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Office Social Issue - Eyes Have It!
MichaelLC
In what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered User regular
In what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered User regular
Could use a little social advice for the office.
Back in a job, loving it but having a tough time with a social issue. I seem to be having an extra hard time keeping eye contact with co-workers, particularly the women. Seem to drift elsewhere, and of course the moment I start thinking about it, the harder it is not to do.
I don't have any problem talking to anyone, as everyone is very smart and friendly, but think it's been noticed, which I obviously don't want to be known as 'that guy', as I a) respect them and b) would prefer to remain employed. Any suggestions? Preferably without mentioning specifics, as I think you can guess what I mean.
Back in a job, loving it but having a tough time with a social issue. I seem to be having an extra hard time keeping eye contact with co-workers, particularly the women. Seem to drift elsewhere, and of course the moment I start thinking about it, the harder it is not to do.
I don't have any problem talking to anyone, as everyone is very smart and friendly, but think it's been noticed, which I obviously don't want to be known as 'that guy', as I a) respect them and b) would prefer to remain employed. Any suggestions? Preferably without mentioning specifics, as I think you can guess what I mean.
MichaelLC on
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If you're uncomfortable being animated this can be even more difficult to pull off than eye-to-eye conversation, specifically because it requires you to be in a relaxed natural state to not look robotic and awkward.
I knew a guy in High School that did this. People do notice, and he had a reputation for eyes wandering to the chest level. I imagine he wasn't doing it on purpose, it was a nervousness thing.
The moving the hands suggestion is great, and basically if you can, train yourself to survey the room around you periodically throughout the conversation... Just tend to do it while you're talking, otherwise you may come off as uninterested in what they have to say or downright distracted.
Yeah, they're enticing, but you just have to sack up and not do it.
This is pretty much what it boils down to.
I have a fairly large team to take care of, plus interviews and there are very attractive ladies (which are everywhere honestly) but you just need to put the biology on hold as much as you can. Co-workers don't come to work to be oggled, and I'm not saying you do that or mean to do it but it does at times take concious effort to keep eye contact.
I look over a shoulder to something else if eye contact gets uncomfortably long/awkward and then back.
If this is not about boobs and just general unease with eye contact just realize that everyone thinks it's weird to have locked eye contact for more than 10-20 seconds so it's ok to look away and back.
If the OP wasn't refering to awkward boob-staring, but just regular ol' eye-contact, then blink more or glance off to the side now and then.
The girls in the class thought he was extremely creepy, as I imagine the immediate reaction is "This guy is staring down my top." So, if you don't want to be extremely creepy, you need to get a handle on this.
Don't stare into their eyes, stare into the space between them.
I'll be talking to a woman, and she'll cross her arms or adjust her jacket so I'll think, was that because of me?
Ding ding ding. Make eye contact to start, then when they're talking, focus on a point between their eyes. When you're talking, maintain eye contact to watch reactions.
As your natural default body position and posture is to look staright ahead, if you are directly facing the person you are talking to, you will find yourself predominantly keeping this position. When thinking about something, your body wants to return to a comfortable resting position, so if you are already in such a position, you will likely stay there.
Also, most people's eyes tend to move as they think, and often people will find themselves thinking about what their interlocutor is saying and not even realizing that their eyes have wandered, until they "refocus" on their vision and realize that they are looking somewhere that they weren't before (you might be suddenly studdying their nose, or hairline, or collarbone, or whatever, without even being aware that your eyes have shifted).
So, while it may sound simple, when you are speaking to women at your office, if you have problems with wandering eyes, just don't directly face them. Rotate your chair slightly so that you have to turn your head a bit to look right at them, or lean against a wall and turn your head if you're standing up (for instance). This way, when you are thinking about what the other person is saying (or even what you are saying as you say it), you will find yourself naturally wanting to return your head to a resting position that is looking slightly away from your interlocutor. It will not look weird, you will just look comfortable and relaxed, looking off into the distance while thinking, and turning back to meet their eyes to acknowldege that you are listening to their points and to punctuate your own speech with eye contact.
Even just a 10 or 15 degree angle away from the person you are talking to is sufficient, and you will find your head naturaly turns while you think, leading your eyes to wander into the distance instead of down your interlocutor's top.
Some people will take it as a challenge, especially if they also have a habit of eye contact. Some people may be surprised, or embarrassed and look away themselves. Couple this with a casual smile and you will often find yourself, body-language-wise in control of a conversation you're having.
Eye contact in the grocery store line is especially fun, because the checkers NEVER expect it. It breaks the baristas at Starbucks off-script. It makes the cops think you're a more honest person. It's an awesome habit to cultivate.
Over time, you'll get used to the women at the office and stop having your eyes wander. It might take a few months, but it'll fade with familiarity - unless someone's flirting with you!
OK, that wasn't serious, just slightly grrrrr-ing. I don't get why you guys stare, but I'm aware you do. Please try hard not to, cos it is off-putting!
If you find your gaze wandering downwards, look up quickly!
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Wearing sunglasses while inside is even ruder than not maintaining eye contact.
There is a special place in hell reserved for douchebags who don't take off their sunglasses inside, unless they have those special kind of glasses that fade to transparency inside and opaque outside, and the glasses haven't changed yet.
I don't know if I should be impressed or embarrassed I got LewieP's Mummy to talk about crotches. :oops: Do you notice a lot of chaps (I think that's your word) doing it?
I appreciate all the advice, I know it's just something I have to work on, and helps knowing it's not just me. I'll try the off-center approach, that might help avoid the head-on looks and lets me talk about DogFish Brewery.
Eyes, their nose, their mouth, the breasts, just don't stare. Look at their face when you are conversing, but don't stare at one specific spot for too long. Staring into someone's eyes for extended periods of time is just as creepy as lookin' at dem boobs. Staring between their eyes makes the staree feel that the starer is looking 'through' them.
I know your pain, rude titties are like eye magnets, but you've gotta control that impulse.
Make eye contact, yes. But don't stare them down, this usually makes people uncomfortable. It's kind of what other people have said, you just have to stop looking. Sure, you don't get the eyecandy...but at least people don't think you're creepy. A very fair trade, imho, I started consciously practicing this in early High School, so if I can do it in HS with all those hormones, I bet you can do it at your workplace, too.