Ex-Wife: How much should I help?

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  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    I am half wondering if shit is hitting the fan in that case and she's trying to wrangle more money out of you somehow as she realizes her mistake?

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    Doubt it. She needed that money up front, just to get her own apartment and stuff. Plus, up to this point, she hasn't tried to milk me for anything. My OP was more in the hypothetical, if she asks. She hasn't asked. So far all that's happened is a payment rearrangement and a loan from the new boyfriend, which helped her cover rent.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    Ah well, seems you're in the clear. You're already doing far more than I would've gnome.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    Threads like this make me happy my wife and I ended on good terms.

    Should this situation pop up again, pay 1 item (car or rent) directly outside of spousal support, and then walk away. If reordering your payments helps them out, then you don't need to pay 1 item.

    The logic I see in my head is that you have been doing your part as a father and honest man and have no obligation to go out of your way. Be in the interest of human decency, you feel the need to provide. So rather than give money to her and hope she uses it well, use your money to secure housing for a month or the vehicle.
    Fuck it, I don't know how people think, do what your heart tells you but know that your heart is human and quite illogical.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Oddly enough, we aren't on terrible terms. There is certainly tension there, and unresolved issues and shit...but we're mostly adult enough to put it aside on focus on the kid. It bubbles to the surface sometimes, but we're human...it's to be expected.

    The fact that we aren't on terrible terms, and that I don't hate her (despite being given every reasonable opportunity to), is probably why this was hard on me.

    GnomeTank on
    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • Reverend_ChaosReverend_Chaos Suit Up! Registered User regular
    You are being more than fair.

    I commend you for your actions and also your attitude.

    Doing more than what you have done I would would be inadvisable, IMHO - You have given her a hand-up at this point. Should you start giving her hand-out's she will begin to rely on you.

    “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    Oddly enough, we aren't on terrible terms. There is certainly tension there, and unresolved issues and shit...but we're mostly adult enough to put it aside on focus on the kid. It bubbles to the surface sometimes, but we're human...it's to be expected.

    The fact that we aren't on terrible terms, and that I don't hate her (despite being given every reasonable opportunity to), is probably why this was hard on me.

    It's pretty damn admirable that you're even civil with her. I know people who've been cheated on that have nothing but rage for their ex (who doesn't know someone like that these days). Yeah, it might be more cathartic for you to lash out and make one hell of a scene, but it says great things about your character that you're not.

    mts wrote: »
    heres how i see it being a total win situation for you
    1. stay with your wife while she dog sits. this wins husband points since she knows its out of your comfort zone
    2. have sex all over her friends house so that the next time you see her friend look at you condescendingly, you can wink back knowing you did the freaky deaky where she eats her cheerios.
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    Building on what Skeith mentioned, part of what you asked in the OP is whether or not you're being vindictive. Putting aside the specific solutions one might consider offering for your ex-wife's current financial circumstances, I think we have more than enough evidence to say that no, you're not. You might be the least vindictive person towards your ex in this thread.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments where I've raged at her and called her bad names and let my anger be known, but I had to get past it. Not for her mind you, but for myself and my daughter.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    It always bothered me that you even had to pay spousal support at all in cases of infidelity.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments where I've raged at her and called her bad names and let my anger be known, but I had to get past it. Not for her mind you, but for myself and my daughter.

    Sure, but the point is, are you holding a vendetta that prompts you to nurse a strong or excessive desire for vengeance? All signs point to no.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    It always bothered me that you even had to pay spousal support at all in cases of infidelity.

    It bothered me at first as well, but I got over it...one of those "Can't be angry about what I can't control" things. Thinking about it logically though, I sort of understand it. If infidelity were part of that equation, that's all everyone would scream "INFIDELITY", and then all the sudden it's a he said she said (or he said he said, she said she said), and phew...bad.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    edited September 2012
    edit: Yeah basically I think you're going the right course here. Are you legally allowed to have your daughter for an extended period of time with just the mom's ok? Or is there a legal component to that?

    Tox on
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  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    We both have full joint custody. We have a "parenting plan", if you will, that we can legally fall back on if we both become big dickbags and want to argue about it. I don't see that happening, which essentially leaves us free to do as we wish. If I was taking her for an extended period of time, I would still notify the court with a notarized letter signed by both of us, just so that no one could come back later and say something.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • Pure DinPure Din Boston-areaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2012
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    No, I'm not okay with it, given the circumstances. I'm understanding of her need to transition, but I'm not okay with her not speaking to me for weeks, then calling when she needs a quick cash infusion.

    If it came right down to it, and she absolutely needed the money to pay rent, I would probably bend...but I won't offer it. Call it pride, but I feel if that's the situation she's in, she should ask. My initial question was more: If she asks, am I dick if I say no?

    I still don't know what my answer would be right this very second.

    Sorry, I didn't mean ok in the "I'm good" sense, but the "life is difficult right now but haven't given up" sense

    To address your original question, it's your money and you can choose to say no. On the other hand it's not your job to punish her either. If she asks you for money and you want to give it, then don't worry about what society thinks she deserves, just do whatever you'll be at peace with. Money is a fantastic tool for solving other people's problems without getting emotionally involved in their lives.

    Pure Din on
    MentalExercise
  • FANTOMASFANTOMAS Flan ArgentavisRegistered User regular
    I also have a daughter that lives with her mother, this has been the situation for almost 13 years. I dont think its "being the better man" to help with some extra cash when the situation is required, and I would NEVER expect the new boyfriend to step up, because its not his daughter. And get used to it, there will be moments when you will have to put some extra cash, for school, extracurricular activities, or whatever happens in the future, I dont expect a golden medal for spending more money in my daughter than the judge requires from me.

    If you have the money to share, do it, dont expect special treatment in return, and you will see how you feel so much better.

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    It always bothered me that you even had to pay spousal support at all in cases of infidelity.

    It bothered me at first as well, but I got over it...one of those "Can't be angry about what I can't control" things. Thinking about it logically though, I sort of understand it. If infidelity were part of that equation, that's all everyone would scream "INFIDELITY", and then all the sudden it's a he said she said (or he said he said, she said she said), and phew...bad.

    You can, and it makes sense. Generally the only exceptions they make for that are when one parents gives up their career to raise a child. So, if your wife quit her job to be a stay at home mom, this is when they award spousal support.

    When infidelity of the wife is a factor, it tends to be "for a limited time to help you get back on your feet" approach. If the husband cheats, well, then it tends to be until they get married.

    And then, most of the time, they just never get married and you're in sort of this weird limbo where she's living with a guy for 18 years and you're trying to sue them for it (happened to my brother).

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    FANTOMAS wrote: »
    I also have a daughter that lives with her mother, this has been the situation for almost 13 years. I dont think its "being the better man" to help with some extra cash when the situation is required, and I would NEVER expect the new boyfriend to step up, because its not his daughter. And get used to it, there will be moments when you will have to put some extra cash, for school, extracurricular activities, or whatever happens in the future, I dont expect a golden medal for spending more money in my daughter than the judge requires from me.

    If you have the money to share, do it, dont expect special treatment in return, and you will see how you feel so much better.

    Well it's a good thing you didn't read any of this thread, and instead came at me with some passive aggressive BS about "medals" and "feeling special" for spending more money than the judge requires.

    Next time, I suggest you read the OP and the thread before you come at someone with the holier than thou attitude.

    GnomeTank on
    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
    EsseeApothe0sis
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2012
    Infidelity was the biggest cut off from my ex wife pursuing any type of spousal support.

    Obviously you should do best for your child, but you shouldn't support your ex outside of what is court mandated. This is part of the consequences of her behavior. She severed the relationship and her life is none of your concern. You're not a dick for denying her use of you person as an ATM.

    You're probably a chump if you do, though.

    Sheep on
  • grouch993grouch993 Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    May have no bearing on your situation Gnome, but an old acquaintance offered to help his ex-wife when she was in financial trouble and she used that to get more money via court declaration.

    So in shorter terms, no good deed goes unpunished.

    grouch993 on
    Steam Profile Origin grouchiy
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Yeah, the concern with additional money is the fucked up legalities w/r/to what the recipient might be able to sue you for. If she needs it, and if you're willing to give it, I'd make sure to seek legal counsel as to how that exposes you to risk. Perhaps only paying for stuff that supports your daughter directly (tuition, clothes, school supplies, medical bills, child care) may expose you to less risk, but IANAL.

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