(SOLVED)In love with a woman with aspergers syndrome, Or how do I get a jerk thro

Viscountalpha · October 2011

so, I'm having a meltdown over on SE++ disguised as a contest.

This is why,

I'm seeing a woman who has aspergers. It's kind of refreshing since I have some of the traits too, I feel far more normal then her though given that I deal with the public so I have a general template of what is the societal norm and how to talk to people both inside and outside my personal life. However, it's not without it's issues. The confidence in herself really worries me and her roommate is a former BF. He is abusive and the police are incompetent here. It's tearing me up that she won't just walk away from her apartment, temporarily since he is going to get her evicted anyway- Not yet but i'm just worried he might do something rash.

She seems to pick up these guys who are abusive and don't actually care. She has that cleaning OCD and doesn't know how to slow down and stop. Something I do all too well. I've always considered it my Lazyness OCD. Do the minimum required work to make it happen and then save the energy you have for other resources. So i'm trying to balance myself off of this kind of OCD. It's like she's my multiplicative inverse. My strengths are her weakness and vice versa.

I want to marry this woman eventually. This feels so right. I don't want to mess it up.

H/A, what advice can you give me in this situation please?

and thank you out there for putting up with my temporary madness.

JebusUD · October 2011

I guess I don't understand how you can have a proper romantic relationship with someone with aspergers. Won't they not understand romantic gestures towards them? How will she be romantic with you?

But anyway, I don't know what you can do really. Tell her that these guys she is living with are jerks and she shouldn't be living with them. I presume she is an adult. She should be able to understand a bad situation for herself. You can't make her move and you can't really make the police do anything. They have a hard enough time helping abused people who want help. The best you can do is recommend a course of action which will improve her situation. I don't think you can white knight her out of her problems.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

I'm direct with her, I know how to show emotion and feeling that she can understand. it works. Even just as a friend who cares deeply to see that she doesn't get hurt. I love her unconditionally,I think that's something that gets through to anyone.

Bedlam · October 2011

Have you not talked to her about it yet? The whole situation is moot if she dosent see you that way.

Also it sounds like you are doing a lot of self diagnosing.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

No. She was diagnosed as a young girl. I'm in contact with her mother- who supports my involvement in her life. We talk about this kind of thing all the time. She wanted me to make a list of things that bug me and i'm like "uhhhhhh, I have no idea where to start" from the perspective that her social interactions might embarrass me, but i'll get over it. She worries she will be just like my psychotic mother.

Let me put it this way, my mom is still batshit insane. I end up blocking some of the crazy stuff she does, almost constantly. So my girlfriend told me a story I had forgotten. Apparently my mom took the law into her own hands to save my girlfriends sister. Went up to a gangbangers house and with a pistol got my lady's sister back.

Must be one of the side affects of having 5 brothers and 5 sisters

And my dad? PTSD- Marines. Served in Vietnam- Survived the tet offensive.

Golf company, Battle of hue. He saw more death and carnage then I could ever imagine. I'm lucky to be as normal as I am.

kedinik · October 2011

Situation still very vague. I have no clear idea what the problems are or what you hope to accomplish or change, aside that you think she should move out of her apartment.

Are you dating this girl, or would you like to date this girl who has no idea that you're interested except that you told her mom about it, or what?

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Forgive me, I haven't been sleeping well so organizing my thoughts is difficult.

Is there anything I should know about aspergers syndrome could affect me months, years down the line?

Also,
How do I rebuild someones confidence whose been abused horribly in her past, besides just being there for them and being the best human being you can be?

Zombiemambo · October 2011

JebusUD wrote:

I guess I don't understand how you can have a proper romantic relationship with someone with aspergers. Won't they not understand romantic gestures towards them? How will she be romantic with you?

But anyway, I don't know what you can do really. Tell her that these guys she is living with are jerks and she shouldn't be living with them. I presume she is an adult. She should be able to understand a bad situation for herself. You can't make her move and you can't really make the police do anything. They have a hard enough time helping abused people who want help. The best you can do is recommend a course of action which will improve her situation. I don't think you can white knight her out of her problems.

People with Asperger's are just robots or something? Do you really think it's impossible to have a romantic relationship with a person who has it?

naporeon · October 2011

kedinik wrote:

Situation still very vague. I have no clear idea what the problems are or what you hope to accomplish or change, aside that you think she should move out of her apartment.

Are you dating this girl, or would you like to date this girl who has no idea that you're interested except that you told her mom about it, or what?

This. Does this girl know how you feel about her, @viscountalpha ? It doesn't seem very clear what the nature of your relationship is. Are you actually dating, or do you just want to be?

Robos A Go Go · October 2011

How long until she gets evicted? Where is she going to live afterwards?

If she's putting off leaving because of the difficulty of finding a new place to live, she might be encouraged by any help that you could give her in finding a place. If she has the immediate option to leave, then it'll be easier to take that step.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Zombiemambo wrote:

JebusUD wrote:

I guess I don't understand how you can have a proper romantic relationship with someone with aspergers. Won't they not understand romantic gestures towards them? How will she be romantic with you?

But anyway, I don't know what you can do really. Tell her that these guys she is living with are jerks and she shouldn't be living with them. I presume she is an adult. She should be able to understand a bad situation for herself. You can't make her move and you can't really make the police do anything. They have a hard enough time helping abused people who want help. The best you can do is recommend a course of action which will improve her situation. I don't think you can white knight her out of her problems.

People with Asperger's are just robots or something? Do you really think it's impossible to have a romantic relationship with a person who has it?

No, nothing of the sort. Different rules apply, I'm just trying to find out what I'm getting myself into. I would say the mental and physical abuse is far worse then the aspergers syndrome, that the syndrome makes it easier for people to take advantage of her. From what I can figure out.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Updated the title-

So This is the situation. her roommate-lets call him justin. Justin is a heavy oxycodone user. He keeps OD'ing and the police and medical people don't do anything about it. They think he has the right to just OD on drugs. Thats all he does, is drugs and watches tv. He is on disability. He has become verbally abusive to me. My girlfriend (who will be my fiancee) feels sorry for the guy. I have to admit, I do too. It's sad.

I fear for her life. When this guy snaps completely I think he could become murderous or a danger to anyone around him. Again the police won't do anything about it.

I got into it with him because he started hiding her cellphone. He started answering her cellphone. he invades her personal space with no regard. I watched him go right into her locked door-( the door has that little hole that in case you lose the key.) and go into her room. I stood and watched without becoming aggressive. Again this guy is unstable.

He is now txting me telling me all sorts of terrible things. On excellent advice, I'm being the bigger man and ignoring him.

Btw, he has two Duii's and the police only hold him overnight. he keeps driving and the police do nothing.

HOW DO I STOP THIS GUY FROM INTENTIONALLY KILLING OR UNINTENTIONALLY KILLING SOMEONE!?!?!!?
041
ffs- my life. always drama.

naporeon · October 2011

Seriously, @viscountalpha , you describe her as your girlfriend, but what is your relationship with this girl? Does she know that you are in love with her? Are you actually dating, or do you just want to be?

Either way, it's not your job to save her. It sounds like she is aware of the sort of person this guy is, so just voice your concerns to her, and then let her know that you're there to help however she needs. Beyond that, involving yourself is just going to make things harder -- and potentially more dangerous -- for her.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Its kind of too late for this. We are dating. I see her as much as I can.

This is about as weird as it gets here guys. I mean, screwed up does not even begin explain any of this. I was granted permission by her mother (even though she is 27) to intervene and do what I can.

I love this girl, And she loves me back. I would walk barefoot through hell to save her, which is about what I'm doing right now.

ceres · October 2011

naporean, he said they're dating. Take him at his repeated word or quit posting.

Jebus, people with Aspergers still have feelings. What is wrong with you?

If you don't have something useful for the OP, don't post.

Robos A Go Go · October 2011

Can she just move in with you, a friend, or her mother for the time being? If she's in the process of being evicted, then presumably he wouldn't stop her from leaving right now.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Shes not in the process but it's about to happen. This guy keeps getting citations from the apartment management. Apparantly she can't evict him before her lease expires and she doesn't want to lose the lease, and lose all her stuff either.

Moving here is an option. We have spare bedroom at this place. My dad lives here too. The grizzled old marine is here almost all the time and he would protect her if they came knocking. I doubt they even know this address and i'm a reasonable distance away.

and see the aspergers comes into play here. She feels anxious and nervous. She doesn't want to commit and I can't blame her. I think she expects me to turn into a d-bag like all the rest and that's the furthest thing from my mind.

Usagi · October 2011

I'm really confused about what you're actually asking advice about but the long and the short of it is that you can't fix her, you can't live her life for her, and quite honestly if she doesn't want to move out you can't make her do that either. You can encourage her to leave, and absolutely encourage her to get help via the police, her family or therapy, but she's a 27 year old woman for pete's sake--Aspergers or no she's entitled to live her own life. poor choices and all.

However, if this dude is legitimately threatening her or you (via text or voicemail) save those and take it to the police.

And on the flipside, you sound extremely disorganized and confused, like you can't get your thoughts straight and are having a really hard time communicating both here and in your SE thread--are you ok?

Powerpuppies · October 2011

It seems like she's in a bad situation that she's not likely to successfully resolve herself. I guess I would try to convince her to move in with you. If you guys move her stuff over to your place she shouldn't have to worry about losing it, and this lease sounds like something she should be glad to lose. If she can't evict the guy without losing the lease, then the lease is worth nothing.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

Usagi wrote:

I'm really confused about what you're actually asking advice about but the long and the short of it is that you can't fix her, you can't live her life for her, and quite honestly if she doesn't want to move out you can't make her do that either. You can encourage her to leave, and absolutely encourage her to get help via the police, her family or therapy, but she's a 27 year old woman for pete's sake--Aspergers or no she's entitled to live her own life. poor choices and all.

However, if this dude is legitimately threatening her or you (via text or voicemail) save those and take it to the police.

And on the flipside, you sound extremely disorganized and confused, like you can't get your thoughts straight and are having a really hard time communicating both here and in your SE thread--are you ok?

I am unable to sleep for some reason. Again, really screwed up stuff. I want to sleep, I lay down but it's like It doesn't happen like normal. If I keep burning the wick like this I may be headed to the hospital myself, which is the place I don't want to be.

Usagi · October 2011

Not being able to sleep is a serious problem, especially if it's been going on for some time. I'd highly suggest you go see a doctor so they can figure out why you're not sleeping and how to help you work through that.

You have to take care of yourself first if you entertain any hope of helping this woman out.

Ego · October 2011

1) get her and her stuff moved in with you at least temporarily.
2) you aren't a cop so if police aren't doing anything, you're out of luck. His criminal activity is not your responsibility. And it won't be your problem either, once your girlfriend isn't living with him.
3) ignore the guy.

Seems really simple. Get some sleep.

poshniallo · October 2011

I'd agree that you must get some sleep, or see a doctor if you can't. You seem disorganised and extremely tense - if you have some kind of medical help I think you should contact them.

You can't do anything about this guy except stay away and get your girlfriend to move away, and the few comments you've made about vigilante-ism (e.g. your mother) are very very worrying.

Don't do anything rash, just try to be calm and patient and eventually things will get sorted out. Patience can be very hard, and I imagine your problems make it even more difficult, but that honestly is the best thing you can do. Take it slow, take it easy, get some sleep, talk to medical people for some help and perspective.

LadyM · October 2011

Well, you have a lot on your plate. I would say if you're concerned about her safety, see if she can move in with you (if she wants to, that is.)

As far as her having Aspergers, I don't have any personal experience with that but I imagine her needs (as far as communication go) will depend on how severe it is.

Viscountalpha · October 2011

it came to me while I was running around doing chores... so simple but so difficult to see.

Yes, I did take a short nap, and I felt better. But I was out clearing my head, I visited my old school thinking about the past and the pain I felt as a kid, being rejected and all that junk. And then-- I just forgave it, I said to myself- it's in the past. and it hit me.

Try to be his friend not his enemy. Be the better man, If I didn't let anger put me into this position in the first place, he would of been cool with me still.

I mean he stole her cellphone on a day I didn't get enough sleep so I was worried all day. Then I ring her and get his voice? I flipped! I though she was in trouble so my anger took over. So

Love those that hurt you, Turn the other cheek is what I had in mind when I got to his door. If he attacked, I wouldn't of defended myself. I can take a beating, I wrestled since I was 8 years old. I had my nose broken when I was 14. A few punches to the face would of been nothing.

But no. That wasn't the right path for either of us. So I asked my girlfriend to tell him I'm sorry and I'd rather be friends then enemies. If he doesn't accept that then god have mercy on his soul.

you can lock this now. I've found my answer. I've found my correct solution

RIGHT OMEGA?

RIGHT. LEFT? WHAT?

Ai's so terrible with jokes and satire. *sigh*

Penny Arcade

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(SOLVED)In love with a woman with aspergers syndrome, Or how do I get a jerk thro

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