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A horrible situation (girlfriend)
Narket
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This is my first thread to start and GOD I never thought it would be something like this!
My girlfriend and i have been together for 2 years, and it has been pretty good. Of course we fight now and again, but for the most part we have been extremely happy and very much in love. Here lately, she has been depressed about not having a lot of money, and not being in college yet. I am 23 and she is 19 by the way. She is also bi-polar, and she hasn't been able to get her meds, although it isn't extreme bi-polar. So she decided that she wanted to break up so that she wouldn't have any strings holding her back. I took it like a man, and said "okay honey, if you think this is what you need to do, then i want you to do it and be happy." Right now we live together, so it made it sort of awkward. One day later she realized that she wanted to be with me and not break up. I saw it coming, so it wasn't a big deal. HAPPY AGAIN! Two dsays later she gets in anothther one of her moods, and it's time to break up. This time i decided that it was BS and let her know. I told her that she can't keep doing this to me. Breaking up, then coming back. She told me this time was for real, and that when i had the money, i needed to find a place to live. I got upset, cried all that. She just stood there and stared at me like it was nothing. Anyways, i came to work and tried to go on like it was a normal day. Here's the horrible situation. All the time this has been goign on, one of her ex boyfriend's (they have remained friends) grnadfather died, and he was coming back in from over seas to attend the funeral. We were still together when he came in, and I am not a jealous or over possessive kind of guy, so I had no problem with her hanging out with him. You know for comfort and all.
We have not actually broken up at any point. Just decided that we were going to soon. So, I tell her i love her, she says it back, and i go to work. She told me that her and her ex were going to hang out for a little while and she would stop by work when she left his house. (You can probrably see where this is going) While I was at work, i told myself that I wasn't going to let this happen. I was going to fight for us to be together. I love this girl with everything in me, and I don't think it's worth loosing her. I wrote a long letter for her, explaining that i wanted to be with her, and that I would do anything to keep her. So, she comes up to my work, and I sort of give her a quick version of the letter and tell her that i would do anything for her. She is a hopless romantic, and she started crying and ran to give me a hug. I asked her "Is this what you wanted? For me to fight for you?" She shook her head yes, and I thought for a minute that she just wanted to know that she really means that much to me. Then it comes.
"I did something really bad..." My heart drops to the floor. I thought OMG she kissed her ex. "Did you mess around with him or something?" Nothing. "Did you have sex with him?" She just stands there. At this point i am watching her jump on my heart over and over. I rage at first. "What the FUCK is wrong with you????" Blah blah blah. "I'm sorry honey, I do wat to be with you" and all that. I love this girl more than anything in the world, and I want to forgive her so increadibly much. I want to live the rest of my life with her and marry her. But what the hell do I do. Everytime that she gets into a certain mood it seems, she tries to break it off.
Okay, so know she wants to be with me and swears never to do anything like this again. She tells me that she wants to be with me forever and raise a family with me. I want that too, but I don't know if I can forgive her. Everyone makes mistakes I know that. I have made many. The old saying once a cheater always a cheater sits in my mind, but I really don't believe it. Am I wrong? I just need a little advise. Has anything similar happened to any of you? This is the second time I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, only the first time, I pretty much deserved it. Here's what you need to know. I love her very much, and in part, want to forgive her. Will she do it again? By that, i know none of you know her personally, but from previous experiences, what do you all think. Man this hurts so bad. Any advise is much appreciated. Thanks in advance PA.
My girlfriend and i have been together for 2 years, and it has been pretty good. Of course we fight now and again, but for the most part we have been extremely happy and very much in love. Here lately, she has been depressed about not having a lot of money, and not being in college yet. I am 23 and she is 19 by the way. She is also bi-polar, and she hasn't been able to get her meds, although it isn't extreme bi-polar. So she decided that she wanted to break up so that she wouldn't have any strings holding her back. I took it like a man, and said "okay honey, if you think this is what you need to do, then i want you to do it and be happy." Right now we live together, so it made it sort of awkward. One day later she realized that she wanted to be with me and not break up. I saw it coming, so it wasn't a big deal. HAPPY AGAIN! Two dsays later she gets in anothther one of her moods, and it's time to break up. This time i decided that it was BS and let her know. I told her that she can't keep doing this to me. Breaking up, then coming back. She told me this time was for real, and that when i had the money, i needed to find a place to live. I got upset, cried all that. She just stood there and stared at me like it was nothing. Anyways, i came to work and tried to go on like it was a normal day. Here's the horrible situation. All the time this has been goign on, one of her ex boyfriend's (they have remained friends) grnadfather died, and he was coming back in from over seas to attend the funeral. We were still together when he came in, and I am not a jealous or over possessive kind of guy, so I had no problem with her hanging out with him. You know for comfort and all.
We have not actually broken up at any point. Just decided that we were going to soon. So, I tell her i love her, she says it back, and i go to work. She told me that her and her ex were going to hang out for a little while and she would stop by work when she left his house. (You can probrably see where this is going) While I was at work, i told myself that I wasn't going to let this happen. I was going to fight for us to be together. I love this girl with everything in me, and I don't think it's worth loosing her. I wrote a long letter for her, explaining that i wanted to be with her, and that I would do anything to keep her. So, she comes up to my work, and I sort of give her a quick version of the letter and tell her that i would do anything for her. She is a hopless romantic, and she started crying and ran to give me a hug. I asked her "Is this what you wanted? For me to fight for you?" She shook her head yes, and I thought for a minute that she just wanted to know that she really means that much to me. Then it comes.
"I did something really bad..." My heart drops to the floor. I thought OMG she kissed her ex. "Did you mess around with him or something?" Nothing. "Did you have sex with him?" She just stands there. At this point i am watching her jump on my heart over and over. I rage at first. "What the FUCK is wrong with you????" Blah blah blah. "I'm sorry honey, I do wat to be with you" and all that. I love this girl more than anything in the world, and I want to forgive her so increadibly much. I want to live the rest of my life with her and marry her. But what the hell do I do. Everytime that she gets into a certain mood it seems, she tries to break it off.
Okay, so know she wants to be with me and swears never to do anything like this again. She tells me that she wants to be with me forever and raise a family with me. I want that too, but I don't know if I can forgive her. Everyone makes mistakes I know that. I have made many. The old saying once a cheater always a cheater sits in my mind, but I really don't believe it. Am I wrong? I just need a little advise. Has anything similar happened to any of you? This is the second time I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, only the first time, I pretty much deserved it. Here's what you need to know. I love her very much, and in part, want to forgive her. Will she do it again? By that, i know none of you know her personally, but from previous experiences, what do you all think. Man this hurts so bad. Any advise is much appreciated. Thanks in advance PA.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Narket on
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Frankly, it sounds like you guys need a little bit of time apart. She's had a long-term relationship with you, and the fact that she was willing to throw that away and sleep with her ex on a whim really says something about her state of mind. As hard as it is for both of you, but for you especially it sounds like, you guys need some time apart to sort things out.
This isn't to say that you guys can never be together. It's possible that she was just not in her right mind and made a very stupid mistake, and that she now deeply regrets it. These things happen everyday to people all over the world, and it doesn't necessarily mean that she is the kind of person who will do it again. However, it did happen, and whether you guys were technically broken up or not, it has taken away some amount of trust that you had in her. It will take time for that trust to come back (if it can come back at all), and trying to rebuild that trust while in the relationship with her may not be a good idea. Some might disagree with me, but that's just how I see it.
My suggestion is to break it off for good and work towards moving out on your own. If you guys really love each other, you will eventually naturally begin to rebuild that relationship, and eventually may be able to become a couple again. For now though, this back and forth thing is probably not going to stop in the short term, and it's going to be very painful for both of you. Some time apart from each other will either cement the fact that you shouldn't be with her, or it will reconfirm that she's the one you want to be with. Either way though, at least you'll know, and that's much better than dealing with what you're going through now.
Oculus: TheBigDookie | XBL: Dook | NNID: BigDookie
Seriously the break up and then taking me back and then a break up a week later would have been enough for me. Then you have the cheating... It really sounds like this girl doesn't care for or respect you.
It really sucks now but sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love the other person things just aren't meant to be. Trust me you'll be able to find someone that treats you better and is alot more stable. Find your own place and get out of this situation.
Who knows.
What really matters - in my mind at least - is, why do you want to marry and raise a family with someone who:
a) doesn't know what they want
b) only 19, is not even in college yet, and therefore probably does not know where she stands in life
c) cheats on you
?
Hell, you yourself are only 23, same as me. I know for a fact that if I started having such strong feelings for someone at this age, and started entertaining thoughts of marriage - marriage! - I'd start seriously questioning myself. And this is true even if the person did not break up and come back to me five times and cheated on me afterwards.
Also, I'll say this: her bi-polar disorder is not an excuse for her to treat you like shit, disrespect you, and above all, hurt your feelings like that.
The most probable scenario is that you drag this out, get back together, she either cheats or wants to break it off in a few months.
Do yourself a favor: take some you time. Break it off, think about your life, get your education/career in the place that you want it to be, mourn the relationship, and find a girl that is happy with what that is.
Maybe the problem is that you forgive way too easily.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. But they have to work for it, and you shouldn't give it away too freely.
I know. I hate the fact that I am this way, and I really try not to be. I know a lot of it has to do with the way i grew up. My mom's ex cheated on her, and I watched her forgive him more than once. They say that most everything you do reflects how you were raised. I do belive in second chances, and I know that they can only go so far. I have given her a second chance before. She didn't do anything like this however, and she has given me a second chance before. Again nothing like this. I have tried to believe the cliche that love conquers all, but I guess it's not going to apply this time.
Don't blame it on the way you were raised. Take responsibility for the way you are, and do your best to change it. There is no other way.
She needs to grow up. Fact of the matter is, she's 19 and probably hasn't once had the time to just live on her own (I'm assuming she went straight from her parents house to rooming with you). Hasn't had the time to pursue her own interests in college, travel, experiment with other relationships, etc etc. These are all things that she's going to need to mature, and she's going to have to mature and learn a little empathy before she can be in a truly loving relationship with you (or anyone). She's also going to need to do them alone. Right now, her codependency with you is holding her back, to the detriment of your relationship.
In other words, I'm with Big Dookie here. You need to let her go for a while, at least a year or two, let her sort herself out and grow up. Meanwhile, you can begin to rebuild your trust and your friendship. If and when you ever get back together, your relationship will be a lot stronger for it.
I can't really see how trying to maintain the relationship, at the moment, would do either of you any good right now.
She broke up with you callously - you said she just stood there and stared at you while you were crying without showing emotion for pity's sake. The whole "testing" you thing is bullshit. Do you really want to stay with someone who finds it acceptable to seriously fuck with your emotions to see if you care?
At this point, the girl probably thinks she could set you on fire and you'd still come crawling back to her and ask for more.
I know it feels like she's the most important thing that's ever going to happen to you, but that's just a lack of experience in the relationship department. You need to place some distance between you two and give her some boundaries. If she wants to be with you, she needs to fight for you (the plural) too. If after some time and distance, you both still want to be together, give it another try, but I think you'll find that it will allow you to be a lot more objective about it.
But honestly, people your age have no business being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. 19 and 23 is too young to know anything about relationships, commitment, etc.
Long story short, she cheated. She did something that she knew was going to be horribly painful for you to deal with. I'm not going to go as far as to say that it is an unforgivable act, but I would think that you would have common sense enough not to open yourself up to the same woman and give her a chance to stomp on your heart again, right?
STEAM
You have to decide whether you want to put up with this until she gets medicated (at which point she still might cheat on you because someone who cheats once really can't be trusted), or find someone else.
STEAM
I realize that being bi-polar is something serious (I should know, my dad is bi-polar). I know I only speak for myself, but I just couldn't love anyone with the negligence to cheat on me. Whether or not she was on her meds she had to realize that there would be consequences for her actions.
I'd say you shouldn't be with anyone who fucks with your heart like that, regardless of thier mental state. The medication isn't some magic bullet. She might still get into one of her "moods" if she's on medication. For the sake of your mental health, end it for good.
horse fucking shit it would. he doesn't owe her anything. people are responsible for their actions, bi polar or not.
That's true. But as someone who has ADHD and needs medicine, I can vouch for the fact that I'm not able to concentrate and study "normally" without it.
I can take that experience and multiply its effects tenfold to consider how much different I would be without medication to try and visualize what a bipolar person is like without medication, and it's absolutely ridiculous. While I think these two posts pretty much sum up the relationship if she didn't have bipolar disorder..
...she has it. It's something she needs to be medicated for. But the "23, ready to start a family " notion is really far fetched.
It's a strange problem. I'd agree that she needs help, but I don't know how anyone can just walk away from a scene like what you're in and act like nothing happened. You don't seem to be at a financial standpoint where you can do that, and you also seem too emotionally attached to do it even if you could. There would be long bouts of depression and it would be easy to return to her. She needs some help, and it's possible she did all of this as results of no medication. Perhaps she became so angry with you and so infatuated with her ex for just 30 minutes, and it ended up in them having sex.
But as CT said.. she needs to account for her own actions. All I'm saying is, she might not be pulling a bullshit card on you when she says she wants to do such and such.
I would help her get back on her meds before you make any decisions concerning breaking off or continuing on with her.
Sounds like it would be difficult for you to do, but face the facts: she's already left the relationship/lacks respect for you, and you're just letting her beat you up unnecessarily. You may feel like horrible crap for the next month or two after you move out, but DO NOT GO CRAWLING BACK, ever. There are plenty of women out there your age willing to act maturely and considerately in a relationship.
But I do want to put in a word in the girl's defense. She's doing these fucked up things because she has psychological and emotional problems, and they're driving her to destructive behaviour. She didn't perform any sort of cost/benefit analysis when she slept with the other guy, she just did it because it seemed like it would feel good. This doesn't absolve her of any wrongdoing, but it's not far off to say that she is mentally debilitated. This is probably hard for people to understand if they've never felt, for example, hormone-induced mood-swings. Thanks to my cursed double X chromosomes, I get that joy once a month, and it's really remarkable how much a simple change in your body's chemistry can make you, well, crazy.
It really doesn't matter whether or not she's responsible for her own actions. Let's say the bi-polar disorder, when not medicated, makes her behave out of control. Why would the OP want to be with someone who can claim she's not responsible for her own actions any time she goes without her pills? Who's to say she wouldn't do something like this again next time she's off her meds, or something worse? And what if she does something else and then claims it was because she wasn't medicating? She's got an out, a way to justify her behaviour. Being with someone who pulls the "no responsibility" card is like dealing with the romantic equivalent of the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2.
But she also chose to go off her meds as well, while she was on her meds so theoretically able to make imformed decsions.
Check the lease if it says your name only on it, start packing her stuff in neat piles outside the door. If both your names are on it, you need to decide whether or not you want to fight for the place, keep in mind if she is Bi-Polar she may do mean things to get her way like getting the police involved and lying about it (I have seen this happen with a friend of mine). If it's just her name call up a friend ask for a couch for a month move stay there while searching for a new place.
Satans..... hints.....
That being said, I'd say that cheating on you like that is pretty much totally inexcusable.
Well, it's obviously ultimately your choice, and we obviously don't know the situation very well. I have no doubt that you care a lot for her, and that she probably cares a lot for you. However, I am really worried about her manipulating your emotions -- will she cheat on you again? Maybe, maybe not. But she will most definitely jerk your emotions around again. If she didn't act like that before going off her meds, I suppose there's a chance that she might go back to treating you with the respect and consideration due to another human being, but it seems like her life is sort of spiraling out of control right now, which is probably what made her start manipulating you, so that she can feel like she has at least some measure of control over the world around her, and meds won't help with that, only she can get herself out of the psychological sink-hole she's in. And frankly, I don't think it's worth the gamble to see if she can pull herself together. The more you drag this out, the more it's going to hurt.
And, of course, some people are ok with being doormats. I was for a long time. I personally found the experience somewhat miserable and so I learned to stop being co-dependent. If you're really happy with your conditions, though, who am I to tell you it's bad? If you've gained only one thing from this thread, let it be the knowledge that you deserve better. Just keep that in mind, and next time she makes you unhappy, maybe you'll find it easier to cut ties.
You need to realise that this girl will stomp all over you and generally take advantage of you.
You don't need to have a conversation on why she cheated on you or any of that bullshit. Man up tell her it's over and kick her out or leave if it's her name on the lease.
As much as you care for her now you need to start not caring for her because she is selfish and doesn't really care for you just cares on the idea of being cared.
Satans..... hints.....
Being a hopeless romantic, it took me a very very very very long time to figure this out. This is true. Very true. Everyone in the world should read this over and over until they understand it.
I like the way you think sir!
Seriously. This is probably the most important relationship thing I've ever learned.