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How Oniony: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User regular
edited June 2011 in Social Entropy++
From TheOnion:

Planned-Parenthood-Map-R.jpg
TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.

During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation's heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group's long-standing mission and values.

"Although we've traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood's new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it's going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."

If only this was true.

People really need to have scepticism taught to them from an early age
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Shanadeus on
«134

Posts

  • The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2011
    It is my personal opinion that an onion article doesn't need a thread unto itself.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
  • P10P10 An Idiot With Low IQ Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I'm shocked and appalled.

    P10 on
    Shameful pursuits and utterly stupid opinions
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    ps. the onion is incredible

    Beasteh on
  • MonkeyfeetMonkeyfeet Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Wait it is Oniony. I'm on to your tricks

    Monkeyfeet on
    sig1.jpg
  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Abortionplex

    What a name

    Solar on
  • 101101 Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Those facebook messages are the best/worst thing

    101 on
  • BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    thanks a lot (MU)BARAK HUSSEIN OBOMB-US/OSAMA

    Brolo on
  • FirmSkaterFirmSkater Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Rock wall

    FirmSkater on
    sig2.jpg
  • HunterHunter Chemist with a heart of Au Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Rolo wrote: »
    thanks a lot (MU)BARAK HUSSEIN OBOMB-US/OSAMA

    I see what you did there, but you may have dug too deep.

    Hunter on
  • Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Hunter wrote: »
    Rolo wrote: »
    thanks a lot (MU)BARAK HUSSEIN OBOMB-US/OSAMA

    I see what you did there, but you may have dug too deep.

    It's too late. He knows what he woke there in the depths. Shadow and flame.

    Centipede Damascus on
  • MeizMeiz Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Solar wrote: »
    Abortionplex

    What a name

    My thought process:
    -Metroplex was a transformer.
    -What if they had a transformer called Abortionplex?
    -Would it be an Autobot or Decepticon
    -Shit, I'm out of smokes.

    Meiz on
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2011
    Thank you for ruining my day by posting this. I like to go through my day and pretend idiots like this don't exist. THANKS FOR REMINDIND ME!

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    We could discuss the Onion. Like wasn't there a show on Comedy Central by the Onion? What happened?

    Goose! on
  • SoaLSoaL fantastic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    largest rock climbing wall in kansas!

    SoaL on
    DKFA7.gif
  • Sweeney TomSweeney Tom Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I am so glad I lost all my faith in humanity a long time ago.

    Because if I hadn't, those Facebook posts in the spoilers would have definitely pushed me over the edge.

    Sweeney Tom on
  • Butler For Life #1Butler For Life #1 Twinning is WinningRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Goose! wrote: »
    We could discuss the Onion. Like wasn't there a show on Comedy Central by the Onion? What happened?

    I think it may have been replaced by a similar, but non-Onion show. (Sports Show as opposed to Onion SportsDome)

    Butler For Life #1 on
  • Sweeney TomSweeney Tom Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Goose! wrote: »
    We could discuss the Onion. Like wasn't there a show on Comedy Central by the Onion? What happened?

    I think it may have been replaced by a similar, but non-Onion show. (Sports Show as opposed to Onion SportsDome)
    As of April 4, 2011 USA Today reports the show is on hiatus and the time-slot been replaced by Sports Show with Norm Macdonald.

    Sweeney Tom on
  • SquallSquall hap cloud Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    the rock wall is seriously the best part

    Squall on
  • Munkus BeaverMunkus Beaver You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2011
    That sucks, because SportsDome was great and Sport Show sucks ass.

    Munkus Beaver on
    Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
  • ShanadeusShanadeus Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I am so glad I lost all my faith in humanity a long time ago.

    Because if I hadn't, those Facebook posts in the spoilers would have definitely pushed me over the edge.

    I would immediately de-friend those people if they were on my facefriend-list.

    Shanadeus on
  • Butler For Life #1Butler For Life #1 Twinning is WinningRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Why would they replace one sports comedy show with another? The market for the two couldn't be that different.

    Maybe the Onion isn't as good of a "brand" as Norm MacDonald?

    Butler For Life #1 on
  • MonkeyfeetMonkeyfeet Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I never saw this show. I prefer my onion on the internet I think.

    I also support work for Norm MacDonald

    Monkeyfeet on
    sig1.jpg
  • MonkeyfeetMonkeyfeet Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Motherfucker was a prophet

    Monkeyfeet on
    sig1.jpg
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2011
  • BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    HOLY SHIT
    MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON

    Brolo on
  • Bad KittyBad Kitty Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Can't stop laughing at the rock wall.

    Bad Kitty on
  • EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Damn

    Edcrab on
    cBY55.gifbmJsl.png
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
  • SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    people should be taught in school the difference between real news and the onion.


    still don't like abortion.

    SCREECH OF THE FARG on
    gcum67ktu9e4.pngimg
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    speak for yourself bitch i type by hurling semi-formed infants at my laptop

    mensch-o-matic on
  • SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    you make sure they get to at least the second trimester so they can feel pain as they slam into the keyboard

    SCREECH OF THE FARG on
    gcum67ktu9e4.pngimg
  • BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    people should be taught in school the difference between real news and the onion.


    still don't like abortion.

    nah abortions are awesome dude

    Brolo on
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    who has time to let their fetus develop so far in this modern fast-paced internet

    mensch-o-matic on
  • SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    woah woah, internet abortions?

    SCREECH OF THE FARG on
    gcum67ktu9e4.pngimg
  • SquallSquall hap cloud Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Koshian wrote: »
    the onion show is on IFC

    also this is the best article because the writer almost definitely killed himself between then and now

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

    oh my goodness

    Squall on
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    woah woah, internet abortions?

    its a web 2.0 thing

    mensch-o-matic on
  • SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    woah woah, internet abortions?

    its a web 2.0 thing


    is there an app?

    SCREECH OF THE FARG on
    gcum67ktu9e4.pngimg
  • BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Squall wrote: »
    Koshian wrote: »
    the onion show is on IFC

    also this is the best article because the writer almost definitely killed himself between then and now

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

    oh my goodness

    that's a horrible power

    all of your satirical essays come true

    Brolo on
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    mensch u3u

    Beasteh on
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