SWTOR Webcomic- Failhunter: Any writers out there?

Tim-Yates · December 2011

Hey all,

I'm a nooby webcomic-ist and I've found the writing aspect can be very difficult. I'm confident in my ideas, and am still refining my artistic style, but I think what I'm lacking most is a witty writing flair like you'd find in the PA comics, and which makes them so great!

I was wondering if there are any writers out there that might be able to bestow upon me some choice words of wisdom. Or any words period, I'm very open to all critiques, I know I have a long way to go with my art as well. I attached some comics or you could check the site link in my sig (that's not illegal, right? O.o)

squidbunny · December 2011

Ditch the Comic Sans. Such an amateurish font looks unbelievably appalling next to your pretty okay art. The type is also so small and claustrophobic it's difficult to want to read through these, especially when they get copy heavy like that last one. Which I'm not sure I get, incidentally.

Are these just a serialized travelogue of your SWTOR experience or are they supposed to be punchy jokes...?

rts · December 2011

I like it.

worstcase · December 2011

font is the main problem for me as well, but your art is pretty decent!
You have some good stuff here, even though I don't really get all the star wars stuff
(I've seen them once, so it'sprobably just lost on me)

NibCrom · December 2011

I like the art, but like you said, the writing needs some work.

Cut out any text that doesn't add to the story. In the last comic, you could probably cut out the entire first panel. The dialogue between Yoda and Lama Su is rings true for their characters, but consider how much more interesting the conversation would be if the first bit of dialogue is something like, "Master Yoda, we have been having difficulties with this recent batch of clones." Right away you've got conflict and conflict equals interest. Starting off a comic with what is essentially, "How's it going?" "Fine, how are you?" "I'm good. Say, did you hear that there's a problem with the most recent batch of clones?" is weak.

Don't worry about spoon feeding the audience every bit of information. They are smart enough to fill in the blanks. It's much more interesting to come into the middle of the conversation. The start of every comic is like the beginning of every chapter in a book or a newspaper headline. Grab the reader's interest right away! Take no chances!

And how are you saving these for the Web? Because there are some nasty compression artifacts present, especially around the text.

Mustang · December 2011

I like it, but the writing is definitely the weak point. You need to work on your timing and punch lines, they're all very obvious.

amateurhour · December 2011

You art is FANTASTIC! I love the facial expressions.

You need to simplify your writing, a lot. It's so wordy that I thought I was actually reading a Lucas approved Star Wars comic by Dark Horse once it's gotten about 40 issues in, and you don't want that : )

I'm by no means a professional writer, but here's my .02

Comic 1:

- in panel 1 the friend should just be saying "hey, don't forget to see the trainer before you head out" or something.
- in panel 2 the main hero should stop after wax on, wax off. That was the punchline in that panel, that was a funny bit. Everything after "wax off" was unnecessary.
- panel 4 could go a couple directions. Personally I think a cool idea would be to have a "dark side points gained" kind of red shadowing on a closeup of the main character giving an evil grin, and then do another comic where he's like stealing money from old ladies and knocking over star wars liquor stores to pay for training.

Comic 2:

- panel 3 doesn't need the text. we get the idea...
- panel 4 should just be the girl talking, just saying "i've got a bad feeling about this" (the heh heh heh is fine)

Comic 3:

this should just be a 3 panel comic. They don't all have to be zingers in panel 4. make the "forever" in panel 3 this doom ridden font or something... It's a good setup

Comic 4:

this is a good comic, but it requires stepping outside the box and thinking about episode 2 instead of TOR so it kind of blends different groups within the same genre. I like it though. This one can be wordy because those giant clone kamino (sp?) guys like to talk a lot so it makes sense.

Omie · December 2011

I agree the writing needs some work, but the artwork AMAZING! Not that I am an expert but I would try to reduce the wall of text in some of the panels. Still very good work!

Tim-Yates · December 2011

Thanks, all, so much for the insight, It was super helpful! I'm realizing I need to team up with a good writer or seriously work on my game.

DirtyDirtyVagrant · December 2011

I don't necessarily think that you're phrasing Yoda's lines correctly. I'm not an authority on this by any means, but I think it sounds far more natural for him to say something like "Had a feeling about this, I did" rather than the way you've done it there. The same applies to "Very impressed am I," where I would have written it as "Very impressed, I am," or, more likely, "Very impressive, this is."

Or something.

Tim-Yates · December 2011

@Squidbunny - I guess its a travalogue of a fictional character in a swtor mmo setting.. with punchy jokes.. that make sense?

@nibcrom - I'm lowering the DPI to 100 and using save for web and devices to make them jpegs. Not sure I see what you're talking about with compression artifacts though..

@amateurhour - great points, thanks for the lengthy critique

NibCrom · December 2011

I would increase the quality of the Save for Web option. I usually use "Very High".

Here's a close-up comparison of some comic text I saved at "Very High" next to a close-up of one of your comics. There are far fewer compression artifacts when saved at a higher quality.

Draygo · December 2011

DirtyDirtyVagrant wrote:

I don't necessarily think that you're phrasing Yoda's lines correctly. I'm not an authority on this by any means, but I think it sounds far more natural for him to say something like "Had a feeling about this, I did" rather than the way you've done it there. The same applies to "Very impressed am I," where I would have written it as "Very impressed, I am," or, more likely, "Very impressive, this is."

Or something.

This is correct. Generally yoda will lead with the object, for example

"I am happy." becomes "Happy, I am."

Where 'standard' english word order uses subject-verb-object construction. Yodish uses object-subject-verb construction, with a few exceptions. You also usually get a comma before the subject.

"You will understand" -> "Understand, you will".
"I love pink dresses and pretty flowers." -> "Pink dresses and pretty flowers, I love."

Further reading if you want to get into the nuance, which is entirely unnessisary for a web comic:
http://www.yodajeff.com/pages/talk/yodish.shtml

m3nace · December 2011

I'd just save in .png instead of .jpg
It'll save you the artifacts.

Tim-Yates · December 2011

@NibCrom - Thanks I see what you're saying. I checked my settings and it turns out I was saving it at 'high' instead of 'very high' thanks for the catch!

@Draygo - Thanks for the Yoda lesson, never seen anyone break his speech down so thuroughly

@M3nace - Thanks, I'll try that

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