, that you'll love just as much or more, that you'll be glad you had the opportunity to meet, an opportunity you would have missed if you had stayed with your long-distance relationship. Occasionally you hear about "the one who got away", but really, are there that many of those stories out there? Flat out, these situations may be hard on us, but we might be better if we choose to go through them.
Personally though, I tried to stick it out in all of my relationships. Some of them had to end, some of them even I ended. I met a girl who lived half a country away and after some time we moved to the same place, although it was decidedly inconvenient for me to do so. We'll be married four years by the end of January, she's less than a foot from me now watching TV, and our baby's due in May. I didn't break things off because I had to stop school for a while, or because I had to move away from my family and friends (we moved back and I'm close to them again). I think it's obvious that I feel like it was worth all the hassle (and awfulness, there's lots of that) of the long-distance relationship, even though things were uncertain at the start.
In short, I think that ending a relationship with someone because you're afraid you'll like them too much to leave them is just as silly as staying with someone even though being with them will be inconvenient. You're a fool if you do, you're a fool if you don't. Be honest with this girl and yourself and if you're both wanting to give things a shot, see if you legitimately love each other in a few months enough to stay together through some hard times. Maybe one day you, too, will be able to say that you didn't take the easy road and you wouldn't have it any other way.
So I get that you feel it's important to stick out a relationship, but I don't get that at all. To me that seems more like either a fear of being alone even if you're not getting what you really want from a relationship, or some bizarre sense of obligation to someone that you're just dating. In my book, the only thing you owe a boyfriend or girlfriend is respect and honesty (provided they do likewise). But you don't owe anyone a relationship. I feel quite strongly that if the relationship isn't what you want, you owe it to both of you to get out, move on, and just as importantly let her move on as well.
And I'm glad you've got a wife and a kid on the way, but as even you acknowledge you had your string of relationships leading up to your wife. The OP hasn't. That experience is a good thing. He'll learn not only about how to relate to a partner in a relationship in a healthy way, but about what he wants in a relationship to begin with.
Seriously lad; the second you move in May you'll find yourself in a new environment, with a wealth of new talent to consider. In the meantime, go take exercise - put her out of your mind and prep yourself for the boundless opportunities that lie ahead! Yaharr, pirate noises!
That's what I love about relationships. Sure there are general guidelines to follow like "if s/he is crazy, gtfo" and stuff, but all relationships are unique and different. If you want to go crazy and see how it works: go crazy!
But again, the sensible thing to do is follow the advice...
I have fought tooth-and-nail to keep relationships going, good and bad alike. I've tried to keep things alive when the timing was just wrong because the person was perfect. I've chased The One halfway across the country, which was futile because I wasn't his one, but not worthless because my experiences in that location and the experience of chasing itself really shaped me.
All of that, only to find the most wonderful man in the world, and the one I would marry, 20 minutes from my house because I was dragged by a friend to something I would never have otherwise attended. Because life is just like that.
From all that I can tell you that there is nothing harder to fight to keep a relationship alive than bad timing. It sucks, it's painful, and it's entirely uphill... and in the end, it almost never works out. Do what you think you need to do to make yourself happy, though, because that's how life happens.
She might end up being a waste of time but in the end she may also end up being worth it. Your call.
It was amazing, I'd never made such a strong connection with another person so fast and so total. We use to joke that it was hard to describe how long we had been dating since it seemed like we had known each other forever. We talked about everything, shared our hopes and dreams. For the first time I really opened up to a girlfriend and exposed the vulnerabilities I hid so well. When we finally said "I love you" to each other we laughed because it was so obvious. I was never more happy in my entire life.
We graduated and moved back home which was only 2 hours apart. I was only working part-time and she was jobless so we would travel weekly to visit each other. Things were still great but we were both nervous about our futures. She was gradually allowing the timeline for medschool applications to slip by and I was stalling on my own grad school apps as I decided what route to take. Her anxiety was intensified after she was arrested for a bullshit charge while intoxicated. She had troubles dealing with the stress and the expectations on her. All the while I stood with her stating that no matter what happened I would support her and her decisions. I loved her so much and wanted her to be happy again.
She finally broke on Halloween, giving me this nihilistic speech about love and existence and how pointless it all was. That she cared so much for me that it scared her but she didn't want me to throw my life away on her. She decided she needed a break; to deal with the arrest, her future, and to be alone for a little while. But not that we were broken up, just a break.
I was devastated, it was impossible to hear someone I cared about so much state that she didn't think she was capable of love. I wanted to help her fight this depression but was pushed to the sidelines to wait. I told her that if time was all she needed I would be waiting when she got back.
She didn't talk to me for over a month, not responding to any of the occasional brief emails or texts I sent to affirm my unwavering support. Finally she texted me about 1 month ago and ended it. It was incomprehensible and she offered no real answers as to why. Simply that she hated herself too much to be in a relationship.
That's when I found out the truth. She had cheated on me, multiple times during our relationship. I couldn't believe it, my friends, her friends, her family were shocked. There was only 1 person who was not surprised, her last serious boyfriend who she had also cheated on. She had this perfect innocent, sweet girl act that was so convincing she even believed it herself.
I had to gradually come to the realization that everything I believed had been a lie. That I was used by an emotionally weak girl that used people to get attention. Once she no longer needed them, she disposed of them. She was a bad person, a liar, a cheater, a succubus and I was better off without her.
And yet I still think everyday how much I miss her and what I would say to her if she ever tried to contact me. I know I could never trust her or really forgive her, but there is a part of me that desperately wants what we had back. When you miss someone, rational thought does not become a priority.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a person who you've only dated for 3 months is capable of delivering a lot surprises. The very fact that you broke up with her is probably evidence enough that you're both not capable of sustaining a long-term relationship together.
TLDR : Loneliness can make you crazy but don't second guess yourself, you broke up with her for a reason.
Dated a girl for 1.5 years, we were moving to different states after graduation, I broke up with her because of all the reasons mentioned in this thread - I worried that long distance would break us up anyway. But after I thought about it, I realized that yeah, there was a good chance that the relationship wouldn't work over a long distance, but why not just let it fail when it had to? I was preemptively breaking up because I assumed we would later on. Which is silly. (we got back together and are still together)
If you want to be in a relationship with someone, be in one. If it won't work, it won't work, but just let it not work when the time comes. There's no need to over-rationalize these things.
Not to say OP should or shouldn't get back together with his ex gf, but I'm just saying that neither choice is right or wrong.