Family Trouble

F87F87 So Say We AllRegistered User regular
edited July 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
I posted this at another site, but I'm really looking for as much advice as possible. It's two days after these events and I still feel sick to my stomach.
snipped at user request

Thank you for any help.

ceres on

Posts

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited March 2011
    How old are you?

    Call the police again... actually go into the station if you need to and file a report. Your mother needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP to talk divorce.

    Don't go back there without a police escort. Nothing you own is worth it.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • darkmayodarkmayo Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    Yea its sad but it sounds like your dad is just a powder keg waiting to go off, make sure your mom is safe and see if you can get help for you dad, but its probably not a good idea to have anyone in your family live with him.

    darkmayo on
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    The cop said there wasn't anything he could do despite your busted windshields?

    drive on down to the station and ask them to send a real police officer.

    was the guy you talked to a local guy or state guy? Whichever he was, go for the other.

    sorry to hear about this.

    Xaquin on
  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    You need to stay safe. Xaquin and Ceres and everyone is spot on.

    In my darker days I once took a benzo early in the day, and by the time I began drinking later on had completely forgotten about it. I had the worst blackout I have ever had, and when I came to I found myself drunk as high hell amongst a completely trashed house. I had frightened my friends with my anger and violence so badly that my parents had driven two hours to make sure I was okay. That was a terrible night and was just a single pill that pushed it into a nightmare.

    I usually have a lot of sympathy for people who have addictions and do terrible things. In this case, I can't seem to find much sympathy for your father.

    Please stay safe.

    The Crowing One on
    3rddocbottom.jpg
  • F87F87 So Say We All Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    ceres wrote: »
    How old are you?

    Call the police again... actually go into the station if you need to and file a report. Your mother needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP to talk divorce.

    Don't go back there without a police escort. Nothing you own is worth it.

    I typed out a big reply to this, but the forums ate it.

    Mom has decided on divorce, because she told dad if he came at her kids, it would be over.

    My aunt (on dad's side) has been talking to him and he has been at work the last 2 days, sleeping in his RV.

    We came home because my brother really wanted to and needed to go to school today. Mom is at work and I honestly don't feel to safe here. But my car is too fucked to drive.
    The cop said there wasn't anything he could do despite your busted windshields?

    drive on down to the station and ask them to send a real police officer.

    was the guy you talked to a local guy or state guy? Whichever he was, go for the other.

    sorry to hear about this.

    The cop that came to us on the side road was the Sheriff of the county. They couldn't do anything because none of us where visibly injured. The car's title is in my dad's name and I had just got on the insurance policy for it. But it has been "my" car for a couple years now, just not legally. : \

    F87 on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited March 2011
    Ah. Yeah, if it's his car, there's not much in the way of rules against destroying property that's legally in your name. There won't be much you can do about that.

    But for the love of crap, don't stay there if you don't have to. You guys need to find some other way to get your brother to school until the house is safe, if that ever happens.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    F87 wrote: »
    The cop that came to us on the side road was the Sheriff of the county. They couldn't do anything because none of us where visibly injured. The car's title is in my dad's name and I had just got on the insurance policy for it. But it has been "my" car for a couple years now, just not legally. : \

    What about your personal stuff?

    I just can't comprehend a police officer saying there's nothing he can do in that situation =(

    Xaquin on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    He didn't witness the attack and there were no injuries so he has nothing he can arrest the guy for. The OP can still file a police report though to leave a paper trail.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • F87F87 So Say We All Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    Xaquin wrote: »
    F87 wrote: »
    The cop that came to us on the side road was the Sheriff of the county. They couldn't do anything because none of us where visibly injured. The car's title is in my dad's name and I had just got on the insurance policy for it. But it has been "my" car for a couple years now, just not legally. : \

    What about your personal stuff?

    I just can't comprehend a police officer saying there's nothing he can do in that situation =(

    Well, some of my mom's stuff on a side table was knocked over, but it's fine. A few holes in my brother's door, where the main bulk of the fight occurred. And of course my smashed glasses, which have been bent back to a wearable form but look goofy as fuck.

    He did "unplug" our computers because he hates them. And by unplug, he just ripped the power out. But miraculously they still work. I thought for sure they would be destroyed.

    All in all, I know we need to get away from him, but my younger brother is almost to the point of forgiving him, and it's killing me inside. I wish I could express properly how often this type of thing happens to him. I just know that if dad is forgiven and comes back home, things will be normal, maybe even better for the first couple of months.

    But I know, through experience, that it will slowly build up again and the next time it happens something seriously bad could happen.

    F87 on
  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    F87 wrote: »
    All in all, I know we need to get away from him, but my younger brother is almost to the point of forgiving him, and it's killing me inside. I wish I could express properly how often this type of thing happens to him. I just know that if dad is forgiven and comes back home, things will be normal, maybe even better for the first couple of months.

    Have you or your family members ever attended Al-Anon? If you're unfamiliar, they're a group that is a "sister" organization to AA for family and friends of those who have issues with drinking/addiction. It can be a very, very powerful and worthwhile experience.

    Forgiveness is never out of reach, but that doesn't preclude understanding and removing yourself from a dangerous situation. It is possible to forgive while also protecting yourself and your loved ones. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean acceptance. That's, mostly, aimed at your younger brother. Rationally understanding when people you love do terrible things does not preclude you from being a loved one.

    The Crowing One on
    3rddocbottom.jpg
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    F87 wrote: »
    Xaquin wrote: »
    F87 wrote: »
    The cop that came to us on the side road was the Sheriff of the county. They couldn't do anything because none of us where visibly injured. The car's title is in my dad's name and I had just got on the insurance policy for it. But it has been "my" car for a couple years now, just not legally. : \

    What about your personal stuff?

    I just can't comprehend a police officer saying there's nothing he can do in that situation =(

    Well, some of my mom's stuff on a side table was knocked over, but it's fine. A few holes in my brother's door, where the main bulk of the fight occurred. And of course my smashed glasses, which have been bent back to a wearable form but look goofy as fuck.

    He did "unplug" our computers because he hates them. And by unplug, he just ripped the power out. But miraculously they still work. I thought for sure they would be destroyed.

    All in all, I know we need to get away from him, but my younger brother is almost to the point of forgiving him, and it's killing me inside. I wish I could express properly how often this type of thing happens to him. I just know that if dad is forgiven and comes back home, things will be normal, maybe even better for the first couple of months.

    But I know, through experience, that it will slowly build up again and the next time it happens something seriously bad could happen.

    coming from experience, I can tell you the best thing to do is get away. It will suck for a good long while while everyone digests and frets over their personal what-ifs and maybes. In the end, everything will hinge on your Dad. He will either wake up and actually become your father, or he will continue on his present course and you will all realize it and lose less and less sleep over it.

    Xaquin on
  • F87F87 So Say We All Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    Thank you for all the advice guys. I really appreciate it.

    F87 on
  • Reverend_ChaosReverend_Chaos Suit Up! Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    Sorry to hear about this....

    I speak from experience, both my Dad, and myself have anger issues, so I have seen it from both sides. First, it sounds like he has some serious rage issues. The worst thing that you could do is get in a physical altercation with someone like that. Short term, you need to get away until he cools down, and talk to him once he's calm, assuming that he can calm down at this point. It sounds like he has a serious problem.

    Long term, same answer. Get away. At this point, I think you are beyond the short term answer and it's time to put some distance.

    I understand that he didn't "hit" anyone which is battery, but I am pretty sure that what he did would be considered assault. The law is open to interpretation, so it's the cop's perogative, but if he is looming over you, in a fit of rage and threatens to kill you, I am reasonalby sure that is assault. I would call the non-emergancy line and ask about filing a police report for damage and threats and whatnot. We are not talking about a he said she said incedent, there are three witnesses, not to mention the damage to property. I stress filing a police report because it starts a paper trail so that if you have further issues down the road. My opinion is file a police report and get a restraining order so he can't come to your house, Mom's work, Brother's school, etc.

    Best of luck, I hope you get it all sorted out.

    Reverend_Chaos on
    “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
  • ATIRageATIRage Registered User regular
    edited March 2011
    You did the absolute right thing by calling the cops. Domestic violence is the worst and, from personal experience, it can go from zero to 11 really fast, like it did here. Here is a list of advice for the future; I hope it helps:

    For yourself:
    Remember that you can't change people's minds no matter how much you love them and how sad you feel. If other members of your family start to reconsider their positions about your "Dad" then try hard to remind them about this event, and how likely it is to occur again, but if they remain intractable, don't continue to push. If you keep pushing once it is clear they won't move, they'll align against you, and that will really make things hard for you emotionally. Also remember that your safety is critical, if you don't feel safe, tell everyone it might be time to move (if that is a valid option). Finally, make sure you have someone close to you that you can talk to, or someone on call who can help you, JUST IN CASE you need to bug out. There were times when I was in a similar situation and I had a friend who was close to me who I confided in and was on standby for me, so that if anything went down, he could help me. It meant the world to know I wasn't alone, and also helped me feel safer.

    Now this part is going to be tricky but it is doable as a legal option against your "father": You can sue him for common law assault. This is NOT a criminal law issue and instead would be you suing your father for making you feel like bodily harm was going to occur as a result of his actions (A civil suit). It isn't glamorous but a civil suit is one way of trying to get your father to back off and let him know you are serious with the law and you'll use it to get him to knock it off. Depending on the items he has destroyed or damaged, you might be able to sue for property damage (Except for the car because he has title to the car) I am not sure what jurisdiction you are in, but it also may be possible to get a restraining order while the civil suit is being pursued (Thus forcing your father to leave). I know this might sound complicated so the best advice to help you with this is to contact ANY local law schools or the state bar association and see if they have people that help in domestic violence and civil suits, there is likely some kind of attorney willing to help you out on his/her free time (Or a law school clinic willing to help you).

    For your brother:
    This is just sad. But remember your brother is younger and emotionally less mature than you. That being the case, don't push him. The best thing is to keep a good relationship with your brother so that if something crazy happens again, he will come to your aid. Perhaps take him for a lunch or just a walk and talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. Your best bet is to just be a shoulder to lean on while this is all going on.

    Your mom:
    Talk to your mom and see if divorce is something she is committed to. If your mom is economically reliant on your "father" then it will be hard for her to leave the situation. Also, it sounds like your mother has been subject to lots of verbal abuse from your father and she may not have the emotional strength to resist your father. Talk to your mom about seeking help from a women's crisis center in your area. I know that might sound crazy but the truth is that this kind of situation is exactly what a crisis center is for, they generlaly give free counseling and aid to women who come from homes exactly like yours. This is the time for your and your mom to ally with one another, talk about what your mom is able to do, and plan for leaving, or plan for getting your "dad" out of there.

    Police:
    let me emphasize again, you did the right thing by filing a police report. If anything happens again, you can probably press charges for jail because you filed the prior report and there is a history of violence that the officers can cite to. Many jurisdictions have these kinds of policies, where unless physical damage occurs, the officers cannot do anything until a report is filed and there is a pattern of abuse. There isn't much else the officers can do at this point, and pray you don't have to call them again, but if they do make it clear that you want your "father" behind bars.

    I hope this helps man. This is a terrible situation for you and I hope it gets better. From the sounds of it, you have your head on straight, so just keep being careful.

    ATIRage on
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