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Dieu et mon Dongs (Now just Paradox discussion)

Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
edited November 2013 in Social Entropy++
Lo! Behold thou a game born to Dongs, of the illustrious House Galore, in this the two thousand and thirteenth year in the light of Christ Jesus our Lord and Risen Savior. Yon game shall be named Crusader Kings the Second, may it reign long and well.

What's Crusader Kings II though?

Ck2 is a grand strategy medieval dynastic simulator video strategy game. Your mission is to guide your family through the Middle Ages, navigating a minefield of exploding manure pits and poisoned wine goblets. If you could never quite grasp why all the successful characters on Game of Thrones were such unremitting assholes, Crusader Kings II will clear it up. (ck2 protip: read Game of Thrones. Pay attention to what House Stark does. Do not do it.)

Whoever you start out as will die, as will all your other characters. Your job is to try to make sure they die of old age, and, more importantly, that the right son gets all their stuff when they die. This is harder than it sounds.

I meant to do this awhile ago, and sort of forgot, but now there's a bunch of people who just recently picked up CKII so I thought maybe this would be a appropriate time to run it. Plus EUIV is out now so if I ever actually finish this we could export the game into the next quatricentennial cycle!

How do you win

Well there's these crowns, see, and if you collect all the crowns you win Europe, but the problem is a bunch of other people have all the crowns. If you want to get a crown you have to make friends with one of the crownsmen, then marry your son to one of his vassals, then marry their grandson to crowndude's granddaughter. Then you pay off your crownfriend's priest to push him and his sons out a castle window so your grandson's hot new grandwife gets vast tracts of land which your great-grandson can inherit. Repeat several times for all of his relatives, and hooray you got the crown you won Europe - oh no wait your wife dropped a live viper down your doublet and remarried a hot Greek duke, oh no, oh no you lose, you lose at Europe

Alternatively there's this guy who's the Pope, and he's got the Top Crown, but that's God's crown so you can't have it. But if you kill lots of stout and hardy Pagans maybe he'll give you a crown of your own! However the crowns he gives you are usually full of Pagans who are unaccountably upset with you so this is not a 100% reliable means of crownment.


1st: choose a region/country for us to start in. (heads up we're gonna be starting as Dukes or Counts because just starting as a King is basically cheating) I have most of the DLC, so Catholic, Orthodox, Muslim and Pagan characters (also, republics) are all valid choices.

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1. Western Europe: France! England! Brittany! Wales! all your favorite parts of chivalric history. All Catholic. The Normans and Norwegians are at war with England. Capet France is the regional king shit. Probably the place most of you will be the most familiar with.

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2. Central/Eastern Europe: The Holy Roman Empire! Scandinavia! Poland! Bohemia! Russia! Mostly Catholic and Orthodox, some Pagan holdouts. The Salian dynasty controls the HRE, which is the most powerful force in the game but prone to internecine warfare between its many vassal kings and dukes. East of the Dneiper lie the disparate Russian kingdoms and steppe khanates.

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3. The Near East: The Byzantine Empire! Hungary! Turks! Arabs! Split between Orthodox and Muslims. Byzantium under House Doukas dominates the Balkans and Anatolia. The Seljuk Turks and Fatimid Caliphate control Persia and Egypt.

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4. The Mediterranean: Iberia! Berbers! Moors! Italy! Split between Catholics and Muslims. Leon and Castille are the most powerful Spanish kingdoms, against the Almoravids in Morocco and Andalusia. Italy is divided between many powerful duchies, roughly half of which owe fealty to the HRE.


Once there's a broad consensus on starting region (or I arbitrarily pick because everyone said different things/nobody replies because nobody loves the ol' Dongster) we may proceed to select a lusty young champion from whose loins to forge an immortal dynasty

Dongs Galore on
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Posts

  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    islam is the light

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    Go Basque!

    More female rulers wooooo!

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    And I want to see West African Paganism

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  • SanderJKSanderJK Crocodylus Pontifex Sinterklasicus Madrid, 3000 ADRegistered User regular
    A Duke on the eastern edge of the HRE can be pretty cool. Or may the Western side of the Byz, or in the Spanish Kingdoms. Basically edges of conflict.

    Islam is kinda unfun to play in my opinion. The only way to not get decadence f'd is being really gamey/murderous.
    Scandinivia in 1066 is pretty poor unless you win England as Harald, and doing it as a Viking in 867 is so unbalanced it's hilarious.

    Steam: SanderJK Origin: SanderJK
  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    Dubh wrote: »
    And I want to see West African Paganism

    I would, but I feel like they'd be kind of a boring LP simply because the region is so small and isolated from everything else

    also idk if I'm good enough to actually get anywhere with them without being curbstomped by the North African Muslim powers (based on my experience as Abyssinia, anyway)

  • HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    Dubh wrote: »
    And I want to see West African Paganism

    Yeah let's see some love for an African kingdom

  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    well if there's actually enough votes for Africa, then sure, I'll try it

    just specify West Africa (Pagan/Muslim) or East Africa (Miaphysite) too

  • StiltsStilts Registered User regular
    This is the thread I've been longing for.

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  • KetBraKetBra Dressed Ridiculously Registered User regular
    Abyssinia all the way.

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  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    so we've got like 3 for some kind of Africa so far

    1 for some kind of Islam

    1 for Iberian/Byzantine/HRE

  • QuantumTurkQuantumTurk Registered User regular
    I vote first of all for whatever lets the most family drama llama happen. If that means being western euro and christian, so be it. Failing that, play the Seljuks, wait for the right moment, and enact some forced westernization. I have never played this game, so I am assuming that everything I think you can do is possible.

  • premiumpremium Registered User regular
    Byzantine is always fun

  • QuantumTurkQuantumTurk Registered User regular
    Wait! No! Dongs, I don't know like, any history. But can you be the Lancasters? If you could just get a young sociopathic king...

  • Virgil_Leads_YouVirgil_Leads_You Proud Father House GardenerRegistered User regular
    Lets turn the world basque. It's a pain mechanically, as it makes inheritances more dangerous, but I'd think it would be the most fitting culture for an SE++ run.

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  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    all right then it's either Basques or Abyssinians

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    Let's go with... *flips a coin*

    Abyssinians!

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  • premiumpremium Registered User regular
    I'd prefer Basque because iirc they can do absolute cognastic succession

  • SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    go basque or go home

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  • HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    Dubh wrote: »
    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    Let's go with... *flips a coin*

    Abyssinians!

    I also flipped a coin and also got Abyssinians

  • Kane Red RobeKane Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    Navarre.

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Let's do Navarre for maximum family drama.

  • ProlegomenaProlegomena Frictionless Spinning The VoidRegistered User regular
    I vote for this going on sale again immediately.

  • StiltsStilts Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    I vote Navarre

    Actually Basque. Forgot Navarre wasn't a choice.

    Whoops!

    Stilts on
    IKknkhU.gif
  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    Basque!

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  • MachwingMachwing It looks like a harmless old computer, doesn't it? Left in this cave to rot ... or to flower!Registered User regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    islam is the light

    l3icwZV.png
  • EndEnd Registered User regular
    Wait! No! Dongs, I don't know like, any history. But can you be the Lancasters? If you could just get a young sociopathic king...

    Considering England has yet to be conquered by William the Conqueror for a few months (assuming that's starting on the normal start date and not old gods which is even earlier), I think the lancasters are a ways away

    I wish that someway, somehow, that I could save every one of us
    zaleiria-by-lexxy-sig.jpg
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Stilts wrote: »
    I vote Navarre

    Actually Basque. Forgot Navarre wasn't a choice.

    Whoops!

    Navarre is the Basque kingdom.

  • StiltsStilts Registered User regular
    Stilts wrote: »
    I vote Navarre

    Actually Basque. Forgot Navarre wasn't a choice.

    Whoops!

    Navarre is the Basque kingdom.

    ..................

    Example A of why I'm kinda bad at this game.

    IKknkhU.gif
  • TefTef Registered User regular
    Byzantines!!

    Pluck out treasonous underling's eyes!

    I think they can castrate people too?

    help a fellow forumer meet their mental health care needs because USA healthcare sucks!

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
  • MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    Imprison everyone.

  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    we can do Basques but I'd prefer not to start at the rank of Monarch

    however in the 987 start there is the Duke of Gasconge in southern France who's Basque, or the Duke of Aragon

    I've never run a full 987 campaign so I'd be down for that

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    The Navarrese king in 1066 has a count under him who has dynastical ties to all but one of the northern Iberian kingdoms. Thought that could make for some good action.

  • GumpyGumpy There is always a greater powerRegistered User regular
    Start in Iceland, conquer your way south

  • Peter EbelPeter Ebel CopenhagenRegistered User regular
    Man, I want to start as a boss of Novgorod.

    Put the Nevsky on these bitches and their Roman wizard.

    Fuck off and die.
  • VicVic Registered User regular
    Gumpy wrote: »
    Start in Iceland, conquer your way south

    Go with this, and never create any kingdom titles. Remain the lord of Iceland for the whole game.

  • UnbrokenEvaUnbrokenEva HIGH ON THE WIRE BUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered User regular
    I was going to suggest that Viking count/duke that has a toehold in Brittany

  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    Fearghaill wrote: »
    I was going to suggest that Viking count/duke that has a toehold in Brittany

    I always did kinda like that guy

    The general consensus seems to run Basquewards though so we're probably looking at 987 Gasconge, unless anyone would strongly prefer to see 1066

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    Peter Ebel wrote: »
    Man, I want to start as a boss of Novgorod.

    Put the Nevsky on these bitches and their Roman wizard.

    fucking Novgorod

    on my current Russian game, it took me awhile to cripple their power base

    now Belo Orzo's up my ass, but he ain't got nothing on the Novs

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  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    Gumpy wrote: »
    Start in Iceland, conquer your way south

    It is almost impossible to do anything as Iceland because they start so damn poor

  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    True story Iceland wasn't even populated by humans in 987

    The only reason it is in-game is the engine can't handle unpopulated land

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