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Clingy/Controlling girlfriend
Paper Monitor
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Like the title says, I have a clingy and controlling girlfriend.
The clingy part is mainly that I am almost always in contact with her. At work, at school, at home, always. We usually see each other from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning each week, and that entire time is spent with each other, unless I am at work, in which case she is texting me. When we are together, I have to cater to her, because if I do something that doesn't interest her, like watch a show that she doesn't like, she gets bored and starts demanding I take her somewhere to entertain her. I love her, but after all this time together, I always want some time alone, but I can't get it. If she wants to talk or see me, I have to respond or drive to her house without complaint, or she gets upset and argues with me for hours about how it doesn't feel like I love her. She personally doesn't like to be alone, so she thinks it is weird and shady that I want to ever be alone or not talk. Right now, we are having a big fight because she wanted me to come and see her after I got off work, but I wanted to go and get her tomorrow when I wake up. We have been fighting about it for about two and a half hours at this point.
The controlling part is pretty much all female related. I have had to delete every single female from my Facebook and my phone, unless they are a relative, or one of her friends. At first, it was just girls that I had crushes on in the past, or had done anything physical with. Then it became girls that she thought were too attractive. Then it was just every girl. Some of the people I had to delete, I had been friends with for over a decade, and she will still get angry at the very mention of other's names. She has told me I am never allowed to make new female friends, or hang out with any of my male friends if there are women present, unless she is there. She will be upset with me if thinks a cashier flirted with me. I am not allowed to watch porn. And I am not supposed to speak with any female unless strictly necessary, even to the point where I'm supposed to ask my professors to put me in different groups for group work if my group contains a girl. Speaking to girls in the WoW guild she had me join is also banned, as is talking to a girl on any forum. She doesn't like me watching shows that feature women that she thinks I find attractive, but I am allowed to watch those as long as she is not present.
I really do love her, and I am normally happy with her. We're both in our mid twenties, this is my first relationship, she has had several before me. I realize this looks really bad written out like this, but I don't want to break up with her. When we are actually together and she isn't upset, I really love being with her. I just wish there was some way to like...get her to understand where I am coming from on the personal space issue, and maybe get her to understand that I can talk to a girl without having sex with her. Any suggestions?
The clingy part is mainly that I am almost always in contact with her. At work, at school, at home, always. We usually see each other from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning each week, and that entire time is spent with each other, unless I am at work, in which case she is texting me. When we are together, I have to cater to her, because if I do something that doesn't interest her, like watch a show that she doesn't like, she gets bored and starts demanding I take her somewhere to entertain her. I love her, but after all this time together, I always want some time alone, but I can't get it. If she wants to talk or see me, I have to respond or drive to her house without complaint, or she gets upset and argues with me for hours about how it doesn't feel like I love her. She personally doesn't like to be alone, so she thinks it is weird and shady that I want to ever be alone or not talk. Right now, we are having a big fight because she wanted me to come and see her after I got off work, but I wanted to go and get her tomorrow when I wake up. We have been fighting about it for about two and a half hours at this point.
The controlling part is pretty much all female related. I have had to delete every single female from my Facebook and my phone, unless they are a relative, or one of her friends. At first, it was just girls that I had crushes on in the past, or had done anything physical with. Then it became girls that she thought were too attractive. Then it was just every girl. Some of the people I had to delete, I had been friends with for over a decade, and she will still get angry at the very mention of other's names. She has told me I am never allowed to make new female friends, or hang out with any of my male friends if there are women present, unless she is there. She will be upset with me if thinks a cashier flirted with me. I am not allowed to watch porn. And I am not supposed to speak with any female unless strictly necessary, even to the point where I'm supposed to ask my professors to put me in different groups for group work if my group contains a girl. Speaking to girls in the WoW guild she had me join is also banned, as is talking to a girl on any forum. She doesn't like me watching shows that feature women that she thinks I find attractive, but I am allowed to watch those as long as she is not present.
I really do love her, and I am normally happy with her. We're both in our mid twenties, this is my first relationship, she has had several before me. I realize this looks really bad written out like this, but I don't want to break up with her. When we are actually together and she isn't upset, I really love being with her. I just wish there was some way to like...get her to understand where I am coming from on the personal space issue, and maybe get her to understand that I can talk to a girl without having sex with her. Any suggestions?
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Read that middle paragraph out loud to yourself. Don't leave a forwarding address. Change your phone number.
You've listed several examples of emotional blackmail, badgering behavior, and flat-out unhealthy activities. At this point, she has it firmly in her mind that you will do any- and everything she wants you to, so if that suddenly changes or if any exception to that rule applies it will register to her as you no longer love her. And that will only lead to fights and more problems.
Make a clean break. Sit her down, explain to her you feel like she is too controlling, and that you have no personal space, and that she is making you extremely unhappy, and that you need to stop seeing her. She's going to argue, a lot, and want to know "what she did wrong" (even after you give her examples).
Good luck, but trust it's for the best, in the long run. That lifestyle cannot, in anyway, be sustained on your end, and the longer you wait, the unhappier you will be.
e: To clarify:
That right there? That's abuse.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Is she likely to take a swing at you? Probably not, but physical violence isn't the only type of violence there is. You need to understand that the relationship as it stands isn't healthy. You both need counseling, couples and separately if you have any chance of turning this into a healthy relationship.
Personally, I'd advise you to leave her. First love isn't the only love you will have in your life. You deserve the chance to experience a healthy relationship.
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While I wouldn't go that far, I agree its time to walk away.
That is in no way a healthy relationship for anyone to be in and things will only end badly for you. I know its your first relationship and all but its time to issue a ultimatum, either she works out whatever insecurity complex she has or you walk.
I'm also going to echo what others are saying about it being an abusive relationship, while not physical it is a mentally/emotionally abusive one.
Walk away.
I spent 5 years in a similar relationship. I was miserable, but I told myself that I loved her and that if we tried hard enough she'd eventually see the light and stop being crazy. It never happened.
The only way she'll change is if SHE WANTS TO, and odds are she absolutely does not, even if threatened with the possibility that you'll leave her. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with her behavior, and she very possibly never ever will.
Get out of there as soon as you can. For your own sake.
But you need to set some boundaries. You need to communicate these things to her. You can't dictate what is going to be acceptable to her in a relationship, but you CAN dictate what is going to be acceptable to you. What is your breaking point? Are you there? You should get a feel for that, and then once you've done that you need to communicate it.
If you need a little space, you need to say "I need X amount of time to myself or I just can't function." She can think it's weird all she wants, but it's what you need. If she won't hear you out and can't respect that on any level... you have problems.
If you want female friends, there is no reason you can't say "I need to be able to choose my own friends without you giving me a hard time about it." She can think it's weird all she wants, but it's important to you (and it sounds like she's getting weirder about this every day). She needs to hear it and respect it, and if she can't then you have big problems; this one is really going nowhere you want to be, just trust.. all of us on that. She does not trust you even after all this time even to watch TV, and that is rotten.
If in the end she will not hear you without getting defensive or angry or fighting with you, you need to think about getting out because this is a compatibility issue and will affect your long-term happiness. There are people out there who don't mind very clingy, and also people who don't mind having their friends dictated to them. She should be with one of them, and you probably deserve to be with someone who will not harangue you about a cashier. But you need to start by communicating that this is serious, and she needs to hear you out. If that can't happen and you won't break up with her you are in for a lifetime of stress.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but if she won't even talk to you so you two can try to fix it then there is no fixing it.
But yeah, seconding the "talk to her calmly and reasonably about it" approach if you really want to try and save it. Who knows, she might surprise us. If she doesn't...well yeah.
I won't say that it's impossible that you could restablish a relationship of equality with her at this stage, but I find it extremely unlikely. Since the behaviour you describe almost invariably arises from massive insecurity, it's possible you might be able to become the dominant party, depending on how dependent on you she really is. But an equal partnership...? I doubt she's capable of being in such a relationship. In fact she probably wouldn't even recognise it or accept it as a "real" relationship.
Since you're currently unable to communicate with her honestly without letting her bait you into fighting (classic diversionary tactics, by the way) I suggest you just ignore her for a couple of days* so that you can calm down, get your head straight and think about what you really want. If you're genuinely interested in salvaging the relationship, and you don't mind the idea of being a dominant partner, then wait for her to come to you - by which I mean physically come to your house; phone calls and texts are bullshit here, and they'll just be an attempt to call you to heel - and lay down the rules. Don't let her get you arguing, because you'll lose. It's not an argument, it's a take it or leave it offer which she can accept or not. Inevitably, she will get super mad at you. Be prepared for this, and stay calm at all costs.
When she sees that you really mean it, she'll either dump you on the spot, or she'll start turning on the emotional blackmail. If I read her correctly, you'll have about 12-36 hours before you get the call/text that you're driving her to suicide (90%) or quitting her job / leaving home/ moving to Canda (10%). It would be good if you could arrange for someone else to keep an eye on her or check up when this inevitable, time-honoured classic emotional blackmail play is made. Be prepared to spend time and effort for the remainder of your relationship keeping an eye out for other attention/dominance ploys, particularly sleeping around behind your back.
*Oh, and why not spend some of those couple of days calling your old friends and reminding yourself that there are people who like you and think that you're worth liking.
If you're referring to my advice, you'll see that the "game" I was talking about was being absolutely honest and forthright. I'm as disgusted by PUA bullshit as I expect you are, but that's not what I was talking about. Being the stronger person isn't being dishonest; in fact it's based on being honest about the type of relationship that can reasonably be expected with someone who doesn't have the self-esteem and emotional security to accept equal partnerships. Stronger/weaker partnerships are not necessarily abusive, but a partnership where the stronger partner is also horribly insecure, controlling and needy will always be unhappy.
I honestly think the best solution for you is to end it and move on. If you're serious about trying to make things work you're probably going to need some sort of professional help. By which I mean she will need some professional help, but it's something you'll have to go through together. And frankly you could probably profit from it too; it is entirely possible if not likely that you've suffered some psychological harm from being in a relationship of this nature.
Disclaimer: I am not any sort of professional nor do I have vast stores of experience to draw on.
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You have to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Discuss the future and if this continues how it will affect your future together. Hell, even show her this thread. Let her know how irrational she is being. And give her two options: 1. Trust you and let things be normal. 2. Break up. Cause those are literally your only options. Keeping things the way they are is not an option. It's not healthy and will only lead to fights in the future.
I don't like to say "Just break up," but I have to agree with the consensus here. Trust issues are something that she's going to have to sort out on her own, outside of a relationship.
You need to break up and move on
I bolded above a little adjustment from what you posted. Do you really love her when she's trying to control who you can see and when she guilt's you into doing something you don't want to do, like seeing her when you want alone time?
Ask yourself this, "Do I think she will ever change?" And be honest about it because right now I bet you've thought about this already and there is a little voice in your head with hope that she will grow out of it or that she'll get more confident and more self esteem and it won't bother her.
It's not going to happen. Look at the link Elin posted, read the stuff that an abusive partner does and then look at your post again.
Get out now. The longer you stay in the relationship, the worse it'll get and the harder it'll be to break things off.
Seriously, I know this is your first real relationship, but this isn't how they're supposed to work.
Bottom line is you deserve better than to be treated this way.
This? This right here is a textbook abusive relationship.
My advice would be to end this relationship, and when you do eventually start seeing someone else nip any crazy shit in the bud immediately.
Also, the way you've described things escalating? That's not going to stop. Her demands will continue to become more and more unreasonable, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to meet them, because you can't. People like this are broken, and they will break you too unless you get out. It does not get better.
I'm not sure what you love about her. Some people are happy in relationships where they have no agency or independent friends, and where the other person dictates "rules" for the relationship that must be met. They're the minority, though, and in general people view relationships as a way to share their life, not to become subservient to another person.
You are in an unhealthy relationship bordering on abusive. It would be different if you were fine with her control, but you clearly aren't.
Some of the stuff she wants you to do is somewhat reasonable / normal - avoiding relationships with women you've had cruses on or been physical with, no porn, wanting to spend time with you. Those are things that, if you are compatible with them, are fine to give in and compromise on. A little jealousy every now and then, even if it's not entirely reasonable, isn't a big deal either.
The rest of this stuff is classic abusive behavior. You may have been able to nip it in the bud if you put your foot down as it came up, but that's past. If you stay with her, it will be a constant battle of jealousy, control, and unhappiness. She'll isolate you and it will escalate from women, to the friends of yours she doesn't like (which will eventually be all of them), your family (she's not going to like them either). You'll end up seeing your family as little as possible, and fighting about it every time. It'll be miserable - this isn't how relationships work.
I didn't catch how long you have been with her, but it's probably not long enough to be worth trying to salvage your relationship. This is the kind of issue that takes extensive therapy / counseling and work to 'fix'. You aren't married, aren't living together, don't have kids? Move on. It'll suck for a little while, you'll probably be lonely for a little while, but you'll get past that. Eventually you will meet someone who makes you happy.
Ok not to nitpick, but I disagree.
If you are able to be friends with an ex there is no reason your partner shouldn't be able to trust you to be friends with them, yes jealousy could possibly be an expected response but as an adult in a relationship you get through that by acknowledging the jealousy, discussing it openly with your partner and then moving on, not completely denying them access to a subset of humanity because of your insecurity.
And you know what--porn happens. Porn, in reasonable quantities and of non-illegal content, is fine. If somebody has an ethical problem with porn, again, you talk through it and make accommodations to find something acceptable. If you have jealously or trust issues about porn, have that conversation. If you tell your partner "NO PORN", there's not going to be no porn, there's just going to be a frustrated person trying to hide their porn and then a huge blowup about lying when it comes to the surface that porn is still being consumed.
From what I've seen in the OP it might not even be possible for her to get the help she needs while she's with you, depending on how she reacts to your discussion (not what she says)
The point isn't how you feel as an individual about those things. Jealousy is a normal emotion, and porn and relationships with ex-partners are examples of common issues. That can be dealt with and discussed...that's why I said 'if you are compatible with them', not 'you should always give in on these points'.
Give and take, where both sides occasionally give into a request they think are unreasonable? Part of being in a healthy relationship.
One side continually giving into requests that get more demanding and controlling while isolating that side from their peers? Not healthy.
I was in this same boat and it took me 5 years too long to jump ship. It'll get ugly when you break it off. Don't be me!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT? Were those people not really your friends? How could you do that to them? Did they mean that little to you?
And all you really seem to be complaining about is that she wants to spend too much time with you. Christ.
I would still have reversed genders try to talk it out, frankly. I think everyone has a responsibility in any two-way relationship to communicate problems they're having in the relationship, and the only time I would change that is if the other person in question is a substance abuser or the OP is very scared of them. It really sounds to me like the OP has caved on a lot and never really sat down and said to his girlfriend "you know what, this is not okay with me because these are my needs and they aren't be met under these circumstances." It doesn't sound like she's an alcoholic to me, or like he's scared of her, he's just afraid of losing her to the extent that he hands her what she wants when she asks for it. That courage is something he needs to muster if he wants to try to save things, or he can just break up, but he said he doesn't want to.
I can tell the OP that keeping you fighting is definitely something that an emotionally abusive person will do. It is something that doesn't seem like a big deal and may at first look like the person is having a bad day. It wears you down, saps your energy for approaching any subject until you are walking on eggshells. This is something I lived through, and something that, years later, I needed a whole lot of therapy for and still probably still do.
My problem with this advice is not the first part, which sounds somewhat reasonable to me, but the second, which you even note is dishonest. It is as emotionally manipulative as what his girlfriend is currently doing, and if you have to spend your relationship trying to out-manipulate the other person... it's just a poor situation to be in. If it were to come to this, I do not think it's worth it, not only from a mental energy standpoint, but also because he will really have to sink to her level. It's not a good pattern to start. Very few first relationships are "only relationships," and this isn't a way of thinking you want to bring into your next one.
Wait, what? No. Read through the OP completely before you post.
Unfortunately.. I have. And my relationship was totally fine when he wasn't upset, I just had to be very, very careful not to make him upset, and it was all good. And then after a while he would get upset even if I thought I'd done everything right that day, and so I would spend time trying to figure out what I did wrong. None of that really began until after I'd started living with the guy, though, and then it was a lot harder to get out of. And then after a while it wasn't just him hating all my friends anymore (especially the male ones, who were all trying to sleep with me in his head, but he had terrible things to say about my female friends as well, and he never outright said "don't see them", he was just impossible when I did), I wasn't to talk to our mutual friends either, because I might say something and then they'd think badly of him. He would read my chat logs until I figured it out and hid them. And then it wasn't just that anymore. But you get used to things, in stages like that.
This was exactly my experience as well with my ex. Please break up with her, she doesn't trust you, or see you as a person with feelings.
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He did it because it's easier to give in to her demands then to have a HUGE fight about it that does not end until he gives in. This sounds like my Ex-Wife. Not only have I been where you have been, but I married her thinking it would fix the issue. I know you love the person that she is ****disclaimer*** as long as you are following all of her rediculous rules.
Beak up with her. Don't walk, RUN. Seriously.
It's too late for her to change. If you are too scared to dump her, then draw a line in the sand so to speak and tell her "I will be doing *THIS*" (*THIS* being whatever it is that she doesn't let you do that really bugs you.) and she will either change or she will break up with you instead. Seriously. This is how I divorced my wife, I am ashamed to say. Happiest day of my life though.
I know it's scary, and seems like a bad answer to a terrible situation, but ask yourself this. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life living by her ever increasing set of rules? Do you really? Because they will only grow more restrictive, not the other way around. If so, tape your junk down and put your sun dress on. If your answer is no, then cut her loose. Delete her, and block her from Facebook and any other social media where you are linked. Set your stuff on Private since I guarantee that she will stalk you online. Do not call, do not exchange texts. She is a cancer that needs to be excised. Do so thoroughly and with precision.
I know this may come off as overly harsh, and while the words are written *TO* you, the anger I feel towards your situation is based on my own personal feelings and is not directed at you, OP. Don't become bitter and resentful. Become free.
Sure, try counseling(of which I am a big fan) but this is something SHE needs not something THEY need. This isn't a problem they are having in the relationship, this is a problem SHE is having, full stop. (If she even agrees to go to counseling...she may not even think she has a problem) This isn't going to be resolved by him standing his ground and I wouldn't want to stay in an abusive relationship while she's getting her shit straight, cause straight shit doesn't happen overnight. Thank you hindsight.
Also, not helping in this matter is that this is the OP's first relationship. He's going to put up with a lot more shit than most because of that.
I wouldn't tell my sister to stay with a guy who was doing these things to her so I can't justify telling you that either.
Yes.
Yes, this, all of this, been there and god that was an awful time in my life
Five years after getting out of that relationship I am still dealing with the mental fallout, and probably will be for the rest of my life