As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/
Options
Slighty different best man speech question... do I try and break them up?
BaconParabellum
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm the best man at a wedding in about a month. The problem is I barely know the girl my buddy is marrying. They've been together about 5yrs, but I've probably had less than 5 conversations with her in that time. I have no stories about them as my buddy doesn't really get to hang out, and I've never really gone out with them.
So, beside the normal, "Toast to the beautiful bride and this guy," I'm coming up blank.
Part 2:
Not that it makes a lot of difference for the toast but she has basically cut ties with his side of the family (for him and her), and won't except anything from them help-wise for the wedding or gifts. I'm good friends with his parents/sister, and see them pretty often, much more than than I see him or he sees his parents, we're all within 5mi of each other. She's worn the pants the entire relationship, and up until lately he's completely gone with it always referring to decisions as "we decided" or "we're going to do this/that" but lately he's starting to say things like "she decided" or "I have no idea what she's doing in regards to wedding stuff."
Any general advice? Honestly, she's not a nice person, and it's really wearing on my buddy, he just looks tired and stressed all the time, terrible really. I tried to talk to him about 2yrs ago about if he really wants to marry this girl, but had no luck. I think he might be a bit more open to hearing it now based on his state of mind but it's hard to say. On a related note, one of his close cousins just a few weeks ago called off her wedding a couple months before it was going to happen, so that might be some sort of in?
Honestly I'm out of my league here, anything constructive would be much appreciated. This might just be more of a venting thread as I'm not expecting "the answer."
Thanks
So, beside the normal, "Toast to the beautiful bride and this guy," I'm coming up blank.
Part 2:
Not that it makes a lot of difference for the toast but she has basically cut ties with his side of the family (for him and her), and won't except anything from them help-wise for the wedding or gifts. I'm good friends with his parents/sister, and see them pretty often, much more than than I see him or he sees his parents, we're all within 5mi of each other. She's worn the pants the entire relationship, and up until lately he's completely gone with it always referring to decisions as "we decided" or "we're going to do this/that" but lately he's starting to say things like "she decided" or "I have no idea what she's doing in regards to wedding stuff."
Any general advice? Honestly, she's not a nice person, and it's really wearing on my buddy, he just looks tired and stressed all the time, terrible really. I tried to talk to him about 2yrs ago about if he really wants to marry this girl, but had no luck. I think he might be a bit more open to hearing it now based on his state of mind but it's hard to say. On a related note, one of his close cousins just a few weeks ago called off her wedding a couple months before it was going to happen, so that might be some sort of in?
Honestly I'm out of my league here, anything constructive would be much appreciated. This might just be more of a venting thread as I'm not expecting "the answer."
Thanks
BaconParabellum on
0
Posts
As far as your toast, you don't need to know her well. You could say something like "And I knew they were perfect for each other from the minute *friend's name* first started telling me about her and how his eyes just lit up" .... or something. Talk about your hopes for their future. Make some light hearted jokes. Keep it short if you're not confident.
This will make you YouTube famous in a bad way.
He is a big boy, she is a big girl, and they can make their own decisions. He trusts you to be his best man; give him the support he wants on that day, even if it isn't what you think is "best" for him.
Let's play Mario Kart or something...
I'd recommend you have a heart to heart with your buddy. But I wouldn't make it about you breaking him up. Just talk to him about your concerns and let him know it's because you care about him.
You don't know this girl. Either do a best man speech celebrating their wedding, or tell you're buddy that you can't do it and have him get someone else that can actually support him.
No matter how you spin it, you will be the enemy.
This goes x10000 if you do this as the best man.
BF3 Battlelog | Twitter | World of Warships | World of Tanks | Wishlist
I would say to give a nice speech saying all the things you want to say, and tell all the cool stories you want to tell during the bachelor party. During the wedding throw out some polite platitudes, smile like you mean it, and do not give her any ammo to demand he stop talking to you.
"I would like to give a speech about how awesome the bride and groom are together. However, I don't know since in X years I haven't..." and so on. I know the majority opinion here is to just go bland and generic, but god damn that's boring and you only live once. He wants you to be the best man? Tell him how you feel and then just tell the truth at the speech. Will this be popular? No. But it will be a lot more meaningful than trite shit and white lies.
Being a guest at an expensive dinner party is not the time to be a rebel, it is the time to be gracious like a boring adult.
Do not act like a sitcom character. Do not publicly humiliate your friend and his fiancee.
OP, if you don't feel comfortable giving a speech for your friend CELEBRATING his marriage, step aside. Dont be an asshole. You're supposed to be doing your friend a favor, not hopping up on a soapbox.
Winning speech template:
1 thank everyone for coming
2 compliment the bride for looking awesome
3 anecdote about the groom before he met the bride
4 anecdote about the groom after having met the bride
5 raise your glass and toast the happy couple
Keep it under 3 minutes
Trying to break them up is literally going to ruin their wedding. Their wedding that they and their families have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on, and that they have spent an enormous amount of time planning. It's wildly inappropriate, and you'd be lucky to only lose them as friends, and not have a whole covey of friends and possibly family members who never want to have anything to do with you again.
Also, if you've been around H/A for a while, take a look at the list of people who are all telling you not to do it.
I gotta give the speech to my brother's wedding, and from what I have read you are really just supposed to focus on the groom. You can easily get away with some non-specific compliments to the bride here and there. In fact, I'll probably straight-up say something along the lines of not knowing my brother's fiancee all that well (they moved to the opposite coast right after dating), except that she makes him happy and that's good enough for me. As long as you don't fucking insult her you don't have to get that specific. You are brought in as someone who is close to the groom, and your speech is supposed to reflect that.
YOLO is not valid advice. Holy shit.
I agree with the consensus. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't be the best man.
YOLO is not an excuse to fuck with your buddy's wedding.
People often forget the ancillary to YOLO, which is OPOLOT (Other People Only Live Once, Too).
My bad.
Most people are telling him to step down from the position. Which is as far as he can go without being labeled as an asshole by people he cares about.
How old are you that you think the proper time and place to air grievances is during a traditional wedding speech? Seriously have you ever been to a wedding? Because that is some immensely immature reasoning.
It is utterly unconscionable to betray the trust of someone who thought enough of you to make you their best man by literally sabotaging their wedding.
No, it's called tact and picking your battles wisely.
"Hey, I'm easily susceptible to heartburn, should I try the Devil's Ass hotwings?" YOLO it up, big man.
When it comes to a position where other peoples lives may be ruined, it's a lot less applicable.
"Hey, I'm thinking about destroying my friend's wedding because I don't like the way his fiancee has cut off contact from his friends and family". Not the place to YOLO.
I've now written the term YOLO four times in an H/A thread. I'm pretty sure that's my quota for the rest of my life.
To the OP; if you can't, in good conscience, support the wedding for any reason the time to step down as best man was about a month ago. At this point, the sooner you let him know the better so he can find someone else who is able to stand by him at the alter and they can have time to put together a speech. It's not your place to break them up. If it was your place to do so, the best man's toast at their wedding is not the time or place to do it.
If you have misgivings about their relationship you bring it up to him outside of this ridiculously expensive event that many people have sought to accommodate.
If he goes through with it you be gracious.
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
It's a month before the wedding, so unless the dude knows for a fact that they can have a new best man in with little trouble, it's too late to demure. Further, you don't show up at somebody's ridiculously expensive wedding that they have put hours upon hours of their life into getting set up, and then shit all over it, while saying "well, I'm just being honest, maaaaaaannnnn."
Seriously, people that pull that kind of shit end up the friendless pariahs they deserve to be.
If you're going to talk to him, OP, at least do it before the wedding, privately. But don't be surprised if he wants to find a new best man.
What exactly does "had no luck" mean? It sounds like you've already expressed to him how you feel...and he obviously doesn't agree because he's still getting married. Saying something now (or at worst, at the wedding) isn't going to open his eyes all of a sudden. You'd just be setting fire to any kind of friendship you still have with him.
Even if you're right, even if this isn't a great choice for him, he has to realize that himself. You tried to give input and apparently he doesn't agree, but shitting on his wedding (and being anything but gracious here will not go over well) is not acceptable.
So either step down or do the best you can with the material you have to be positive and uplifting. If you are convinced he is making the absolute worst choice here then go with what @kuhlmeye suggests and sit him down somewhere before the wedding and explain that you can't give the speech and give very clear reasons why not. And yes, the best case scenario here is that he'll probably remove you from the wedding party. Worst case is possibly more like "he'll never speak to you again", but the latter seems pretty likely if you go through with trying to make their supposed 'happiest day' into a bad rom-com.
The best you can do is voice your concerns to him privately, as has been said. But remember that he has free will to make the choices that affect his life. It's not always someone elses fault, if there is even any fault to be layed here.
If you want to make comments, that what the bachelor party can be for. Get him drunk and see if he complains about her. 99% chance he won't, and then you shut your mouth and be happy about it.
My impression is that you are more concerned for your buddy, and that is fair. There is nothing wrong with having a one on one with him where you broach the subject and see if your buddy reciprocates. This is not "trying to break them up," which is always an awful plan, but letting him know you are worried about him and you have his back. It doesn't have to automatically be some conflict, just have a drink, comment on how big a thing marriage is, and then ask if its really what he wants. Follow that up with the promise to support him whatever he chooses (so long as you can mean it) and then let it go forever and amen.
If he is really a close friend, then make the effort to establish positive diplomatic relations with the new wife. You may have to dig, but you can find something you two can relate on, and that will make it easier for you to spend time with your buddy.
Sorry for the poorly worded title. The question was originally going to just be about suggestions for the speech, then in morphed...
Back to that first thing, the speech. I'm terrible at complimenting people when I don't mean it. Basically I suck at lying, even when trying to be nice, it just shows on my face. Honestly I think it's going to be quite difficult to just make something up about how I think they are great together without looking totally awkward. Maybe a couple drinks will help...
Please shoot me a PM if you add me so I know to add you back.
If you absolutely must air your grievances with him, slant it more towards reestablishing relationship with his family (assuming he had good a relationship with them before) than breaking up his new one. You've already had your shot at stopping the wedding a couple years ago.
"tell funny anecdote about groom, embarass groom about something dumb he did as a young single man, express happiness in his marriage, clink glasses, profit"