Oh my god, I didn't realize that was posted until just now. Naporeon, you are awesome, as are all of the people I met yesterday. I still have some work to do on the confidence front, but yesterday was definitely a step in the right direction.
Awwwww, thanks. I had a great time hanging out with you. You should absolutely join us next week -- we probably had a little more to drink than normal, yesterday. It was sort of a special occasion.
Another shining example of some really great help coming from H/A
With that being said, @JackKieser, I'm glad you were able to go out and enjoy yourself. Just getting out and doing things is a huge step in the right direction. You mentioned earlier you were going to PAX, well if you haven't looked into or signed up for the community events over in the PAX forums I would recommend checking those out as well. Us Seattle locals also do things throughout the year as well so it may be worth keeping an eye on that board at other times too. I've met some really good friends through those events.
I live over on the eastside, but feel free to send me a PM if you need to just get out and chill with people, there's usually something going on during weekends.
If I was ever going to move to America, It'd be to Seattle for sure. Such a great-sounding/looking place! And full of good PA people too as it turns out!
Well, I still have a long way to go; I stayed out later that night, and couldn't work up the courage to actually try anything with anyone. I'm still super awkward when in large groups, and especially around women. It's going to take some time (and effort, and practice) to get comfortable (and confident) enough to actually attempt more than casual conversation at 2:30 in the afternoon. :P
Still, baby steps, I suppose. I'm assuming that time will be the deciding factor here.
Well, I still have a long way to go; I stayed out later that night, and couldn't work up the courage to actually try anything with anyone. I'm still super awkward when in large groups, and especially around women. It's going to take some time (and effort, and practice) to get comfortable (and confident) enough to actually attempt more than casual conversation at 2:30 in the afternoon. :P
Still, baby steps, I suppose. I'm assuming that time will be the deciding factor here.
You may absolutely feel awkward, but you seemed relaxed and self-assured when you were hanging out with us -- and really, we were pretty much strangers. Basically what I'm saying is give yourself a little credit.
And you totally could've gotten that girl's number, if you'd asked for it.
To be fair, the alcohol helped, not to mention that you are all legitimately cool dudes who are easy to hang out with. Maybe that will be something to aim for: move on from casual conversation to asking for a number.
Ok, H/A Seattle people. So, there have been a couple of nuggets of advice that I've been given here to help me feel emotionally better: get out and do something, go do things you normally wouldn't (or can't) do, meet people, spend some money on yourself...
...well, I'm about to do all of those things at once, and I wanted, as a show of my appreciation, to invite any PA'er in Seattle to come along; I wouldn't mind if it turned into kind of a "thank you H/A meetup".
I absolutely love Weird Al Yankovic (his comedy has shaped mine, and totally got me through parts of my childhood), and as it turns out, he's going to be at Benaroya Hall on tour next Thursday, the 16th. Normally, I wouldn't spend money on a concert (considering school starting soon, PAX, my ex's birthday, etc.), but, well, fuck that. I want to go. So, I wanted to ask if anyone else wanted to go, too.
Seat availability is kind of... spotty right now. There are actually plenty of seats, but all of the cheap ones (35$) are singles (surrounded by already-purchased seats); most of the areas with multiple seats together are 50$. That being said, it's not like I'm expecting everyone to sit as one big group: I'm more concerned with meeting up before / after for dinner / drinks or something (not like you can really converse during a concert, especially an Al concert). But, I still want to ask if anyone was interested in Al and would like a PA night out.
I'll probably get my ticket sometime in the next 3 days, but obviously this would be open until day of (tickets permitting). So... anyone want to meet up? :P
Ok, I'm at work now, so I can't write a full post until later tonight, but... Well, this weekend will be complicated. full details to come. And, they aren't good.
EDIT:
Ok, so here's what's going on. I just got an email from my ex saying that she wants to come by the apartment this Saturday afternoon and take stuff (anything smaller than "furniture", supposedly). The issue is, I don't trust this woman as far as I can throw her (which, with my frame, isn't very far); she's already taken a memento from my good friend's wedding AND... oh, just my Xbox. -_-
Not to mention, I know she wants to bring that (pardon the anger) motherf**ker she's having sex with to do heavy lifting, and I do not want that trash near my expensive things, nor near me. In no way do I want him anywhere in that apartment at any time until I'm gone.
So, my gut reaction is to tell her no. I know seeing her is a bad thing, and I know being near her probably isn't healthy, but damnit, I have *thousands of dollars* worth of things in that apartment, and she's already proven that she isn't to be trusted.
...thoughts? Advice? Really, any comments are helpful. Because, I really don't know what I SHOULD do, but I sure as hell know what I WANT to do: watch her like a damn *hawk*.
JackKieser on
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Inquisitor772 x Penny Arcade Fight Club ChampionA fixed point in space and timeRegistered Userregular
Stand up, close your eyes, and take a deep breath.
This is a good thing. It is another step in your ability to get this girl out of your life and move on with your own.
Get a big cardboard box, and find all of her things that she might want, and put them in the box. Be gentle. Think of this task as a metaphor for how you want to end the relationship - do you want to be a douchebag and break anything and everything, or do you want to walk away with clean hands and a blank slate?
Have the box next to the door so that when she comes by, she [or her new friend] can pick up the box quickly and leave. If she wants to make sure that everything is there, then watch her while she goes through the box, and then watch her while she gets anything you missed. I doubt it will come to that, though. Usually, people just do the awkward, "So this is everything?" "Yup." conversation and then come back later if they find out something is missing.
+6
MortiousThe Nightmare BeginsMove to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
I'd second that. Pack all her things yourself, don't break anything. I'd try and get the box to her, or have her pick it up from another location. Friends help with both of these. That should avoid the awkward situation, and won't have you seeming hostile if she wants to go into the house and you say no/follow her around.
If anything is missing, she can drop you a note.
While I wouldn't lie why she can't come to the house to pick them up, making plans to coincide so that you're "busy" could help if you don't want to be confrontational.
Stand up, close your eyes, and take a deep breath.
This is a good thing. It is another step in your ability to get this girl out of your life and move on with your own.
Get a big cardboard box, and find all of her things that she might want, and put them in the box. Be gentle. Think of this task as a metaphor for how you want to end the relationship - do you want to be a douchebag and break anything and everything, or do you want to walk away with clean hands and a blank slate?
Have the box next to the door so that when she comes by, she [or her new friend] can pick up the box quickly and leave. If she wants to make sure that everything is there, then watch her while she goes through the box, and then watch her while she gets anything you missed. I doubt it will come to that, though. Usually, people just do the awkward, "So this is everything?" "Yup." conversation and then come back later if they find out something is missing.
This is very reasonable. Set it out 15 minutes before she should get there, maybe prop the door open, play a video game, say "Hi," when they drop by and tell them to have a good one, you've gotta get back to something inside.
Walkerdog on MTGO
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
I usually only lurk in H/A, but I wanted to pop in and give you my best, Jack. I wish I were going to PAX this year so I could give you a hug. If you ever find yourself in the LA area for whatever reason, drop me a line. The drinks are on me.
Donovan PuppyfuckerA dagger in the dark isworth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered Userregular
Yeah, grab everything that's hers, stuff that you think may or may not be hers, even just shit you don't want anymore that reminds you of her. Box it up, put it on the porch, don't let either of them through the door. You don't even have to open the door if you don't want to, if she wants to talk to you she can do it over the phone, or later when you're feeling better/more up to it.
+1
JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
It's worth mentioning that you should get her off your lease.
You magnificent bastards. So much love. Jack, I have a feeling you're going to be just fine.
The only thing I'll reiterate is an air of confidence takes time and practice. And it's a rare person that ever stops truly feeling awkward.
EDIT: Seconding @chrishallett83's advice. You really don't need to take her into too much consideration beyond common courtesy and respect at this point.
Okay... I wouldn't even have her come by. I would gather up everything that's her's and take it to a mutual friend and have her pick it up there. Or to her parents if they are close by. Then you can have her give you an itemized list of everything she thinks is missing.
The only issue here may be what JC mentioned... if she's still on the lease she is likely (IANAL) still entitled to access the residence. You might want to remedy that post haste.
Also, good luck man. You sound like you're doing really well all things considered. This absolutely sucks I know, but you'll get through it stronger and more resilient then you were before.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
wrote:
When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
I second Sentry's suggestion - box the stuff, take it to a mutual friend's, have your ex pick it up from there. She gets her crap back, you keep her and her current dudeguy out of your home, and you wouldn't even have to so much as look at her, let alone talk to her. Win win.
I know she wants somebody there for help and emotional support, but she is making a loaded situation much worse with her poor judgement of bringing her new beau with her to her ex's house. Not cool. However, it's up to you to be the bigger man and deal with it. Do you have a friend who can be cool and have perspective to keep you company while she's there?
Do not put her stuff on the porch. That puts it at risk for being stolen and it IS your responsibility to keep it safe. You don't want to be in a court case over this. You want to get it over and done with. Do box it up nice and carefully. Let her see you've treated her stuff with respect. It may help diffuse the situation. She may want to walk through the house to make certain you've left nothing out. Let her, but don't let her wander unattended. If this comes to the worst situation she can always come back with a sheriff to get her stuff, but obviously that is the worst case scenario. You can request a sheriff too.
I also like the mutual friend idea. It's a good one IF the friend is trustworthy.
Another sucky thing to go through, but folks are right that it's ultimately for the good. The quicker you get this over with (without getting screwed), the quicker you can start healing.
I'll add to the pile of cut her out completely after anything potentially legal is over and done with.
Change numbers, emails, block facebooks, etc. Make sure that she can't contact you easily after this. It may seem kind of extreme, but this is a person that doesn't make healthy decisions when under emotional stress.
If it turns out her new toy is just messing around with her cause of her emotional state, then you really DON'T want her coming back your way tearfully apologizing and begging. Not that you'd be interested, but it could potentially turn into a case of hounding and stalking, eventually involving friends and family.
I've had this happen to me once before and it drains time, resources, energy, and emotions. She's not worth ANY of that noise. Sicarii is right, you dodged a hell of a bullet, duder, and you've got bigger and better things already on the horizon.
Hey, everyone. So, first, an update; just warning, though: this is going to be a long post.
After getting some great advice from you all and asking my IRL friends / family for advice, I concluded that packing her stuff up myself was the best course of action, although I wasn't sure if it would be better to have a mutual friend hold it for her or for her to come here and get it from me directly; there were pros and cons to both. I know that if I just gave it all to a friend, she'd still want to come here to get things that I would inevitably leave out (there's a lot, and I can't pack up furniture yet), so at best I'd postpone the real problem of her being unsupervised. If she got things from me, though, I'd still have the problem of being around her and dealing with her. A friend told me that the emotional pain of dealing with her in person is temporary, but stolen things last forever, so I decided to have her come get her already-packed stuff from me. I sent her an email to let her know, and even talked to the girl she stayed with for the first 2 weeks after she left to coordinate it.
I never heard back from my ex, and she never got her stuff. I didn't trust her, so I left my webcam on my PC running while I was gone to watch over the apartment, and she didn't even come when she knew I wasn't there. Her stuff is still here, so I'm probably going to try to get in touch with her friend again and see if she'll take what I have packed for now.
So, that was the weekend. Well, that an Naporeon getting me way too drunk on cheap tequila again. -_-;
Now, though, I have another thing to ask you all, and this one has some adult content.
So, I realized something while talking to Naporeon this weekend about the girl whose number I (apparently) totally could have gotten, but didn't, and it's actually fairly obvious in hindsight: I have a distinct lack of experience. I've been in 3 (including this ex) serious relationships in my life, and I've only done things in and pertaining to those relationships: I've only been on dates with those 3 women, and only had sex with those 3 women (and always after we were already committed). I've been rejected before, sure, but that was pithy crap from a Texas high school where I guy with my build who didn't play football didn't have a chance anyway; I didn't / couldn't recognize what someone being interested in me looked like because I've never been in a situation where a person I didn't know already was interested in me.
I know that in order to grow from this and be able to find the person I want, I need to know what I want, which means I need to get out there and experience things. I'm definitely not ready to experience dating yet, though; I'm still pretty emotionally shaken, and even if I had gone out with that girl last weekend, I doubt I would have been ready. I figure before I start dating, I need to detox and get my ex completely out of my system, or as close to that as I can. So... I want to start exploring my sexuality a bit. I figure (and many people have told me) that having sex and being intimate with other women will clear out my emotions a little and help me get back to a sense of normalcy.
I'm terrible at bars, though, and still awkward in traditional social settings. I'm not ready to learn how to woo yet. So... I've been considering Craigslist. I've never done that, though, so I'm concerned. I have no experience there, have no idea what to expect, and want, above all else, to be safe and smart. So, I come to you, H/A. I need to know, first of all, if Craigslist is even a viable choice for casual sex (I've heard many things about "cesspool" and such); would going onto Craigslist to find no-strings-attached sex with which I can explore what I like and can do be a safe, viable option?
If so, what should I look for / how should I use it? How would I be safe and smart about using it as a resource? Is there anything I should know about the community, or does anyone have any cautionary tales I can use to inform my decision-making?
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EshTending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles.Portland, ORRegistered Userregular
I'm terrible at bars, though, and still awkward in traditional social settings. I'm not ready to learn how to woo yet. So... I've been considering Craigslist. I've never done that, though, so I'm concerned. I have no experience there, have no idea what to expect, and want, above all else, to be safe and smart. So, I come to you, H/A. I need to know, first of all, if Craigslist is even a viable choice for casual sex (I've heard many things about "cesspool" and such); would going onto Craigslist to find no-strings-attached sex with which I can explore what I like and can do be a safe, viable option?
No. No no no. Nooooooo. No Craigslist.
Make an OkCupid account. There's a whole thread over in Debate & Discourse and they'll critique and help you craft a good and honest profile that'll maximize your chances of getting responses. Don't let it get you down though if you don't get responses right away. Women on there get messaged dozens of times a day each.
And while OkCupid isn't exactly (as far as I can tell) a good place for casual sex, I honestly after reading this thread don't think that's a good idea for someone as emotionally fragile as you.
EDIT: Here's the thread since it apparently won't let me edit in a hyper link and I'm too lazy to do it manually.
Jeez, people had a point; CL is kind of a crappy site. I was curious about how it worked, so I made a duped email and CL account to experiment, and it's all bots and scammers.
...today is the 4 week mark, and it's starting to take it's toll... It'd be nice if this was easier... and safer.
There are so many people out there in the same boat, it's not even funny. Here's what you do - you figure out who you want to be, then be that guy and just talk to women. Talk talk talk. Talk more. Eventually it will become no big deal, but remember: ALWAYS TRY TO GET A NUMBER. That said, you'll be throwing a lot of shit at the wall that doesn't stick, and that's normal. Just shrug it off, but learn each time. Never just say "fuckin' bitches dude".
Ok, everyone. So, I'm still taking advice on the above topic of casual sex and if / how I should go about it, but I have an update that I think would interest you all.
I just got off the phone with her mom. Yes, her mom. Her mother has actually been very supportive of me this whole time, despite me not being related to her. She's been paying the rent for me to have a place to live until I get my own place (it's paid for through Sept.), she's been checking up on me periodically through phone / email to make sure I'm ok, and she's been willing to give me advice (she's gone through some pretty nasty divorces, so she's got the experience). And, this conversation, we talked about the problem of splitting up possessions and my ex wanting me not here while she packs; her mother was VERY forthcoming, and told me a lot of things about my ex...
...namely, that she's been lashing out at people for not agreeing with all of her decisions 100%, especially concerning her new "person" and her trying to bring him here. My ex has gone so far as to yell at her mom and accuse her of betraying her for the crime of not agreeing that she's right.
I'm telling you this for two reasons: 1, because I think you'd be interested, and 2, because her mom suggested to my ex that she bring her great aunt to pack things instead of her new boy toy, and that she suggested to ME that I have my own advocate / friend here as well. According to her mom, she'll probably be by this weekend, although we don't know for certain because she's stopped listening to anyone who doesn't feed her the answers she wants.
So, there's the situation so far. Probably will see her on Saturday / Sunday, probably will get most of her stuff out, hopefully won't see her new toy, and need to find someone to be here with me. Do you guys agree with the advice? It seems pretty logical to have someone with me here if she will. As always, I welcome everyone's advice and thoughts.
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
I really don't think you're ready for a new relationship or sex right now. It's just my opinion, but you don't really seem it to me.
Don't jump into anything. Give yourself some time. Believe it or not, four weeks out of a relationship is still pretty fresh, especially if you lived with the person.
And when you really feel like that chapter of your life has ended and you can move on... for the love of a merciful deity do NOT move on to craigslist.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
I'm gonna add to the "no to Craigslist" pile this time, and further recommend that you actually stay away from "experimenting with your sexuality". This really isn't the time for that. Like others have pointed out, you're emotionally hurting right now, and it's just as easy for guys as it is girls to move from one bad relationship to the next, especially in the spirit of casual sex.
Your best bet is to take up a hobby that builds YOU. Do something you've always wanted to do now that you're gonna have extra time and money. I'm relaxing after a shoulder injury from jiujitsu, and planning on getting my open water scuba diving cert. I was so low on self esteem and good emotions before, that I never thought I would accomplish my dream of becoming a diver! Now I am! That's what you should be doing right now: empowering yourself! living your dreams! Meeting good, healthy girls that are into similar hobbies and arts as yourself.
You'll be healthier, more confident, and more attractive, so that you won't even need websites for casual sex.
As for the apartment situation, I guess I would recommend calling in a favor to a trustworthy, bouncer friend if you have one. It's unlikely that she's going to listen to her family and bring her aunt (another sign you dodged a crazy bullet when her own family is calling her out). She's probably intent on bringing the new guy as some form of childish, superiority display, which means you've got to be the better person by recognizing and prepare for that.
Remember! You're not losing a girl, you're gaining your freedom from a crazy creature. Your gain is his loss, let him gloat about it if that's what he wants. They may both likely do what they can to get your goat, and they may want to trash some of your stuff if they're both crazy enough.
You're definitely going to want someone there who is going to help control a bad situation, rather than escalate it. Failing any bouncer friends, just find someone trustworthy, strong, and not willing to fly off the deep end. There's likely to be a lot of emotions that day, and you need someone solid in your corner. If you're feeling responsible enough, carry some pepper spray just in case (although be wary of any pepper spray related laws!), and warn them that you're ready to call the cops at the drop of a hat if needed.
Expect the worst, be surprised when it turns out for the best. It's almost over. You're doing great.
My perspective is probably going to be a little different than some of the others here, being that I have spent some time around you now.
Normally, I'd agree with @ceres: you're not in an ideal place to be exploring new sexual or romantic partners. However, having spent some time around you, and gone back and forth with you a tiny bit over text and such, I don't really see the harm in it in your case. I would recommend against Craigslist, but otherwise I don't see a problem with you exploring this.
What I find confusing is this idea that you are bad in bars and other social situations. Having now spent several hours with you in a bar on a few separate occasions, I need to stress that how you feel is most certainly not how you seem to other people. You come across as clever, fun, laid-back, funny, and confident. And this isn't just with me and the other guys...this is also with the bar staff and the girl you spoke with.
As time goes by, and you have more and more conversations like the one you had with that girl, you...well, I guess the simplest way to put it is this: if you are speaking to a woman for 30+ minutes at a bar, and she engages with absolutely NO ONE BUT YOU in that time, you should absolutely ask for a number if you are interested. Rock-bottom worst-case scenario, she is just being friendly and shoots you down. However, in a place like Royal, where distractions are rife and opportunities to focus attention elsewhere abound, any conversation that long is a GREAT indication that she is interested, all by itself.
So my recommendation would be to focus less on sex, and more on having more conversations like the one you had. You come across as very with-it and self-assured, so that will not be a problem at all if you put yourself out there. Given time, more and more opportunities like the one you passed up will arise. Just have patience, buddy.
Sorry to triple-post, but this is a somewhat relevant update/postscript: @JackKieser just texted to let me know that he had a great time talking to a girl before and after the Weird Al concert, and subsequently got her number.
I am super happy for this kid, and how he's bounced back from a crappy situation. Seriously.
@naporeon speaks the truth. I did pull off getting a number last night. On my way from Will Call to the doors, her friend called me out for wearing the Pokewalker that I keep my garage key USB stick on, and I decided to strike up a conversation with them. After her talking to me for about 30-45 minutes, I figured out that she might be into me, though at the time I couldn't work up the courage to ask her for her number (that and I felt awkward asking because her friend was with her). During the preconcert, though, I decided that I would try to find her before she left the hall and ask her anyway.
I ended up finding her, and talked with her at Benaroya for about 30 minutes (until they kicked us out). Spent the next almost hour - hour and a half walking around downtown Seattle with her, just talking about stuff until my bus came. Before I left, I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me, and made sure to get mine, too, but not without telling me when she'd be free to hang next week.
We spent the next hour while she was on the bus conversing over texts.
It was nuts. I had no idea I could do that (get someone to talk to me that much that fast). I honestly didn't think I was ready or capable of getting a number from someone by myself yet; I was assuming that I'd need support for that. I guess I was wrong.
...I have to say, it's nice to have empirical evidence to support thinking I'm attractive / desirable or something. Whatever I am, it's positive, and that's a good thing to have evidence of.
So I've been following this thread without commenting because I'm not really qualified to give advice on this front, but I wanted to just chime in and say that I'm really glad things are looking up for you. I got my fingers crossed for ya, brother.
I was also at the Q&A and will verify that. Jack, I wish I could have found you afterwards to give you a big hug, but I stayed for Rooster Teeth (also an important thing). You're gonna be just fine.
Posts
Awwwww, thanks. I had a great time hanging out with you. You should absolutely join us next week -- we probably had a little more to drink than normal, yesterday. It was sort of a special occasion.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
With that being said, @JackKieser, I'm glad you were able to go out and enjoy yourself. Just getting out and doing things is a huge step in the right direction. You mentioned earlier you were going to PAX, well if you haven't looked into or signed up for the community events over in the PAX forums I would recommend checking those out as well. Us Seattle locals also do things throughout the year as well so it may be worth keeping an eye on that board at other times too. I've met some really good friends through those events.
I live over on the eastside, but feel free to send me a PM if you need to just get out and chill with people, there's usually something going on during weekends.
Still, baby steps, I suppose. I'm assuming that time will be the deciding factor here.
You may absolutely feel awkward, but you seemed relaxed and self-assured when you were hanging out with us -- and really, we were pretty much strangers. Basically what I'm saying is give yourself a little credit.
And you totally could've gotten that girl's number, if you'd asked for it.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
...I'll have to stay on Brad's good side. :P
...well, I'm about to do all of those things at once, and I wanted, as a show of my appreciation, to invite any PA'er in Seattle to come along; I wouldn't mind if it turned into kind of a "thank you H/A meetup".
I absolutely love Weird Al Yankovic (his comedy has shaped mine, and totally got me through parts of my childhood), and as it turns out, he's going to be at Benaroya Hall on tour next Thursday, the 16th. Normally, I wouldn't spend money on a concert (considering school starting soon, PAX, my ex's birthday, etc.), but, well, fuck that. I want to go. So, I wanted to ask if anyone else wanted to go, too.
Seat availability is kind of... spotty right now. There are actually plenty of seats, but all of the cheap ones (35$) are singles (surrounded by already-purchased seats); most of the areas with multiple seats together are 50$. That being said, it's not like I'm expecting everyone to sit as one big group: I'm more concerned with meeting up before / after for dinner / drinks or something (not like you can really converse during a concert, especially an Al concert). But, I still want to ask if anyone was interested in Al and would like a PA night out.
I'll probably get my ticket sometime in the next 3 days, but obviously this would be open until day of (tickets permitting). So... anyone want to meet up? :P
EDIT:
Ok, so here's what's going on. I just got an email from my ex saying that she wants to come by the apartment this Saturday afternoon and take stuff (anything smaller than "furniture", supposedly). The issue is, I don't trust this woman as far as I can throw her (which, with my frame, isn't very far); she's already taken a memento from my good friend's wedding AND... oh, just my Xbox. -_-
Not to mention, I know she wants to bring that (pardon the anger) motherf**ker she's having sex with to do heavy lifting, and I do not want that trash near my expensive things, nor near me. In no way do I want him anywhere in that apartment at any time until I'm gone.
So, my gut reaction is to tell her no. I know seeing her is a bad thing, and I know being near her probably isn't healthy, but damnit, I have *thousands of dollars* worth of things in that apartment, and she's already proven that she isn't to be trusted.
...thoughts? Advice? Really, any comments are helpful. Because, I really don't know what I SHOULD do, but I sure as hell know what I WANT to do: watch her like a damn *hawk*.
This is a good thing. It is another step in your ability to get this girl out of your life and move on with your own.
Get a big cardboard box, and find all of her things that she might want, and put them in the box. Be gentle. Think of this task as a metaphor for how you want to end the relationship - do you want to be a douchebag and break anything and everything, or do you want to walk away with clean hands and a blank slate?
Have the box next to the door so that when she comes by, she [or her new friend] can pick up the box quickly and leave. If she wants to make sure that everything is there, then watch her while she goes through the box, and then watch her while she gets anything you missed. I doubt it will come to that, though. Usually, people just do the awkward, "So this is everything?" "Yup." conversation and then come back later if they find out something is missing.
If anything is missing, she can drop you a note.
While I wouldn't lie why she can't come to the house to pick them up, making plans to coincide so that you're "busy" could help if you don't want to be confrontational.
It’s not a very important country most of the time
http://steamcommunity.com/id/mortious
This is very reasonable. Set it out 15 minutes before she should get there, maybe prop the door open, play a video game, say "Hi," when they drop by and tell them to have a good one, you've gotta get back to something inside.
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
I host a podcast about movies.
The only thing I'll reiterate is an air of confidence takes time and practice. And it's a rare person that ever stops truly feeling awkward.
EDIT: Seconding @chrishallett83's advice. You really don't need to take her into too much consideration beyond common courtesy and respect at this point.
The only issue here may be what JC mentioned... if she's still on the lease she is likely (IANAL) still entitled to access the residence. You might want to remedy that post haste.
Also, good luck man. You sound like you're doing really well all things considered. This absolutely sucks I know, but you'll get through it stronger and more resilient then you were before.
Do not put her stuff on the porch. That puts it at risk for being stolen and it IS your responsibility to keep it safe. You don't want to be in a court case over this. You want to get it over and done with. Do box it up nice and carefully. Let her see you've treated her stuff with respect. It may help diffuse the situation. She may want to walk through the house to make certain you've left nothing out. Let her, but don't let her wander unattended. If this comes to the worst situation she can always come back with a sheriff to get her stuff, but obviously that is the worst case scenario. You can request a sheriff too.
I also like the mutual friend idea. It's a good one IF the friend is trustworthy.
Another sucky thing to go through, but folks are right that it's ultimately for the good. The quicker you get this over with (without getting screwed), the quicker you can start healing.
Believe me, I've evaded that same kill shot.
Change numbers, emails, block facebooks, etc. Make sure that she can't contact you easily after this. It may seem kind of extreme, but this is a person that doesn't make healthy decisions when under emotional stress.
If it turns out her new toy is just messing around with her cause of her emotional state, then you really DON'T want her coming back your way tearfully apologizing and begging. Not that you'd be interested, but it could potentially turn into a case of hounding and stalking, eventually involving friends and family.
I've had this happen to me once before and it drains time, resources, energy, and emotions. She's not worth ANY of that noise. Sicarii is right, you dodged a hell of a bullet, duder, and you've got bigger and better things already on the horizon.
After getting some great advice from you all and asking my IRL friends / family for advice, I concluded that packing her stuff up myself was the best course of action, although I wasn't sure if it would be better to have a mutual friend hold it for her or for her to come here and get it from me directly; there were pros and cons to both. I know that if I just gave it all to a friend, she'd still want to come here to get things that I would inevitably leave out (there's a lot, and I can't pack up furniture yet), so at best I'd postpone the real problem of her being unsupervised. If she got things from me, though, I'd still have the problem of being around her and dealing with her. A friend told me that the emotional pain of dealing with her in person is temporary, but stolen things last forever, so I decided to have her come get her already-packed stuff from me. I sent her an email to let her know, and even talked to the girl she stayed with for the first 2 weeks after she left to coordinate it.
I never heard back from my ex, and she never got her stuff. I didn't trust her, so I left my webcam on my PC running while I was gone to watch over the apartment, and she didn't even come when she knew I wasn't there. Her stuff is still here, so I'm probably going to try to get in touch with her friend again and see if she'll take what I have packed for now.
So, that was the weekend. Well, that an Naporeon getting me way too drunk on cheap tequila again. -_-;
Now, though, I have another thing to ask you all, and this one has some adult content.
So, I realized something while talking to Naporeon this weekend about the girl whose number I (apparently) totally could have gotten, but didn't, and it's actually fairly obvious in hindsight: I have a distinct lack of experience. I've been in 3 (including this ex) serious relationships in my life, and I've only done things in and pertaining to those relationships: I've only been on dates with those 3 women, and only had sex with those 3 women (and always after we were already committed). I've been rejected before, sure, but that was pithy crap from a Texas high school where I guy with my build who didn't play football didn't have a chance anyway; I didn't / couldn't recognize what someone being interested in me looked like because I've never been in a situation where a person I didn't know already was interested in me.
I know that in order to grow from this and be able to find the person I want, I need to know what I want, which means I need to get out there and experience things. I'm definitely not ready to experience dating yet, though; I'm still pretty emotionally shaken, and even if I had gone out with that girl last weekend, I doubt I would have been ready. I figure before I start dating, I need to detox and get my ex completely out of my system, or as close to that as I can. So... I want to start exploring my sexuality a bit. I figure (and many people have told me) that having sex and being intimate with other women will clear out my emotions a little and help me get back to a sense of normalcy.
I'm terrible at bars, though, and still awkward in traditional social settings. I'm not ready to learn how to woo yet. So... I've been considering Craigslist. I've never done that, though, so I'm concerned. I have no experience there, have no idea what to expect, and want, above all else, to be safe and smart. So, I come to you, H/A. I need to know, first of all, if Craigslist is even a viable choice for casual sex (I've heard many things about "cesspool" and such); would going onto Craigslist to find no-strings-attached sex with which I can explore what I like and can do be a safe, viable option?
If so, what should I look for / how should I use it? How would I be safe and smart about using it as a resource? Is there anything I should know about the community, or does anyone have any cautionary tales I can use to inform my decision-making?
No. No no no. Nooooooo. No Craigslist.
Make an OkCupid account. There's a whole thread over in Debate & Discourse and they'll critique and help you craft a good and honest profile that'll maximize your chances of getting responses. Don't let it get you down though if you don't get responses right away. Women on there get messaged dozens of times a day each.
And while OkCupid isn't exactly (as far as I can tell) a good place for casual sex, I honestly after reading this thread don't think that's a good idea for someone as emotionally fragile as you.
EDIT: Here's the thread since it apparently won't let me edit in a hyper link and I'm too lazy to do it manually.
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/149703/internet-dating-who-is-your-favorite-duck-and-other-dating-questions/p1
...today is the 4 week mark, and it's starting to take it's toll...
I just got off the phone with her mom. Yes, her mom. Her mother has actually been very supportive of me this whole time, despite me not being related to her. She's been paying the rent for me to have a place to live until I get my own place (it's paid for through Sept.), she's been checking up on me periodically through phone / email to make sure I'm ok, and she's been willing to give me advice (she's gone through some pretty nasty divorces, so she's got the experience). And, this conversation, we talked about the problem of splitting up possessions and my ex wanting me not here while she packs; her mother was VERY forthcoming, and told me a lot of things about my ex...
...namely, that she's been lashing out at people for not agreeing with all of her decisions 100%, especially concerning her new "person" and her trying to bring him here. My ex has gone so far as to yell at her mom and accuse her of betraying her for the crime of not agreeing that she's right.
I'm telling you this for two reasons: 1, because I think you'd be interested, and 2, because her mom suggested to my ex that she bring her great aunt to pack things instead of her new boy toy, and that she suggested to ME that I have my own advocate / friend here as well. According to her mom, she'll probably be by this weekend, although we don't know for certain because she's stopped listening to anyone who doesn't feed her the answers she wants.
So, there's the situation so far. Probably will see her on Saturday / Sunday, probably will get most of her stuff out, hopefully won't see her new toy, and need to find someone to be here with me. Do you guys agree with the advice? It seems pretty logical to have someone with me here if she will. As always, I welcome everyone's advice and thoughts.
Don't jump into anything. Give yourself some time. Believe it or not, four weeks out of a relationship is still pretty fresh, especially if you lived with the person.
And when you really feel like that chapter of your life has ended and you can move on... for the love of a merciful deity do NOT move on to craigslist.
Your best bet is to take up a hobby that builds YOU. Do something you've always wanted to do now that you're gonna have extra time and money. I'm relaxing after a shoulder injury from jiujitsu, and planning on getting my open water scuba diving cert. I was so low on self esteem and good emotions before, that I never thought I would accomplish my dream of becoming a diver! Now I am! That's what you should be doing right now: empowering yourself! living your dreams! Meeting good, healthy girls that are into similar hobbies and arts as yourself.
You'll be healthier, more confident, and more attractive, so that you won't even need websites for casual sex.
As for the apartment situation, I guess I would recommend calling in a favor to a trustworthy, bouncer friend if you have one. It's unlikely that she's going to listen to her family and bring her aunt (another sign you dodged a crazy bullet when her own family is calling her out). She's probably intent on bringing the new guy as some form of childish, superiority display, which means you've got to be the better person by recognizing and prepare for that.
Remember! You're not losing a girl, you're gaining your freedom from a crazy creature. Your gain is his loss, let him gloat about it if that's what he wants. They may both likely do what they can to get your goat, and they may want to trash some of your stuff if they're both crazy enough.
You're definitely going to want someone there who is going to help control a bad situation, rather than escalate it. Failing any bouncer friends, just find someone trustworthy, strong, and not willing to fly off the deep end. There's likely to be a lot of emotions that day, and you need someone solid in your corner. If you're feeling responsible enough, carry some pepper spray just in case (although be wary of any pepper spray related laws!), and warn them that you're ready to call the cops at the drop of a hat if needed.
Expect the worst, be surprised when it turns out for the best. It's almost over. You're doing great.
Normally, I'd agree with @ceres: you're not in an ideal place to be exploring new sexual or romantic partners. However, having spent some time around you, and gone back and forth with you a tiny bit over text and such, I don't really see the harm in it in your case. I would recommend against Craigslist, but otherwise I don't see a problem with you exploring this.
What I find confusing is this idea that you are bad in bars and other social situations. Having now spent several hours with you in a bar on a few separate occasions, I need to stress that how you feel is most certainly not how you seem to other people. You come across as clever, fun, laid-back, funny, and confident. And this isn't just with me and the other guys...this is also with the bar staff and the girl you spoke with.
As time goes by, and you have more and more conversations like the one you had with that girl, you...well, I guess the simplest way to put it is this: if you are speaking to a woman for 30+ minutes at a bar, and she engages with absolutely NO ONE BUT YOU in that time, you should absolutely ask for a number if you are interested. Rock-bottom worst-case scenario, she is just being friendly and shoots you down. However, in a place like Royal, where distractions are rife and opportunities to focus attention elsewhere abound, any conversation that long is a GREAT indication that she is interested, all by itself.
So my recommendation would be to focus less on sex, and more on having more conversations like the one you had. You come across as very with-it and self-assured, so that will not be a problem at all if you put yourself out there. Given time, more and more opportunities like the one you passed up will arise. Just have patience, buddy.
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I am super happy for this kid, and how he's bounced back from a crappy situation. Seriously.
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I ended up finding her, and talked with her at Benaroya for about 30 minutes (until they kicked us out). Spent the next almost hour - hour and a half walking around downtown Seattle with her, just talking about stuff until my bus came. Before I left, I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me, and made sure to get mine, too, but not without telling me when she'd be free to hang next week.
We spent the next hour while she was on the bus conversing over texts.
It was nuts. I had no idea I could do that (get someone to talk to me that much that fast). I honestly didn't think I was ready or capable of getting a number from someone by myself yet; I was assuming that I'd need support for that. I guess I was wrong.
...I have to say, it's nice to have empirical evidence to support thinking I'm attractive / desirable or something. Whatever I am, it's positive, and that's a good thing to have evidence of.