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kept a secret from my bf...
nicoleesiphia
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now.
Before we met, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. They in fact knew each other too. Just a little background info: This was the beginning of my sophomore year. My ex smoked a lot of weed. I didnt like it, but I wasn't going to ask him to just stop. He told me it was "the way he was". He was always full of bs but whatever. After he broke up with me, I started smoking weed. Ironic I know, but I liked the way it relaxed me and made me forget about my sad thoughts about my break up. But anyways, this was also around the time that my current boyfriend and i kindof met. When we first started talking we talked about my ex and how I didn't like that he smoked weed. He told me he didn't like weed, & I told him I'd done it a couple of times but I didn't particularly like it. But then again I was kinda just getting into it.. a couple times at the park I had gone to smoke with some buddies and maybe half an hour later i would see my current bf at the park. Idk why but I felt it would be best to omit the fact that I had just been smoking. Once we had been talking for a few weeks, he asked about the fact that i had smoked before. I told him that that one time I saw him at the park I had just been smoking- now i felt it was okay to tell him since we were on the subject. He freaked and started questioning dating me.. I didn't want to lose another person I had found an interest in, so I immediately promised him I would never do it again, cold turkey. We had also talked about stuff like drinking and partying, and both agreed we didn't really like any of that stuff.
So over the past year that we have been dating, there have been about 4 times that I have smoked, just because I was with a friend or two and I took a few hits. I have never told my boyfriend about it.
There have also been a few times that I've drank, and smoked hookah with my friends that he doesn't know about. At one of my friend's family parties she was drinking and I had a few shots.. I told my bf that she was drinking, but omitted the part about my drinking. (this was all over text) he started saying how he was worried about me being around that because he didn't want me to feel tempted or pressured by my friends. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I've also gone to one of my guy friend's house a few times before (with a girlfriend), and didn't tell my bf. It's not like I do anything bad.. I've been friends with this guy for like 4 years and his mom loves me and stuff, were strictly just friends. But my bf has met him once or twice at a dance and a birthday party and he just doesn't like him. My bf is the jealous type though, (as am I), so I think he just doesn't like him because he knows we've been kind of close for a few years and he thinks we had a thing in the past, even though we never have.
I just feel like it's easier to just not tell my boyfriend these things. If any of the topics really ever came up I would tell him I suppose. I know that keeping these things from him is basically lying, but it's just like I know they'll start fights. We hardly ever fight. But considering how much he hates drugs, alcohol, and my guy friend, it would just make such a scene if I told him. That's the only reason I never did. My boyfriend is a realllly sensative guy.
I almost told him about my smoking weed about a month ago. Right before our one year I had a night with two good friends and we smoked some weed. I missed it a lot and I took one too many hits.. I got way too high and I had an anxiety attack.. I was scared shitless and the next day I couldn't stop thinking about it. Considering my bf is my bestfriend I felt like I had to tell him, because I really was scared. I just couldn't find the nerve to tell him...
If i told him any of this I feel like he would never trust me again.,I know these things I've done are wrong but it's just idk it just seems easier to keep it from him. But i feel SO guilty.. and like I kinda want to bring them up. Because I still would like to smoke weed every once and a while, and drink every once and awhile. But if he knows this, what if he changes his mind about me? He's so anti-drugs and alcohol.. and telling him this after a whole year of dating would just completely change his view of me. But I want a future with him, and its not like I can go on with occasional smoking and drinking behind his back forever, right?
Any help on how to come clean? Input? Anything please. & thankyou
btw I would never ever ever cheat on my bf.
Before we met, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. They in fact knew each other too. Just a little background info: This was the beginning of my sophomore year. My ex smoked a lot of weed. I didnt like it, but I wasn't going to ask him to just stop. He told me it was "the way he was". He was always full of bs but whatever. After he broke up with me, I started smoking weed. Ironic I know, but I liked the way it relaxed me and made me forget about my sad thoughts about my break up. But anyways, this was also around the time that my current boyfriend and i kindof met. When we first started talking we talked about my ex and how I didn't like that he smoked weed. He told me he didn't like weed, & I told him I'd done it a couple of times but I didn't particularly like it. But then again I was kinda just getting into it.. a couple times at the park I had gone to smoke with some buddies and maybe half an hour later i would see my current bf at the park. Idk why but I felt it would be best to omit the fact that I had just been smoking. Once we had been talking for a few weeks, he asked about the fact that i had smoked before. I told him that that one time I saw him at the park I had just been smoking- now i felt it was okay to tell him since we were on the subject. He freaked and started questioning dating me.. I didn't want to lose another person I had found an interest in, so I immediately promised him I would never do it again, cold turkey. We had also talked about stuff like drinking and partying, and both agreed we didn't really like any of that stuff.
So over the past year that we have been dating, there have been about 4 times that I have smoked, just because I was with a friend or two and I took a few hits. I have never told my boyfriend about it.
There have also been a few times that I've drank, and smoked hookah with my friends that he doesn't know about. At one of my friend's family parties she was drinking and I had a few shots.. I told my bf that she was drinking, but omitted the part about my drinking. (this was all over text) he started saying how he was worried about me being around that because he didn't want me to feel tempted or pressured by my friends. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I've also gone to one of my guy friend's house a few times before (with a girlfriend), and didn't tell my bf. It's not like I do anything bad.. I've been friends with this guy for like 4 years and his mom loves me and stuff, were strictly just friends. But my bf has met him once or twice at a dance and a birthday party and he just doesn't like him. My bf is the jealous type though, (as am I), so I think he just doesn't like him because he knows we've been kind of close for a few years and he thinks we had a thing in the past, even though we never have.
I just feel like it's easier to just not tell my boyfriend these things. If any of the topics really ever came up I would tell him I suppose. I know that keeping these things from him is basically lying, but it's just like I know they'll start fights. We hardly ever fight. But considering how much he hates drugs, alcohol, and my guy friend, it would just make such a scene if I told him. That's the only reason I never did. My boyfriend is a realllly sensative guy.
I almost told him about my smoking weed about a month ago. Right before our one year I had a night with two good friends and we smoked some weed. I missed it a lot and I took one too many hits.. I got way too high and I had an anxiety attack.. I was scared shitless and the next day I couldn't stop thinking about it. Considering my bf is my bestfriend I felt like I had to tell him, because I really was scared. I just couldn't find the nerve to tell him...
If i told him any of this I feel like he would never trust me again.,I know these things I've done are wrong but it's just idk it just seems easier to keep it from him. But i feel SO guilty.. and like I kinda want to bring them up. Because I still would like to smoke weed every once and a while, and drink every once and awhile. But if he knows this, what if he changes his mind about me? He's so anti-drugs and alcohol.. and telling him this after a whole year of dating would just completely change his view of me. But I want a future with him, and its not like I can go on with occasional smoking and drinking behind his back forever, right?
Any help on how to come clean? Input? Anything please. & thankyou
btw I would never ever ever cheat on my bf.
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It looks to me that you no longer share your bf's values. Simple as that. Many people don't consider moderate recreational use of alcohol/weed to be any kind of moral failing. In young adults, abuse is mostly caused by the way we mystify alcohol as being "adult" or taboo. Typically, some familiarity with the drugs in question actually does a lot to dispel myths and helps give a sense of what your personal limits are or if you've got an addictive personality. It also helps to learn how much of your drug consumption is affected by your social life.
I'd probably make peace with the idea that these particular drugs aren't the profound moral evil that you thought it was. Some people are obnoxious about their intake. Others aren't. Try to see past the stereotype of the burnt-out druggie or the fraternity bro with the bong, because that has nothing to do with whether or not these drugs are actually ruining your life. You're not just suddenly going to magically turn into another person. You've over-indulged a bit, but you don't actually seem to have a genuine problem (insofar as you've written). And that's good.
Personally, I don't think offering to quit "cold turkey" is going to work anymore, as that's clearly not something you're capable of. You'll quit at your own schedule and timing, if you quit at all. It's not going to happen just because you offered it as a bargaining chip. Keep in mind that this does NOT make you an addict. To the best of my knowledge, you just look like a college kid going through her phase. It may also mean that you're becoming an adult who uses recreationally. Time will tell. I've seen lots of people go through their disenchantment phase with alcohol and level out to healthier use or otherwise just give it up altogether because it's just lost all its thrill and is more of a pain than they think it's worth.
However, if you feel you *do* have a problem with alcoholism, it's better to get help for it now rather than later. Because you'll want to learn those life skills *before* it becomes a legal issue.
And then there's the hard part. And here's where I hope that somebody has better advice to offer than I do.
I'd just confess sooner rather than later. It's not much to go on, but I can't say how he'll react. I just know from personal experience that keeping a secret like this will crush your spirit in the long run. It's just anxiety without end.
If he reacts badly, it may even be painful and traumatizing. It'll leave its mark on you. But you'll survive. You also wouldn't be the first person to have a relationship end because of some difference of opinion on just one issue. And it sucks. It really does. Sometimes people just change and it drives a wedge in the relationship and there's just no way of turning the clock back.
If you're lucky, that won't happen.
Of course, if you're not drinking responsibly, then it's an entirely different story.
Isn't she still in High School? Unless she meant Sophomore year in college... I guess what I was getting at is that she might be underage, which puts the alcohol in a different light.
Yes I am in high school. And all I mean about drinking is every once in a while. Same with smoking. But obviously doing these even every once in a while still makes them a part of my life. He just doesn't like the fact that everryyyonee in high school had to do all that. I don't give into peer pressure but I like to let loose every once in a while..
Right, she's in high school. Not college.
I feel like a doofus.
It's all good man we all make mistakes
Well, it's not like she told you. Though, the grammar, spelling, and run on paragraphs shoulda clued you in.
I understand where your boyfriend is coming from, in high school I thought it was just LAME to smoke and drink and I thought it was for losers and I didn't get why any of my friends did it. Its not a mindset that can be easily swayed and I personally carried these feelings loooong into college. This is kind of a tough place for you to be in, and I can understand why you might think that just omitting it from your boyfriend has been a good way to avoid this topic but just image that there's something you morally disagree with that your bf has been doing behind your back, you'd probably be furious!!
I'm not really sure how you can ease into this kind of confession but telling him doesn't have to be the end of world and it doesn't mean he's going to hate you. Maybe you can start off by saying you went to a party or a friend's house recently and had a drink or a smoke, see how he reacts to that. Explain that you know he doesn't like it but tell him why you choose to partake. Have a conversation about his feelings towards you occasionally smoking. Maybe let him know that you've changed your opinion about weed and don't think its a big deal anymore but that its okay that its never going to be his thing
(people are welcome to disagree with me on this advice)
The point is, I think the more you ignore it the more guilty you're going to feel and there's always a chance that he'll find out what you've been doing from someone other than you, and that would not be a fun time
If you're underage then yes, this does make things entirely different. He's entirely in the right.
Uhm. No. Not by a longshot. It's not 1910 and women can actually vote now, FYI. I don't know what kind of sheltered life you lived during your teenage years, but legal or not, drinking and smoking marijuana is a seminal part of the high school experience. Hell, they've made popular movies about that that were based 30 years ago. Don't try to shame her with your short fallings and insecurities.
Oh wait, that's just one of you. Well, you have that to look forward to when I'm off my tablet.
It may not be 1910 and women may have the right to vote but it is still both illegal for anyone in highschool to drink who is not 21 and posses and smoke weed without a doctor's subscription. Regardless of whatever high school experience, un-sheltered upbringing, or popular movie you may have witnessed. Don't try to condone illegal activities regardless of how "accepted" it is.
Also, telling her that there's a 99.9% chance that she's going to have a different boyfriend by the time she enters college? What a freaking goose. Who gives a shit about that right now, if you read the bottom part: she obviously doesn't care right now that according to you she only has a .1% chance of making it meaningful.
Be who you want to be and with whomever you want to be, and if that means you want to be with your boyfriend you know what you need to do. If you promised to give it up and it's really someone you want to be with, then give it up. If you still want to drink and smoke, you know the risks and what you'll possibly lose. Decide what you want, how badly you want it, and then do it. The amount of guilt you feel now by continuing these activities is going to fester, it's going to grow, and it's going to lead to more cases of where you continue to smoke or drink behind your boyfriend's back. You will drive yourself slowly mad with guilt and anxiety by continuing how you are now.
But level with your boyfriend, be honest and be clear that this is a relationship you want but you just can't quit the stuff cold turkey. Say that you while you don't want to binge out on them, maybe in moderation it would be something you like, or talk about the difficulties you're having trying to quit. Dialog is the key to a successful relationship. Express your issues and what you want clearly. Take that weight off your shoulders.
I grammer like a highschooler...
You start hiding and lying to your boyfriend it’ll never end.
My advice about drugs in high school is don’t. I don’t like how people take the view of smoking weed as not being that bad because it is. I don’t think you are old enough to get that be free speech.
Also why do you really miss getting high? Stress? Have you tried exercise? Yes I know total square answer. I used to be big into the rave scene before I grew up and became a fuddy duddy.
It is against the forum rules (in H/A, land of the strict, at least) to advise someone to do something illegal, or endorse illegal activity. There is no "it's normal and everyone does it" contingency for this, nor is there one for "I did it and I think it's okay." This is not something with a lot of grey area, and this is also not the place to debate it. Just know that the whole "illegal" thing is pretty zero-tolerance, and you'll be fine.
You are really young. I'm sure you like the guy and would never cheat on him, but drinking and smoking and doing whatever you want seems to be more important to you than an honest relationship with him, and that's not really fair to him. You didn't really give him a chance to accept you for who you are. You don't trust him to do so either, and you could be right about that, but you aren't just lying to him about what you do, you're lying about how you feel.
I don't think you necessarily have to tell him every last thing you've gone out and done, but I do think that if you have no plans to stop you should tell him "I want to do these things and I am probably going to." He may break up with you, but that's going to be a lot less stressful than trying to maintain a lie for the rest of your high school career.
Really though, you should probably stop. It's pretty unlikely that when you're older you're going regret all the drinking and smoking you didn't do. I know, I wouldn't have believed that either about something I wanted to do when I was younger. You may regret something you did because of it, though. "No way, I don't do stupid things when I'm drinking." Man, I can play out this entire conversation with my younger self in my head. Laugh it up, 15-year-old-me, your 20-year-old self is yet to come.
So I guess what I'm struggling to say is that, even if the guy is right in this particular case, you still should not let someone else dictate what is right and wrong to do with your life.
If one of your primary social activities is going out and drinking and your SO doesn't approve of that at all then that is a relationship that is doomed to failure anyway.
As for the OP, you need to be level with your SO. It might end your relationship, but it is also a good chance to evaluate how this stuff makes you look to other people and the kind of social scene you want to get into.
No matter what it is you do, you should not be sneaking around behind your significant other's back. You've already dug yourself into a hole. One small omission snowballs, and the next thing you know you are basically lying about half of your life to someone you care for. This is NOT a good foundation for any sort of relationship. Experience has told me that the one of the few guarantees in life is that people will always find out whatever it is you want to keep hidden. The only question is how and when they find out, and how you deal with it.
I would agree with a5ehren. Maybe it's time to level with your SO. Maybe it's time to take a long hard look at the friends you keep around you, and the kind of life you want. However, only you can make that decision, and hopefully before he finds out from someone else, which makes things even worse.
Seriously, seriously this is the truest thing anyone's said in this thread
Think hard about this, its time to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend
Okay so I told him how I was feeling restricted. He understood. Then a few days later he told me how hurt he was that I didn't tell him how I felt and that I still wanted to smoke.. I'm trying my very best to make him understand where I'm coming from. I know he only wants the best for me. But he's too quick to judge and his opinion is that weed is bad and I honestly don't think he realizes the difference on the long term effects between doing it habitually and doing it occasionally. I don't want weed to overcome my life I just want to be able to feel free to do it every now and then. He knows I feel restricted but it hurts him that I would even think of "stopping that low" I don't want to hurt him.. But I want him to understand that it doesn't define you and it doesn't have to be that way like there's honestly nothing wrong with doing it here and there every so often. Can someone give me some feedback and advice please please. If I really have to I will accept just forgetting about it, but I just want him to understand the resent that I feel for my feeling that I can't even consider doing it every once in awhile because of his opinion..
That said, my statements from before still stand: 1) he really can't stop you from doing what you want to do and 2) you should be honest about what you are doing. Those are the two things that matter here, and until you realize them both you are setting yourself up for some misery. And you lied to him pretty blatantly, it's not a surprise that he's hurt. If he says he is not okay with dating someone who smokes weed, you probably can't make him okay with it. Some people don't like to be around people who drink or smoke in any amount, and that's fine. He is allowed to feel that way. If he says "I can't go out with you if you smoke" then you have to choose what you want. Sometimes life is like that. If you are going to resent him over this it's not worth staying with him, but he's told you how he feels and I don't think there's much more to say.
If you are asking "how can I have my cake and eat it too," and you seem to be, well.. you probably can't. He doesn't have to be okay with you smoking, but you don't have to go out with him, either.
This is not a nice thing to do to someone. You might think his prohibition against substance use is not a nice thing to do to you, but it's not an unreasonable expectation on his part. He came into this relationship open about his opinions on this (I infer from thread history). You did not.
If you have unmet needs that you are suppressing to stay in a relationship with someone it is not fair to hold that over them. If it is that important to you then you should exit this relationship.*
*edit: or at least continue the discussion til some resolution is met between you two.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I'm not going to endorse any illegal behavior, but I don't think that particular behavior itself is TOO relevant to the issue.
The issue is that you and your boyfriend have different views on a subject that is important to you, and the only outcomes are lying to him, giving up something important to you, or him giving up something that's important to him.
Lying to him is...not a good thing. It's disrespectful, unfair, selfish, and is just going to cause more hurt. If the two of you can't open and honestly find a middle ground and this is an issue that's very important to both of you, then it may be time for both of you to move on from your relationship. Compromise is part of a relationship, but no relationship is worthwhile without being happy.
As for the particular behavior...I've been on both sides of the fence. In my past, I broke up and didn't start relationships because they would have interfered with my freedom to smoke pretty much constantly aside from work. In my current relationship, I was told day one that my partaking would not be tolerated in any way and would be an immediate deal-breaker. Six and a half years later, I've been married five years, have a beautiful three year old daughter, and haven't touched or missed weed since.
So, take it with a grain of salt - I had probably seven or eight years of stupid behavior behind me before I was ready to make my decision, but I'm here as proof that sometimes, you miss a lot more if you don't give it up.
Honesty is always the best policy. It's a cliche, but it's true.
It might not be not come down to a smoking or boyfriend decision. You probably aren't going to change his mind about this issue, but you might be able to reach a point of compromise where he accepts that this is something you're okay with and something you'll do occasionally. It seems to me that all you want is for him not to judge you.
Just know that even if you two reach an agreement he'll probably never 100% approve and you'll have to be okay with that
You'll probably want to cut back for a while though, lying to him about it was a bad move and I know that if my partner was lying to me about something for so long I'd probably be pretty upset and it would take a while for that trust to be rebuilt
Don't Do Drugs, Kids!
No, seriously - if you live in NA, I know that the school messages about drugs/alcohol are dumb, but do not engage in those activities if they are illegal for you to do so. For alcohol, just wait until you're of the magic age as set by law. Yes, it's arbitrary, but there you go. If you're in a state where cannabis is illegal for recreational use (any state other than Colorado, I think?), don't use it recreationally. You can support it's legalization, vote for it to be legalized, talk about how wrong / harmful it is to enforce prohibition, but do not do drugs.
It takes one out of the blue encounter with a police officer who really wants to bring the hammer down to ruin a lot of your early life. How would you like to get out of high school and be unable to find a good job because you have a criminal record, because one time you smoked a joint at a party and the cops showed-up? That can easily happen. You could even find yourself being shuffled through a private prison contractor's battery cages.
EDIT:
May I ask why you feel the need to smoke cannabis?
You're right in that cannabis smoking is not really detrimental to your health, as far as we currently know (there needs to be more studies done before anyone can decisively say how harmful or beneficial recreational use of cannabis is), but it's still illegal and, depending on how you're smoking it, the heat, smoke and tar can do some physical damage to your lungs.
If you're depressed and cannabis is what takes you out of your depression, you need to seek real counselling and appropriate medication. If you just enjoy the high, you need to just let that go. If it's from peer pressure at parties, you are going to the wrong parties and hanging out with the wrong kids. I know that won't mean anything to you at your age, but trust me, you'll be spinning your wheels at best with that crowd (and you'll very likely have forgotten about most of them by the time you're off to college. Unless you don't get to go to college because you get busted for drug use / drug trafficking because you didn't listen to the advice here about not doing drugs because you might screw-up your life.
1. Don't smoke weed because if you get caught with it, it can ruin a significant portion of your life.
2. Don't drink - You aren't 21 and if you get caught with it, it can ruin a significant portion of your life.
As for the Boyfriend - you can only pretend to be someone you aren't for so long. Eventually that's going to catch up with you.
That's why everyone is always like, "Be yourself!!" . . but we think ourselves kinda suck and who'd want to deal with that? So we tend to make up crap or omit the fact that we drink and smoke.
Don't fret too much about this guy because ultimately he will relax and realize that the world isn't a series of black and white choices and that there is an ocean of grey out there. If he doesn't, then well.. why would you want to be with a tool like that anyway?
This is the dumbest thing I've ever read on these forums.
Instead, today we're going to have a quick lesson on agency. Agency is the capacity for a person or entity to act or behave independently in the world. Everyone of a certain maturity level who isn't also a psychopath or otherwise encumbered by some sort of antisocial personality disorder recognizes that all of us are possessed of an equal degree of agency -- that is to say, all of us are equally capable of acting and thinking for ourselves. To that end -- and without respect to issues of legality at play -- you are free to think and do the things that you want. So when you write that "I just want to be able to feel free to do it every now and then," well, guess what? That's technically true. It's certainly illegal, but none of us out here in society can force you to obey the law; society can only punish you after you've committed a crime.
Here's the other side of the coin, though: that also applies to your boyfriend. Just as you are free to hold your own opinion about the things that you do, your boyfriend is equally entitled to hold an opinion about those same actions. It's ludicrously immature for you to complain that you feel like your own opinion and agency is being restricted while in the same sentence invalidating his own right to his own individual opinion. If you feel that drugs are okay, you are entitled to believe that. He is equally entitled to believe that drugs are not okay. If you cannot reconcile yourself to remaining in a relationship where you are both equally entitled to your own opinions, I suggest you do the following two things:
1. Break up.
2. Grow up.
Stop dating people in highschool it wont get you anywhere! well... maybe somewhere. but that place is akward and gross and very well could lead to your reputation of whoring or being dumb or whatever.
As much as I enjoy my drugs today I am REALLY glad I didn't pick up the habits in high school. I had enough problems with those pesky grades as I can only assume you and all of us did. It might not be important to get that 4.0 but graduating is kinda like saying your not a complete loser. Marijuana will make you think things like: homework? il do the next one. And... If I do really badly on this test and really good on the rest of them I might just pass this class! Or maybe thats just me placing some kinda personality on an inanimate object.
Allright. thats all for my self righteous advice that will most likely go unheeded. I know I woudn't have taken it. BUT LOOK AT ME NOW! no don't look at me! I am shameful!
Oh and who wants to hang out with someone who doesn't like drugs? boring... well maybe if they were rich. jkjkjk
That said, having someone in your life who doesn't want you to do anything illegal or that they view as harmful isn't a bad thing and you should probably at least consider their perspective.