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should I move away or stay

ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
I'm in a situation that I really don't know how to deal with. I'm a very indecisive and very sensitive person so it's very difficult for me to make certain decisions.

I'm been staying at my sister's house for a little over half a year, my nephews and I are very close. They look up to me as a big brother and I think think of them as siblings as well a little over a month ago I was laid off nad have had so much trouble trying to get ah old of another job. I've applied to so many places with no luck. After many failed attempts my sister called my parents who are living in another country saying that I have not been trying to get a job that I just lay around the house and another negative things that just weren't true. My parents know how hard I've tried to get a job and suggested that I move in with my uncle and that I could go work with him until I can get a hold of a better job. Unfortunately he lives in another state but just the thought of leaving my nephews makes me feel so guilty for considering the option of leaving. we are so close, I have always been with them since they were born. My uncle has offered to help me move to his place this week just as I got offered a job near where I'm currently residing. Even though my sister was very rude and was dropping hints that she didn't want me living in her house anymore, should I try and convince her to let me stay now that I got offered a job nearby or is it better to move with my uncle, to people that are lending me a hand to get my life together? The only real reason why I don't want to leave is because I don't want to leave my nephews. My sister has made it clear that me being able to visit them will be very unlikely. What should I do? please help

Posts

  • RainfallRainfall Registered User regular
    Think of your sister. Don't stay in a place where you're not welcome.

    PacificstarEncQuidNightDragonCelestialBadgerLovelySkeithCambiataPsykomaspaboollyCreagantynicMagic PinkV1mHollermoocowSCREECH OF THE FARGChubby Bunny
  • RainfallRainfall Registered User regular
    I mean, I can temper that post with a little bit of extra advice, but your sister doesn't want you living with her, and it's her place, it's her right to choose who stays and who goes. Is the job you've been offered enough for you to get your own place nearby? Can you pay a substantial part of the rent and bills with your income, regardless of commissions? Is it a potential long-term job or a stop-gap employment?

    Unless you're really willing to step up to the plate and participate in helping your sister cook, clean, pay the bills, and truly participate as a member of the household instead of just hanging out with the kids, I tell you now that you'll need to leave. Even if you are willing, after six months I don't blame your sister for wanting you gone. I wouldn't want any of my siblings staying with me for a month, let alone six.

    The statement that your nephews look up to you as a big brother, not an uncle, speaks to me about your maturity level. What's the age range that we're dealing with here, for you, your sister, and your nephews?

    CambiataHoller
  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    I'm 22, she's 26. I'm staying downstairs that was remodeled to have its own kitchen, bathroom etc. so I can't really say that I would get in her way. I bought my own food cooked my own meals helped with rent and babysitting my nephews also with driving them to school and such. one is 8 and the other is 12. reason why they're more attached to me is because I'm more involved in their lives than their parents, at least thats what they told me. the job I got offered is long term that would help me get my own place faster, but with my uncle it'd would be much faster

  • RainfallRainfall Registered User regular
    She's 26 and the kids are 12 and 8? Yipes.

    Given the circumstances, it sounds to me like your sister wants you gone, and until you're gone she's going to keep making things more uncomfortable for you to stay.

    While your nephews sound like great kids, setting an example for them by getting your own life under control and moving to your uncle's so that you can get your own place and life started faster is going to be the right way to go. Hopefully your sister will back off a bit once she doesn't have the stress of you living with her and you're able to demonstrate independence, and she'll let you spend some more time with them(especially if you can manage to move back to the area.)

    PacificstarSkeithCambiataHoller
  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    I guess it would be for the best and also one more thing. Is it normal to have a sort of guilty feeling for leaving them? Knowing that she said visiting my nephews would be unlikely was very hurtful and when they found out they cried and begged for me not to leave

  • RainfallRainfall Registered User regular
    Absolutely! It always feels bad to move away from close emotional ties.

    But don't fret, your sister will almost certainly chill out once she's got some space and let you come back to visit the kids. Family(siblings especially) tend to work better when there's a bit of distance to lower friction.

    Especially if the nephews are on your side. I guarantee that'll help.

    spool32Cambiata
  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    thank you so much for the advice

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    if your sister is badmouthing you to your parents, i'd GTFO as soon as i could. sounds like your uncle is the better option, is the job offer near your sister like a career type job offer, or just a job for a paycheck?

    unfortunately, you can't really factor your nephews into your decision if your sister wants you gone. it sucks, but thems the breaks at the moment. i would hope your sister would chill out once you are out of her place.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    Take the job, and use the money from the job to rent an apartment. Turn the job into a career, meet someone special, and build your own family. Don't try and be a hanger-on in your sister's life, get your own.

  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    my parents had to leave when I was 17 and I was staying with some people until I graduated, I wanted to go to college but sadly I didn't have the money but when I did my sister offered me to stay at her place while I was going to school. I was just staying with her cause with school and renting a place of my own I couldn't manage that at the moment. the job I got offered is just a paycheck job not a career same with my uncle but its better suited in a way because of benefits, higher pay and he's the owner.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    if it's not a career job, hit the bricks to your uncles. You've obviously worn out your welcome at your sisters

  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    got ya. thanks everyone

    Pacificstar
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

  • DerrickDerrick Registered User regular
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    This is actually not good advice.

    Example: My friend works for his dad, in the business that he started. My friend is COO of this company now, and looking to be CEO when his father retires. Whatever your feelings on nepotism, this is a fantastic opportunity that has launched his career ahead at least a decade or more. If he were to interview elsewhere, COO looks pretty damn good.

    My advice: Life isn't fair. Take what advantages you can get. If working for your uncle gives you benefits, pay and above all at this point stability then take it and be proud of it. Chances are the title you end up with will be reasonably impressive for your next job.

    Steam and CFN: Enexemander
    ceresnoir_bloodRocketSauceEncCambiataRainfallNobodyPacificstarSir Headless VIIspool32V1mKamarDarkewolfeTychoCelchuuuMahnmutLovelyT. J. Nutty Nub SkeithKetarDeebaserUsagicabsybowenCaptain MarcusAngelHedgiezagdrobBubbyInquisitor77Chubby Bunny
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    Unless he puts 'Worked for my uncle' in his resume, there's no need for other potential employees to know it's his uncle.

    DerrickEncRainfallPacificstarSir Headless VIIspool32KamarDis'DarkewolfeLovelyT. J. Nutty Nub SkeithKetarUsagicabsyCaptain MarcusAngelHedgiezagdrobInquisitor77Chubby Bunny
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
  • Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against the Irish) Registered User regular
    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.
    Since the rest has already been adequately addressed, I just want to re=emphasize that in terms of horrifically bad advice, this last statement really needs to be taken out back, shot, and buried in an unmarked grave.

    Rainfallnoir_bloodPacificstarDarkewolfeAngelHedgiezagdrobChubby Bunny
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    If that's so, I have known very few people with "career jobs." I've known plenty of people with *careers*, but that has mostly involved company hopping in the same or related industry, getting more salary and responsibility over time. Jobs like you describe are more common in things like government work.

    On second thoughts, my advice may have been bad (in the general case.) If you can ride the nepotism gravy train for life, lucky lucky you!

    But I get the impression that the OP is having difficulty breaking away from his family and making an independent life. Working from his uncle may get him out of his sister's hair, and improve relations with her, but it won't teach independence, especially if he is living with his uncle too.

  • PacificstarPacificstar Registered User regular
    1
    tarnok wrote: »
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    If that's so, I have known very few people with "career jobs." I've known plenty of people with *careers*, but that has mostly involved company hopping in the same or related industry, getting more salary and responsibility over time. Jobs like you describe are more common in things like government work.

    On second thoughts, my advice may have been bad (in the general case.) If you can ride the nepotism gravy train for life, lucky lucky you!

    But I get the impression that the OP is having difficulty breaking away from his family and making an independent life. Working from his uncle may get him out of his sister's hair, and improve relations with her, but it won't teach independence, especially if he is living with his uncle too.

    1) I don't understand your obsession over nepotism, whether it's important, and whether a job offer from an uncle qualifies as such. For all you know OP is eminently qualified for this job and his uncle would rather hire someone he knows over someone he doesn't.
    2) This thread isn't asking for advice about how to grow up and "be independent". I don't know where you get off assuming that he needs to be taught such a thing.

    Encnaporeon
  • Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against the Irish) Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    If that's so, I have known very few people with "career jobs." I've known plenty of people with *careers*, but that has mostly involved company hopping in the same or related industry, getting more salary and responsibility over time. Jobs like you describe are more common in things like government work.

    On second thoughts, my advice may have been bad (in the general case.) If you can ride the nepotism gravy train for life, lucky lucky you!

    But I get the impression that the OP is having difficulty breaking away from his family and making an independent life. Working from his uncle may get him out of his sister's hair, and improve relations with her, but it won't teach independence, especially if he is living with his uncle too.

    Look, whatever your hangup is here, it's not helping.

    EncCambiataadmanbPacificstar
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    If that's so, I have known very few people with "career jobs." I've known plenty of people with *careers*, but that has mostly involved company hopping in the same or related industry, getting more salary and responsibility over time. Jobs like you describe are more common in things like government work.

    On second thoughts, my advice may have been bad (in the general case.) If you can ride the nepotism gravy train for life, lucky lucky you!

    But I get the impression that the OP is having difficulty breaking away from his family and making an independent life. Working from his uncle may get him out of his sister's hair, and improve relations with her, but it won't teach independence, especially if he is living with his uncle too.

    What will help the OP is some regular paychecks and some work experience he can put on his CV.

    And a place to stay where the landlady doesn't despise him and call his parents to tell them that.

    He can work on his emotional independence when he's got a place to sleep and some money in the bank.

    ro63926EncadmanbLovelynaporeon
  • ro63926ro63926 Registered User regular
    I really appreciate you guys for your input although a few of you didn't really understand it completely. I never really had the opportunity to be able to save what I've made from work I've been living paycheck to paycheck. My sister offered for me to stay with her while I try to save up to get a plcae of my own but the company I was with had troubles and a lot of people were laid off (me included), she wasn't patient while I tried as hard as I could to find a job with my limited experience so she talked negatively about me to my parents and the stuff she said were not true and my parents know that. Earlier today she wanted to apologized for how she reacted and what she said about me and now wants me to stay. I agree with the fact that one of you said "if she was bad mouthing you, I'd leave" but the one thing that's been bothering the most is the separation from my nephews. I have this feeling of guilt inside that makes me feel like I'm ditching them because I'll have a better opportunity with my uncle seeing as a couple of his friends also offered me a job with them that deals with computers which I love.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    it's great that you are so close with your nephews, but you can't put your life on hold to be (what sounds like) their nanny. you're doing yourself a disservice if you did that. Yeah i can understand your guilt but it's necessary to grow as a person and hopefully in a carreer. sometimes in life you need to make tough choices that suck in the short run, but are the best move to make. this seems like one of those situations to me.

    CambiataLovelyPacificstarRainfallnaporeoncabsyzagdrobInquisitor77
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    Step number one for you is getting out of the zone of unemployment and underemployment and into any sort of job which makes you look, to other employers, like a normal employee.

    What is this I don't even.
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON IndiaRegistered User regular
    Only a few short years in a kid's growth separate "cool big brother uncle who lives with us and spends time with us and is awesome" from "lame creepy uncle who lives in our house and is always around and doesn't have a real job or his own place." Don't cripple the rest of your life to hang out with your nephews, even if they're neato.

    LovelyDarkewolfeNobodyPacificstarSorceLoveIsUnitySkeithRainfallnaporeonCelestialBadgertinwhiskerszagdrob
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    ro63926 wrote: »
    I really appreciate you guys for your input although a few of you didn't really understand it completely. I never really had the opportunity to be able to save what I've made from work I've been living paycheck to paycheck. My sister offered for me to stay with her while I try to save up to get a plcae of my own but the company I was with had troubles and a lot of people were laid off (me included), she wasn't patient while I tried as hard as I could to find a job with my limited experience so she talked negatively about me to my parents and the stuff she said were not true and my parents know that. Earlier today she wanted to apologized for how she reacted and what she said about me and now wants me to stay. I agree with the fact that one of you said "if she was bad mouthing you, I'd leave" but the one thing that's been bothering the most is the separation from my nephews. I have this feeling of guilt inside that makes me feel like I'm ditching them because I'll have a better opportunity with my uncle seeing as a couple of his friends also offered me a job with them that deals with computers which I love.

    It's good that you and your sister have patched up your relationship. Make her a nice little gift, even if you just bake a cake or something.

    Then move out and take that damb job so that your relationship with her stays good, and you can save some money and have something on your CV.

    CambiataRainfallkime
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    edited August 2014
    Seriously, things will be shitty again within 3 months at most if you dont. Trust me on this. Probably more like 3 weeks.

    And I might add: after a long time being broke, god damb it feels good to have some money again. It's Augest now. Aint that long till it'll be winter. Being broke when it's winter is not great.

    V1m on
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    Listen mate, if you have a chance to get a job you fuckin' take it. You have no idea how lucky you are to have that offer. I've been looking for work for about three years now. I've been looking so long that I finished a degree in accounting while I was looking and I still can't find a fuckin' job. Whichever job is most closely related to the career you want to pursue you take it and you fuckin' bust your ass. Learn as much as you can and either make yourself indispensable and move up the ladder or start looking for a new job on the strength of your experience.

    Take the fuckin' job. You can visit your nephews. You can apply for jobs in the area if you want to move there, but it'll be a lot easier once you have some related work experience and the money to live on your own. Take. The. Fuckin'. Job.

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
    V1mnoir_blood
  • Bliss 101Bliss 101 Registered User regular
    Regarding your feelings of guilt: kids are very resilient, they won't be permanently traumatized just because their cool live-in uncle moved out. And like TychoCelchuuu said, they'll soon reach an age where constantly hanging out with adults is lame and embarrassing, but being financially stable and on good terms with your sister will enable you to keep contributing meaningfully to your nephews' lives long after that.

    MSL59.jpg
    SiskaSCREECH OF THE FARG
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    That is not at all what I would call a career job. A career job is one that you expect to have for the long term and grow and be promoted in the organization. What you're describing I would call a stepping-stone job. Unless your career is getting new jobs, in that case we're on the same page.

    If that's so, I have known very few people with "career jobs." I've known plenty of people with *careers*, but that has mostly involved company hopping in the same or related industry, getting more salary and responsibility over time. Jobs like you describe are more common in things like government work.

    On second thoughts, my advice may have been bad (in the general case.) If you can ride the nepotism gravy train for life, lucky lucky you!

    But I get the impression that the OP is having difficulty breaking away from his family and making an independent life. Working from his uncle may get him out of his sister's hair, and improve relations with her, but it won't teach independence, especially if he is living with his uncle too.

    Look, whatever your hangup is here, it's not helping.

    No hangup. I am just of the opinion that this guy is having problems cutting the ol' apron strings and leaving the warm bosom of his family for scary adult life. TychoChelchuuu (what a name) put it better than I could.

    Legacy
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON IndiaRegistered User regular
    Extra letters always sneak into my name when people talk about me, somehow.

  • NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    Extra letters always sneak into my name when people talk about me, somehow.

    Whatever, TypoCelchuuu.

    noir_blood
  • BubbyBubby Registered User regular
    I don't think you get what a "career" job is. A career job is one that impresses the people interviewing you for your next, better job. Working for your uncle impresses nobody. Google the definition of "nepotism." Stand on your own two feet and stop depending on your family.

    Of course, benefits and higher pay are hard to turn down, but in general it is better not to work with family, unless it is a true family business that you might take over one day.

    You have no idea what you're talking about. Life is tough, take what you can get where you can get it. Make money. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

    CambiataJaysonFourNobodyMulletudeLovelyChubby BunnyDeebaser
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    Being in your nephews' lives and having your own life are not mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time. Maybe you won't be around as much, but that's OK. You can still Skype, call them, text, etc.

    Think about it this way - should the tables turn and they or your sister ever end up in a situation like yours, you want to be in a situation to do for them what they have done for you. You can't do that if you aren't even self-sufficient. This is clearly one of those cases where you need to help yourself before you can help others.

    Your uncle is giving you a tremendous opportunity. Take advantage of it.

    If it helps, I have been in a similar situation with my nephew and niece. And while it's hard to say goodbye, children are amazingly resilient. The important thing for them is to know that you still love them and want to be in their lives, which is still 100% possible even if you live on another continent. You should not let your feelings of guilt prevent you from moving forward with your own life.

    Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.
    V1mNobody
  • jacobianjacobian Registered User new member
    no offense, but it sounds like your sister is acting like a bitch. Time to move out. Your uncle sounds like a nice guy and your parents are thankfully supportive so you will likely be ok. I doubt your sister won't let you see your nephews again, I think she just said that so you don't get the idea you come back to live there again.

    Geth
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