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Revenge of the Strange & Embarrassing Moments
aquabat
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Oh yes, its that time again, folks. Make us cringe, make us applaud
The other day I was at work talking to my friend, Dan about this psycho-religious girl I know, Mel. I was telling the story how she had a big black dildo poked in her ear as a joke once and, due to her intensely sheltered life nearly vomited at the sight of a big black dildo. I was really going on about how this girl was annoyingly psycho-religious and how she only hated the dildo because it looked like it was from a black man.
About half way through I remembered the new trainee, Shankar, was sitting behind me.
Singaporean and wears a shiny gold crucifix around his neck. Hasnt said a single word to me since.
Ack.
The other day I was at work talking to my friend, Dan about this psycho-religious girl I know, Mel. I was telling the story how she had a big black dildo poked in her ear as a joke once and, due to her intensely sheltered life nearly vomited at the sight of a big black dildo. I was really going on about how this girl was annoyingly psycho-religious and how she only hated the dildo because it looked like it was from a black man.
About half way through I remembered the new trainee, Shankar, was sitting behind me.
Singaporean and wears a shiny gold crucifix around his neck. Hasnt said a single word to me since.
Ack.
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I came back right as my supervisor was arriving. So no time to relax. I just ran to another building and back and sat down right away, so I ended up sweating during the entire meeting. And the worst of it is, in the end, I didn't even need those papers.
"Mom, what's a hooker?"
She was gonna kill me right there on the spot.
I think I heard this story once before.
Ahh yes. Back in college, I had a girlfriend who was rather rebellious compared to the rest of her family. She had come from a Chinese-Catholic family who stick to tradition. Specifically, they already didn't approve of her dating a Mexican who was majoring in Linguistics (I was actually minoring in Ling and majoring in Architecture). Well, my girlfriend made a case for me in that I was as Catholic as they were, which I was not. I haven't been to church since I skipped out on my First Communion when I was 12.
Anyways, my girlfriend's sister was in this church group and was putting on a show about how following God can help people make the right choices. My girlfriend was being dragged to see it so I figured I should go with her so she wouldn't suffer alone. So we sat and watched this whole play. I remember one scene had some court convicting some killer who just so happened to be the judge's son. So the judge takes the electric chair for him (yeah that one boggled my mind).
So, after he play, my and my gf go up to say hi to her sis and make a run for my car. Well, guess who else was there to watch the play? Yep, my girlfriend's mom was near the exit. So aside from the mindless Chinese chatter and constant looks I was getting from her mom, I pretty much was praying to any God to help us out. It got even worse when her mom asked me questions about the play and so forth, almost testing me. Each reply garnered me more angry or dissappointed looks. As the room was clearing out, I managed to walk out with my gf and her mom towards my car (me being in a rush and all).
My gf is in the passanger seat and talking through the window to her mom while I'm putting our umbrellas in the backseat. As her mom walks away, I get in the car and managed to slam my forehead super hard as I sit down. That's when I yell out "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" super loud surrounded by Catholics in a parking lot while my girlfriend's Catholic mom is a few feet away from us.
Yeah...
I laughed so hard that my face hurt for two days.
I posted this story in G&T a while back, but I doubt most of you have seen it, so I'll post it here as well.
A few weeks ago I was at my dad's house for a couple of days. He was at a bar, and I wanted to play Intelligent Cube, so I decided to look for his PSX games. They were not in the drawer I expected them to be in, so I opened a random closet, and instead saw a pile of porn magazines. This did not describe me, as he is a 50 year old guy who doesn't live with his girlfriend at the moment.
On top of the magazines, though, was a 300 fucking page hentai manga, which I assume he bought on one of his 5 or so trips to Japan.
I'm not one to judge people for their tastes in porn, but it was kind of an odd thing to discover about my dad.
Oh well, at least it wasn't lolicon.
I'm going to say this picture will lead to some strange and embarrassing moments...for Rita "I'm a fucking stupid bitch" Cosby.
This black girl was really pissed at a guy for some reason and was reading him the riot act. She finished off her rant with ...And you can eat a big chocolate ass dick. That line would have been damn good by itself, but the moment she saw the teacher behind her was classic.
In the end she only received a lecture.
I remember this guy paid me $5 a few years ago to burn him a porn movie. Originally he wanted lesbian hentai (no dicks or I'll kill you!) but I didn't have any hentai. He was cool getting some regular porn though. The day after he got the disc he told me he only watched it once and then threw it out because he was scared his "ex drug cop dad" would find it.
Then yesterday a friend of mine was shocked when he found out I wasn't much of a hentai fan.
What's with people assume I'm a hentai buff?
And why did your friend even ask for the porn if he was that afraid of his dad finding it? That's silly.
Very much so.
And yeah, the unwashed masses generally assosciate 'anime' with 'cartoon porn'.
He also has a copy of Animal Crossing in his apartment.
One day I asked him if he could pop it in. He got a very strange look on his face and told me it was "for his girlfriend" and "I probably shouldn't touch it. Just in case."
The next day he wasn't home when I woke up, so I was bored. So I popped it in. His character was a girl in a dress, who walked out of his house. With a pink roof.
The house is filled with the pink and heart-covered Lovely furniture. The basement is filled with dresses. So many dresses. He has a beautiful flower garden around his house. THERE'S A STATUE OF HIM IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN STATION.
On the island that you sail to, the flag is a huge cock and balls.
Later I heard him loudly complaining to his girlfriend over the phone that he didn't have enough room in his house for 'all of my dresses' without 'messing it up, I don't want to get a bad score from the house checker association.'
Wait.
You mean that's NOT how you're supposed to play the game?
News to me.
All in all I thought it had turned out to be a pretty good day.
The next day however I had a message from one of my friends on the phone. You see he was the one who was the DD and had driven me and a couple of other friends back to town. He was also the one who introduced me to said cute girl.
Apparently I had called him no less than 30 times after getting home, trying to get that girl's number as I had forgotten to ask her for it. I also am told I accused him of stealing some cash from me that fell out on the river which is laughable since A: ot fell outon the river and B: he already has more money than he knows what to do with. I also realized that I had no idea if I had gotten along with that girl at all since I couldn't remember anything we talked about. Her name was pretty much the only thing I remembered. In fact when I saw her again at a party I didn't even recognize her. And when she tried to continue the conversation we were having I was forced to admit I had no memory of it whatsoever. She wasn't very amused.
Fun >_<
"This reminds me of how I found out that Father Christmas wasn't real."
I went on to tell the anecdote, embellishing it with humourous touches that I was really quite proud of. Talked for about 3 minutes. Then I noticed no-one was laughing, and some were actually giving me sour looks.
And I turned left, and saw my 4 year old cousin looking very confused.
Well now we need to hear the story in the story.
How'd you find out Father Christmas wasn't real?
But obviously to make that into a viable anecdote you have to tart it up a bit.
Did not notice: Was not in fact "pot," but instead "very large glass bowl."
Everything was going fine, the potatoes were cooking, the cheese goo was in. Then I added ice-cold milk. My sister ran downstairs to see what I was screaming about. "What's wrong, are you ok?"
The glass bowl had exploded (rather suddenly and loudly), and the kitchen was covered in milky-cheese-goo. I was dumbfounded but otherwise uninjured.
Took a few weeks to live that down
I was pretty nerdy, and had not really drank until I was almost 21. So my friend and I decide to get drunk (me for the first time). We get his brother to hook us up with some Wild Turkey and some hard lemonade.
We're in college, and my dormroom was as good a place as any. So my friend and I are getting wasted, my roommate is hilariously watching the whole thing (I did a lot of drunken dancing). Eventually, he starts inviting people over to watch., as well as his girlfriend. They get entertained, especially since I am pretty quiet, keep to myself.
We get a pretty good buzz going, by drinking 3/4 of the bigass bottle of Wild Turkey. We're just guzzling it straight out of the bottle. We top it off with the hard lemonades.
After all that, I'm feeling pretty wiped. so I just lay down. Mind you, I'm completely conscious and aware of the entire evening. Interesting side fact: I have never lost recollection, or vomited no matter how much I've drank, just a weird ability I guess. Hooray for generations of alcoholics in my family.
So my body is nearly paralized (can't do anything but lay, literally). I notice the bed starts shaking (we were in bunk beds). In my drunken haze, I'm like "there's no way that's what I think they're doing". I resign to the fact that it's probably nothing, when shortly later I hear some horendus vomiting noises coming from down below. It's my best friend puking his guts out. Not only that, but the bed keeps on shaking.
Turns out my friend was in fact puking everything he had eaten onto our floor (pizza), and my roommate lost his virginity while that was happening. Not only that, but my friend started screaming, "I'm going to die!!!" and "I want my mom!!!" in a drunken death yell. It took about an hour of him feeling like he was about to die before things calmed down, and he want and sat in the shower until like 8 in the morning.
This reminds me of the time when we got the quite nerdy guy in our dorms to drink out of the beer bong we had in our door room. He had never done much drinking, and he had definitely never hit a beer bong, but I'll give him this, the poor guy was determined. Unfortunately, every time he attempted it(4 times, i shit you not), beer would literally shoot out of his nose. This in turn would cause him to tear up and start crying, and then subsequently start laughing as we would all be absolutely busting up. So there's beer covering him and our dorm room floor, and various liquids streaming down his face. 4 times later though, still couldn't keep it down, beer out the nose every time.
Hahahaha, gold.
I did not realize that said "social thing" would be rollerskating.
I had not been rollerskating in at least ten years.
I am also the most uncoordinated sumbitch on the planet.
So I'm on skates, going around the rink in circles, trying to catch up with Lovely, who is quite visibly more comfortable on wheels than I am, attaining ever-higher speeds. I approached the corner, started to pull up next to her -
- a motherfucking contact falls out -
- I swerve to avoid a dark blob that may or may not be a person, lose my balance, flail around wildly, and go ass over teakettle in the opposite direction from Lovely, which shows that someone is listening to my prayers -
- three other people hit me -
- and all 150lb of me lands on my left wrist, which now appears to have a rather large tumor growing out of it.
And she ended up having a boyfriend anyway.
and my friend chimes in with "If there's anything better than tits, I don't want to know what it is." We say all this without turning around or anything. This chick then starts going on about "Yeah, I bet sixteen year olds see a whole bunch of tits, blah blah blah" So I turn around to make a retort, when I see this really fat, really ugly girl walking away. I decided that God had punished her enough, and kept my mouth shut.
I thought it was pretty strange and rude at the time.
My friend, let's call him P, then makes some compliment about his display. P has been doing martial arts for several years now, and although he's a bit short, he's built like an ox. B mishears him and thinks P just called him something racist. One thing leads to another, and B wants to beat the shit out of P. At first, P thinks he can take him on, but then realizes B's so drunk he wouldn't feel any pain and just keep on going. P runs for it while everyone else tries to hold B back. Cue a half-hour of people running around in the dark trying to make sure B doesn't find P. Finally, B goes back to the party area with some people and waits around for P to come back.
So there we are, sitting around, trying to convince B to leave. Suddenly, I hear the trampoline starting to squeak, but when I look there's no one jumping up and down on it.
Upon closer inspection, we notice a lump in one of the sleeping bags bouncing up and down. We all look at each other and laugh a bit, and go back to talking.
After a few minutes, they stop. We hear the sleeping bag unzip, so naturally, we look to see who it is. The guy pops his head out and glares at us. Being the teenagers we are, we immediately broke out in a rousing
"EEEEYYYYY!"
But the guy glares at us some more, then shushes us. He rezipped the sleeping bag, and starts going at it again. We grin and move elsewhere. My friend O goes "wait a second...they're in my sleeping bag..." He had the biggest D= I've ever seen.
B finally leaves, and P comes out of hiding in the trees. 'twas an interesting night.
I was finally moving out of my fucking mom's house. I'm busy packing the Uhaul with all my shit. In and out of the house over and over. One time as I'm walking out the door and they thought I was outside, I hear my mom tell her husband "Please cut out my hemmeroids for me!"
I screamed and almost threw up.
He suspects, but can't prove anything.
During said boning, a knock on my door interrupts. "I'm kinda busy!" To which my roommate and best friend at the door replies "I know man, but Daniel has company over... like... actual adults."
Turns out one of my roommates bosses had come over to see the house and apparently heard us having sex.
:oops: :oops: :oops:
Cass that was one of the most ohrrifying and hilarious things ever
All the movies were rearranged and switched around.
I do not want think of my mom or dad watching my porn.
I hate to tell you, but they were probably watching it even before you moved out.
On your bed
Cutting hemmeroids