Wife went to great lengths to lie to me

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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    The whole idea of separate finances is amazing to me, but I know a lot of couples who make it work, so

    more power to them!

    a5ehrenDhalphir
  • CaptainNemoCaptainNemo Registered User regular
    Iruka wrote: »
    Its really, extremely unfair to assume this guy is some financial nazi because they mutually made plans and she made an elaborate lie so she didn't have to uphold her end of the deal. Getting caught up in the language does not make this a different situation. Being in a relationship isn't about doing whatever you want because your partner shouldn't be allowed to control you ever for any reason. If the trip was important to her and she was going to do it anyway its her job to communicate that to him. She agreed, and instead of backpedaling and owning up to it, she lied. That sucks.

    He's not a victim here. He still has agency. When she gets back they can have a nice long talk about where they want to go with this relationship and what they want to do with their lives.

    In the meantime what I'm reading is,
    "I want to go to London"
    "Actually you should do something with your money that we w
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    And he's her husband. That doesn't make her lieing about something this big alright.

    I never said it was. if she was here asking for advice I would have pointed out just how shitty that is.

    But he isn't a victim here. He's suffered no loss. He's a guy who found out his wife isn't nearly as responsible or dependable as he thought she was. He can show some agency as a person and either talk about marriage counseling or get a divorce instead of crying to the Internet about how betrayed he feels.

    His spouse lied to him and left not just the country, but the continent.

    She lied. To his face.

    She left not just the country, but the continent.

    He's lost his ablitity to trust her because of her actions. He's lost his faith in her. He's been betrayed, and somehow you want to paint him as some attention seeker? What the fuck is up with that bullroar?

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    So, here's the thing.

    Any advice that is obviously, overtly terrible or abusive is going to get, at the very least, a ban from the thread.

    The rule here is you don't fight with each other in your posts, you address the OP.

    The rule here is that making a thread does not protect you from examination of your part in your situation. And believe me, there is no way the OP did not play some part in this, whether he recognizes it or not. No one is saying it's not a fucking awful thing she did, and I sure wouldn't be able to get over it; divorce would be the only option for me after what she did.

    But even if that ends up being the case for the OP, that doesn't mean it's not worth examining the issues that led up to this incident. No, the lying is not acceptable, but pinning the buildup to this moment entirely on her will not be useful in the future, whether or not they stay together.

    If he takes nothing else from this thread, I hope he takes that.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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