I don't think I've ever seen a thread so in agreement with regards to advice. I've also never seen an OP totally disregard said advice, even from people who have lived through exactly what OP is going through right now.
I think we've said all we can. If OP doesn't want to listen, I guess he wants to learn the very hard way.
I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.
And during the course of this fight, I kind of stood up to her and said "i think your jealousy is bordering on abuse!" (i kinda wimped out), and her rezponse was just "i dont think it is", and then she just moved on. Which wasn't quite the response I had hoped for.
The fight also got her to clarify
what she considers to be inappropriate in regards to her male friends. Unless her and a guy had sex previously, and currently talk several times a month, it is ok. So oral only and daily conversations are ok, as is had sex and talk every few months. But not both. She then reiterated her stance that any contact between me and any girl other than bare necessity is wrong.
Also, she made sure I knew what made her think I was so untrustworthy. 2 years before me and my girlfriend,met, I started talking to a girl on okcupid. I liked her, but she.just liked me as a friend, so nothing ever happened. I still liked her for a few months, then she just became a friend, the one who really encouraged me to keep meeting girls. So I meet my girlfriend, and I am still friends with this girl. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we met through a dating site. She found out 5 months into our relationship, and now says I was lying to her the entire time. I admit, I should have told her sooner, but still, I would expect this is normally a "minor annoyance" level thing, not "all women are suspecy" thing.
Oh, and she has been cheated on. She has also cheated on an ex, and been the person a guy has cheated with. I'm thinking her familiarity with cheating makes her suspect it constantly.
You need to end this relationship now for you own well being.
In retrospect you will (and I promise what little savings I have) realize this is for the best.
Its ok to be scared of being alone. That's completely normal but to an outside observer, you being on your own is a way better to be in compared to the current situation.
In seriousness, fucking run. Run for the hills and never look back.
Edit: And for your future reference, if a girl you're dating ever says "you're not allowed to have female friends"...well that should be a deal breaker.
Also, she made sure I knew what made her think I was so untrustworthy. 2 years before me and my girlfriend,met, I started talking to a girl on okcupid. I liked her, but she.just liked me as a friend, so nothing ever happened. I still liked her for a few months, then she just became a friend, the one who really encouraged me to keep meeting girls. So I meet my girlfriend, and I am still friends with this girl. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we met through a dating site. She found out 5 months into our relationship, and now says I was lying to her the entire time. I admit, I should have told her sooner,...
No! No you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have told her at all unless it came up as an amusing story at the pub one day. The mere fact that you even entertain the notion that it is reasonable that you should give a new girlfriend dossiers on all your female acquaintances within the first five months of dating is extraordinarily alarming. The fact that she is not ok with you having female friends for any reason at all, let alone such a flimsy one, and that she wants you to view her male friends the same way is bat-shit insane but you buying into it is terrifying.
Get out and get out now, you are on the verge of some serious psychological scars that will make future relationships a lot more difficult.
Wii Code:
0431-6094-6446-7088
+5
zepherinRussian warship, go fuck yourselfRegistered Userregular
Am I the only one who thinks that this may be a form of psychological projection?
Maybe that is a bit much, but that is kind of how it sounds to me.
0
Giggles_FunsworthBlight on DiscourseBay Area SprawlRegistered Userregular
As somebody who has had a relationship with a girl who shares the barest similarities with this one, all the negative bits but diluted so much they're almost unrecognizable, I would be incredibly surprised if she hasn't had somebody else's dick inside her while you've been with her.
Maybe if the prolonged, chronic emotional abuse doesn't bother you being cuckolded will? In any case, wrap your shit up if you decide to continue sticking it in this abusive ball of crazy because I'd put money on the fact she's sleeping around on you.
Also paper, people who are abusers rarely are cognizant of the fact they're abusing someone. Telling someone they're bordering on an abusive situation just makes them respond the way she did. She doesn't think it is. Well you do. That's all that matters. If you two have conflicting views on abuse, don't meet halfway. You already have done that.
I can tell you right now, just like Tube did, that this is flat out abuse, you are a battered boyfriend, without the punching. I'm also going to tell you this is going to escalate. Abuse tends to start out as mental manipulation. With guys, the relationship tends to be "stay at home" and forces the woman to be a housekeeper and lose out on experience in the working world, this comes full circle when the physical abuse starts and they try to leave... they can't get a job so they're basically stuck if they have no support network.
So how this is playing out with you is she's emotionally manipulating you to need her. Just like the man manipulates the woman to need him. She's going to tell you you're worthless, have you get rid of your friends who are female (whom you could potentially build a relationship with in the event of a breakup), and flat out make you a social pariah. She's going to make you need her because you're so inexperienced with girls you're going to think this is okay and are worried no one will find you attractive.
Keep in mind she found you attractive, so obviously, she's wrong. You need to bail ASAP. This is how the game starts.
Eventually she will have it so you don't have any friends you can spend time with. Male or female. You will not win this game.
Think of it like a pot of water that is slowly boiling. You won't notice you're being cooked alive until it's too late. But if she dumped it all on you at once, you'd know it.
I've seen a lot of pots of water boil, so, trust me at least, if you trust no one else here to be honest with you. No one here has anything to gain by lying to you.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
As somebody who has had a relationship with a girl who shares the barest similarities with this one, all the negative bits but diluted so much they're almost unrecognizable, I would be incredibly surprised if she hasn't had somebody else's dick inside her while you've been with her.
Maybe if the prolonged, chronic emotional abuse doesn't bother you being cuckolded will? In any case, wrap your shit up if you decide to continue sticking it in this abusive ball of crazy because I'd put money on the fact she's sleeping around on you.
These types of relationships almost always use a child to gain something from the other, as well, so, don't trust her to take birth control and make sure you dispose of condoms in a way that can't be used to squeeze sperm out of them. I wish I was kidding.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
I've been following this thread for a while and I would only give advice that echo's what everyone else here has said, but the insane double standard should be the biggest warning flag of all.
For your sake I hope you leave this person as it seems that she is making you miserable and that will only continue as she refuses to acknowledge what she is doing.
If you are determined to stick it out, which is a very bad idea mind you, the best this thread can offer you is some grounding in reality. To wit, the following things are not at all ok and if a reasonable person thought that the only way to salvage a relationship was to do any of these things a reasonable person would leave the relationship:
-Forbidding all but the most unavoidable contact with the opposite sex.
-Expecting your significant other to reveal all details of their past relationships, romantic or otherwise, with people of the opposite sex without any prompting.
-Expecting your significant other to share in your point of view when that point of view is seated firmly in your own poor mental health.
-Searching through your partner's browser history, email or phone.
-Refusing to allow your partner space.
-Expecting your partner to drop everything to attend to your needs.
-Forbidding your partner to masturbate.
I just want to point this out because you seem to be coming around to the point that this stuff seems normal to you and it isn't. Any one of these points would make a normal, reasonable person say "What the fuck?" which is why you're getting the response you're getting in this thread. This stuff is not quirky or eccentric or just her personality, it is barking insanity. This is not hyperbole. People are not over-reacting at the stuff you're saying. This is a low-key response by people with a world view unwarped by the crazy you've been exposed to.
In a real relationship you spend some time alone occasionally. In a real relationship you only ask your partner to drop everything and come over in an emergency. In a real relationship each partner can stand on their own and lend support to their mate in times of trouble. In a real relationship both sides' feelings are important. In a real relationship you trust your partner because if you can't meet that basic test then you aren't in a relationship and just need to fucking end it.
Paper, after reading your most recent post there just isn't much to say except run - don't walk - run - away.
You will never be happy with her. No matter what you do, how faithful you are, how much you love and care for her, you will never be happy with her. She will never be happy with you. If you think you are happy, it's only because you haven't been in a healthy relationship to realize just what happy is.
She will cheat on you, she's probably cheating already.
You will never convince her that she is abusive and what she is doing is wrong. She'll have moments of lucidity - sure - things might even get better for a little while...but the cycle will begin again. No amount of therapy, or care, or love, or effort, will ever change this. You can not change her, and she will not change herself*.
The longer you stay in this abusive relationship, the more she will break you. She will trap you - she will isolate you from friends and family, she will sink her hooks into your finances, she will make you burn your bridges so you are dependent on her. She'll convince you that without her, you will be alone and unhappy, and you deserve what you get. She's already done quite a bit of that. Eventually, you will end up so unhappy you will either just give up and be broken, or you will start to become like her - abusive, controlling, probably violent.
And you know what? After she breaks you, she'll probably leave you. And you'll be alone anyway.
Leave her, if she comes back call the police and get a restraining order. You need to get this woman out of your life forever.
The idea of being alone is scary, I truly get that. Even if you would always be alone, and you won't - being alone is better than what you are getting into.
There are a lot of people in this thread who have been in your situation, felt the same things, the same doubts and fears. And every one of us is telling you to run away. We don't know you, we don't know her, but we know enough to tell you that you are heading down a dark and miserable path and need to stop now.
*Edit - If she ever does change herself, it won't be because of, or for you. Ever. You can't make this happen, and the longer you are with her, the less likely it becomes that she ever will change. You facilitating her is the worst thing that can happen to HER. If you won't do it for yourself, leave her for her own sake.
Am I the only one who thinks that this may be a form of psychological projection?
Maybe that is a bit much, but that is kind of how it sounds to me.
It usually manifests itself during splitting episodes if she's actually a borderline. He (paper) is washed out right now. He literally can't remember how the lows feel because the highs are so reassuring when they occur. Remembering my similar situation and I actually ended up e-mailing myself so that in the future I could read what my "logical" self was saying. I was only lucid when I was away from her for a certain period of time. Fun stuff!
Am I the only one who thinks that this may be a form of psychological projection?
Maybe that is a bit much, but that is kind of how it sounds to me.
It usually manifests itself during splitting episodes if she's actually a borderline. He (paper) is washed out right now. He literally can't remember how the lows feel because the highs are so reassuring when they occur. Remembering my similar situation and I actually ended up e-mailing myself so that in the future I could read what my "logical" self was saying. I was only lucid when I was away from her for a certain period of time. Fun stuff!
Frightening stuff for sure. My therapist, when patiently explaining to me how my brain had been essentially rewired, likened it to being in a cult as my relationship's dynamics were showing very similar signs of coercive persuasion:
People are put in physically or emotionally distressing situations
Their problems are reduced to one simple explanation, which is repeatedly emphasized
They receive what seems to be unconditional love, acceptance, and attention from a charismatic leader or group
They get a new identity based on the group
They are subject to entrapment (isolation from friends, relatives and the mainstream culture)
Access to information is controlled
That's basically it. Ironically, paper feels he needs to do the same things were doing here to get him out of this relationship. He's butting his head against this woman hoping she'll change. She's projecting all of her damage onto him.
That explains a bit. Hopefully he reads it and starts to piece it together. His instincts will tell him what he needs to do if he'll listen, especially early on before he's completely washed out.
I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.
Holy shit no get the fuck out get the fuck out as fast as you can
Oh, and she has been cheated on. She has also cheated on an ex, and been the person a guy has cheated with. I'm thinking her familiarity with cheating makes her suspect it constantly.
Not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but being treated bad in the past is not an excuse for treating people poorly in the present.
You need to leave this girl for your own well being, REMEMBER THAT when you do so you will be the villain, she will make every effort to paint you as such.
I really, honestly, and sincerely hope you come back to us, Paper Monitor. Because right now, you're not walking away from this thread, you're walking away from hope.
0
zepherinRussian warship, go fuck yourselfRegistered Userregular
edited December 2012
I did something silly today. I was heating up day old coffee in the microwave and when I opened the microwave there was a problem and the microwave was still running. I grabbed the coffee anyways, and it was quite unpleasant. I drank the coffee and burned my mouth a bit. The coffee was pretty good though, but it really was an unpleasant way to get it.
For some reason that seamed like the perfect allegory, for the OP.
I did something silly today. I was heating up day old coffee in the microwave and when I opened the microwave there was a problem and the microwave was still running. I grabbed the coffee anyways, and it was quite unpleasant. I drank the coffee and burned my mouth a bit. The coffee was pretty good though, but it really was an unpleasant way to get it.
For some reason that seamed like the perfect allegory, for the OP.
Only if the coffee leaped out of the cup and boiled your junk because you drank a cup of tea 6 months ago.
Hey Paper. So I just read the whole thread, and first off I want to say that you're not worthless for living with your parents or for being a janitor. You are worthy of finding happiness, even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Instead of echoing what everyone else has said, I wanted to point out something in your last post that struck me as kind of weird.
I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.
The bolded part. Do you realize that this was a trap to force you into an argument with her? If you say yes, she gets angry at you for not caring enough about her. If you say no, she gets angry at you because "HAH! YOU'RE the controlling one in the relationship!"
Not very fair, is it? Abusers do this all the time, and you just gave us a textbook example of it. I'm sure there are others in your other posts, I just want you to realize what that was. She wanted to get into a fight with you to make you feel like shit, because she's abusive. This isn't how relationships are supposed to be, and I'm sorry this was your first experience with one. Let us know how things are going, I hope you don't let this get you down too much.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You should break it off with her.
As a preface, I once had a major crush on a girl with borderline personality disorder. Lucky for me she rejected my advances and told me "It just wouldn't work." thinking back, I realize now she saved me from a world of hurt. Their condition makes the majority of them nigh incapable of forming a healthy romantic relationship. It's not her fault she acts the way she does, but you have to come to terms with the fact that she may never get a handle on her condition. Are you prepared to be her emotional punching bag for the rest of your life?
I had a controlling girlfriend once too and let me say, emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse. My ex did much the same as yours. Hated all my friends (including my best friend since birth) which caused a major rift between me and those who truly cared about me. Forced me out of certain hobbies. Always had to be around. Constantly questioned my love for her. Etc.
She always wanted to start a fight with me as we were laying in bed about to sleep. This was a major problem for me because I worked an early shift. Eventually one day I had enough. I literally pushed her out of bed and told her to get fuck out. Admittedly, I drove her home because I felt bad, but that was pretty much the end. Let me tell you, I wish I had done it sooner for both our sakes.
The thing was that my family and friends all told me she was a terrible person, yet I ignored them because I loved her. Near the end I started thinking about what my future goals were here. If we were going to get married, what would our wedding be like if she hates all my friends, my friends hate her and her relationship with my family was tenuous at best. My dad called her the wicked witch of the west. That was sort of a wakeup call because he's always been very forthcoming about what he thinks about my girlfriends, but he bit his tongue for a long time because I was so involved.
Lucky for me, by the time I ended it, my friends hadn't totally given up on me (despite the fact I had largely ignored them for almost a year). Your true friends never will totally give up on you but you don't want to damage relationships that matter in the long run.
Don't be afraid of being alone. Love will come again in time and once it does, you'll be much happier. When you find a person who likes you for who you are, likes your friends/family and wants to be involved with your life, you'll be glad you took the risk of dumping her.
Until then, being single will be theraputic. You'll rediscover who you are and come to terms with what's really important to you. Not only that, but you'll be free again to be friends with whomever you choose and friends are worth more than gold.
Damn, I wanted to be short and concise but ended up typing a book. Hopefully it doesn't completely fall upon deaf ears.
Ragnar Dragonfyre on
+3
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Picking right before bed to fight not only puts you in a position where you're too tired to give a particularly cogent response, it keeps you tired and off-balance the next day. It was after the last of many of these that I finally got up the courage to say to myself that it would be better to be alone than live the rest of my life this way. Honestly, getting up the courage to admit it to myself was the hardest part; after that everything felt easy.
Tricky to navigate, but easy.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Picking right before bed to fight not only puts you in a position where you're too tired to give a particularly cogent response, it keeps you tired and off-balance the next day. It was after the last of many of these that I finally got up the courage to say to myself that it would be better to be alone than live the rest of my life this way. Honestly, getting up the courage to admit it to myself was the hardest part; after that everything felt easy.
Tricky to navigate, but easy.
Looking back, my ex used to do that. I remember thinking at the time "why the fuck do we have to discuss our relationship problems at 3AM every time? Why not 6PM?". She wasn't remotely controlling, but she wasn't above sneaky tactics from time to time.
I just want to be another person telling you to get the fuck out. At some point the entire internet will have joined this thread to help you realize this and then, maybe, you will.
Picking right before bed to fight not only puts you in a position where you're too tired to give a particularly cogent response, it keeps you tired and off-balance the next day. It was after the last of many of these that I finally got up the courage to say to myself that it would be better to be alone than live the rest of my life this way. Honestly, getting up the courage to admit it to myself was the hardest part; after that everything felt easy.
Tricky to navigate, but easy.
Looking back, my ex used to do that. I remember thinking at the time "why the fuck do we have to discuss our relationship problems at 3AM every time? Why not 6PM?". She wasn't remotely controlling, but she wasn't above sneaky tactics from time to time.
In fairness to her I wasn't above sneaky tactics in the same way that the sea isn't above the sky.
Paper, me old mucker, keep checking in, won't you?
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
The problem with stating this sort of thing as fact with the italics and everything is that you really don't fucking know it for sure and if the OP doesn't see evidence for it you are driving him away from the much more important certainty that even without that he doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is treating him, and it only encourages him to start playing her trust games.
Therefore I would appreciate it if we could not do that.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Some food for thought:Know how many times my fiancee and I have had a drop down 2 hour fight? I can count that on zero hands. Lets make it one hour. Still zero. In six years. Disagreements sometimes are inevitable, but they really shouldn't be of this frequency and this intensity. You need to make a cleaner better life for yourself.
0
Donovan PuppyfuckerA dagger in the dark isworth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered Userregular
Some food for thought:Know how many times my fiancee and I have had a drop down 2 hour fight? I can count that on zero hands. Lets make it one hour. Still zero. In six years. Disagreements sometimes are inevitable, but they really shouldn't be of this frequency and this intensity. You need to make a cleaner better life for yourself.
Not all relationships are the same. My partner Amy and I fight. Often. And yeah, there is sometimes yelling. (We're both stubborn, strongly opinionated and a little immature, these things are going to happen from time to time!)
We sure as fuck don't do anything like the abusive controlling crap the O.P.s partner has been though.
+5
zepherinRussian warship, go fuck yourselfRegistered Userregular
Some food for thought:Know how many times my fiancee and I have had a drop down 2 hour fight? I can count that on zero hands. Lets make it one hour. Still zero. In six years. Disagreements sometimes are inevitable, but they really shouldn't be of this frequency and this intensity. You need to make a cleaner better life for yourself.
Yeah 2 hour fights shouldn't be something that happens with any frequency. I've had my SO be wicked pissed at me for 2 hours and I ruined a dress of hers in the laundry (a really nice formal dress to boot), but that was it in a year, that was it.
No shes not. Or at least, he has no evidence that she is so he should assume she's not like a non-crazy-paranoid-person would do.
She is however, definitely acting like a crazy-paranoid-person.
+1
CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
I'm really worried about you, OP, and I hope that whatever you decide that you keep us appraised of your health and well being and are never afraid to come here to ask for help.
"If you divide the whole world into just enemies and friends, you'll end up destroying everything" --Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind
She's currently crying because she wants to be married within,6 years, and I won't ask her to marry me right now, which makes me a bad person. She says that because I have been with her for a year and don't want to marry her, I am a child. I wouldn't be that concerned, except she got me to spend Christmas with her family in another state, and I am legitimately concerned she will try to get the males in her family to believe I hurt her, and they will try to hurt me in return. I wish I was armed to defend myself. That is not a joke. I want a firearm, because I am afraid for my safety.
This whole thing tonight staryed because she saw an ad for porn and punched me and I got upset, which I clearly shouldn't have.
Now she is alternating between wanting me to sleep in another room,.and getting mad at me the moment I actually do.
She keeps saying I won't talk to her about getting rngaged, then when I try to,.she just gets mad because even though we talk, my mind hadn't suddenly changed.
Also, the fact that I have stayed with her really doesn't make me feel very smart. Like, goddamn, I'm an idiot.
What really sucka is that I do love her. She is just driving me away with how she treats me. I know she would probably be happy with me if she didn't,do this stuff to me.
Paper, please listen to what you have told us just now, and then think about what people have been saying in this thread.
I do not have experience in these situations, but I have been paying attention to this thread with a growing amount of concern. I'm posting now because this seems to be something that requires a real-time response.
You need to leave. You are legitimately fearing for your safety in an unfamiliar place where she has direct control over your well-being. You need to get out of there. I don't mean in the morning, or once Christmas is over and you're back home--Now. Pack your things and go. If you have your own car, just go in the middle of the night. Take a taxi to a hotel. Are you in Southern California? I will come pick you up myself and you can sleep on my couch.
Hell, call the police and tell them that you are afraid to stay there, and maybe they'll let you spend the night at the station. Anything is better than living in the fear this woman is putting you through.
You are not an idiot. She has bullied you into thinking that you are. She does not love you; she loves treating you this way, and she loves that you feel like it's your fault. She is broken, and you cannot fix her. Get away.
And, for the love of everything, DO NOT PROPOSE TO HER. It will not solve anything.
Edit: Unfortunately, it's 3:00 am and while I've been refreshing every few minutes, I can't stay awake any longer. Please let us know you're okay.
Bursar on
GNU Terry Pratchett
PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
Hit me up on BoardGameArena! User: Loaded D1
This whole thing tonight staryed because she saw an ad for porn and punched me and I got upset, which I clearly shouldn't have.
Hi there!
Now violence has occurred, I retract my previous advice about how to maybe just possibly make this thing less terrible.
You should have got upset. You were totally right to get upset. It's not ever OK for her to punch you, and it's even more not OK for her to punch you for something so trivial and irrelavent. It's utterly not OK for her not to realise that it's not OK for her to punch you, but what is horrifyingly and appallingly not OK is for you to feel that you're in the wrong for not wanting to be punched. That is what we call A Bad Sign.
Violence is the red line. That line has been crossed. Quietly pack your shit up and leave. You can explain this quietly to her parents first if you feel that would be a tactically sound move, but you no longer owe her the tiniest consideration.
What really sucka is that I do love her. She is just driving me away with how she treats me. I know she would probably be happy with me if she didn't,do this stuff to me.
Listen, there's something you need to understand:
You're not going to make her happy, because she's not capable of being happy, and also she's decided that hitting you is OK. That's nothing to do with you not loving her enough or not being a good enough man for her. She could be going out with a Golem made from St Francis of Assisi's soul, Brad Pitt's body, Stephen Hawking's brain, John Holmes' penis and Warren Buffet's wallet, and that still wouldn't be enough. It's not you; it's her. What she wants instead of happiness is a mean sonofabitch who will smack her around, chase after tail and tell her that she's a worthless bitch. She's doing her best to make you into that person, and if you let her down she'll turn you into a beaten up lump of worthless, servile fear as a consolation prize. On the assumption that neither of those options is attractive to you, this is your game-plan:
Do you have your own car there?
Yes? Good, pack your shit up and go home right now.
No? Call someone you know like your mom or your friend or anyone you know who you think might do it and get them to come pick you up right now. Tell them you're in real trouble and you really need help. Because you are and you do.
Nobody? Stay in the company of someone else as much as you possibly can, for your own protection both physical and legal, and stay either out of the house or in the spare room the rest of the time, and get the fuck onto the next bus back home or whatever.
If she tries to talk to you, just be polite and non-committal. You're in the irrevocable exit phase now. I suggest you give yourself the gift of getting through it as quickly and intelligently as possible.
Block her on your phone now. Don't speak to her ever again if you can avoid it. Don't speak about her either, most especially don't ever make jokes about "what you should have done" or any shit like that. Yes I know you're in love with her. That's a shame. Time to man up and accept the fact that you're never going to get what you need from her.
This is your Christmas present: Get the fuck out of there. Make whatever apologies you have to to the sane people but do it by phone or as you're walking out the door. Get on a bus, get on a plane, get in a car, but get.
It will suck in the short term but you will look back on this as the best Christmas present ever.
And ditto on the not getting a gun thing. You are not safe, but there is no way you can win in this situation. The only winning move is not to play.
Posts
I think we've said all we can. If OP doesn't want to listen, I guess he wants to learn the very hard way.
You need to end this relationship now for you own well being.
In retrospect you will (and I promise what little savings I have) realize this is for the best.
Its ok to be scared of being alone. That's completely normal but to an outside observer, you being on your own is a way better to be in compared to the current situation.
In seriousness, fucking run. Run for the hills and never look back.
Edit: And for your future reference, if a girl you're dating ever says "you're not allowed to have female friends"...well that should be a deal breaker.
No! No you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have told her at all unless it came up as an amusing story at the pub one day. The mere fact that you even entertain the notion that it is reasonable that you should give a new girlfriend dossiers on all your female acquaintances within the first five months of dating is extraordinarily alarming. The fact that she is not ok with you having female friends for any reason at all, let alone such a flimsy one, and that she wants you to view her male friends the same way is bat-shit insane but you buying into it is terrifying.
Get out and get out now, you are on the verge of some serious psychological scars that will make future relationships a lot more difficult.
0431-6094-6446-7088
Maybe that is a bit much, but that is kind of how it sounds to me.
Maybe if the prolonged, chronic emotional abuse doesn't bother you being cuckolded will? In any case, wrap your shit up if you decide to continue sticking it in this abusive ball of crazy because I'd put money on the fact she's sleeping around on you.
I can tell you right now, just like Tube did, that this is flat out abuse, you are a battered boyfriend, without the punching. I'm also going to tell you this is going to escalate. Abuse tends to start out as mental manipulation. With guys, the relationship tends to be "stay at home" and forces the woman to be a housekeeper and lose out on experience in the working world, this comes full circle when the physical abuse starts and they try to leave... they can't get a job so they're basically stuck if they have no support network.
So how this is playing out with you is she's emotionally manipulating you to need her. Just like the man manipulates the woman to need him. She's going to tell you you're worthless, have you get rid of your friends who are female (whom you could potentially build a relationship with in the event of a breakup), and flat out make you a social pariah. She's going to make you need her because you're so inexperienced with girls you're going to think this is okay and are worried no one will find you attractive.
Keep in mind she found you attractive, so obviously, she's wrong. You need to bail ASAP. This is how the game starts.
Eventually she will have it so you don't have any friends you can spend time with. Male or female. You will not win this game.
Think of it like a pot of water that is slowly boiling. You won't notice you're being cooked alive until it's too late. But if she dumped it all on you at once, you'd know it.
I've seen a lot of pots of water boil, so, trust me at least, if you trust no one else here to be honest with you. No one here has anything to gain by lying to you.
These types of relationships almost always use a child to gain something from the other, as well, so, don't trust her to take birth control and make sure you dispose of condoms in a way that can't be used to squeeze sperm out of them. I wish I was kidding.
For your sake I hope you leave this person as it seems that she is making you miserable and that will only continue as she refuses to acknowledge what she is doing.
Keep your chin up.
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: depart, abandon physically
Synonyms: abscond, beat it, break away, clear out, come away, cut out, decamp, defect, desert, disappear, ditch*, elope, embark, emigrate, escape, exit, flee, flit, fly, forsake, give the slip, go, go away, go forth, head out, issue, migrate, move, move out, part, pull out, push off, quit, relinquish, remove oneself, retire, ride off, run along, sally, say goodbye, scram, set out, slip out, split*, start, step down, take a hike, take leave, take off, vacate, vamoose, vanish, walk out, withdraw
-Forbidding all but the most unavoidable contact with the opposite sex.
-Expecting your significant other to reveal all details of their past relationships, romantic or otherwise, with people of the opposite sex without any prompting.
-Expecting your significant other to share in your point of view when that point of view is seated firmly in your own poor mental health.
-Searching through your partner's browser history, email or phone.
-Refusing to allow your partner space.
-Expecting your partner to drop everything to attend to your needs.
-Forbidding your partner to masturbate.
I just want to point this out because you seem to be coming around to the point that this stuff seems normal to you and it isn't. Any one of these points would make a normal, reasonable person say "What the fuck?" which is why you're getting the response you're getting in this thread. This stuff is not quirky or eccentric or just her personality, it is barking insanity. This is not hyperbole. People are not over-reacting at the stuff you're saying. This is a low-key response by people with a world view unwarped by the crazy you've been exposed to.
In a real relationship you spend some time alone occasionally. In a real relationship you only ask your partner to drop everything and come over in an emergency. In a real relationship each partner can stand on their own and lend support to their mate in times of trouble. In a real relationship both sides' feelings are important. In a real relationship you trust your partner because if you can't meet that basic test then you aren't in a relationship and just need to fucking end it.
But seriously, see saint2e's post.
0431-6094-6446-7088
You will never be happy with her. No matter what you do, how faithful you are, how much you love and care for her, you will never be happy with her. She will never be happy with you. If you think you are happy, it's only because you haven't been in a healthy relationship to realize just what happy is.
She will cheat on you, she's probably cheating already.
You will never convince her that she is abusive and what she is doing is wrong. She'll have moments of lucidity - sure - things might even get better for a little while...but the cycle will begin again. No amount of therapy, or care, or love, or effort, will ever change this. You can not change her, and she will not change herself*.
The longer you stay in this abusive relationship, the more she will break you. She will trap you - she will isolate you from friends and family, she will sink her hooks into your finances, she will make you burn your bridges so you are dependent on her. She'll convince you that without her, you will be alone and unhappy, and you deserve what you get. She's already done quite a bit of that. Eventually, you will end up so unhappy you will either just give up and be broken, or you will start to become like her - abusive, controlling, probably violent.
And you know what? After she breaks you, she'll probably leave you. And you'll be alone anyway.
Leave her, if she comes back call the police and get a restraining order. You need to get this woman out of your life forever.
The idea of being alone is scary, I truly get that. Even if you would always be alone, and you won't - being alone is better than what you are getting into.
There are a lot of people in this thread who have been in your situation, felt the same things, the same doubts and fears. And every one of us is telling you to run away. We don't know you, we don't know her, but we know enough to tell you that you are heading down a dark and miserable path and need to stop now.
*Edit - If she ever does change herself, it won't be because of, or for you. Ever. You can't make this happen, and the longer you are with her, the less likely it becomes that she ever will change. You facilitating her is the worst thing that can happen to HER. If you won't do it for yourself, leave her for her own sake.
It usually manifests itself during splitting episodes if she's actually a borderline. He (paper) is washed out right now. He literally can't remember how the lows feel because the highs are so reassuring when they occur. Remembering my similar situation and I actually ended up e-mailing myself so that in the future I could read what my "logical" self was saying. I was only lucid when I was away from her for a certain period of time. Fun stuff!
Frightening stuff for sure. My therapist, when patiently explaining to me how my brain had been essentially rewired, likened it to being in a cult as my relationship's dynamics were showing very similar signs of coercive persuasion:
http://gettinbetter.com/fallout.html
That explains a bit. Hopefully he reads it and starts to piece it together. His instincts will tell him what he needs to do if he'll listen, especially early on before he's completely washed out.
Holy shit no get the fuck out get the fuck out as fast as you can
Not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but being treated bad in the past is not an excuse for treating people poorly in the present.
You need to leave this girl for your own well being, REMEMBER THAT when you do so you will be the villain, she will make every effort to paint you as such.
For some reason that seamed like the perfect allegory, for the OP.
Only if the coffee leaped out of the cup and boiled your junk because you drank a cup of tea 6 months ago.
No, no you're not.
The bolded part. Do you realize that this was a trap to force you into an argument with her? If you say yes, she gets angry at you for not caring enough about her. If you say no, she gets angry at you because "HAH! YOU'RE the controlling one in the relationship!"
Not very fair, is it? Abusers do this all the time, and you just gave us a textbook example of it. I'm sure there are others in your other posts, I just want you to realize what that was. She wanted to get into a fight with you to make you feel like shit, because she's abusive. This isn't how relationships are supposed to be, and I'm sorry this was your first experience with one. Let us know how things are going, I hope you don't let this get you down too much.
As a preface, I once had a major crush on a girl with borderline personality disorder. Lucky for me she rejected my advances and told me "It just wouldn't work." thinking back, I realize now she saved me from a world of hurt. Their condition makes the majority of them nigh incapable of forming a healthy romantic relationship. It's not her fault she acts the way she does, but you have to come to terms with the fact that she may never get a handle on her condition. Are you prepared to be her emotional punching bag for the rest of your life?
I had a controlling girlfriend once too and let me say, emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse. My ex did much the same as yours. Hated all my friends (including my best friend since birth) which caused a major rift between me and those who truly cared about me. Forced me out of certain hobbies. Always had to be around. Constantly questioned my love for her. Etc.
She always wanted to start a fight with me as we were laying in bed about to sleep. This was a major problem for me because I worked an early shift. Eventually one day I had enough. I literally pushed her out of bed and told her to get fuck out. Admittedly, I drove her home because I felt bad, but that was pretty much the end. Let me tell you, I wish I had done it sooner for both our sakes.
The thing was that my family and friends all told me she was a terrible person, yet I ignored them because I loved her. Near the end I started thinking about what my future goals were here. If we were going to get married, what would our wedding be like if she hates all my friends, my friends hate her and her relationship with my family was tenuous at best. My dad called her the wicked witch of the west. That was sort of a wakeup call because he's always been very forthcoming about what he thinks about my girlfriends, but he bit his tongue for a long time because I was so involved.
Lucky for me, by the time I ended it, my friends hadn't totally given up on me (despite the fact I had largely ignored them for almost a year). Your true friends never will totally give up on you but you don't want to damage relationships that matter in the long run.
Don't be afraid of being alone. Love will come again in time and once it does, you'll be much happier. When you find a person who likes you for who you are, likes your friends/family and wants to be involved with your life, you'll be glad you took the risk of dumping her.
Until then, being single will be theraputic. You'll rediscover who you are and come to terms with what's really important to you. Not only that, but you'll be free again to be friends with whomever you choose and friends are worth more than gold.
Damn, I wanted to be short and concise but ended up typing a book. Hopefully it doesn't completely fall upon deaf ears.
Tricky to navigate, but easy.
Looking back, my ex used to do that. I remember thinking at the time "why the fuck do we have to discuss our relationship problems at 3AM every time? Why not 6PM?". She wasn't remotely controlling, but she wasn't above sneaky tactics from time to time.
I just want to be another person telling you to get the fuck out. At some point the entire internet will have joined this thread to help you realize this and then, maybe, you will.
Get out, man. You deserve better.
Please break up with her right now. At least you are not living with her, that will simplify things. (DO NOT EVER MOVE IN WITH HER.)
In fairness to her I wasn't above sneaky tactics in the same way that the sea isn't above the sky.
Paper, me old mucker, keep checking in, won't you?
The problem with stating this sort of thing as fact with the italics and everything is that you really don't fucking know it for sure and if the OP doesn't see evidence for it you are driving him away from the much more important certainty that even without that he doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is treating him, and it only encourages him to start playing her trust games.
Therefore I would appreciate it if we could not do that.
Not all relationships are the same. My partner Amy and I fight. Often. And yeah, there is sometimes yelling. (We're both stubborn, strongly opinionated and a little immature, these things are going to happen from time to time!)
We sure as fuck don't do anything like the abusive controlling crap the O.P.s partner has been though.
No shes not. Or at least, he has no evidence that she is so he should assume she's not like a non-crazy-paranoid-person would do.
She is however, definitely acting like a crazy-paranoid-person.
This whole thing tonight staryed because she saw an ad for porn and punched me and I got upset, which I clearly shouldn't have.
Now she is alternating between wanting me to sleep in another room,.and getting mad at me the moment I actually do.
She keeps saying I won't talk to her about getting rngaged, then when I try to,.she just gets mad because even though we talk, my mind hadn't suddenly changed.
And she wonders why I dont like her to.drink.
What really sucka is that I do love her. She is just driving me away with how she treats me. I know she would probably be happy with me if she didn't,do this stuff to me.
I do not have experience in these situations, but I have been paying attention to this thread with a growing amount of concern. I'm posting now because this seems to be something that requires a real-time response.
You need to leave. You are legitimately fearing for your safety in an unfamiliar place where she has direct control over your well-being. You need to get out of there. I don't mean in the morning, or once Christmas is over and you're back home--Now. Pack your things and go. If you have your own car, just go in the middle of the night. Take a taxi to a hotel. Are you in Southern California? I will come pick you up myself and you can sleep on my couch.
Hell, call the police and tell them that you are afraid to stay there, and maybe they'll let you spend the night at the station. Anything is better than living in the fear this woman is putting you through.
You are not an idiot. She has bullied you into thinking that you are. She does not love you; she loves treating you this way, and she loves that you feel like it's your fault. She is broken, and you cannot fix her. Get away.
And, for the love of everything, DO NOT PROPOSE TO HER. It will not solve anything.
Edit: Unfortunately, it's 3:00 am and while I've been refreshing every few minutes, I can't stay awake any longer. Please let us know you're okay.
PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
Hit me up on BoardGameArena! User: Loaded D1
Hi there!
Now violence has occurred, I retract my previous advice about how to maybe just possibly make this thing less terrible.
You should have got upset. You were totally right to get upset. It's not ever OK for her to punch you, and it's even more not OK for her to punch you for something so trivial and irrelavent. It's utterly not OK for her not to realise that it's not OK for her to punch you, but what is horrifyingly and appallingly not OK is for you to feel that you're in the wrong for not wanting to be punched. That is what we call A Bad Sign.
Violence is the red line. That line has been crossed. Quietly pack your shit up and leave. You can explain this quietly to her parents first if you feel that would be a tactically sound move, but you no longer owe her the tiniest consideration.
Listen, there's something you need to understand:
You're not going to make her happy, because she's not capable of being happy, and also she's decided that hitting you is OK. That's nothing to do with you not loving her enough or not being a good enough man for her. She could be going out with a Golem made from St Francis of Assisi's soul, Brad Pitt's body, Stephen Hawking's brain, John Holmes' penis and Warren Buffet's wallet, and that still wouldn't be enough. It's not you; it's her. What she wants instead of happiness is a mean sonofabitch who will smack her around, chase after tail and tell her that she's a worthless bitch. She's doing her best to make you into that person, and if you let her down she'll turn you into a beaten up lump of worthless, servile fear as a consolation prize. On the assumption that neither of those options is attractive to you, this is your game-plan:
Do you have your own car there?
Yes? Good, pack your shit up and go home right now.
No? Call someone you know like your mom or your friend or anyone you know who you think might do it and get them to come pick you up right now. Tell them you're in real trouble and you really need help. Because you are and you do.
Nobody? Stay in the company of someone else as much as you possibly can, for your own protection both physical and legal, and stay either out of the house or in the spare room the rest of the time, and get the fuck onto the next bus back home or whatever.
If she tries to talk to you, just be polite and non-committal. You're in the irrevocable exit phase now. I suggest you give yourself the gift of getting through it as quickly and intelligently as possible.
Block her on your phone now. Don't speak to her ever again if you can avoid it. Don't speak about her either, most especially don't ever make jokes about "what you should have done" or any shit like that. Yes I know you're in love with her. That's a shame. Time to man up and accept the fact that you're never going to get what you need from her.
It will suck in the short term but you will look back on this as the best Christmas present ever.
And ditto on the not getting a gun thing. You are not safe, but there is no way you can win in this situation. The only winning move is not to play.
0431-6094-6446-7088