Not sure what my questions about it even are, think I mostly just need to smash this out of my brain. Just trying to think where to begin.
Ok, so some of you know the whole story with me and this one girl, that have been after each other for over a year, neither making a full out move, because there are reasons. But we were mostly ok with that. Recently she did blur that line pretty hard, and I was convinced, ok let's do it, to which suddenly nothing happened, and now we barely speak. ( this is not the problem tho, this just a hiccup I had hoped, but I was upset for a bit from it)
It had already been a weird year too, I'm , well issues with sex are probably the kindest description, I love it, I just, I have to truly trust someone to go there, I had a childhood and adolescense filled with sexual abuse, so it messed me up a lot in that regard.
An old friend who somewhat knew the story, and was pretty much one of my last friend, had realized I was in pretty rough shape over it all and offered to come keep me company so I could take an ativan, I take occasional for stress, but get scared to take them alone for irrational anxiety reasons. We're hanging out watching movies, she kinda had me to about double my usual dose for the ativans, so I was pretty high by this point, then passed out shortly later.
Then I woke up
There are multiple condoms everywhere, scratches on my back, general stickiness, no one around to be found, and a real ,just, gross feeling. basically spent from then until able to type now crying on the floor.
What the hell do I do now, I doubt I could ever tell the one girl, hell I don't even know if I want anyone ever again now, I mostly just want to stop crying.