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[Internet Dating] "Who is your favorite duck?" and other dating questions

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Posts

  • ScudoScudo Registered User regular
    I had a scary night where I went out with a friend and met two of her friends, both of whom I recognized from okc. I was not prepared for real life/Internet to converge without warning like that. I don't think either of them recognized me, though.

    Even though I had definitely messaged one of them.

  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    kfrooster wrote:
    EggyToast wrote:
    So, this may seem blunt, but it looks like we like the same kind of movies, animals, and I think you're pretty cute. Want to watch something and play with cats at some point?

    Eggy, may I use this? I feel that my posts have suffered from boringitis.

    I wouldn't use it verbatim, but yes, that's why I post here -- to help people and discuss online dating practices. A two or three sentence message where you say, basically, "I've read your profile, I find you interesting, and I also find you attractive, so let's do something" is usually engaging enough to get a response. It's not going to make someone who doesn't find you attractive suddenly want to sleep with you, but it makes your intentions clear.

    The catch is to do it without being creepy. Most women are OK being told, in a dating situation, that you personally find them pretty. Those same women are generally sick of being told they're objectively beautiful and being propositioned for sex.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • GorkGork Registered User regular
    Now age ain't nothing but a thing (but I don't do hookups so that ruled out the one or two more attractive older ladies), but I stress pretty strongly in my profile that I'm an active guy in decent shape with lots of physical hobbies, so I also get a bit confused about messages from women who seem less interested in that lifestyle. That said, I take the time to respond pleasantly to every message, since I figure if you're going to put yourself out there, you deserve to be acknowledged at the very least.

    This drives me insane.

    I specifically mention in my profile that I spend a lot of time in the gym. I am really, really passionate about weightlifting. Not just doing it, but the science behind it and everything involved in it. Ultimately, I place a high amount of importance on taking care of your physical well-being, in some form. I explicitly state this.

    If the last time you saw the inside of a gym was physical education class in high school, why bother? Of course I'm basing my judgement of that on photographs and a person certainly could be trying to get in shape, but clearly if they have pictures indicating they currently aren't, then they weren't too attentive to it up until this point.

  • RitchmeisterRitchmeister Registered User regular
    Right at the top of your page - "NO FATTIES".
    Boom, problem solved.

  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    Organichu wrote:
    forty wrote:
    Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.
    Good advice.

    And 'chu, whether I articulate it or not, I can't escape my thoughts ("Don't think about elephants."), so I don't really see the point in sugar coating an internal monologue or anecdote I post in this thread. Besides, I could have been a lot more offensive if I wanted to, as the words I chose were pretty accurate.

    well i understand that you can't see the point of it

    i'm telling you to try harder to see

    get some ethical glasses
    That seems to be more a topic of empathy than ethics.

  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    Gork wrote:
    Now age ain't nothing but a thing (but I don't do hookups so that ruled out the one or two more attractive older ladies), but I stress pretty strongly in my profile that I'm an active guy in decent shape with lots of physical hobbies, so I also get a bit confused about messages from women who seem less interested in that lifestyle. That said, I take the time to respond pleasantly to every message, since I figure if you're going to put yourself out there, you deserve to be acknowledged at the very least.

    This drives me insane.

    I specifically mention in my profile that I spend a lot of time in the gym. I am really, really passionate about weightlifting. Not just doing it, but the science behind it and everything involved in it. Ultimately, I place a high amount of importance on taking care of your physical well-being, in some form. I explicitly state this.

    If the last time you saw the inside of a gym was physical education class in high school, why bother? Of course I'm basing my judgement of that on photographs and a person certainly could be trying to get in shape, but clearly if they have pictures indicating they currently aren't, then they weren't too attentive to it up until this point.

    Ritchmeister has it right to some degree. If you're only interested in women with bodies you consider fit, then be explicit or else you'll get messages from people who find you interesting for other reasons (that have nothing to do with how much time you spend in the gym or rock climbing).

    14271f3c-c765-4e74-92b1-49d7612675f2.jpg
  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    Malkor wrote:
    Ritchmeister has it right to some degree. If you're only interested in women with bodies you consider fit, then be explicit
    What Malkor is saying is that you'll need to be wearing a "No fat chicks" shirt in all of your pictures as well.

    Also, we've come full circle!

  • RobesRobes Registered User regular
    Nothing wrong with having standards.

    "Wait" he says... do I look like a waiter?
  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    Why not state something like:

    I'm a very active guy and I'm looking for a woman who can keep up.

    ?

    gotsig.jpg
  • kfroosterkfrooster Registered User regular
    EggyToast wrote:
    kfrooster wrote:
    EggyToast wrote:
    So, this may seem blunt, but it looks like we like the same kind of movies, animals, and I think you're pretty cute. Want to watch something and play with cats at some point?

    Eggy, may I use this? I feel that my posts have suffered from boringitis.

    I wouldn't use it verbatim, but yes, that's why I post here -- to help people and discuss online dating practices. A two or three sentence message where you say, basically, "I've read your profile, I find you interesting, and I also find you attractive, so let's do something" is usually engaging enough to get a response.

    Haha, yes it would probably be wise to use a variation of your sentence. I usually have 3/4 of your points but I lacked the final "let's do something" finisher. But, success! Had a response almost immediately but that was probably due to us being night owls.

  • OrganichuOrganichu poops peesRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited February 2012
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    forty wrote:
    Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.
    Good advice.

    And 'chu, whether I articulate it or not, I can't escape my thoughts ("Don't think about elephants."), so I don't really see the point in sugar coating an internal monologue or anecdote I post in this thread. Besides, I could have been a lot more offensive if I wanted to, as the words I chose were pretty accurate.

    well i understand that you can't see the point of it

    i'm telling you to try harder to see

    get some ethical glasses
    That seems to be more a topic of empathy than ethics.

    i don't see them as entirely divorced.

    but what i'm saying, i guess, is that you should maybe stop and think about how your mind tends to sort and categorize and articulate things. i generally don't date women who are very overweight (though there are exceptions). but i think it's psychologically damaging and injurious to basic human empathy to allow yourself to Other fat women in your thoughts. i understand you're not aggressive or externally hurtful about it- that you don't say mean and cutting things to these women. i get that, and it's good.

    but by allowing that to be your thought process- 'ugh, fat, gross woman friended me, just great'- i think you're doing your basic decency a disservice. that sort of depersonalization is pretty insensitive to one of the core truths of this whole endeavor (which is that we are all fundamentally unsure who wants us and what that means). i believe that thinking more gently and civilly translates to a more social and kind person... which, incidentally, translates to a person who we as a society generally regard as, uh, fuckable.

    Organichu on
  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    Two things here. Keep in mind the original context of my post, which was to highlight the sharp contrast of my grim Feb 14th experience to yours after your implicit solicitation for the accounts of other posters:
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    did anyone else get a lot of messages today? seems like people on the site are lonely 'bout v-day
    No messages yesterday, but a fat, unattractive girl added me to her favorites. Yay.

    It's not like I just barged into the thread and made an "another goddamn fatty, /eyeroll" bitchpost while we were discussing ducks or something.

    My post also would have been different if she had just sent me a decent message -- probably more along the lines of "just one, and it was someone I'm not interested in at all." I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

  • OrganichuOrganichu poops peesRegistered User, Moderator mod
    forty wrote:
    Two things here. Keep in mind the original context of my post, which was to highlight the sharp contrast of my grim Feb 14th experience to yours after your implicit solicitation for the accounts of other posters:
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    did anyone else get a lot of messages today? seems like people on the site are lonely 'bout v-day
    No messages yesterday, but a fat, unattractive girl added me to her favorites. Yay.

    It's not like I just barged into the thread and made an "another goddamn fatty, /eyeroll" bitchpost while we were discussing ducks or something.

    My post also would have been different if she had just sent me a decent message -- probably more along the lines of "just one, and it was someone I'm not interested in at all." I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

    i suggest tracking her down and splashing water in her face

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    Remember that dude here in the thread that sent out over 100 messages in a week because that was his goal?

    Maybe some of these unattractive ladies are doing the same thing, just sending out a bunch of messages and seeing who bites.

    Yes, they may have not read your profile, but from what I hear from lady land, men don't read the profiles about 99% of the time.

  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Organichu wrote:
    i suggest tracking her down and splashing water in her face
    I like this plan.
    Lilnoobs wrote:
    Remember that dude here in the thread that sent out over 100 messages in a week because that was his goal?

    Maybe some of these unattractive ladies are doing the same thing, just sending out a bunch of messages and seeing who bites.

    Yes, they may have not read your profile, but from what I hear from lady land, men don't read the profiles about 99% of the time.
    Like I said, I didn't even get a message. Just a generic "Favorited" message from the system. Should I reply with "thanks!"?

    Also, I read profiles, so I guess that makes me a 1%er. And we hate those 1%ers!

    forty on
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I got me a date! It's the guy who I talked to about going hiking with later in the year. He lives the next town over, and I was going to try and meet up with him there for coffee, but he beast me to the punch and will be in my area next week. Coffee next Friday!

    MetroidZoid on
    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • SeanronSeanron GlasgowRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Heylo chaps and chappettes! :)

    Would one of you fine folk critique my profile on okcupid, my first foray into this online dating thing and trying to get it right :)

    username is Seanron5000 :)

    Seanron on
    PSN: Seanron - XBL: Seanron - Steam: Seanron
  • NewblarNewblar Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Lilnoobs wrote:
    Remember that dude here in the thread that sent out over 100 messages in a week because that was his goal?

    Maybe some of these unattractive ladies are doing the same thing, just sending out a bunch of messages and seeing who bites.

    Yes, they may have not read your profile, but from what I hear from lady land, men don't read the profiles about 99% of the time.

    That was me and it was actually extremely successful. Granted while I used a standard message it wasn't a one liner and based on the feedback and my somewhat mediocre attractiveness it was probably fairly decent. I also stayed away from favourites, that's just plain lazy.

    Anyways I'm probably single again so after I get caught up on some stuff I'm going to have to make a decision between going back to crafted messages or continuing with the shot gun approach. Both have their merits.

    Newblar on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    So my friend is telling me to invest in pay for online dating service since we have mutual friends who had success in that. The problem is those sites are expensive and don't offer full access trial. I want to test the shoe if the fitting is good before buying it. Anyone had good experiences with any? Maybe send an friend invite?

    Right now OKC is showing me a demographic outside of what I am interested. Also appears to be an increase of self-deprecating profiles lately.

    Horus on
    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    I had an ok experience with match.com a few years a go. But I wouldn't say the hit rate for me was any better than the free ones. Wasn't any worse either.

  • msmyamsmya Being Fabulous Registered User regular
    I think my cousin used eharmony.com. Seemed to work for him, he met his wife there.

    Now he doesn't talk to his family though / doesn't come home for holidays. But that's another story. :P

  • BursarBursar Hee Noooo! PDX areaRegistered User regular
    He joined a cult? :-P

    In recent news, my coffee date went swimmingly. Second date confirmed (not a time, but that there will be one), this time at an actual restaurant.

    GNU Terry Pratchett
    PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
    Hit me up on BoardGameArena! User: Loaded D1
    egc6gp2emz1v.png
  • zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    Scudo wrote:
    I had a scary night where I went out with a friend and met two of her friends, both of whom I recognized from okc. I was not prepared for real life/Internet to converge without warning like that. I don't think either of them recognized me, though.

    Even though I had definitely messaged one of them.
    You have to keep the worlds separate. If they come in contact they explode :)

    On another note. I am doing something wrong on my second dates, It's a shame I can't have someone doing a play by play for review. I do fine on the first date then there is some sort of mood change. I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. Oh well next one up.

  • N1tSt4lkerN1tSt4lker Registered User regular
    zepherin wrote:
    On another note. I am doing something wrong on my second dates, It's a shame I can't have someone doing a play by play for review. I do fine on the first date then there is some sort of mood change. I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. Oh well next one up.

    You may not be doing anything wrong. If I feel a first date/meet-up goes well and there's a little spark, I'll agree to a second date to find out for sure. A lot of times, the second date just shows that the spark wasn't really a thing. So what may be happening is that there's enough clicking for a second date, but the second date is just revealing that not enough clicks for more than that, not that you're bungling things. If that makes sense.

  • WinkyWinky rRegistered User regular
    I definitely do not respond to every message that I receive. I don't do it to be mean or something, but there's some things you need for a successful relationship, like being attracted to the person. So I'm not incredibly upset with myself for the fact I will immediately look at the photos, then only if she looks kind of cute will I skim her profile, then only if nothing bad stands out will I read the whole thing. If I'm not interested I tend to just not respond, but this is exactly what chicks do to me when I message them. I don't think I've ever gotten a message from a girl saying "You seem nice but I'm not interested", they just don't reply.

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    My order of...uhhh...weeding?

    Pics > Tests > Personality > Profile

    I can usually gleam more about a person from the tests and personality section than the usual trite stuff written in the profile.

  • zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    N1tSt4lker wrote:
    You may not be doing anything wrong. If I feel a first date/meet-up goes well and there's a little spark, I'll agree to a second date to find out for sure. A lot of times, the second date just shows that the spark wasn't really a thing. So what may be happening is that there's enough clicking for a second date, but the second date is just revealing that not enough clicks for more than that, not that you're bungling things. If that makes sense.
    Perhaps, I think I'll note though when the mood changes during the second date. I'm pretty good at getting a first date, so that's not really an issue (I'm not even that good looking), and I don't have time to be messing around with crazy people so that's usually why I won't call for a second date, but then when I do engage for a second they don't call for a third. I wish dating produced usable data. I like usable data it makes things easier.

  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I'm slightly paranoid at the smallest thing of a coffee date this Friday. Why you ask? Well I'll be honest ... since my seperation/impending divorce from my ex, this will be my first other date ... ever. Yeah, I never dated anyone, and my ex was my childhood 'sweetheart'.

    I'm just going to keep it cool, relax, make small talk, be myself.

    E: In other good news, I've been talking to two girls, neither especially local, but hey, it's correspondence! That's better than nothing!

    MetroidZoid on
    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    Lilnoobs wrote:
    My order of...uhhh...weeding?

    Pics > Tests > Personality > Profile

    I can usually gleam more about a person from the tests and personality section than the usual trite stuff written in the profile.

    I know my pics are just the tres chic bathroom mirror since I am usually up at night I really don't want to come across as a vampire

    As for the tests I remember doing a few got bored because I figured out how I can change one or two answers and get a different outcome

    Personality o boy mine looks like I will leave you tastefully displayed in a ditch somewhere

    And profile I just wrote things without a care, no sense of order, But all of it is true.

    My order of weeding is basically
    Are you interesting? The fine line between fun and crazy? are you not short? are you obvious about your baggage?

    I really have not meet anyone I have chatted with online for a date. the last couple of women I have dated I personally talked to in public. Part of me just gave up on dating because of what I was running into and seeing all the interesting ones so far out of reach.

  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    I'm just going to keep it cool, relax, make small talk, be myself.

    E: In other good news, I've been talking to two girls, neither especially local, but hey, it's correspondence! That's better than nothing!

    That's the accepted advice. Although if you want to turn up dressed in a dinosaur outfit while singing show tunes please do so and report back! :)

    I'm also with you on the correspondence is better than nothing front. I'm currently in a fantastic email conversation with a girl in another country. She keeps talking about sorting her visa out and organising a date for when she gets here but I don't really care if she does or not. I just enjoy exchanging mini essays with her on whatever random topics seem to keep coming up. Been a while since I had a conversation this intelligent with anybody to be honest.

    Coffee girl seems to have fizzled out. Despite what I felt was a good first date and some positive signs from her afterwards she seems to be making precisely zero effort in regards organising a second date. She said something about perhaps organising one for this coming weekend but it felt more like a "don't hold your breath" rather than a "keep your diary clear" statement.

  • rizriz Registered User regular
    forty wrote:
    I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

    This. I've never added someone to favorites, so I'm not sure how overt the warning is that you're about to notify the other person... I like to think maybe they just don't realize/care and are saving you to look or message later? But it's more likely what you said. Similarly the old "wink" function.

  • MortalToasterMortalToaster Registered User regular
    riz wrote:
    forty wrote:
    I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

    This. I've never added someone to favorites, so I'm not sure how overt the warning is that you're about to notify the other person... I like to think maybe they just don't realize/care and are saving you to look or message later? But it's more likely what you said. Similarly the old "wink" function.

    I use the favorites as a "to-message" list. You can add someone without having OKC send them an email, so I mostly just use it as a placeholder for people I want to message eventually.

  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    riz wrote:
    forty wrote:
    I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

    This. I've never added someone to favorites, so I'm not sure how overt the warning is that you're about to notify the other person... I like to think maybe they just don't realize/care and are saving you to look or message later? But it's more likely what you said. Similarly the old "wink" function.

    I use the favorites as a "to-message" list. You can add someone without having OKC send them an email, so I mostly just use it as a placeholder for people I want to message eventually.

    Same here. I usually build up a list of about 5 to 10 people and then spend the next week coming up with opening messages for each of them. As I send off the messages I remove them from the list.

  • GlyphGryphGlyphGryph Registered User regular
    Been following this thread for a while, figured I'd finally jump in. Admittedly, most of my following has been just to see how things are going with Skoal's situation, heh.

    In part because I'm coming at this from the other direction - I'm already married, but still looking to see people, which obviously cuts down on my options a lot. Which means a good profile and photos is even more important, since I can actually reasonable exhaust the supply of people who might be interested, locally, if I'm not more cautious than I used to be. (I met my wife off okcupid. Admittedly, she did most of the work.) I'm having some luck, but not much, and in all honesty I'm pretty out of practice.

    So yeah - critiques and suggestions welcome:
    http://www.okcupid.com/profile/MackinBanana

    It's actually... pretty terrible right now, in my opinion. Only been half-assing it. Gonna rewrite the whole thing soon, I think.

  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    lizardloop wrote:
    riz wrote:
    forty wrote:
    I never use the Favorites thing, and I don't really understand the point of adding someone to your Favorites with a notification to them without bothering to send a message. To me, it's like saying, "I'm interested in you but am too lazy/uncreative/uninteresting/apathetic/etc. to bother composing a one sentence message, so I'll just do this, let you get a generic system message about it, and then you can figure out what you want to do about it."

    This. I've never added someone to favorites, so I'm not sure how overt the warning is that you're about to notify the other person... I like to think maybe they just don't realize/care and are saving you to look or message later? But it's more likely what you said. Similarly the old "wink" function.

    I use the favorites as a "to-message" list. You can add someone without having OKC send them an email, so I mostly just use it as a placeholder for people I want to message eventually.

    Same here. I usually build up a list of about 5 to 10 people and then spend the next week coming up with opening messages for each of them. As I send off the messages I remove them from the list.
    I understand this, since you're using it personally. The scenario I'm referring to is putting someone on your favorites, telling the system to notify them that you did so, and then never actually messaging.

    forty on
  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    GlyphGryph wrote:
    Admittedly, most of my following has been just to see how things are going with Skoal's situation, heh.
    Now that you mention it, Skoal hasn't posted here in a while. I wonder if the "other guy" took him out.

  • WinkyWinky rRegistered User regular
    So, got texted back after the date and all that good junk, now I just gotta set up the next one. Is a movie an acceptable second date?

  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    Winky wrote:
    So, got texted back after the date and all that good junk, now I just gotta set up the next one. Is a movie an acceptable second date?
    I'd say so. Although you may want to consider combining it with dinner. That way you can at least discuss the movie a little over dinner afterwards and get some conversation in. Having been on dates where it amounted to picking them up, seeing the film and then dropping them off back home it felt as though we hadn't gotten to know each other any better at all.

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    ehhhhhhhhhhh

    Just a movie? Seems like you two won't talk or you will talk and piss off the other people at the movie.

  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    What lizardloop said, but it doesn't have to be dinner. Just movie + some other activity that allows conversation. A walk or even just a sit in the park afterward to talk and get to know each other better. That early on in dating, you don't want to "waste" a date on just a movie.

    forty on
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