When guys with esteem issues and/or emotional/mental problems come in here, we generally tell them they need to spend some time alone and deal with their problems first too; its hardly a case of singling out one gender. The rule of thumb is 'if you can't handle yourself well, you probably can't handle a relationship well either', and its generally a solid one.
i'm kinda curious about all the "she's crazy, run, RUN WHILE YOU CAN" comment everyone is giving. I am one of those crazy girlfriend. (not the controlling kind, the really really low self esteem, self-loathing kind) and I know that if my boyfriend would come here and ask advice about anything about us, you would probably all be begging him to run away as fast as he can. So I'm not sure if the OP is really wrong about giving her another chance. Sure, sometime it won't work at all and she'll go back to her crazyness, but maybe she *really* is willing to change. Maybe i'm wrong (you probably think I am) but I don't think relationship are as easy as just leaving her and moving on. Maybe they love each other and are willing to stay together while she is trying to fix her trouble. A lot of person have mental trouble (anxiety, OCD, depression, etc) and those can be cured, or at least controlled, why ban them from any relationship?
In addition to what Cat said, the relationship is not a healthy one they are lowering each other's quality of life. I mean, this is not only about the girl having issues. It's about her being extremely controlling, constantly lying, and trying to make the OP feel like shit about having a life outside of the relationship, which is really bad. I, like many others here, don't think that level of selfishness and craziness can simply go away in the blink of an eye. Rather, the girl has to sit down, do some serious thinking, and preferably go through many therapy sessions with a professional, and then maybe, just maybe, she will improve... in a few years time. Only then the OP's decision to take her back would be a prudent one - and that is only arguably so.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
i'm kinda curious about all the "she's crazy, run, RUN WHILE YOU CAN" comment everyone is giving. I am one of those crazy girlfriend. (not the controlling kind, the really really low self esteem, self-loathing kind) and I know that if my boyfriend would come here and ask advice about anything about us, you would probably all be begging him to run away as fast as he can. So I'm not sure if the OP is really wrong about giving her another chance. Sure, sometime it won't work at all and she'll go back to her crazyness, but maybe she *really* is willing to change. Maybe i'm wrong (you probably think I am) but I don't think relationship are as easy as just leaving her and moving on. Maybe they love each other and are willing to stay together while she is trying to fix her trouble. A lot of person have mental trouble (anxiety, OCD, depression, etc) and those can be cured, or at least controlled, why ban them from any relationship?
The question here is, if you knew that you were purposely making your boyfriend miserable, would you willingly continue your behaivour, and if he did, could you really blame him for breaking up with you?
Relationships are about making oneself happy. They are completely selfish. It just so happens however in a good relationship that making the other person happy usually results in you also being happy. In OP's case making his girlfriend happy does not appear to be making him happy. So we tell him that this relationship isn't a good one and he should move on.
Plus, you don't know what your boyfriend would do. Would he post saying that he was sick of the relationship and wanted out, but your low self-esteem made it difficult for him? Or would he post saying that he was totally into you, but that your low self-esteem was the cause of some problems?
For a) the recommendations would be that he needs to break up with you, because he wanted out and you should both spend time alone so you get over your issues. For b) the recommendations would be entirely different, and focus on fun activities or therapy. I mean, the point of any advice thread is to help the poster asking the question, and that's also why early posts in vague threads ask so many questions
I mean, read the OP again. He's interested in dating another girl, his current girlfriend is demanding of his time and activities, and makes fun of him to the point where he has to tell her to stop. That's not a good relationship, and when it comes to relationships you have to realize that there are only 2 outcomes -- either they break up, or they don't. If they don't, is that a good relationship to have for an entire life?
It seems to me that the OP sticking around when he doesn't want to lends a particular level of control to his girlfriend while, at the same time, causing a dependency issue not unlike a drug. They need to be separated, go through the withdrawal period and straighten their lives out. The relationship is not healthy as it is for either of them and there really seems to be no other way forwards; just more of the same.
But, as people tend to only be able to give one side of the story we have to assume that this side is more or less accurate and give advice based on the testimonial.
I would not even call old girlfriend, just start daating this other girl and stop taking calls from current girl. she will get the clue eventually. considering she is three hours away, what can she do about it?
I would also consider filing a restraining order... just in case.
Hum, you guys are totally right. I guess I jumped too fast on the "save the crazy person" thing. (it's like save the whale). And I agree with you on this issue. It's just that I sometime (sometime) forget to really think about the person in front of the crazy one. If she's making him feel bad and he likes some other girl, yeah giving her another chance isn't the brightest idea ever.
Eggytoast, yeah, I don't really know what he would say, probably B (cause that's what I think ) But since I take care of my issue myself as much as I can, our trouble about that were just a temporary thing (or at least I think so)
The afermath: First off thank you all for the helpful advice. I did take the advice of a close friend who recently went through a similar situation. He said this to me "You know she will promise to get better, and she will. For a time. But then in a month or 2 she'll be right back to busting your nuts again. But you have to give her that second chance. Beacause if you don't then then you're going to wonder if she really would have gotten better or not. You need to see it for yourself."
Hehe, well, taking the advice of a good friend over those of homps on teh Intarweb is probably a good idea. For one thing, he probably has a better idea of the situation. You must care a lot more about the girl than you'd let on before, if you're willing to be party to what you think is another cycle of futility. What you have to be careful about, though, is that you might end up feeling more attached to the girl because things are going so well now, so when things go badly again (assuming they do), you're going to be even more hesitant to break things off, because you've seen that it can get better. What might happen is you two might get trapped into endless repetitions of this cycle. People are always stupid when it comes to relationships, but I think sometimes the "right thing" doesn't really exist. Even though staying with her is, objectively speaking, a bad idea, maybe the emotional support you lend her combined with the fact that she's making an effort to get better will end up helping her overcome her problems and lead to a healthy relationship for the two of you. Who knows, stranger things have happened. But if things go badly again, you will probably want to break up with her and stay broken up for at least a month or two. Residual feelings will probably make you want to go back to her, but you need time to make sure you're doing the right thing. You don't want to look back on this, 10 years down the road, and regret not carrying though with your decision.
99% of guys think their girlfriends are controlling and whatnot
Yeah, all guys are so awful about generalizing women...
:P
But, yeah. You're not happy with this relationship, it's not working out, and it's getting in the way of the rest of your life. And that's when she isn't even around.
She believes that the fact that she might feel like talking to you is more important than you being able to hang out with your friends?
A relationship is about two people making eachother stronger. It sounds like she is taking away from your life more than she is adding to it.
But, as was said above, spend some time single before the next relationship. Runing from one relationship to the next is generally not a good idea.
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In addition to what Cat said, the relationship is not a healthy one they are lowering each other's quality of life. I mean, this is not only about the girl having issues. It's about her being extremely controlling, constantly lying, and trying to make the OP feel like shit about having a life outside of the relationship, which is really bad. I, like many others here, don't think that level of selfishness and craziness can simply go away in the blink of an eye. Rather, the girl has to sit down, do some serious thinking, and preferably go through many therapy sessions with a professional, and then maybe, just maybe, she will improve... in a few years time. Only then the OP's decision to take her back would be a prudent one - and that is only arguably so.
The question here is, if you knew that you were purposely making your boyfriend miserable, would you willingly continue your behaivour, and if he did, could you really blame him for breaking up with you?
Relationships are about making oneself happy. They are completely selfish. It just so happens however in a good relationship that making the other person happy usually results in you also being happy. In OP's case making his girlfriend happy does not appear to be making him happy. So we tell him that this relationship isn't a good one and he should move on.
Satans..... hints.....
For a) the recommendations would be that he needs to break up with you, because he wanted out and you should both spend time alone so you get over your issues. For b) the recommendations would be entirely different, and focus on fun activities or therapy. I mean, the point of any advice thread is to help the poster asking the question, and that's also why early posts in vague threads ask so many questions
I mean, read the OP again. He's interested in dating another girl, his current girlfriend is demanding of his time and activities, and makes fun of him to the point where he has to tell her to stop. That's not a good relationship, and when it comes to relationships you have to realize that there are only 2 outcomes -- either they break up, or they don't. If they don't, is that a good relationship to have for an entire life?
It seems to me that the OP sticking around when he doesn't want to lends a particular level of control to his girlfriend while, at the same time, causing a dependency issue not unlike a drug. They need to be separated, go through the withdrawal period and straighten their lives out. The relationship is not healthy as it is for either of them and there really seems to be no other way forwards; just more of the same.
But, as people tend to only be able to give one side of the story we have to assume that this side is more or less accurate and give advice based on the testimonial.
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I would also consider filing a restraining order... just in case.
Eggytoast, yeah, I don't really know what he would say, probably B (cause that's what I think
Hehe, well, taking the advice of a good friend over those of homps on teh Intarweb is probably a good idea. For one thing, he probably has a better idea of the situation. You must care a lot more about the girl than you'd let on before, if you're willing to be party to what you think is another cycle of futility. What you have to be careful about, though, is that you might end up feeling more attached to the girl because things are going so well now, so when things go badly again (assuming they do), you're going to be even more hesitant to break things off, because you've seen that it can get better. What might happen is you two might get trapped into endless repetitions of this cycle. People are always stupid when it comes to relationships, but I think sometimes the "right thing" doesn't really exist. Even though staying with her is, objectively speaking, a bad idea, maybe the emotional support you lend her combined with the fact that she's making an effort to get better will end up helping her overcome her problems and lead to a healthy relationship for the two of you. Who knows, stranger things have happened. But if things go badly again, you will probably want to break up with her and stay broken up for at least a month or two. Residual feelings will probably make you want to go back to her, but you need time to make sure you're doing the right thing. You don't want to look back on this, 10 years down the road, and regret not carrying though with your decision.
Yeah, all guys are so awful about generalizing women...
:P
But, yeah. You're not happy with this relationship, it's not working out, and it's getting in the way of the rest of your life. And that's when she isn't even around.
She believes that the fact that she might feel like talking to you is more important than you being able to hang out with your friends?
A relationship is about two people making eachother stronger. It sounds like she is taking away from your life more than she is adding to it.
But, as was said above, spend some time single before the next relationship. Runing from one relationship to the next is generally not a good idea.
AMEN TO THAT! I could not have said it better, myself! :rotate: