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..Did I accidently end up dating someone with special needs?
Wontgetcaught
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi there. I have myself a...interesting pickle. Via the power of internet dating I recently met and reached third base with a very lovely lady. It was prettty hot.
But after the initial throws of passion, I started to notice some things that were a little...off. Grammar, putting together sentences was staggered sometimes, and it became clear to me, very quickly, that this girl I've been seeing very possibly has some kind of...mental impairment.
At the same time I don't think I'm taking advantage of this person, as she has her own apartment and a pretty good job, but there are certainly red flags aplenty, including calling me 3-4 times in a row if I don't pick up just to say hi, relating to me during the throws of passion a story about something a family member did that was pretty horrible, and at the age of 29, she hadn't ever been with a guy, or so she says, until I showed up. I have communicated to her that I am unsure where this relationship is going, and I don't want to push things too far too fast, and she seemed pretty okay with it.
She likes a lot of the same things I do, is a real sweet girl, has a killer body (honest!) and for what it's worth I've had a complex my entire life that I, too, may have some sort of mental deficiency if my handwriting, ability to process information, and general lack of organization skills are to be believed (don't worry, I'm seeing a shrink next week for that).
So, four questions:
1. How does someone ask someone else if they have a mental impairment like asperger's or something else without sounding like the world's biggest hairy asshole?
2. How can I know for certain this person has their mental shit together at least emotionally? Again she over shared a few things, called a bunch, and did some other kind of...odd stuff that wasn't particularly annoying or scary, but I worry that if some day down the road I say I can't come over when I said I would, she may say or do something that ends poorly for everyone.
3. On the 'you piece of shit' sliding scale of one to the dude from Lolita, how bad should I feel about this, and should I feel bad at all? She seems to be enjoying herself, I'm having a good time despite some reservations, I just now find myself paranoid if the things I'm telling her to ensure I am *not* taking advantage of her, as sailing over her head.
4. I can't get in *trouble* for this right? Again, she lives on her own, has her own place, her own job, and a roommate. If I have to put her in some kind of category after our initial meetings, I'd go with 'She's a little slow' if I had too. I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but having had friends that have worked with mentally challenged people, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings, or take advantage of them, ya know?
But after the initial throws of passion, I started to notice some things that were a little...off. Grammar, putting together sentences was staggered sometimes, and it became clear to me, very quickly, that this girl I've been seeing very possibly has some kind of...mental impairment.
At the same time I don't think I'm taking advantage of this person, as she has her own apartment and a pretty good job, but there are certainly red flags aplenty, including calling me 3-4 times in a row if I don't pick up just to say hi, relating to me during the throws of passion a story about something a family member did that was pretty horrible, and at the age of 29, she hadn't ever been with a guy, or so she says, until I showed up. I have communicated to her that I am unsure where this relationship is going, and I don't want to push things too far too fast, and she seemed pretty okay with it.
She likes a lot of the same things I do, is a real sweet girl, has a killer body (honest!) and for what it's worth I've had a complex my entire life that I, too, may have some sort of mental deficiency if my handwriting, ability to process information, and general lack of organization skills are to be believed (don't worry, I'm seeing a shrink next week for that).
So, four questions:
1. How does someone ask someone else if they have a mental impairment like asperger's or something else without sounding like the world's biggest hairy asshole?
2. How can I know for certain this person has their mental shit together at least emotionally? Again she over shared a few things, called a bunch, and did some other kind of...odd stuff that wasn't particularly annoying or scary, but I worry that if some day down the road I say I can't come over when I said I would, she may say or do something that ends poorly for everyone.
3. On the 'you piece of shit' sliding scale of one to the dude from Lolita, how bad should I feel about this, and should I feel bad at all? She seems to be enjoying herself, I'm having a good time despite some reservations, I just now find myself paranoid if the things I'm telling her to ensure I am *not* taking advantage of her, as sailing over her head.
4. I can't get in *trouble* for this right? Again, she lives on her own, has her own place, her own job, and a roommate. If I have to put her in some kind of category after our initial meetings, I'd go with 'She's a little slow' if I had too. I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but having had friends that have worked with mentally challenged people, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings, or take advantage of them, ya know?
+1
Posts
1. You don't. If more serious issues start showing up down the road then maybe you'll have to, but it should be her decision what and when she wants to tell you.
2. The same way you would do with any other human being... by interacting with her. If her calling you 3-4 times bothers you, then talk to her about it. If her oversharing during intimate moments bothers you, then talk to her about it.
3. As no one was in the room with you, no one can answer this, but I'm guessing you're okay. The main thing to do (and this should apply to all situations) is to get explicit consent. Don't make assumptions, ask very clear questions, and stop immediately if there's any hesitation.
4. IANAL but I can't imagine this is inherently any more dangerous than any other situation.
If she has a good job and can hold it down and get through life alright, she might just be a little socially weird. If you think she's cool otherwise, I'd go with the flow.
If she lives on her own and the roommate is not her caretaker and she also holds a steady job, that is not putting together ballpens or something similar, then I would not worry too much.
1. It is possible she does have a condition similar to asperger, but it is also very possible she does not know that herself and was never diagnosed. I wouldn't ask about it, but just see how things turn out. She will probably tell you herself if it is something relevant.
2. You can't. If you are really her first relationship she is probably on an emotional high and being a bit clingy and oversharing is quite normal in that situation.
3. If she is enjoying herself and you didn't manipulate her to do something she did not want to, probably no reason to worry.
4. See 3.
The question is if you like her and want to be with her. Or do you feel ashamed/worried what your friends and family will think? Why do you think she is "a bit slow"? A lot of people are not the "sharpest tool in the shed" without having a mental impairment. Just ask yourself if YOU want to be with her.
EDIT: I wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Nobody is perfect, everybody has flaws, everybody has strengths - learning these things about another person is part of the joy of being in a relationship in the first place.
I am dyslexic, and it don't sound like this girl has dyslexia. Generally with dyslexia, grammar problems occur in writing, not speech. And it isn't known to cause people to stagger their sentences when talking, either.
My advice: If seeing this woman makes you happy, then go ahead and do so. If she does have some sort of disability/impairment and it manifests in a way that you can't handle, you can feel free to either break off the relationship at any point, or to try to work through those issues with her.
As others have said- everyone is "special" in one way or another. Whether that's due to quirkiness, genetics, disease or whatever... it's a part of all of us to a greater or lesser extent. Dating is about finding someone who you enjoy being with and whose eccentricities don't drive you (too) crazy.
References: I have been happily married to someone who would be considered "abnormal" by the vast majority of people for 15 years.
What do you want? Do that. She's an adult and will figure stuff out for herself. I'm reading that you care a lot about what other people would think about your relationship with her. That's not really something that computes with me, but it sounds like something you need to come to terms with.
None of us are really all together mentally in every situation. Is what she's doing or how she's behaving unacceptable to you? If so, talk to her.
If you cannot respect someone (considering someone "a little slow" would qualify that for me, but I have never really thought of someone like that [shallow, yes. "slow", no]) then you cannot expect to have a successful long-term relationship with them.
I'd keep things pretty casual until you've worked all this stuff out. Maybe slow down until you've determined if this is what you want to do.
In terms of advice, I'd echo what most here have said... if you like her and you're happy, keep going. If you don't, or are too superficial, then stop.
What Sentry said. Seriously, is that offensive? In that case I can edit it out, but it was a reference to a tv show where a character accidentally starts dating a special needs person without realizing it.
Apart from the fact that I would never mock people with mental impairments, I also deal with special needs people at work and in my extended family. So yeah, I can edit it, but give me 5 minutes on this forum and I can find 100 things that are way more offensive.
As always, it's difficult to get an accurate picture of a situation from a post on a forum, but I think it's fair to look at the spectrum of possibilities it represents, and offer advice that applies across the majority of that spectrum.
From my reading of your post, I think your situation falls somewhere between these two extremes: On one end, you are becoming romantically involved with a woman who has significant mental impairments, and is not equipped to handle an adult relationship. On the other end, you are becoming romantically involved with a woman who has no diagnosable impairments, but whose intelligence you find lacking.
A relationship anywhere on that continuum is bad news. You're going to break things off eventually, because, as far as I can tell, the only thing you actually like about her is her body. Frankly, from your post, it seems that you feel like you're taking advantage of her for that hot third base action, and you want us to excuse you. I've got no idea whether you actually are taking advantage of her or not (she could be a secret Nobel laureate for all I know), but if you feel like you are, you should stop.
Also the OP indicated 'something a family member did that was pretty horrible' which...can be taken a lot of different ways, but could easily account for what he's describing independent of anything else. People who have horrible things happen to them tend to deal with things is different ways than people who didn't.
As has been said - people act and communicate in different ways, and nobody is perfectly 'normal'. Maybe she's impaired, maybe not - clearly if she is impaired she's relatively high functioning. If OP is concerned he's taking advantage of her, he should slow down and communicate until he is either honestly comfortable that he's not, or sure that he is. Even if she is a bit impaired...so what? Either she's fun / interesting / whatever you want enough or she's not. A person is more than any individual quality, but people are also allowed to have their 'deal breakers' - they should just be honest about them.
I'm no shrink, but with the OP's concern about his own possible impairment, I would guess there is a bit of projection going on. Take it easy, and if you are going to see a shrink talk to them about it. Nobody is going to give OP the answer he needs from a couple paragraph forum post.
Stop focusing on the 'could be'. anyone as independent as you suggest is not someone your taking advantage of. If it turns out your dating forrest gump-et then hey, forrest needed love too, just dont be a jenny.
If your interactions are going well, and you have a mutual attraction and affinity, does it matter if she is on the spectrum?