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Asking a girl out as a friend.
billwill
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey there, this is pretty simple and probably ridiculously easy for you to answer.
It's just that, my whole life, I've mainly hung out with other guys. I've never had many female friends until recently. One in particular (let's call her Sandy) is pretty awesome and I enjoy spending time with her. I would like to spend more time with her outside of college; just hanging out, hiking, normal activities. My question is, how would I go about asking her to these things while simultaneously eliminating any possibility of it being a date? She's a great girl, very pretty and smart, and we're both single, but I just don't feel ready for a relationship right now (maybe further down the line, who knows). It seems like just saying it's not a date right away would be a little rude and also close the door on potential dates down the line when I am ready to take that step. Is there some way to phrase it or something that is universally accepted as just friends?
It's just that, my whole life, I've mainly hung out with other guys. I've never had many female friends until recently. One in particular (let's call her Sandy) is pretty awesome and I enjoy spending time with her. I would like to spend more time with her outside of college; just hanging out, hiking, normal activities. My question is, how would I go about asking her to these things while simultaneously eliminating any possibility of it being a date? She's a great girl, very pretty and smart, and we're both single, but I just don't feel ready for a relationship right now (maybe further down the line, who knows). It seems like just saying it's not a date right away would be a little rude and also close the door on potential dates down the line when I am ready to take that step. Is there some way to phrase it or something that is universally accepted as just friends?
I hate you and you hate me.
billwill on
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Hell if the activity is something neutral like hiking I don't think you'd even have to specify unless she seems really into you. Flirting or contact (something like brushing/holding onto your arm, etc.) from her should let you know to clear the air ahead of time so she doesn't get the wrong idea. If you're wandering towards 'standard' dating activities "Hey did you want to go [grab dinner/see a movie/do activity] tomorrow? Just as friends" works fine.
If things get more meaningful, or if she declines because it would be weird, that's a good indicator she thinks of you as more than friends and/or doesn't want to risk it.
Why can't you just say what you mean?
"We're too awesome to not be friends outside of school. I'm going hiking with duder and whatsherface, you want to go?"
Dangerous has the right idea here. Just ask if she wants to hang out, or whatever you have planned, in the same tone that you would ask a guy friend. Only clarify the situation if you need to, because saying "but only as friends" seems to me to have implications that aren't necessary to make.
This ought definitely to work for group settings. With regards to one-on-one platonic hangings-out, only because so many other assholes have ruined this for us by asking out women with whom they were on ostensibly platonic terms under the pretenses of friendship only to ambush them with romantic or sexual interests somewhere between the dinner and dessert courses, you may want to be prepared to be a little more explicit about why you want to hang out.
And by "explicit," I here mean "straightforward and honest." Don't hold back part of what you're thinking and feeling right now just in case you might change your mind about dating at some point down the line. For one thing, withholding part of the truth from a friend is, generally speaking, not a very friendly thing to do. Moreover, if you do find yourself developing a romantic interest in her in the future, you can revisit the subject, again in a straightforward and honest fashion, and not come across like one of those aforementioned assholes who develop friendships with women only to ambush them romantically later.
edit: people don't automatically assume date, unless it is a datey activity like the movies or the carnival. Even going to eat isn't really a datey activity these days.
but they're listening to every word I say
Exactly. And you even said she was super coo but you just aren't in a relationship position, or whatever. Maybe you change your mind later, now you have screwed yourself over.
Also, remember that life doesn't always wait for the right moment for you. Don't go getting all goo goo over this girl and then lament the fact that she has some other boyfriend later because you waited.
but they're listening to every word I say
Step 2: Don't hit on her.
Success!
This.
I will say the phrase "hang out" is a great one that pretty much says the whole "just friends" thing without being explicit and awkward. If the topic of dating comes up just be honest.
So you float the idea of an activity and then see how it goes. "Hey I was thinking of going hiking on saturday, but it's pretty boring to go alone. At least, I think so. You want to go with me?"
I have to disagree on this point, though not the general thrust of your advice. "Hang out", as a phrase, can be pretty ambiguous. Perhaps not among those you interface with, but it comes down to your local vernacular as to whether it means explicitly "so we can be friends" and not "so I can hit on you better"
@billwill, I'm curious. Are you concerned she will reject you if she thinks it's a date, or are you afraid she'll want it to be?
Because it's rude.
"Hey, let's do X...but just as friends" is equally conceited and rude/insulting. It implies that you (a) thought that she might want to date you so you want to nip that in the bud (conceited) and (b) that you have considered the person you are speaking to as a sexual/romantic partner and have already decided against it for whatever reason (insulting).
Even if that's not a thought process you consciously or even subconsciously went through, I think that's how a lot of people would take it, so I think it's better to err on the side of not doing adding the "just as friends" disclaimer. It's not really a good way to start off a friendship.
Granted, me not grasping some nuanced trifle of human socialization is hardly a newsworthy, but I don't see how the former is impolite. The latter seems as potentially rude and presumptuous as you say, but they don't feel the same.
One is a declaration of friendship, and a proposition to do things. The other is a proposition to do things, and a stipulation that you don't want them touching you.
I'm not worried about being rejected, ArbitraryDescriptor (also that's lame that the new forum cut off the last part of your name!). I've been rejected a few times and it's just something you accept and move on. It's just that I'm terrible at reading signs. I don't have a clue if she likes me or not, and I really don't want to hurt her feelings if she does.
I'm thinking maybe just asking her to hang out in a spontaneous way would eliminate the possibility of it being a date? Like, "Hey, you get off at 3:15, right? Want to grab some food after class today?" And once I've done that a few times, the friend relationship will have been established.
Also, I know that maybe someone will ask her out between now and the time that I'm "ready." If that happens, it happens. Sure, if I develop feelings for her I might kick myself, but I'm not going to try and transition into a relationship now because if she did accept it wouldn't be fair to her. I just have too much on my plate at this point in my life to even consider a girlfriend. And if she still is single down the line and I realize I do like her, I'll tell her how I feel then.
Hush, you.
This seems like a plan then. You can't control whether she already likes you or not, and how you ask her to hang out isn't going to change it. Your level of interest should become apparent to her before she escalates any potential feelings for you to the point that your disinterest will hurt her more then than it would now.
But, again, I am a clumsy oaf with the emotions of others, and I assume that what wouldn't hurt me wouldn't hurt them.
I sort of think the "friend zone" thing is a myth. I was friends with my husband for four years before we realized we'd each been pining secretly for one another since day one. Good luck with your lady friend, billwill, and good luck if she ever becomes a ladyfriend.
I'm married to a woman who started out as a friend. The friend zone doesn't exist, it's a construct created by social retards who don't know how to behave around and treat women.
The "friend-zone" only exists in so much as you put yourself there. And by that I mean allow yourself to get in league with a person that likes to have a lot of dating options and will string people along to get benefits, and then be impotent enough to willingly subject yourself to such treatment. That said going from a platonic friendship can certainly have pitfalls to navigate, as intimacy and sex can up the ante past people's comfort zones very quickly.
Anyway, as to your situation, I think you should be very honest with yourself right now whether you are attracted to this girl. It might sound easy today when you're both single, but if you have feelings for her, it will be hard when she starts dating someone else. Otherwise, like others have said, just don't make a big deal out of it, casually invite her along to things you are going to be doing and let it naturally go from there.
Seriously, you don't have to put the movies on a friend just because she's a girl. There is nothing relationship about this whole thing I guess. You don't need to say "as just friends." or anything deeper. You just have to phrase it as "I'm going regardless, would you like to come with?"
Just ask her to do something like you would a male friend. Easy.
Also, there is no such thing as the "friend zone". Anyone who uses that term is a Goose Goose goosety goosety goose who has no goosety idea how real relationships work.
Pretty much completely agree with this, particularly the bold part. I think starting out as a group is a great way to go, because it's pretty clear that you're asking to hang out with her as a friend. You can also suggest she bring some of her friends, if she'd like. Even if your friends flake out and it just ends up being the two of you going on the hike, the original intention was clear and it doesn't come off as date-y.
Exactly. I'd use the same lines I'd use for my guy friends on a girl. "I'm going to XYZ, would you like to come with?"
So how would you go about making it clear that a) its not a date, or b) it is a date? Im pretty sure almost everyone I know in real life would consider two single folks of the opposite sex going out to an activity together just the two of them as a date unless it is specifically mentioned that it isnt one, for whatever reasons.
EDIT: I guess, IMO it IS a date, but something being a date isnt a big deal. You don't go on a date with a girl to decide right then and there you want to marry them or even get in a serious relationship with them. You go on a date to get to know them. There is a difference between going on a date with someone and dating someone.
If they say, "Sorry I don't really like you that way." feel free to add in that it wasn't mean to be a personal date type situation and apologize. If they just say no, leave it at that.
You guys are looking far to deep into this. Girls like to do things with friends just as much as guys. Having a penis or vagina doesn't change any of this and really doesn't change anything. You just have to be mindful of what you say and how you say it if you're trying to avoid them thinking it's a date. If she assumes my statement earlier is a date like setting, she's naive or is interested in dating. In which case feel free to explore that route. Outright saying, "Would you like to go to XYZ with me, you know, just as friends" makes you seem like an asshole, honest, but an asshole.