ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
I hate these.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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EshTending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles.Portland, ORRegistered Userregular
A termite walks into a bar. He says "Is the bar tender here?".
Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.
As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.
Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"
Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
A midget walks into a bar, says to the bartender "I saw the sign outside, you need a bouncer?"
Bartender replies "I do - we need some tough guys. You're a little short though."
Midget says, "I may be short but I'm one of the toughest son of bitches out there. Back in the war my arm got blown off by a 'nade but it didn't stop me! I picked it up, sewed it back on, and kept fighting!"
Bartender, surprised, exclaims: "That's incredible! Alright, you got the job!"
Midget yells "ALRIGHT!".
(This is where you hold up your hands, one with a thumbs up, and one with a thumbs down.)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, I've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "you've got a drink named 'Steve?'"
A guy goes to the doctor with carrots shoved up each nostril and in each ear. He says "doc, I'm not feeling well!" The doctor replies, "well, first of all you're not eating right."
A priest, a rabbi and an athiest walk into a bar, and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
A patient's in his doctor's office. The doctor tells him to take off his clothes, turn toward the window and stick out his tongue. The patient asks "Why?" The doctor replies, "I'm mad at my neighbor."
Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.
As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.
Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"
Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
IT'S A HAMBUSH"
This goes in the "Jokes-to-tell-the-father-in-law" file.
Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.
As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.
Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"
Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
IT'S A HAMBUSH"
This goes in the "Jokes-to-tell-the-father-in-law" file.
When you file it away, make sure you change the names to be more iconically French, and have the characters talk in a French accent. The punchline is more funny that way.
There was once a florist's shop in a small town. This was the only florist in town and while business was not great she got by. There was also a small monastery on the edge of town where lived an order of friars. One day as a fund raiser the friars decided to sell flowers. The turn out was so good that at length they decided to continue selling flowers. At first the florist didn't mind because it was supposed to be just a one day thing, but as time wore on and they kept selling flowers the friars started cutting sharply into her meager income. The florist went to the brothers and tried to talk them out of their flower-selling venture but had no luck. At wits' end she finally went to see Hugh, the town heavy. Hugh feared neither man nor God and was perfectly willing to go "talk" to the brothers for a few dollars. The next day Hugh went around to see them and sure enough their flower stall was soon closed down and the florist was able to rebuild her business.
Which just proves that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A man walked into a bar, deeply depressed and in search for some meaning. Feeling a growing pain in his stomach, he asked the bartender for the cheapest meal he could give. In front of the man was laid a sickly looking sweet potato.
The man then sparked a bit of a conversation with the potato, which while it may seem impossible to an ordinary man is quite normal when you're as depressed and as hungry as he.
"Where did you come from?" Asked the man, still too sad to eat and yet too awake to stay quiet.
"A farm" Answered the potato.
The man began to sob.
"How similar we are. You, a potato, born to be devoured by men, and I, a man, born to be devoured by worms."
The potato shrugged.
"Eh, its not so bad. We all get eaten eventually. I've lived a good life. Met a good potato-girl who became my potato-wife, had a couple of taters."
"But," Said the man, "Don't you have regrets? I for one have lived my whole life in a mad scramble to extend my life. A cyclical dance of pointlessness."
"No," Said the potato, taking a drink from the mans glass of water, "I have no regrets. If I had built a tower, it would have fallen. If I had built a name, it would have been forgotten. I did what made me happy, and whatever I get in death is exactly what I deserve."
The man shook his head.
"No no, you've got it all wrong. I want to be important! I want to achieve! I want people to remember me!"
The potato smiled.
"You are, in your unimportance, important. Its because of the ant drones that the queen has any importance or means of survival at all. Contextually in society, you are, in your seemingly pointless life, the very essence of collective importance. Because of the boring people in society, we have the exciting people! Without the boring, then we'd all be exciting, which would become the new social norm. Therefore, because it would become common-place, it would in effect become the new "boring" of society, while the original boring would, in their rarety, become the new "exciting". You may think that the celebrities that lounge around lazily are the most important of people, but it is by your hard-work that they exist at all."
The man shook his head.
"I don't understand..."
The potato smiled again.
"Its simple. Society has social castes. Therefore, because of the existence of a lower caste, aka your caste, there exists an upper caste. Because of the "unimportant" men and women who work all day every day, we have the "important" achievers who are considered "rare". And remember, without the "common" there is no "rare". Contextually, you give them their very purpose of existence. You need each other, and therefore are of equal importance."
The man began to smile.
"So who... What, are you?"
The potato thought for a moment.
"You kill me, eat me, and I extend your life. I am food. I am a sacrifice."
The mans smile shrunk.
"But what are you? You're a living thing- You feel pain, you can communicate, you have a will to survive... What seperates you from me, a man? What are you?"
The sweet potato shrugged.
"I yam what I yam."
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FiggyFighter of the night manChampion of the sunRegistered Userregular
Is a hippopatamus really a hippopatamus or just a cool opatamus?
Posts
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/154195/i-think-its-time-for-another-bad-jokes-thread/p1
It should have enough to get you started.
As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.
Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"
Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
IT'S A HAMBUSH"
Bartender replies "I do - we need some tough guys. You're a little short though."
Midget says, "I may be short but I'm one of the toughest son of bitches out there. Back in the war my arm got blown off by a 'nade but it didn't stop me! I picked it up, sewed it back on, and kept fighting!"
Bartender, surprised, exclaims: "That's incredible! Alright, you got the job!"
Midget yells "ALRIGHT!".
(This is where you hold up your hands, one with a thumbs up, and one with a thumbs down.)
A guy goes to the doctor with carrots shoved up each nostril and in each ear. He says "doc, I'm not feeling well!" The doctor replies, "well, first of all you're not eating right."
A priest, a rabbi and an athiest walk into a bar, and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
He had no arms.
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread.
Origin: KafkaAU B-Net: Kafka#1778
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
A patient's in his doctor's office. The doctor tells him to take off his clothes, turn toward the window and stick out his tongue. The patient asks "Why?" The doctor replies, "I'm mad at my neighbor."
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup....MOO!
What does a midget and a dwarf have in common?
0431-6094-6446-7088
"Y."
"Because I want to know!"
Ground beef.
0431-6094-6446-7088
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
Why did the entree blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the bar? It had No Body to go with.
This goes in the "Jokes-to-tell-the-father-in-law" file.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
And my favorite: What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Xbox Gamertag: GAMB1NO325Xi
When you file it away, make sure you change the names to be more iconically French, and have the characters talk in a French accent. The punchline is more funny that way.
He stayed up late at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Also, I can count to "boat".
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.
Elephino...
Which just proves that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
0431-6094-6446-7088
...You start.
The man then sparked a bit of a conversation with the potato, which while it may seem impossible to an ordinary man is quite normal when you're as depressed and as hungry as he.
"Where did you come from?" Asked the man, still too sad to eat and yet too awake to stay quiet.
"A farm" Answered the potato.
The man began to sob.
"How similar we are. You, a potato, born to be devoured by men, and I, a man, born to be devoured by worms."
The potato shrugged.
"Eh, its not so bad. We all get eaten eventually. I've lived a good life. Met a good potato-girl who became my potato-wife, had a couple of taters."
"But," Said the man, "Don't you have regrets? I for one have lived my whole life in a mad scramble to extend my life. A cyclical dance of pointlessness."
"No," Said the potato, taking a drink from the mans glass of water, "I have no regrets. If I had built a tower, it would have fallen. If I had built a name, it would have been forgotten. I did what made me happy, and whatever I get in death is exactly what I deserve."
The man shook his head.
"No no, you've got it all wrong. I want to be important! I want to achieve! I want people to remember me!"
The potato smiled.
"You are, in your unimportance, important. Its because of the ant drones that the queen has any importance or means of survival at all. Contextually in society, you are, in your seemingly pointless life, the very essence of collective importance. Because of the boring people in society, we have the exciting people! Without the boring, then we'd all be exciting, which would become the new social norm. Therefore, because it would become common-place, it would in effect become the new "boring" of society, while the original boring would, in their rarety, become the new "exciting". You may think that the celebrities that lounge around lazily are the most important of people, but it is by your hard-work that they exist at all."
The man shook his head.
"I don't understand..."
The potato smiled again.
"Its simple. Society has social castes. Therefore, because of the existence of a lower caste, aka your caste, there exists an upper caste. Because of the "unimportant" men and women who work all day every day, we have the "important" achievers who are considered "rare". And remember, without the "common" there is no "rare". Contextually, you give them their very purpose of existence. You need each other, and therefore are of equal importance."
The man began to smile.
"So who... What, are you?"
The potato thought for a moment.
"You kill me, eat me, and I extend your life. I am food. I am a sacrifice."
The mans smile shrunk.
"But what are you? You're a living thing- You feel pain, you can communicate, you have a will to survive... What seperates you from me, a man? What are you?"
The sweet potato shrugged.
"I yam what I yam."