Confrontation

Flay · January 2011

So I'm a pretty non-confrontational guy. I tend to back out of arguments pretty quickly, and give concessions way too easily. Dealing with my brother is a particular problem, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. Even when it comes to just asking someone else for something I can have a great deal of trouble.

So I'm looking for some advice as how can I learn to deal with confrontation better, and to be able to hold my own in an argument if necessary. Perhaps you have some books or resources to recommend; those are cool too.

Thanks!

RoyceSraphim · January 2011

Mentally, draw a line in the sand and move it forward in each confrontation. I dunno anything about you but I do know that in my life, by being non-confrontational, I missed opportunities where I was able to convince family that they were making mistakes.

It really hurts to be right when no one listens to you, but it hurts more when you didn't speak up in the first place.

Aldo · January 2011

My mom learned how to speak up by marrying to a dude who would not let her back out. Made her a lot happier in the long run.

You have opinions, you are an adult capable of forming rational thoughts and you have the mental capacity to see the difference between disagreeing with someone and hating them.

You can learn a lot about forming coherent arguments and articulating your opinion in a socially acceptable way by going to a debate club or having debates with people just for the fun of it. But the big step is coming to terms with the idea that disagreement is not a confrontation, but simply a disagreement you can talk about. It's totally OK to disagree with someone.

MichaelLC · January 2011

There's some people who just like to argue, an you're never going to win because they enjoy it. See Monty Python. Also some people will just dismiss/tune you out because you're a guy/girl, gay/straight, tall/short, etc. Experience will help you learn to spot these people and to avoid them.

Otherwise, having research on whatever the topic is good, and then just practice with debates like Aldo said on how to present the facts in a non-offensive way. To kill a saying, the best way to make friends is to ask lots of questions. By getting them to justify their end, they may talk themselves to your side.

Finnian · January 2011

There's a really good book called Codependent No More that helped myself and my sisters because we were all raised really submissive and not able to deal with any confrontation at all.

I know for myself that as a child I saw my father being aggresive/confrontational and I learned to withdraw/be anxious and I continue doing that same thing into adulthood because it's how I was taught to handle those situations. A bit of therapy would likely help.

For me I mentally changed to where I realize that "I want X, he wants Y" and I count myself as at least equal in that equation. I used to be hesitant to return broken things, speak up my wants/feelings, or ask people for things. Then I realize that I matter just as much as they do, I start with the "I want X" and I see if I can get it because I realize that I'll be better off with X and it's really on them to decide whether they want me to have X or not.

witch_ie · January 2011

One thing to keep in mind is that once you're an adult, pretty much no one else is going to make your arguments or stand up for you. If something is important to you, that's the time to practice, understanding that things will likely not go your way unless you do. It can also help to have an assertive friend coach you through it...not as it's actually happening, but after.

Sarcastro · January 2011

I started working in the complaints dept for this very reason. After a year or so of practice, I could hold my own with anyone.

Also, I dated a very confrontational girl once. She taught me that getting upset is okay, and often far better than just sitting there stewing on all the things you'd like to say but don't want to break the peace. By refusing to confront, quite often one is forced to make inch by inch consessions that just get out of hand. So bringing the hammer down on small things is required from time to time, even though you might feel like kind of a jerk for doing so. Made me quite a bit happier in the long run, and put a lot more depth into my relationships in general.

Blake T · January 2011

Having met Flay in person and see him avoid confrontation (then force him to anyway) I can say that from my personal experience it looks like you just don't like rocking the boat.

It's totally ok to do this. Many times people need to be told what to do because they just plain forget. Other times you need to tell people what to do because its just not fair to you. Not wanting to bother anyone is not a decent reasoning for not asserting yourself.

Al_wat · January 2011

The thing is too if you're worried about coming off as an asshole, you can be assertive while still being polite. Speaking up doesn't necessarily make you an asshole.

Blake T · January 2011

I mean personally, I dislike confrontation it's not fun. But I also recognize that it can be an effective tool. But it's just that, a tool. You don't need to confront everybody.

I mean some people don't want to confront people because they don't want to be that guy that confronts everybody. You don't have to be.

Flay · January 2011

Cheers for the advice guys, I'll do my best to apply it. And giving Codependent No More a look certainly couldn't hurt.

Blake T wrote: »

I mean personally, I dislike confrontation it's not fun. But I also recognize that it can be an effective tool. But it's just that, a tool. You don't need to confront everybody.

I mean some people don't want to confront people because they don't want to be that guy that confronts everybody. You don't have to be.

Yeah, but I'm pretty bad at confrontation in general, to the point where it can be a problem.

Fantasma · January 2011

Have you considered Martial Arts, a good training not only focuses on the body, but also the mind. The worst enemy of a warrior is fear.

bowen · January 2011

Can you give me examples Flay? We can tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and fight back all day, but I find giving you practical advice in certain situations might be a bit more helpful.

Avicus · February 2011

Yeah Flay! I've experienced this first hand Blake when we were about to leave for Sea World. Flay was hanging out at my car then Wimble comes barging over, swearing and angry and told Flay if he takes that front seat there is gonna be a brawl. Flay then just hops in the back to avoid a confrontation then Wimble decides that I shall drive himto McDonalds to get him a celebratory icecream (They had run out). The End

Flay · February 2011

Fantasma wrote: »

Have you considered Martial Arts, a good training not only focuses on the body, but also the mind. The worst enemy of a warrior is fear.

I'm actually going to start learning hapkido this thursday, coincidentally.

Avicus wrote: »

Yeah Flay! I've experienced this first hand Blake when we were about to leave for Sea World. Flay was hanging out at my car then Wimble comes barging over, swearing and angry and told Flay if he takes that front seat there is gonna be a brawl. Flay then just hops in the back to avoid a confrontation then Wimble decides that I shall drive himto McDonalds to get him a celebratory icecream (They had run out). The End

True story! Also choosing to hang behind everyone in the line on the same trip, 'cause I felt kinda bad about jumping in front of other people, even if it was only a few spaces and it hardly made a difference.

Avicus · February 2011

Flay wrote: »

Fantasma wrote: »

Have you considered Martial Arts, a good training not only focuses on the body, but also the mind. The worst enemy of a warrior is fear.

I'm actually going to start learning hapkido this thursday, coincidentally.

Avicus wrote: »

Yeah Flay! I've experienced this first hand Blake when we were about to leave for Sea World. Flay was hanging out at my car then Wimble comes barging over, swearing and angry and told Flay if he takes that front seat there is gonna be a brawl. Flay then just hops in the back to avoid a confrontation then Wimble decides that I shall drive himto McDonalds to get him a celebratory icecream (They had run out). The End

True story! Also choosing to hang behind everyone in the line on the same trip, 'cause I felt kinda bad about jumping in front of other people, even if it was only a few spaces and it hardly made a difference.

At least you got to look at some fine ass while in the line.

I used to be fairly shy and nonconfrontational around people I didn't know up until I was around 14/15. I also had bad social anxiety which didn't help. What did help was having an attitude change and realising, why should I care what random people think? This lead to me having greater self confidence which then lead to me expressing myself more. Now years later, I have learnt how to control social anxiety so well that it is nearly gone.

Its all about confidence in yourself and in the ideas you are trying to convey.

Flay · February 2011

Avicus wrote: »

Flay wrote: »

Fantasma wrote: »

Have you considered Martial Arts, a good training not only focuses on the body, but also the mind. The worst enemy of a warrior is fear.

I'm actually going to start learning hapkido this thursday, coincidentally.

Avicus wrote: »

Yeah Flay! I've experienced this first hand Blake when we were about to leave for Sea World. Flay was hanging out at my car then Wimble comes barging over, swearing and angry and told Flay if he takes that front seat there is gonna be a brawl. Flay then just hops in the back to avoid a confrontation then Wimble decides that I shall drive himto McDonalds to get him a celebratory icecream (They had run out). The End

True story! Also choosing to hang behind everyone in the line on the same trip, 'cause I felt kinda bad about jumping in front of other people, even if it was only a few spaces and it hardly made a difference.

At least you got to look at some fine ass while in the line.

I used to be fairly shy and nonconfrontational around people I didn't know up until I was around 14/15. I also had bad social anxiety which didn't help. What did help was having an attitude change and realising, why should I care what random people think? This lead to me having greater self confidence which then lead to me expressing myself more. Now years later, I have learnt how to control social anxiety so well that it is nearly gone.

Its all about confidence in yourself and in the ideas you are trying to convey.

I've also been diagnosed in the past with social anxiety, along with some other pretty significant mental health issues. At some points I've managed the whole 'not caring what others think' thing, but generally these are temporary periods, and pretty soon I go back to being hypersensitive about what others think. I'm better at managing anxiety than I used to be though, or at least I'm better at disguising it.

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