As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

Healing heartbreak?

SophieEavesSophieEaves Registered User new member
Sorry for the rant, I just don't have anyone who would understand my problem right now and I don't know what to do. I feel like no no one is every going to love me. I've never had a real boyfriend, although I've had a few one night stands. What always happens is that boys will have sex with me but don't want a relationship. I should have got used to rejection by now, but I keep letting my hopes get raised, and I really thought this one might be different.
I met him at a party last week, and I thought we really hit it off. We danced all night, and then he walked me home. I don't know why, but I suddenly thought I should take a chance, and he seemed like he was really into me, so I kissed him, and invited him in. One thing led to another, and the sex was really different to before - he was really attentive, and it was amazing for me. Guys are not usually that into my body, and to be honest I know I'm not classically good looking.
After we had sex again the next morning I thought that things had gone really well, and assumed we would see each other again. I was in tears that night when he didn't call, and two days later I broke down and called him. I was hoping he might have forgotten my number, but instead he sounded distracted, and said that he really liked having sex with me, and really liked parts of my body, but didn't see the relationship going anywhere because his frat buddies had 'standards' about physical attractiveness.
I was devastated - I really thought he might have liked me, and I had let myself fall for him far more than I should.
How can I get over this, and more importantly, am I doomed to have this happen to me every time?

Posts

  • PantshandshakePantshandshake Registered User regular
    The usual response is going to be something along the lines of 'time heals all wounds,' which is true. There's also probably some resources available at your school (your post indicates a college of some sort) if you need to speak to someone one on one.

    As for you being doomed to have this happen every time... My advice? Stop picking up 'frat guys' at parties. Try and find some sort off group activity where you can make an actual connection with someone without drinking and partying and such.

    Macro9EmbraceThePingCambiataMulletude
  • FireflashFireflash Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
    It's a shitty situation and these kind of situations might happen to you again.

    Based on this post, you need to work on yourself and work on your expectations of relationships. You're not wrong to feel bad about the whole thing, but someone "breaking down" because I didn't call them back 1 day after meeting them for the first time would be a huge red flag, no matter what my intentions were.

    Building up huge expectations for someone you've just met, whether you had sex with them or not, is just asking for sad times. It's fine and totally normal to be disappointed. But it doesn't have to be this giant emotional rollercoaster that takes you from heaven to the lower pits of hell. You need to try to have a "I'm excited but let's just see where this goes" attitude. I'm fully aware that this is not easy: no one can just flip a switch to change how they think and feel, or change how they emotionally deal with situations. It's something you have to work on actively yourself. Some form of counseling or therapy can help with that.

    Also, if you're looking for something meaningful, having sex with some guy you just met at a party is not necessarily the best strategy. I'm not saying it's impossible: hell, my 4 year relationship was with a woman I slept with the first time I met her. But you gotta be aware that plenty of people are fine with non-committed sex and that sleeping with someone is not a free ticket to a relationship. Casual sex can be very fun but there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being interested in that. Clearly you want something more meaningful so I would suggest avoiding sleeping with someone you've just met unless you can be truly OK with the fact that it may or may not lead to something more meaningful down the line.


    Finally, anyone who thinks he has to abide to some stupid group standards of attractiveness is not mature enough to be worth your time crying over. Seriously think about it: "There's this girl that I'm attracted to but my friends might think she's not hot enough so I'll just keep looking for a trophy girlfriend that my bros can highfive me about". Do you really want to deal with someone who thinks like that? That has to be one of the most pathetic and insulting excuse I've seen.

    PSN: PatParadize
    Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
    Steam Friend code: 45386507
    PantshandshakeT. J. Nutty Nub The EnderadmanbCyvrosAngelina
  • InxInx Registered User regular
    It's possible you're looking in the wrong place. Parties and one-night stands are great, but the kind of guys who go for one-night stands are rarely at a point in their lives where they're looking to commit.

    I highly recommend taking up some kind of hobby if you haven't already, and then finding a public venue for that hobby. However, don't do that just to find guys, do it to find like-minded people. It's possible you'll just make a handful of cool friends, maybe even all girl friends, but then those friends will invite you to things with people you've never met, increasing your chances of meeting someone who will be just as cool as your new friends.

    Sexual connections are great, but you can't build a successful relationship off of how attentive a guy is in bed. This is a great example - this guy may be a great lover, but he looks to a girlfriend as a sort of status symbol, and any woman who doesn't live up to the standard isn't valid. That's a REALLY awful person who you DON'T want to be with. You want someone who's gonna love your body even with whatever flaws it has, and love the person inside it. The kind of person who will share your passions and challenge you to pursue the passions you've not yet pursued.

    Until you find that person, feel free to hit up a party and get your casual freak on, too. You're human, and hey like fireflash you might get lucky and meet someone who works out. But no reason not to cast a wider net.

  • VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    "Classically attractive" is a completely meaningless standard that I strongly advise you abandon. It is a measure that is false and impossible to achieve because it *doesn't exist*.

    XBOX: NOVADELPHINI | DISCORD: NOVADELPHINI #7387 | TWITTER
    InxThe EnderGonmunadmanbCyvrosUsagiNitsuaCambiataDonovan PuppyfuckerAngelina
  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    Sorry for the rant, I just don't have anyone who would understand my problem right now and I don't know what to do. I feel like no no one is every going to love me. I've never had a real boyfriend, although I've had a few one night stands. What always happens is that boys will have sex with me but don't want a relationship. I should have got used to rejection by now, but I keep letting my hopes get raised, and I really thought this one might be different.
    I met him at a party last week, and I thought we really hit it off. We danced all night, and then he walked me home. I don't know why, but I suddenly thought I should take a chance, and he seemed like he was really into me, so I kissed him, and invited him in. One thing led to another, and the sex was really different to before - he was really attentive, and it was amazing for me. Guys are not usually that into my body, and to be honest I know I'm not classically good looking.
    After we had sex again the next morning I thought that things had gone really well, and assumed we would see each other again. I was in tears that night when he didn't call, and two days later I broke down and called him. I was hoping he might have forgotten my number, but instead he sounded distracted, and said that he really liked having sex with me, and really liked parts of my body, but didn't see the relationship going anywhere because his frat buddies had 'standards' about physical attractiveness.
    I was devastated - I really thought he might have liked me, and I had let myself fall for him far more than I should.
    How can I get over this, and more importantly, am I doomed to have this happen to me every time?

    No, you're not doomed. I understand loneliness & the pain that comes with it: you will not conquer it by having sex. Relationships, for the most part, are not going to spring from a good night you had together with someone you just met.


    What have you been doing so far, aside from going to parties, to look for a long term relationship?

    With Love and Courage
  • VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited June 2014
    Also if you are falling for people just because they have sex with you, I think it is a good idea to avoid one night stands and meeting guys at drunken parties, especially with guys who are so insecure and juvenile as to give a shit what their "frat buddies" think about the girls they date.

    Vivixenne on
    XBOX: NOVADELPHINI | DISCORD: NOVADELPHINI #7387 | TWITTER
    The EnderNitsuaGonmunDonovan Puppyfucker
  • GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    Vivixenne wrote: »
    Also if you are falling for people just because they have sex with you, I think it is a good idea to avoid one night stands and meeting guys at drunken parties, especially with guys who are so insecure and juvenile as to give a shit what their "frat buddies" think about the girls they date.

    That and saying he "really liked parts of your body".

    Is anybody else getting a sense of deja vu here?

    desc wrote: »
    ~ * swole patrol flying roundhouse kick top performer recognition: April 2014 * ~
    If you have a sec, check out my podcast: War and Beast Twitter Facebook
    tynicKincaidDaenrispirateluigiVivixenneCyvrosJaysonFourVeldrinKalgarethCambiataKyouguLiiyaDonovan PuppyfuckerAngelina
This discussion has been closed.