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The Helicopter Parent, Non-Shutting Door, Giant Wooden Loon, and my poor layout skills.

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Posts

  • CalixtusCalixtus Registered User regular
    Enc wrote: »
    "I need a place to stay for a few days."

    "Sure! I got a spare couch. Keep your stuff tidy and you can bunk with me until you are good to go."

    "Great! But we need to talk about boundaries. I get full control over the living room whenever I'm in there and freedom to close and lock you out when I want privacy."

    "On second thought, I'm pretty sure my couch is full right now."

    Filed under: conversations that never happened because people can't really be this dumb.
    I'm picturing a conversation with your daughter, after she's been offered a room next to living room at a guy friends place, where she can crash for a while. However, he insists on not letting her close to door because "it ruins the view from the living room". And locking the door that leads into the living room is out of the question.

    And then you tell her "Boundaries don't apply at all when you are down and out and living on someone else's generosity".

    I'm thinking you wouldn't say that. I'm thinking you'd realize just how hella creepy that sounds about a nonromantic living arrangement between adults.

    -This message was deviously brought to you by:
    Cambiata
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    If there is a creep factor like that you don't live with that person.

    This really isn't difficult.

    SCREECH OF THE FARGTPSou
  • TruckTruck Registered User regular
    Yeah, exactly. There are lots of living arrangements that are not worth it. Even for free. Move out!

    Enc
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    ... I'm glad you all have the ability to do that?

    Ladies.
    Cambiatanoir_bloodJuliusMan in the Mistschrishallett83
  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    definitely quit with the passive aggressive stuff, you sound like a child. Is this a situation where this was your childhood bedroom, you left for college/adulthood, and had to move back? it's possible they "reclaimed" that space when you moved out, and aren't keen on giving it up.

    As people have said your parents can talk to you like an adult now, because you are one. however, that also means they aren't required to put up with your shit. Being a petulant teenager ends up with your parents having more grey hair, being a petulant adult ends up with you getting your ass booted out the door.

    Have a conversation with them about this. if it's a situation you foresee for the near (or distant) future, you are going to need to work something out. Tell them you appreciate being allowed to live with them rent free, but you feel like you are constantly in the way where you currently are. ask if there is someplace more private that you could be in the house, and offer to start kicking in money towards expenses. This area is not "your" space either, so buying furniture or what have you is something you should really clear with your parents. especially if you are living there rent free. i agree your mom is being a bit petty with the loon, it IS her house and you are technically a guest.

  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Geez guys, it's so easy. Just be rich! Don't ever be poor. It's like you all are too dumb to get it!

    kaliyamaBloodySloth
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    Cambiata wrote: »
    Enc wrote: »
    "I need a place to stay for a few days."

    "Sure! I got a spare couch. Keep your stuff tidy and you can bunk with me until you are good to go."

    "Great! But we need to talk about boundaries. I get full control over the living room whenever I'm in there and freedom to close and lock you out when I want privacy."

    "On second thought, I'm pretty sure my couch is full right now."

    Filed under: conversations that never happened because people can't really be this dumb.

    Check this out, the first part of your conversation is TOTALLY a discussion of boundaries, bro:

    "I need a place to stay for a few days."

    "Sure! I got a spare couch. Keep your stuff tidy and you can bunk with me until you are good to go."

    And for a more reasonable example of where the visitor might need to discuss boundaries, how about:

    "Hey I really appreciate you letting me stay here with you for a few days, but I'm really not comfortable with you using my toothbrush. Hey, I'll even buy you a toothbrush if you need one, OK? But I can't share the one I use."

    IE: Visitors have rights too?

    All of my posts have brought up that the boundaries and rules of the host exist, but the visitor doesn't get to set those. I'm not arguing boundaries aren't a thing, only that as a guest you have no reasonable right or expectation to set them. You live by the boundaries set by another person.

    Concerning the rest of the post, first: the toothbrush thing is such a strawman that it isn't even worth talking about (it wouldn't happen under any reasonable expectation and your personal property is still guaranteed by local laws so the homeonwer couldn't touch it without your consent anyhow). Second: the owner of the house has every right, even within the ridiculous toothbrush scenario, to say "then tough luck, get out." It's their house, their rules. The only rights you have as a guest are the same ones awarded by local law enforcement. You don't gain the right to control or influence the property. You have the right to your person and general safety (as whenever you are another person's property you have those same rights). You don't have the right to to change or demand someone else to change their way of life for you.

    And going into the creep factor of that other situation, if my daughter were in a place where she would have to stay with a creepy, potentially dangerous person or leave she would know to leave because she would know of all the other places she could go, even outside the personal safety net of her immediate friends and family. Halfway houses, women's shelters that have a responsible safety record or, more likely, falling back upon her family or trustworthy friends to live with assuming she maintained her network.

    I mean, being a good guest has been literally codified for generations, especially amongst the poor and desperate. From medieval journeyman rules to the Hobo Convention of the late 1800s,being a considerate and respectful guest is sort of the main deal when it comes to living on someone else's dime.

    Enc on
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    Cambiata, stop being ridiculous. I've been homeless and lived out of my van, and I've been jobless and crashed on my dad's couch. You don't become sub-human, you just have to be respectful of the space you're borrowing.

    The advice has been, "Don't be a dick." "Be respectful of someone else's home." "Try to move out."

    If you can't agree with those pieces of advice, you probably need to look at how you treat hosts yourself.

    What is this I don't even.
    EncGaslightZilla360
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Being a good host has also been codified for generations. There are biblical stories about people putting themselves in danger rather than be a bad host, for pete's sake. "The host has no responsibility to treat the guest respectfully" is believed literally no where.

    Enc, you are a scary, scary person.

    kaliyama
  • CalixtusCalixtus Registered User regular
    Enc wrote: »
    If there is a creep factor like that you don't live with that person.

    This really isn't difficult.
    That's why I'm saying he should move out!

    Because his current living arrangement has a creep factor. But I think he'll better of if he realizes there is a definite creep factor in not being allowed closed doors - it is not a normal healthy arrangement between adults, as some posts in this thread wants to suggest.

    -This message was deviously brought to you by:
    CambiataEnc
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    Cambiata wrote: »
    Geez guys, it's so easy. Just be rich! Don't ever be poor. It's like you all are too dumb to get it!

    I spent two years of my life going back and forth between crappy labor jobs with no home and no family I could fall back on. I lived off the kindness of others during that time and was extremely grateful to those who were kind enough to support me while I got myself back on my feet. This has nothing to do with rich or poor. It has to do with respect for the people helping you.

    When I had no where else to go, the family that let me stay with them did so at their own personal detriment. They lost some of their autonomy and freedom to house me. I repaid that kindness by being as nice and polite a guest I could be. It was the only thing I could do to reward their kindness at the time.

    If anything, being a decent human being matters more when you are poor. Manners are universal. As is respect. If you think either are only of value to the rich then I honestly have no idea what world you live in.

    DarkewolfeSCREECH OF THE FARG
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    It's cute that people think I'm being ridiculous because my example was sharing toothbrushes. Oh, my lovelies, there's that and so much worse. I'm glad for you that it seems like an impossibility.

    kaliyama
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    If we want to bring laws in this, no the homeowner does not have any rights to kick out a "squatter."

    If you allow someone to live with you without paying rent over a period of time that they become a resident, they are protected by a shit ton of tenant rights, regardless of their lack of handing you dollars.

    This varies state to state, but most often it sides with the tenant, because kicking someone out without time to find a place is a shitty thing to do as a human being.

    bowen on
    Ladies.
    CambiataEnc
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    About half this thread can fuck right off, and I don't have time to sort it out right now so I'm just locking it.

    The complete and total inability of adults on both sides of this argument to put themselves in someone else's shoes and not just spout hyperbolic nonsense is just astounding.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    alltheoliveLucedesJaysonFourMetalbourne
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This discussion has been closed.