What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
You don't have anything to lose. Two possible outcomes:
1) She was hesitant to reply, and your second message makes her think you are really interested, so she replies.
2) She is not interested, and your second message makes her think you are creepy.
1 is a possible gain. 2 isn't any more of a loss than you already have. Go for it.
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
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AstaerethIn the belly of the beastRegistered Userregular
It's a loss for society, _J_.
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
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KupotheAvengerDestroyer of Cakeand other deserts.Registered Userregular
So this isn't good. On OKC it seems I'm down to looking at who's new, and sending them a message along with every other guy on the site because that's all I haven't sent messages to that I'm interested in in this place in time (no kids right now, maybe someday I'll be willing to go there again). And every time I come across a profile that seems interesting on PoF it's almost guaranteed I've messaged them before. So I think I need to just delete everything, figure out what the fuck is going on, and start again in a month or something. I don't even know what happened with the two actual conversations that I thought might turn into something. One just stopped replying on PoF when I offered drinks, the other we were texting, she even called once, and I tried to set something up and never heard from her again either. At this point it's just tiring. 5 months being on there, untold messages sent, 2 or 3 conversations, no dates.
So fun idea which i just tried. Go through all of your messages that you sent but didn't receive a response. Delete said messages. Wait for a few months time, then if said person is still on OKC, send a new message. I messaged a lady way back in december and never so much as received a view. Possibly bad timing when I sent the message. Regardless I wiped all of my previously sent messages and thought I'd start anew after I have new photos and something more clever for my profile. I did. She contacted me back. So don't count yourself out if you've messaged all the ladies. Sometimes they delete without ever reading the content and I can almost guarantee that they don't remember your screenname if they never messaged you back. New pics and revamped profile might be enough to take a second shot.
@Tommatt I have your photos btw. I'll shoot them over asap.
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
Obviously, we draw the line at actionable offenses.
Sending a second message after a few months of no response hardly seems problematic.
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
Obviously, we draw the line at actionable offenses.
Sending a second message after a few months of no response hardly seems problematic.
Yeah, I was very careful to point out that your advice crossed no lines. But the whole "what you want matters more than what another person might feel" vibe your logic suggested is.... slightly scary, even if you are careful not to cross lines.
I'd be more likely to advocate for more of a "what other people think/feel matters just as much as what I think/feel" sort of line of thought.
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
Obviously, we draw the line at actionable offenses.
Sending a second message after a few months of no response hardly seems problematic.
Yeah, I was very careful to point out that your advice crossed no lines. But the whole "what you want matters more than what another person might feel" vibe your logic suggested is.... slightly scary, even if you are careful not to cross lines.
I'd be more likely to advocate for more of a "what other people think/feel matters just as much as what I think/feel" sort of line of thought.
Sure, but we can't know what other people think/feel. So, there's no reason to assume the worst.
When someone does not reply to a message, there are at least two stories to tell.
1) She has no interest in me, and so intentionally did not reply.
2) She is really busy and overlooked my message.
When it comes to sending a second message after a few weeks / months, I think it's fine to go for #2.
The problem is when one takes this notion to the, "Oh, she must have called the police because she's playing hard to get." level. That is obviously problematic. Because, actionable.
Sending a couple messages spaced over a few weeks / months is hardly stalking or problematic. People are on these sites so they will receive messages. They are not on the sites to collect stalkers who will sort through their trash and track their daily schedule.
So this isn't good. On OKC it seems I'm down to looking at who's new, and sending them a message along with every other guy on the site because that's all I haven't sent messages to that I'm interested in in this place in time (no kids right now, maybe someday I'll be willing to go there again). And every time I come across a profile that seems interesting on PoF it's almost guaranteed I've messaged them before. So I think I need to just delete everything, figure out what the fuck is going on, and start again in a month or something. I don't even know what happened with the two actual conversations that I thought might turn into something. One just stopped replying on PoF when I offered drinks, the other we were texting, she even called once, and I tried to set something up and never heard from her again either. At this point it's just tiring. 5 months being on there, untold messages sent, 2 or 3 conversations, no dates.
So fun idea which i just tried. Go through all of your messages that you sent but didn't receive a response. Delete said messages. Wait for a few months time, then if said person is still on OKC, send a new message. I messaged a lady way back in december and never so much as received a view. Possibly bad timing when I sent the message. Regardless I wiped all of my previously sent messages and thought I'd start anew after I have new photos and something more clever for my profile. I did. She contacted me back. So don't count yourself out if you've messaged all the ladies. Sometimes they delete without ever reading the content and I can almost guarantee that they don't remember your screenname if they never messaged you back. New pics and revamped profile might be enough to take a second shot.
@Tommatt I have your photos btw. I'll shoot them over asap.
Well that's why I'm thinking about deleting everything and taking a break for a little bit, just start over on it, make them all have to reject me a second time without realizing it. Take some time maybe work on getting a few new pictures, and make a different first impression when I pop up under new users.
Tommatt on
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
Obviously, we draw the line at actionable offenses.
Sending a second message after a few months of no response hardly seems problematic.
Yeah, I was very careful to point out that your advice crossed no lines. But the whole "what you want matters more than what another person might feel" vibe your logic suggested is.... slightly scary, even if you are careful not to cross lines.
I'd be more likely to advocate for more of a "what other people think/feel matters just as much as what I think/feel" sort of line of thought.
Sure, but we can't know what other people think/feel. So, there's no reason to assume the worst.
When someone does not reply to a message, there are at least two stories to tell.
1) She has no interest in me, and so intentionally did not reply.
2) She is really busy and overlooked my message.
When it comes to sending a second message after a few weeks / months, I think it's fine to go for #2.
The problem is when one takes this notion to the, "Oh, she must have called the police because she's playing hard to get." level. That is obviously problematic. Because, actionable.
Sending a couple messages spaced over a few weeks / months is hardly stalking or problematic. People are on these sites so they will receive messages. They are not on the sites to collect stalkers who will sort through their trash and track their daily schedule.
I think we're agreed, then?
If you don't think you're coming off as creepy, sending an additional message when the person hasn't replied to the first is fine.
If you're in a situation where you're worried that you're coming off as creepy, maybe think twice before you send off that message. And don't just shrug your shoulders and go "I don't care if I weird this person out because what they think doesn't matter if they aren't going to date me".
It's a socially accepted convention that a non-response on a dating site is a rejection. Is that 100% of the time true? No. But when you set force a policy of pushing past non-responses, you are demonstrating either ignorance or disregard of that policy and guaranteeing that you will be pushing past a lot of rejections, which can be argued to be distasteful.
It's a socially accepted convention that a non-response on a dating site is a rejection. Is that 100% of the time true? No. But when you set force a policy of pushing past non-responses, you are demonstrating either ignorance or disregard of that policy and guaranteeing that you will be pushing past a lot of rejections, which can be argued to be distasteful.
Agreed.
If you want to send a second message, and think maybe you still have a shot, it's worth hazarding the possibility of acting distastefully just to ease your mind about the situation.
If she isn't interested, you don't lose anything.
If she was interested and missed your message, you gain something.
I think we agree on the situation. My suggestion is that it's ok to be distasteful sometimes. So long as those distasteful actions are not actionable.
I'm usually not terribly put off by a second message, say, two or three months later. But within a few days? or a third or fourth message? That falls into the "Um, if I'd wanted to respond, I would have, guy" territory that Inkstain is accurately describing.
What is the protocol on a follow-up message after no response to a first message? I read a website that suggests doing that if you haven't heard back in a few days and you notice they've been online. It seems borderline creepy to me.
Definitely creepy. Do not follow up if she does not respond.
That's what I figured, it's not something I would have tried anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive to acting creepy, which is why I thougt I'd ask. The main reason I don't ask women out often is because I don't want to seem like a creep.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
It may not be a net loss for you, but the person who is on the receiving end of second messages from a number of dudes is definitely going to color their emotional reaction to dating
I appreciate (if a bit grossed out by the terminology) that y'all are trying to exploit all options to find a date, but there's a human being on the other end that for some reason or another decided not to respond to your first message. Pushing past that, trying to force a response--positive or negative--is not just creepy but kinda violating the other person's choice to not respond
I must say I did rather enjoy the lady who wrote back "sorry TC but I'm not interested" I knew she read it, looked at my profile, and wasn't interested. Hide her profile, done. But I understand the sheer volume of messages ladies get on the sites. Hell, OKC monetized it by letting you pay to get your message in a full inbox.
I can't even be mad, Jess. If there was a post of mine to "Hail Hydra", it was probably that one.
You literally cut off one and two others appeared, how could I not?
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DragkoniasThat Guy Who Does StuffYou Know, There. Registered Userregular
So I have a question for you guys. Like how many messages would you say you send out on a weekly average?
Just asking because I don't know I've been doing this for two months now and I don't know but I haven't been having the best of luck.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Like I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I will admit my first month I wasn't too active because well, I was kind of nervous. Now in the second month I go from being nervous, picky, self-critical, not caring, then back to nervous again.
And I don't know, like my family/friends tell me I have to just keep trying but I am the type of personal who will spend like 1 or 2 days trying to figure out where they messed up.
If a first message didn't get a response, what could anyone possibly say that would change someone's mind in a second message? It's widely accepted that no response is a rejection. They know this and chose not to respond. They know you know this as well and yet you chose to send another message. Your perseverance won't come off as endearing.
If you try to flirt with someone offline and they don't reciprocate, you wouldn't try again. You'd take the hint. Or should.
So I have a question for you guys. Like how many messages would you say you send out on a weekly average?
Just asking because I don't know I've been doing this for two months now and I don't know but I haven't been having the best of luck.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Like I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I will admit my first month I wasn't too active because well, I was kind of nervous. Now in the second month I go from being nervous, picky, self-critical, not caring, then back to nervous again.
And I don't know, like my family/friends tell me I have to just keep trying but I am the type of personal who will spend like 1 or 2 days trying to figure out where they messed up.
I can empathize with trying to figure things out, but you can't just assume you did something wrong. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Eight matches isn't enough to draw any conclusions. Don't take it to heart.
So I have a question for you guys. Like how many messages would you say you send out on a weekly average?
Just asking because I don't know I've been doing this for two months now and I don't know but I haven't been having the best of luck.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Like I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I will admit my first month I wasn't too active because well, I was kind of nervous. Now in the second month I go from being nervous, picky, self-critical, not caring, then back to nervous again.
And I don't know, like my family/friends tell me I have to just keep trying but I am the type of personal who will spend like 1 or 2 days trying to figure out where they messed up.
It varies. A lot of us have different levels of activity at different times of the year or just decide to take breaks. It's going to depend on area too. People in more densely populated areas tend to have more people to message.
Weeks I do message have ranged anywhere from just 1 to 20 but a more common number in a suburban area a county away from Washington DC is roughly 3-10 a week, usually between Sunday and Wednesday (I'm effectively not home Thursdays and Fridays due to activities).
The nervousness should go away after a while. You'll evolve the bit of apathy most of us in the thread have to varying degrees until you get a reply and then you go through the nervous cycle again.
If a first message didn't get a response, what could anyone possibly say that would change someone's mind in a second message? It's widely accepted that no response is a rejection. They know this and chose not to respond.
Except that you don't unless they visited your profile and then didn't respond. We have multiple people in this thread who've have people that didn't initially respond due to not seeing the first message in a flood or being too busy respond to another message months later. And what people look for can change after a while as well as what you have on your profile or pictures.
I don't really send out messages that often. Maybe one or two a week. I get a fair amount of messages, so I generally just respond to those.
Your initial response rate is actually pretty decent, @Dragkonias. The last time I looked at the metrics, the average response rate on OKC was somewhere around 32%, so your 50% is doing quite well. Good work!
When you say you "didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage", what do you mean, exactly? Do you mean that when you ask them to meet up, they say no or disappear? Or do you mean instead that you're having trouble even progressing to the point where you ask them to meet up?
My initial impression is that you're probably overthinking most of these steps, so the best advice is to just try to relax and have fun, and try not to view online dating as high-pressure. Of course, that is ALSO terrible advice, because it's the epitome of "easier said than done".
They are not on the sites to collect stalkers who will sort through their trash and track their daily schedule.
Their loss. Personally, I like it when someone rifles through my trash for me; sometimes I'm bad at recycling and it helps to have a second set of eyes to look for all the pieces I missed and also to make sure I properly shreded all my sensitive documentation.
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DragkoniasThat Guy Who Does StuffYou Know, There. Registered Userregular
Well, I mean I was talking to the girls but honestly I felt I was doing most of the talking.
Like one girl never got back to me.
The other said she was busy with her finals and I told her to message me if she ever wanted to get back at me. Didn't happen.
Another girl I talked to a bit but she didn't really give me much in the way of things and I wasn't really feeling the conversation.
Forgot what happened with the fourth.
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
Ran off with an eccentric British man into some kind of blue phone box, never to be seen or heard from again.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Nothing wrong with being selective about who you send messages to. I encourage it.
My first thought is that 4 responses and no dates might be a sign that you aren't asking for dates quickly enough. A message on a dating site is an implied "I want to go on a date with you." A response is usually an implied "I want that too." You should be asking to meet in person fairly quickly after the first response.
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DragkoniasThat Guy Who Does StuffYou Know, There. Registered Userregular
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Nothing wrong with being selective about who you send messages to. I encourage it.
My first thought is that 4 responses and no dates might be a sign that you aren't asking for dates quickly enough. A message on a dating site is an implied "I want to go on a date with you." A response is usually an implied "I want that too." You should be asking to meet in person fairly quickly after the first response.
Yeah, I think this is my main issue.
Why I said I would be more straight to the point in the future.
So I have a question for you guys. Like how many messages would you say you send out on a weekly average?
Just asking because I don't know I've been doing this for two months now and I don't know but I haven't been having the best of luck.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Like I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I will admit my first month I wasn't too active because well, I was kind of nervous. Now in the second month I go from being nervous, picky, self-critical, not caring, then back to nervous again.
And I don't know, like my family/friends tell me I have to just keep trying but I am the type of personal who will spend like 1 or 2 days trying to figure out where they messed up.
If a first message didn't get a response, what could anyone possibly say that would change someone's mind in a second message? It's widely accepted that no response is a rejection. They know this and chose not to respond.
Except that you don't unless they visited your profile and then didn't respond. We have multiple people in this thread who've have people that didn't initially respond due to not seeing the first message in a flood or being too busy respond to another message months later. And what people look for can change after a while as well as what you have on your profile or pictures.
"After a while" being key. You send a message again after a few days you're probably going to seem creepy. Why you'd even do that without checking if they'd at least logged in since the first message is beyond me.
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
Posts
You don't have anything to lose. Two possible outcomes:
1) She was hesitant to reply, and your second message makes her think you are really interested, so she replies.
2) She is not interested, and your second message makes her think you are creepy.
1 is a possible gain. 2 isn't any more of a loss than you already have. Go for it.
You have to decide on your goals.
If your goal is to not have random strangers think you are creepy, then you're doing fine.
If your goal is to exploit all options to find a date, then send another message.
If someone who has no interest in you, who you will never meet, thinks you are creepy, that isn't really a net loss.
As a general life rule I would suggest avoiding the above advice. As far as it's given it's not actually bad, but if you take the same logic and go farther than what _J_ is advocating you get to becoming a stalker and other bad places.
An alternative is just to behave like a non-creepy person would (assuming you are not actually creepy naturally) and see where that takes you. If only out of consideration for the women who may or may not be rejecting you at the time, who undoubtably already deal with a high volume of creepiness in their own dating lives.
So fun idea which i just tried. Go through all of your messages that you sent but didn't receive a response. Delete said messages. Wait for a few months time, then if said person is still on OKC, send a new message. I messaged a lady way back in december and never so much as received a view. Possibly bad timing when I sent the message. Regardless I wiped all of my previously sent messages and thought I'd start anew after I have new photos and something more clever for my profile. I did. She contacted me back. So don't count yourself out if you've messaged all the ladies. Sometimes they delete without ever reading the content and I can almost guarantee that they don't remember your screenname if they never messaged you back. New pics and revamped profile might be enough to take a second shot.
@Tommatt I have your photos btw. I'll shoot them over asap.
Battlenet: Judgement#1243
psn: KupoZero
Obviously, we draw the line at actionable offenses.
Sending a second message after a few months of no response hardly seems problematic.
Yeah, I was very careful to point out that your advice crossed no lines. But the whole "what you want matters more than what another person might feel" vibe your logic suggested is.... slightly scary, even if you are careful not to cross lines.
I'd be more likely to advocate for more of a "what other people think/feel matters just as much as what I think/feel" sort of line of thought.
Sure, but we can't know what other people think/feel. So, there's no reason to assume the worst.
When someone does not reply to a message, there are at least two stories to tell.
1) She has no interest in me, and so intentionally did not reply.
2) She is really busy and overlooked my message.
When it comes to sending a second message after a few weeks / months, I think it's fine to go for #2.
The problem is when one takes this notion to the, "Oh, she must have called the police because she's playing hard to get." level. That is obviously problematic. Because, actionable.
Sending a couple messages spaced over a few weeks / months is hardly stalking or problematic. People are on these sites so they will receive messages. They are not on the sites to collect stalkers who will sort through their trash and track their daily schedule.
Well that's why I'm thinking about deleting everything and taking a break for a little bit, just start over on it, make them all have to reject me a second time without realizing it. Take some time maybe work on getting a few new pictures, and make a different first impression when I pop up under new users.
I think we're agreed, then?
If you don't think you're coming off as creepy, sending an additional message when the person hasn't replied to the first is fine.
If you're in a situation where you're worried that you're coming off as creepy, maybe think twice before you send off that message. And don't just shrug your shoulders and go "I don't care if I weird this person out because what they think doesn't matter if they aren't going to date me".
It's a socially accepted convention that a non-response on a dating site is a rejection. Is that 100% of the time true? No. But when you set force a policy of pushing past non-responses, you are demonstrating either ignorance or disregard of that policy and guaranteeing that you will be pushing past a lot of rejections, which can be argued to be distasteful.
Agreed.
If you want to send a second message, and think maybe you still have a shot, it's worth hazarding the possibility of acting distastefully just to ease your mind about the situation.
If she isn't interested, you don't lose anything.
If she was interested and missed your message, you gain something.
I think we agree on the situation. My suggestion is that it's ok to be distasteful sometimes. So long as those distasteful actions are not actionable.
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It may not be a net loss for you, but the person who is on the receiving end of second messages from a number of dudes is definitely going to color their emotional reaction to dating
I appreciate (if a bit grossed out by the terminology) that y'all are trying to exploit all options to find a date, but there's a human being on the other end that for some reason or another decided not to respond to your first message. Pushing past that, trying to force a response--positive or negative--is not just creepy but kinda violating the other person's choice to not respond
I do. On average about 1 a week.
Two weekends ago, I did the internet dating trifecta: one Tinder date, one OkCupid date, and one Craigslist date.
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You literally cut off one and two others appeared, how could I not?
Just asking because I don't know I've been doing this for two months now and I don't know but I haven't been having the best of luck.
That said...I think its also a problem on my end because honestly, I've only sent out message to maybe 8 different girls. 4 replied but I didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage.
Like I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I will admit my first month I wasn't too active because well, I was kind of nervous. Now in the second month I go from being nervous, picky, self-critical, not caring, then back to nervous again.
And I don't know, like my family/friends tell me I have to just keep trying but I am the type of personal who will spend like 1 or 2 days trying to figure out where they messed up.
If you try to flirt with someone offline and they don't reciprocate, you wouldn't try again. You'd take the hint. Or should.
I can empathize with trying to figure things out, but you can't just assume you did something wrong. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Eight matches isn't enough to draw any conclusions. Don't take it to heart.
It varies. A lot of us have different levels of activity at different times of the year or just decide to take breaks. It's going to depend on area too. People in more densely populated areas tend to have more people to message.
Weeks I do message have ranged anywhere from just 1 to 20 but a more common number in a suburban area a county away from Washington DC is roughly 3-10 a week, usually between Sunday and Wednesday (I'm effectively not home Thursdays and Fridays due to activities).
The nervousness should go away after a while. You'll evolve the bit of apathy most of us in the thread have to varying degrees until you get a reply and then you go through the nervous cycle again.
Except that you don't unless they visited your profile and then didn't respond. We have multiple people in this thread who've have people that didn't initially respond due to not seeing the first message in a flood or being too busy respond to another message months later. And what people look for can change after a while as well as what you have on your profile or pictures.
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Your initial response rate is actually pretty decent, @Dragkonias. The last time I looked at the metrics, the average response rate on OKC was somewhere around 32%, so your 50% is doing quite well. Good work!
When you say you "didn't really manage to get pass the talking stage", what do you mean, exactly? Do you mean that when you ask them to meet up, they say no or disappear? Or do you mean instead that you're having trouble even progressing to the point where you ask them to meet up?
My initial impression is that you're probably overthinking most of these steps, so the best advice is to just try to relax and have fun, and try not to view online dating as high-pressure. Of course, that is ALSO terrible advice, because it's the epitome of "easier said than done".
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Their loss. Personally, I like it when someone rifles through my trash for me; sometimes I'm bad at recycling and it helps to have a second set of eyes to look for all the pieces I missed and also to make sure I properly shreded all my sensitive documentation.
Like one girl never got back to me.
The other said she was busy with her finals and I told her to message me if she ever wanted to get back at me. Didn't happen.
Another girl I talked to a bit but she didn't really give me much in the way of things and I wasn't really feeling the conversation.
Forgot what happened with the fourth.
Holy shit if the fella is a time lord my life just got really awesome
I've been on ... 7 or 8 since January when my divorce was legally finalized.
Nothing wrong with being selective about who you send messages to. I encourage it.
My first thought is that 4 responses and no dates might be a sign that you aren't asking for dates quickly enough. A message on a dating site is an implied "I want to go on a date with you." A response is usually an implied "I want that too." You should be asking to meet in person fairly quickly after the first response.
Yeah, I think this is my main issue.
Why I said I would be more straight to the point in the future.
"After a while" being key. You send a message again after a few days you're probably going to seem creepy. Why you'd even do that without checking if they'd at least logged in since the first message is beyond me.
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT EVERY DRUNKEN BRITISH MAN IN POSSESSION OF A BLUE CARDBOARD BOX IS A TIMELORD
AT BEST HE IS A HORNY HOBO, AT WORST HE IS A SERIAL KILLER
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Think you mixed up best and worst.
Also on dates number: zero for me because BFE.
Ladies and gentlemen I think we've found our serial killing British man with a blue cardboard box.
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
GOD DAMMIT WOMAN YOUR SKIN IS GOING TO END UP BEING A HUMAN JACKET FOR SOME ENGLISH CANNIBAL ASSHOLE WHO LOOKS LIKE A MOLDY CHRISTOPHER ECCELSTON
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