Panic attacks, depression, and being a stay at home mom

MrsInkSplatMrsInkSplat Registered User new member
I have lurked here for years, but this is my first time posting. Just watching how supportive and helpful everyone here in this community is is absolutely amazing.

First, some background. I am a 29 year old SAHM to a wonderful 15 month old boy, Sawyer. He is the sweetest, most curious, amazing boy. I have also dealt with depression most of my life although it was never bad enough for me to seek treatment. I also started having panic attacks, infrequent and unidentified, a couple years ago. Back in April, we moved from Baltimore, maryland (where my family is) to a small town in southern Oregon. I struggled a lot leading up to the move and actually saw a therapist at the last minute to get medication just to make it through the cross country flight. Once we got there, I calmed down a little bit, but after a two week visit to see my family, I started down the road for treatment.

The first therapist I saw, I saw mainly for my panic attacks. And that did help at the time, but it's gotten much worse again. So now I'm seeing a different therapist, on my way to get state health insurance, and I've set up an appointment with a primary care, though that isn't until the 21st of January. I also ended up in the hospital one night about three weeks ago because i almost passed out whe it was just me and my son in the house and I got so anxious I worked myself into a panic attack. They prescribed me some ativan (which is the same medication I got for the move and took as needed). 20 1mg pills. I always cut them in half and only take both halves if I absolutely need to. These are not something I want to be on long term and I'm just counting the days until I can actually see my primary.

But the main thing I need advice about is in regards to my husband. This has been a very long process and its understandably been very hard on him. I just feel so guilty about everything I've been putting him through and that I can't just will myself to be better. For him and for my son. Every day is just so hard. I'm constantly tired, I want to cry at least a quarter of the day, I'm nauseous a pretty good amou t of the time, and its such a struggle to stay calm. And then that just makes him not want to be around me, because I'm so negative all the time. And then that makes me feel worse because not only is he upset with me, he's not spending the time with his son, who he doesn't see a lot since he works. I just don't know how to make this easier on him when I need so much right now. It's hard enough to do everyday household chores at the moment.

There's a lot more i could go into, but I feel like this is a good start.

Posts

  • Gilbert0Gilbert0 North of SeattleRegistered User regular
    By almost passing out and being the only care-giver to your son, that could be a cause for concern. What you've done is GREAT, making an appointment to have someone talk to is AWESOME but if your concerned about your son, could you make an emphasis on you need to see someone NOW. Either emphasize that with your general care (are there any cancellations? If there are, can you take them?) or even the ER again that they can refer you to someone.

    My wife is in a sort of similar situation. We have a 8 month old and has mood swings / depression / anxiety and went off her medication for the pregnancy. She also had Ativan but she only took it for when she had panic attacks. It wasn't here everyday prescription. She's starting back on her meds again now that our son is born and not 100% on breast milk.

    #1 - You're not alone. While not a medical professional, my wife had the same concerns as you. Thinking it's impacting me and my son a lot. In actuality, she was internalizing a LOT of it. I saw like 10% of it and "blamed" it on lack of sleep. I didn't have the full picture.

    #2 - This can be still a hold over of postpartum depression. Again, not a medical professional but it is NOT uncommon, directly from the Canadian Mental Health website , up to 80% of woman can feel it right after birth, and up to 20% for up to a year later, NO ONE KNOWS THOUGH because of under reporting of this. I'm sure with predisposed anxiety, it doesn't help.

    Again, my advice, try to talk with a professional as soon as you can. If you can't talk with a professional, maybe try friends (which is hard with a topic like this) or even the Kid Thread in SE, we're always there to listen.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I am in a very similar situation right now, actually. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.. I know it gets lonely and I know it gets scary, and there is definitely a sense of guilt but a desire to do the best for your kid's health.

    It's a complicated situation, especially with family so far.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    RichardTauber
  • MentalExerciseMentalExercise Indefenestrable Registered User regular
    There are two things that have helped both my wife and I with the intermittent depression that has come with the massive changes in having 3 children in 3 years (twins, then a singleton).

    Depression almost always involves guilt, which makes things so much worse. We've made a point of reminding ourselves and each other that depression is not something you do; it is something that happens to you. There is no more to feel guilty about than if you got the flu.

    The second is twofold: as has been said, it is likely not making as big an impact on your husband as you fear; and a tight hug at the end of a hard day can be an invaluable reassurance, to both of you.

    Something to reiterate, that I suspect you don't need reminding of, but others might; these are absolutely band aids for symptoms, not solutions for depression.

    "More fish for Kunta!"

    --LeVar Burton
  • PantshandshakePantshandshake Registered User regular
    I'm torn here. On one hand, I've got some experience as a husband with a wife who has some depression. On the other hand, I understand that my views and reactions to things aren't... typical.

    At any rate, here's my deal in a nutshell: If my wife needs to talk about things, I talk. If she needs me to be quiet and supportive, whether I think that's what I should do or not, I'm quiet and supportive, because that's what she needs. Or, you know, if there's something else, then that's what I do. Aside from that, I don't do the meta "Wife is depressed, now I'm depressed because she's depressed, and now's she depressed because I'm depressed." That's counter productive, and doesn't help anyone.

    So, I would say, have a chat with your husband. He may not be anything like me. He might have a fully functioning empathy circuit. In any case, maybe you can remove or mitigate a source of stress by finding out that he actually isn't as bothered by this as you think he is.

    I re-wrote some of this before posting. I don't think I'm coming off as a goose, so I'm going to go ahead and click post. If this offends you, I sincerely apologize; offense is not my intention.

  • MentalExerciseMentalExercise Indefenestrable Registered User regular
    I'm torn here. On one hand, I've got some experience as a husband with a wife who has some depression. On the other hand, I understand that my views and reactions to things aren't... typical.

    At any rate, here's my deal in a nutshell: If my wife needs to talk about things, I talk. If she needs me to be quiet and supportive, whether I think that's what I should do or not, I'm quiet and supportive, because that's what she needs. Or, you know, if there's something else, then that's what I do. Aside from that, I don't do the meta "Wife is depressed, now I'm depressed because she's depressed, and now's she depressed because I'm depressed." That's counter productive, and doesn't help anyone.

    So, I would say, have a chat with your husband. He may not be anything like me. He might have a fully functioning empathy circuit. In any case, maybe you can remove or mitigate a source of stress by finding out that he actually isn't as bothered by this as you think he is.

    I re-wrote some of this before posting. I don't think I'm coming off as a goose, so I'm going to go ahead and click post. If this offends you, I sincerely apologize; offense is not my intention.

    Nice post.

    "More fish for Kunta!"

    --LeVar Burton
  • CliffCliff Registered User regular
    I am wondering, is being a stay at home mother what you want, or what your husband wants? It seems to me it would be incredibly lonely to be home all day in a new place with nothing but your new child. If you do not want to pursue employment, I would recommend finding some social hobbies outside the home.

    Essee
  • LewieP's MummyLewieP's Mummy Registered User regular
    Oh, honey, give yourself a little break here! A study showed in the UK that 1 in 4 mums of under 5 year olds is clinically depressed. Its such hard work being a parent, AND you've moved a long way away from your support network. No wonder you're finding it hard.

    Yes, continue to get help, its good for you and your little family. Your husband needs to step up and support you, you need/deserve it, too. Yes, you're being loving and supportive of him, but you know, caring for a little one is HARD WORK! Even when you're emotionally well it is hard work, he needs to understand that.

    In context, I too have had mental health issues - when my children were young and again a couple of years ago. To get better, I needed support - from my doctor, from medication and from my husband and friends. I also did a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course online called Living Life To The Full - that really helped me break the negative thought patterns I had slipped into and helped my recovery. I still use some of the mental exercises I learnt on that course now.

    Rest when Sawyer rests/naps, give yourself little goals to achieve, and when you do achieve them, celebrate the hell out of them! Do you have any parent and toddler groups you can join local to you, so that you can meet other parents and make friends? I joined the National Childbirth Trust in the UK and found it a total lifesaver - everyone got it about how hard it is being a parent, and I made some really good friends there.

    For all the top UK Gaming Bargains, check out SavyGamer

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    "The power of the weirdness compels me."
    Esseeceres
  • RichardTauberRichardTauber Kvlt Registered User regular
    Yeah, give yourself a break. A lot of breaks, actually. You're working hard and having a rough time.

  • MrsInkSplatMrsInkSplat Registered User new member
    Thank you so much everyone for all the support. It really means a lot to me. Things have started getting better with my husband as I talked to him about everything and we made it a point to not dwell on the bad stuff. And he helps me remember that I don't have anything to feel guilty for, which has been one of my biggest problems.

    To address something else that was brought up: I am trying to get out there socially to meet other mommies, it's just harder as my husband and I share a car. But I may have some play dates in the near future! It's something I've been looking forward to. :)

    Also as an update, I was able to see my primary doctor (who is the same as my son's) and talk to him briefly during my son's appointment. I have now started birth control and have a perscription for Paxil. I was thinking of starting another thred, but has anyone here had any dealings with it? Good, bad, when I should take, things to look out for?

  • MrsInkSplatMrsInkSplat Registered User new member
    I'm torn here. On one hand, I've got some experience as a husband with a wife who has some depression. On the other hand, I understand that my views and reactions to things aren't... typical.

    At any rate, here's my deal in a nutshell: If my wife needs to talk about things, I talk. If she needs me to be quiet and supportive, whether I think that's what I should do or not, I'm quiet and supportive, because that's what she needs. Or, you know, if there's something else, then that's what I do. Aside from that, I don't do the meta "Wife is depressed, now I'm depressed because she's depressed, and now's she depressed because I'm depressed." That's counter productive, and doesn't help anyone.

    So, I would say, have a chat with your husband. He may not be anything like me. He might have a fully functioning empathy circuit. In any case, maybe you can remove or mitigate a source of stress by finding out that he actually isn't as bothered by this as you think he is.

    I re-wrote some of this before posting. I don't think I'm coming off as a goose, so I'm going to go ahead and click post. If this offends you, I sincerely apologize; offense is not my intention.


    I was not offended in any way! But talking definitely helped.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Just a quick note about these medications: if you are still breastfeeding you need to make sure you mention that to the prescribing doctor(s).

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    cabsy
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