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Cheating
klandry15
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
My boyfriend & I have been together almost 3 years now. this past summer i cheated on him & the day after i told him what i did & broke it off because i felt ashamed & i felt like he wouldnt wanna stay with a cheater, he then found a new girlfriend & 3 months later he dumped her & should up at my house when talked about working on things and starting out as friends and if it goes well becoming a couple again. we got back together in september & in the beggining of December i went thru his phone to find text messages confirming he cheated on me. he hid it from me until i found the text message, he then decided to break up with me and then we procceeded to get back together a couple days later.. new years eve he proposed to me & i said yes. my issue is that i have tons of emotions and thoughts going thru my head. I feel like were abusing this word called love. we really do love eachother and wanna work past things but theres so many questions that i want to know. like how do i know he really loves me and he just is doing all this because in the end he doesnt wanna be alone. & was him cheating on me connected with me cheating on him first? & are we dumb for staying together and getting engaged? im honestly scared that hes gonna think since i took him back if he does it again that i will continue to take him back. ive made it very clear if he ever cheats on me or talks to the girl or sees the girl he cheated on me with ever again we are over & hes said the same to me when i cheated. i just dont understand how a man go thru getting cheated on and he saw what it did to us and the pain it brought to the both of us and broke us up for 3 months and how he could go and say please never hurt me again kayla thats all i ever ask and then sure enough he does it to me.. at the end of the day i honestly feel this is all my fault. i feel like if i would have never cheated on him that he would of never cheated on me. i feel like i deserved it.. i just feel that everyone deserves a second chance but if they repeat their mistakes then thats when you put a stop to things, but so many people on articles i read say differnt and say that fixing a realationship after cheating is a waste of time.. idk. thoughts please? 
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If you're super serious, get couples counseling. If that's too big of a leap for either of you than drop the whole thing.
look at it this way.
Couples counseling is the price of a copay +/- and an hour a session.
Marriage is tying together all of your love, trust, finances, lively hood, and etc. with one person (supposedly for the rest of your life).
If you two can't make it to a few sessions of couples counseling, you can't make it through a marriage.
I'd recommend not only counseling but a healthy dose of time before you make any big decisions, same as others have said.
After a year or two without cheating, that's when marriage should be a factor. It's an important rite of passage, but one you really only need once things like hospital visitation rights and insurance premiums are more contentious issues than faithfulness.
100% agreed, but disentangling yourself from a failed marriage can be extremely complicated. So while the married vs non-married status itself may not change anything, the dissolving of a marriage sure as hell does.
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This is the way I meant my original post to sound. As someone who, like schuss, agrees parts of marriage are overblown hoo haw, and as someone who has been divorced - It's extremely difficult to overlook all the deep meaningful bonding of marriage as it relates to the cray cray of love, and it sounds like the proposal is a hail mary toss to prove that the relationship will work. No one here knows the inner workings of your relationship so it's not fair to say toss it out, I know for a fact practically any crazy combination or arrangement of people can work for them.
It's just that you should be careful of avoiding a bandaid marriage, cause as hard as it is to overlook all the squishy feels of love and marriage, it's way harder to overlook a divorce from a marriage you shoulda never jumped into cause you wanted to fix your relationship. Trust me.
Edit reiterate: Be Careful, seek guidance from an outside source, for the love of all that is pizza flavored - Take your time to gain perspective of this situation.
Couple's counseling is good, even with a healthy relationship.
Nothing wrong with being engaged though. It's fun, and doesn't have any real legal weight, and no expiry date.
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1) You may not want to put your real name in your post, which I'm guessing you did based on your user name.
2) The enter key and the shift key were put on there for a reason, don't let them feel unloved.
3) Don't get married. That is like slapping a bandaid over your relationship, except removing a bandaid generally doesn't involve lawyers. This advice x1000 if the word 'kid' is kicking around in your head anywhere.
4) Just end it, between the cheating, the snooping on each other, etc you two do not have a functional relationship.
Aren't the words used to initiate an engagement typically, "Will you marry me?" I think that's why everybody jumped to that conclusion, and were very quick to suggest what they have.
Otherwise, I mirror an earlier post of Xaquin.
Also, just break up already. This relationship sounds toxic, no matter if you think you're in love with him or not. If in a year or two you think you've got things figured out, THEN get back together with him. Don't just stay stuck in the mud while you try to determine if you actually do trust him (all while still being "engaged"? yikes).
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But then there's the immediate red flag of you snooping through his phone. If any ex of mine was snooping through my phone, for any reason, that is such an immediate and unrequited breach of trust I'm not sure I'd ever be able to get over it.
Don't do that any more. As soon as you start doing things like that you're not in a 'relationship' any more, because there is now zero trust involved.
As for your current situation, take a step back and consider honestly whether you really trust him not to hurt you any more. Because you sure don't sound very certain to me. And then ask yourself if you really think he'll ever be able to bring himself to trust you? Because you don't sound very certain of that, either.
Why not just ask him for a week or two to think about things, and see how you both feel then.