It's certainly odd having to travel to Mexico for dates lol. Time to brush up on my Spanish.
wait, what?
e: cuz that's awesome, but just so non-standard.
I live in the middle of nowhere, everyone's about two hours away including Mexico; just so happens that a lot of the cooler women I've spoken to live south of the border.
+2
Options
NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
It's certainly odd having to travel to Mexico for dates lol. Time to brush up on my Spanish.
wait, what?
e: cuz that's awesome, but just so non-standard.
I live in the middle of nowhere, everyone's about two hours away including Mexico; just so happens that a lot of the cooler women I've spoken to live south of the border.
Id say this is a perfect opportunity for you to teach each other.
Well, ended up having to message that girl on facebook, her damn OKC inbox was full. So i publicly viewed her profile there and sent her a message through facebook instead, acknowledging the weirdness of running into someone you know on a dating site and remarking on one of the common interests we have.
I had more of a message worked out (which was more upfront about why i was messaging her), but facebook's format favors shorter messages, so i'll have to hope she replies positively and i can work the rest of it in.
I started talking to a girl on Saturday night on a pay site (eharmony). I responded to her again early Sunday and didn't hear anything from her the rest of the day and today, up until about 30 minutes ago. She responds to the question and ends the message saying she's going out of town tomorrow to Ohio on business and drops her number in case I want to keep in touch. Didn't see tat coming.
Question is, how to I approach a first text? How long should I wait since she's out of town and likely busy? Or am I overthinking it?
Online Info (Click Spoiler for More): |Xbox Live Tag: Omeks |PSN Tag:Omeks_R7 |Rock Band:Profile|DLC Collection
0
Options
DaimarA Million Feet Tall of AwesomeRegistered Userregular
you're overthinking it. Nobody is busy 24/7. Don't give her a 3 day cooling off period just to show you're cool.
My general rule with texts is that you should feel free to text people a short conversation starter whenever. If they don't respond, assume they're currently busy and wait for later.
But yeah don't bother waiting three days. I think generally for a first text conversation thing, just talking about a cool place for a date is a good one. That is how things started with the people I'm seeing.
Yeah, I never understood doing that. They obviously want to talk and hang out, otherwise they wouldn't have given the person a number. Just don't message them with some banal small talk bullshit like a lost needy little puppy.
Girl-i-know said no, though quite transparently lied about not using her OKC profile (it mentions the job she got two months ago), and that she's seeing someone (this one's less likely to be a lie if it's really recent, but in the context of the former...)
Ugh. I'm an adult, would presume she is too. I know some people will go to pains to avoid saying "no," but come on.
A "no bullshit" mood prompted me to ask out this girl i've been messaging back and forth with for weeks now. Piss or get off the pot.
That's shitty! Although it is legit possible that she met a nice person like one month into her OKC experience. Whatever, I'd just not worry about it and assume she's being forthright. Not like there's a prize in it if you find out she's not.
Also I say basically 2-3 messages and then just ask someone out. It's a dating service so it isn't weird to ask a person out, and every possible conversation will be more fun in a bar than via OKC chat.
Speaking of going out! One person is going to grab some good food and hang out at a bar with me tomorrow, and is pretty great. Studies streams, and told me a lot of interesting newt facts last time we went out. Then I'm making dinner and watching a movie at home on Thursday for another nice person and we might also be cosplaying because hey she suggested it and I have got to see where this leads and then finally making dinner and going for a nice relaxing swim with yet another nice person on Friday and probably talking a lot about the Pluto photos.
I feel weird getting specific in this thread because I feel like I don't want to kiss and tell or anything but basically each of these people are really fun to be around and smart and all around wonderful. I'd have been lucky meeting any one of them, and I don't really know what to do having met all of them at once.
All the advice I'm getting from friends about dealing with dating multiple people amounts to "Wait, you got how many dates? Fuck off." or "I dated one person in high school, one person in college, and my current partner."
My plan is to continue to keep them informed about the fact that I am seeing other people and show them all very good times whenever I am able.
Different girls seem to have different expectations about how appropriate conversation length is (as we've discussed here). This girl seemed rather reserved, though otherwise fun to talk to, and though i felt the conversation was headed in the right direction last week, it was the holiday coming up.
Now i'm just pulling the ripcord on this thing.
Otherwise i'm with Tomanta, striking out hardcore out here. I'm going to go through the last pile of profiles i liked and then it'll be time for the school year to start back up.
Funnily, a nice-sounding girl wanted to move in with me (my landlady's got an empty room in our townhouse to rent, and i've been advertising to incoming students in my program). Late twenties, self-described as nerdy, owns cats. The latter was a dealbreaker for my landlady, though, but i'll have to keep an eye out for this girl.
Ah yeah I remember you talking about that. I guess I just don't understand how you get the impression someone is reserved online! I feel like all of my conversations could have extended indefinitely had I not asked the person out. I guess one of them was really talkative and direct and would probably have brought it up, but one of them was equally happy to go out and was super taciturn via text. But then she said the reason she said yes was because the conversation flowed so easily!
And I don't mean to crow about good fortune to people having dating problems! I think I legitimately just got very lucky and found great people.
Don't feel bad about it, I'm happy to see anyone be successful!
+1
Options
silence1186Character shields down!As a wingmanRegistered Userregular
So, how do you get started in the dating scene? I've never been on a date in my life. I'm willing to try a pay site like Match or eHarmony, but I feel like that's putting the cart before the horse, because even if I got a date, I wouldn't know what to do. Should I "practice" building a profile on a free site first?
So, how do you get started in the dating scene? I've never been on a date in my life. I'm willing to try a pay site like Match or eHarmony, but I feel like that's putting the cart before the horse, because even if I got a date, I wouldn't know what to do. Should I "practice" building a profile on a free site first?
go on tinder or okcupes or whatever
just go and meet people and try to have fun doing a thing you would find fun
that takes away the anxiety a lot
i never really went on any until maybe a bit over a year ago and i kept procrastinating thinking i needing things to be right or fix things first too but
ya just pick a thing you would find fun
and meet people
aziz's book had a good point in thinking of it not as online dating services but more like online introducing services
then you go and meet the folks and hopefully you meet some nice folks
Match is overrun with bots and does a terrible job of recommending matches (people on OKC that are in the "HAHA NOPE" range are 96% for me on Match. Lolwut?) and E-Harmony is buggy as fuck with a kinda crappy algorithm to boot. PoF ain't too bad but yeah, OKC and Tinder are your best starting points.
TOGSolid on
+1
Options
silence1186Character shields down!As a wingmanRegistered Userregular
So, how do you get started in the dating scene? I've never been on a date in my life. I'm willing to try a pay site like Match or eHarmony, but I feel like that's putting the cart before the horse, because even if I got a date, I wouldn't know what to do. Should I "practice" building a profile on a free site first?
go on tinder or okcupes or whatever
just go and meet people and try to have fun doing a thing you would find fun
that takes away the anxiety a lot
i never really went on any until maybe a bit over a year ago and i kept procrastinating thinking i needing things to be right or fix things first too but
ya just pick a thing you would find fun
and meet people
aziz's book had a good point in thinking of it not as online dating services but more like online introducing services
then you go and meet the folks and hopefully you meet some nice folks
My other sort of hang up is that I am terrible meeting new people. I've always needed a bridge person before I can get comfortable talking to someone. Otherwise I sit in silence.
0
Options
Xavier1216Bagu is my name. Show my note to river man.Greater Boston AreaRegistered Userregular
Match is overrun with bots and does a terrible job of recommending matches (people on OKC that are in the "HAHA NOPE" range are 96% for me on Match. Lolwut?) and E-Harmony is buggy as fuck with a kinda crappy algorithm to boot. PoF ain't too bad but yeah, OKC and Tinder are your best starting points.
Oof, that's bad news for me. I switched to Match because I wasn't really interested in the people with whom I was getting matched on OKC, so it sounds like I basically went from bad to worse. I'm also not very proactive when it comes to sending messages ("eh, it's 11 PM, I'll send one after work tomorrow instead"), so that could be compounding the problem.
So, how do you get started in the dating scene? I've never been on a date in my life. I'm willing to try a pay site like Match or eHarmony, but I feel like that's putting the cart before the horse, because even if I got a date, I wouldn't know what to do. Should I "practice" building a profile on a free site first?
go on tinder or okcupes or whatever
just go and meet people and try to have fun doing a thing you would find fun
that takes away the anxiety a lot
i never really went on any until maybe a bit over a year ago and i kept procrastinating thinking i needing things to be right or fix things first too but
ya just pick a thing you would find fun
and meet people
aziz's book had a good point in thinking of it not as online dating services but more like online introducing services
then you go and meet the folks and hopefully you meet some nice folks
My other sort of hang up is that I am terrible meeting new people. I've always needed a bridge person before I can get comfortable talking to someone. Otherwise I sit in silence.
You'll have things to go off of though.
Typically you find a person who seems interesting, read through their profile to get an idea of what they like and don't like, and then spend a bit of time messaging back and forth. Once you actually go on a date, you'll already have had a conversation of sorts, so you're not starting from 0. It's still a little awkward, but it's not bad at all. At worst you'll have a date that was boring and a little awkward. At best you have an awesome one and meet a person you want to date!
I'm a huge introvert, and I hate meeting new people and generally being in social situations where I'm not totally comfortable with the people involved, but all the dates I've been on haven't been bad at all.
It takes a bit of getting used to, but so do all new things in life.
So, how do you get started in the dating scene? I've never been on a date in my life. I'm willing to try a pay site like Match or eHarmony, but I feel like that's putting the cart before the horse, because even if I got a date, I wouldn't know what to do. Should I "practice" building a profile on a free site first?
So until about two months ago, I'd dated exactly one person ever. And we'd started dating in high school. I was extremely worried about the prospect of entering the dating scene with the experience of a teenager. Also, I get socially anxious pretty easily.
Currently, I'm having a wonderful time dating three different people who are all awesome.
As far as I'm aware the steps leading to this point were this:
Finding people to date:
-Sign up for OkCupid because it seems like the most effective service and it's free.
-Write a profile that's honest and follows most of the rules laid out in the OP (I even mentioned I was unemployed).
-Use the little phone app to just "like" everyone you find surface-level attractive in some way who isn't like a 40% match.
-Then check out who you think you're actually going to be compatible with using whatever weed-out criteria you've got (no one who says creationism should be taught in schools was one of mine).
-Message 5-10 people each night with some variation of "Hi, I'm [name]! I'm so jealous you got to see [band] in concert! I've been wanting to see them forever/[Any complimentary thing that establishes mutual interest]! What's your PhD program/[Any question about the most frequently referenced interest/personal information on their profile]?" And obviously talking about a couple things specifically mentioned in their "message me if" is a good plan too.
-When someone messages me back, exchange 2-3 more messages with them and end with something to the effect of "You seem pretty awesome. Do you want to grab a drink/[do a pleasant local event together]?" Don't worry if they stop responding! That's completely acceptable as a way to indicate "Woop, I am not actually interested anymore for what could be a variety of reasons."
-If they say yes, say something to the effect of "Awesome! My number is [x], I'll text when I get there!" to establish that this is now real-world and not OKC talking.
Dating people:
-On the dates, be respectful and most of all be interested in what they have to say. You say you generally kind of go into shutdown mode when you're socially anxious. I kind of have the opposite effect, I get super talkative. But both of these behaviors have the same effect on the other person in a conversation: they feel like they can't speak about what interests them. Either because they can't get a word in, or because talking to a statue feels really weird.
-Remember that you don't need to keep conversation on a steady path. You both have more opinions, stories to tell, and reactions to current events or media than you know what to do with. Instead of worrying about whether or not you've managed to cover everything relevant to a certain conversation topic, focus on helping out the person you're with. Ask questions you think they'll be excited to hear. I thought of it as like try to imagine the question that is equivalent to someone asking me "So what are your favorite comics and videogames? Be very comprehensive!" If they love their work, ask about that. If they hate their work, ask about what they love!
-Remember that they're also doing this! They're interested in you, they think you're cute, and they think that the stuff you do is interesting. Assume that these people share common ground with you even if you don't know what that common ground is. Basically, when you say you need a bridge friend to talk to someone, think of OKC as that bridge friend. OKC has given you a bit of info about the person and a reason to believe you'll like each other.
-Don't worry about memorizing profiles or anything though. Be honest about what it was that attracted you to them, and then get to know them in person.
-Don't stress about physical contact on the first date. Whether you get a kiss/hug/handshake/wave goodbye are not so much indicators of their interest in you as they are indicators of what they felt was appropriate given the context.
-A date is a success if you had a good time and the other person had a good time. There's no need to load it up with all kinds of baggage.
-Text people you like after a date! Just say something like "Thank you for coming out with me tonight, I had a really lovely time!" It lets you start keeping up post-date. Always a good idea to let people know you like and appreciate them.
And then after the first date, just consider the most fun thing to do next, whatever that is. I like picnics! They're very low-pressure and you can snuggle up to each other.
Also obviously don't like, follow this as a set of "rules" or anything, I just think generally this behavior was a good way to get to know nice people. It's not a magic kisses formula.
silence1186Character shields down!As a wingmanRegistered Userregular
Thank you, kind people of the internet, for your swift, helpful and thoroughly informative responses. You have restored enough of my faith in humanity to at least give making a profile a shot.
Question from someone who actually gets people contacting them on E-harmony.
When someone skips the line of the 'guided conversation' questions and sends an email, do you actually get to read the email before choosing not to skip ahead or does it force you to decide before you read it?
Thank you, kind people of the internet, for your swift, helpful and thoroughly informative responses. You have restored enough of my faith in humanity to at least give making a profile a shot.
Hopefully I'll be back with updates.
No problem! People will also be happy to take a look at your profile if you feel comfortable about sharing it, and give you advice.
Also, don't worry about like, tons of rejection. I messaged somewhere around 30-40 people, got about 8 messages back, and went on 4 first dates. I still ended up with more excellent people than I know what to do with.
I find that if I get messaged by the girl first I can almost always turn it into a date (although several of those just beat me to messaging them).
I think 90% of my problem on OKCupid is just not enough people to message. Casting a wide net (I'm 35 and search 24-40 within 50 miles) I see probably one new person I would be interested in messaging a week.
Tinder is a lost cause, I swipe right more than I should but only match maybe once a month - this may just be a case of needing better pictures.
For those two reasons I have 0 desire to try any paid sites, I'd probably have the same luck tossing dollar bills out my window on the drive home from work.
Oh yeah, the population around you is 100% the most important part. The area I am in just happens to have a huge population of the exact sort of people I want to meet. Plus, thanks to a shitload of grad programs, there's an unusually large population of single people around my age.
Edit: Another great date! Dinner, drinks, sparkling conversation, a bit of extremely nice kissing, and a plan to do this again but with me cooking dinner so we don't have kisses interrupted by other people coming to get their cars.
Fucking cripes, I don't know what's even up. Maybe the last wish I made was to forget I ever found the lamp or something.
So guys I think I may have screwed up some where along the way. Cause I asked two girls out and they each said yes. One gave me her number. I haven't actually l logged into to okc yet to see what they each said but I mean, this has never happened to me before. I'm excited? I'd that the right word?
I just signed up for OKC. It's not something I thought I'd ever do. Nothing against it, it's just that I got married pre internet dating and knew I found my partner for life. She died last year. I'm a widow now, or a widower I guess (I'm a dude). I'm not sure if I'm ready to start dating, but I don't know if I'll ever feel ready so ehh. I feel like I should let potential matches know, but it feels weird. I'm relatively young (39) and I look younger than I am, so it's not something people would guess about me. I wish there was a box to check so it's there if people look without having to stick it in my profile somewhere. Should I include it? Am I overthinking it? Everybody has their baggage, but this is pretty heavy.
I just signed up for OKC. It's not something I thought I'd ever do. Nothing against it, it's just that I got married pre internet dating and knew I found my partner for life. She died last year. I'm a widow now, or a widower I guess (I'm a dude). I'm not sure if I'm ready to start dating, but I don't know if I'll ever feel ready so ehh. I feel like I should let potential matches know, but it feels weird. I'm relatively young (39) and I look younger than I am, so it's not something people would guess about me. I wish there was a box to check so it's there if people look without having to stick it in my profile somewhere. Should I include it? Am I overthinking it? Everybody has their baggage, but this is pretty heavy.
Probably upfront. Generally if people have something heavy and baggage-y, it goes in "about me," since people see it first and fast.
Though at your age a bigger chunk of singles will be divorced or widowed, so they'll get there was likely a significant ex in the picture.
Had one of the people I'm seeing over last night. I made dinner, we talked and watched comedy that was great, it was a great date. Drove home in terrible driving rain and stayed at their place for a bit waiting for it to die down so that they didn't need to worry about my getting home safe. I was told that I was very, very cute.
Now, I'm getting ready to have another person over and make another dinner before going swimming!
Got one. That "more reserved" girl i mentioned a few days back, for Saturday. Cute, neurology PhD student with some interesting views about faith. "More spiritual" but not seemingly very actually religious, which is something i can respect without being turned off by a godly-type, our conversation has been more organic than others, haven't even touched on "media we both like" or junk like that.
Got her number *before* the date, to help us find each other. That's encouraging.
Got one. That "more reserved" girl i mentioned a few days back, for Saturday. Cute, neurology PhD student with some interesting views about faith. "More spiritual" but not seemingly very actually religious, which is something i can respect without being turned off by a godly-type, our conversation has been more organic than others, haven't even touched on "media we both like" or junk like that.
Got her number *before* the date, to help us find each other. That's encouraging.
Yay! That'll be a lot of fun. And I think trading numbers to coordinate a date is super important. It means like get lost annoying OKC chat system, this is a real thing we're doing now.
Also based on my experiences grad students are lovely! It's fun to talk to someone who has a really specialized skill set.
Probably upfront. Generally if people have something heavy and baggage-y, it goes in "about me," since people see it first and fast.
Though at your age a bigger chunk of singles will be divorced or widowed, so they'll get there was likely a significant ex in the picture.
Very sorry for your loss.
Thanks. I put it in "about me", although I'll probably rewrite it (and everything else) a few times. I got 5 or 6 likes so far, so I guess it didn't scare everyone off. One of them was even mutual, so I don't think they're all bots. Is it worthwhile to go paid? I don't care about browsing anonymously, I think that would be useful for people who attract creeps, but I'm not worried about that. Knowing who those likes are could be neat.
I only have 1 picture up right now. I thought I should take some more that aren't "bathroom selfies" for variety. I was going to try and do that today and I just realized I'm wearing the same shirt.
Probably upfront. Generally if people have something heavy and baggage-y, it goes in "about me," since people see it first and fast.
Though at your age a bigger chunk of singles will be divorced or widowed, so they'll get there was likely a significant ex in the picture.
Very sorry for your loss.
Thanks. I put it in "about me", although I'll probably rewrite it (and everything else) a few times. I got 5 or 6 likes so far, so I guess it didn't scare everyone off. One of them was even mutual, so I don't think they're all bots. Is it worthwhile to go paid? I don't care about browsing anonymously, I think that would be useful for people who attract creeps, but I'm not worried about that. Knowing who those likes are could be neat.
I only have 1 picture up right now. I thought I should take some more that aren't "bathroom selfies" for variety. I was going to try and do that today and I just realized I'm wearing the same shirt.
I don't know that going paid does a whole lot. You're still basically messaging people you think are cute and neat and waiting for responses. The features like "sort by attractiveness" are kind of not something I thought was going to improve my experience. I think mostly it's useful for extra filters if you're getting bombarded with creeps. The thing with likes too is that sometimes they're from people way out of what you consider a reasonable travel distance, so it's not actually useful. If you don't mutually hit the button whatever.
Also for real, though your baggage is definitely heavy, most people have a thing. People who think you're good looking and interesting won't suddenly be scared off, they'll be sympathetic.
I told everyone on like the second date that I've had exactly one previous relationship and that it was very long and they were like oh okay no problem, do you want to talk about it?
So I created an account, but haven't actually filled anything in yet. I received a message two days ago.
Hi I'm from YOUR LOCAL AREA and looking for a friend. My number is ###-###-####. Text me if you want private pics.
I'm guessing this is a scam. Not a great start.
Hahaha yeah I got a few of those. They're not exactly clever. Put up some stuff! Even just popping up a picture will grab some Likes which is always an ego-boost.
I got one of those too, within minutes of launching my profile. Aside from ghost profile views from what appear to be bots, i haven't had any trouble of that nature since.
+1
Options
silence1186Character shields down!As a wingmanRegistered Userregular
Why would there be bots on online dating sites, anyway?
Why would there be bots on online dating sites, anyway?
To try and get lonely daters into a scam, click a link to a site that delivers malware, or to just get traffic to a porn/cam site are the big ones off the top of my head.
It's really rare, and most of the big sites do a good job of filtering the accounts but sometimes some will get a bulk of messages out before the account is shut down.
Posts
wait, what?
e: cuz that's awesome, but just so non-standard.
I live in the middle of nowhere, everyone's about two hours away including Mexico; just so happens that a lot of the cooler women I've spoken to live south of the border.
Id say this is a perfect opportunity for you to teach each other.
I had more of a message worked out (which was more upfront about why i was messaging her), but facebook's format favors shorter messages, so i'll have to hope she replies positively and i can work the rest of it in.
Question is, how to I approach a first text? How long should I wait since she's out of town and likely busy? Or am I overthinking it?
|Xbox Live Tag: Omeks
|PSN Tag: Omeks_R7
|Rock Band: Profile|DLC Collection
But yeah don't bother waiting three days. I think generally for a first text conversation thing, just talking about a cool place for a date is a good one. That is how things started with the people I'm seeing.
Ugh. I'm an adult, would presume she is too. I know some people will go to pains to avoid saying "no," but come on.
A "no bullshit" mood prompted me to ask out this girl i've been messaging back and forth with for weeks now. Piss or get off the pot.
Also I say basically 2-3 messages and then just ask someone out. It's a dating service so it isn't weird to ask a person out, and every possible conversation will be more fun in a bar than via OKC chat.
Speaking of going out! One person is going to grab some good food and hang out at a bar with me tomorrow, and is pretty great. Studies streams, and told me a lot of interesting newt facts last time we went out. Then I'm making dinner and watching a movie at home on Thursday for another nice person and we might also be cosplaying because hey she suggested it and I have got to see where this leads and then finally making dinner and going for a nice relaxing swim with yet another nice person on Friday and probably talking a lot about the Pluto photos.
I feel weird getting specific in this thread because I feel like I don't want to kiss and tell or anything but basically each of these people are really fun to be around and smart and all around wonderful. I'd have been lucky meeting any one of them, and I don't really know what to do having met all of them at once.
All the advice I'm getting from friends about dealing with dating multiple people amounts to "Wait, you got how many dates? Fuck off." or "I dated one person in high school, one person in college, and my current partner."
My plan is to continue to keep them informed about the fact that I am seeing other people and show them all very good times whenever I am able.
I.... can barely get a single date with a girl, so I have no suggestions.
Now i'm just pulling the ripcord on this thing.
Otherwise i'm with Tomanta, striking out hardcore out here. I'm going to go through the last pile of profiles i liked and then it'll be time for the school year to start back up.
Funnily, a nice-sounding girl wanted to move in with me (my landlady's got an empty room in our townhouse to rent, and i've been advertising to incoming students in my program). Late twenties, self-described as nerdy, owns cats. The latter was a dealbreaker for my landlady, though, but i'll have to keep an eye out for this girl.
Ah yeah I remember you talking about that. I guess I just don't understand how you get the impression someone is reserved online! I feel like all of my conversations could have extended indefinitely had I not asked the person out. I guess one of them was really talkative and direct and would probably have brought it up, but one of them was equally happy to go out and was super taciturn via text. But then she said the reason she said yes was because the conversation flowed so easily!
And I don't mean to crow about good fortune to people having dating problems! I think I legitimately just got very lucky and found great people.
go on tinder or okcupes or whatever
just go and meet people and try to have fun doing a thing you would find fun
that takes away the anxiety a lot
i never really went on any until maybe a bit over a year ago and i kept procrastinating thinking i needing things to be right or fix things first too but
ya just pick a thing you would find fun
and meet people
aziz's book had a good point in thinking of it not as online dating services but more like online introducing services
then you go and meet the folks and hopefully you meet some nice folks
Match is overrun with bots and does a terrible job of recommending matches (people on OKC that are in the "HAHA NOPE" range are 96% for me on Match. Lolwut?) and E-Harmony is buggy as fuck with a kinda crappy algorithm to boot. PoF ain't too bad but yeah, OKC and Tinder are your best starting points.
My other sort of hang up is that I am terrible meeting new people. I've always needed a bridge person before I can get comfortable talking to someone. Otherwise I sit in silence.
Oof, that's bad news for me. I switched to Match because I wasn't really interested in the people with whom I was getting matched on OKC, so it sounds like I basically went from bad to worse. I'm also not very proactive when it comes to sending messages ("eh, it's 11 PM, I'll send one after work tomorrow instead"), so that could be compounding the problem.
PSN: PLD_Xavier | NNID: Xavier1216
You'll have things to go off of though.
Typically you find a person who seems interesting, read through their profile to get an idea of what they like and don't like, and then spend a bit of time messaging back and forth. Once you actually go on a date, you'll already have had a conversation of sorts, so you're not starting from 0. It's still a little awkward, but it's not bad at all. At worst you'll have a date that was boring and a little awkward. At best you have an awesome one and meet a person you want to date!
I'm a huge introvert, and I hate meeting new people and generally being in social situations where I'm not totally comfortable with the people involved, but all the dates I've been on haven't been bad at all.
It takes a bit of getting used to, but so do all new things in life.
Tl;dr do it! do it! do it! do it!
BF3 Battlelog | Twitter | World of Warships | World of Tanks | Wishlist
So until about two months ago, I'd dated exactly one person ever. And we'd started dating in high school. I was extremely worried about the prospect of entering the dating scene with the experience of a teenager. Also, I get socially anxious pretty easily.
Currently, I'm having a wonderful time dating three different people who are all awesome.
As far as I'm aware the steps leading to this point were this:
Finding people to date:
-Sign up for OkCupid because it seems like the most effective service and it's free.
-Write a profile that's honest and follows most of the rules laid out in the OP (I even mentioned I was unemployed).
-Use the little phone app to just "like" everyone you find surface-level attractive in some way who isn't like a 40% match.
-Then check out who you think you're actually going to be compatible with using whatever weed-out criteria you've got (no one who says creationism should be taught in schools was one of mine).
-Message 5-10 people each night with some variation of "Hi, I'm [name]! I'm so jealous you got to see [band] in concert! I've been wanting to see them forever/[Any complimentary thing that establishes mutual interest]! What's your PhD program/[Any question about the most frequently referenced interest/personal information on their profile]?" And obviously talking about a couple things specifically mentioned in their "message me if" is a good plan too.
-When someone messages me back, exchange 2-3 more messages with them and end with something to the effect of "You seem pretty awesome. Do you want to grab a drink/[do a pleasant local event together]?" Don't worry if they stop responding! That's completely acceptable as a way to indicate "Woop, I am not actually interested anymore for what could be a variety of reasons."
-If they say yes, say something to the effect of "Awesome! My number is [x], I'll text when I get there!" to establish that this is now real-world and not OKC talking.
Dating people:
-On the dates, be respectful and most of all be interested in what they have to say. You say you generally kind of go into shutdown mode when you're socially anxious. I kind of have the opposite effect, I get super talkative. But both of these behaviors have the same effect on the other person in a conversation: they feel like they can't speak about what interests them. Either because they can't get a word in, or because talking to a statue feels really weird.
-Remember that you don't need to keep conversation on a steady path. You both have more opinions, stories to tell, and reactions to current events or media than you know what to do with. Instead of worrying about whether or not you've managed to cover everything relevant to a certain conversation topic, focus on helping out the person you're with. Ask questions you think they'll be excited to hear. I thought of it as like try to imagine the question that is equivalent to someone asking me "So what are your favorite comics and videogames? Be very comprehensive!" If they love their work, ask about that. If they hate their work, ask about what they love!
-Remember that they're also doing this! They're interested in you, they think you're cute, and they think that the stuff you do is interesting. Assume that these people share common ground with you even if you don't know what that common ground is. Basically, when you say you need a bridge friend to talk to someone, think of OKC as that bridge friend. OKC has given you a bit of info about the person and a reason to believe you'll like each other.
-Don't worry about memorizing profiles or anything though. Be honest about what it was that attracted you to them, and then get to know them in person.
-Don't stress about physical contact on the first date. Whether you get a kiss/hug/handshake/wave goodbye are not so much indicators of their interest in you as they are indicators of what they felt was appropriate given the context.
-A date is a success if you had a good time and the other person had a good time. There's no need to load it up with all kinds of baggage.
-Text people you like after a date! Just say something like "Thank you for coming out with me tonight, I had a really lovely time!" It lets you start keeping up post-date. Always a good idea to let people know you like and appreciate them.
And then after the first date, just consider the most fun thing to do next, whatever that is. I like picnics! They're very low-pressure and you can snuggle up to each other.
Also obviously don't like, follow this as a set of "rules" or anything, I just think generally this behavior was a good way to get to know nice people. It's not a magic kisses formula.
Hopefully I'll be back with updates.
When someone skips the line of the 'guided conversation' questions and sends an email, do you actually get to read the email before choosing not to skip ahead or does it force you to decide before you read it?
No problem! People will also be happy to take a look at your profile if you feel comfortable about sharing it, and give you advice.
Also, don't worry about like, tons of rejection. I messaged somewhere around 30-40 people, got about 8 messages back, and went on 4 first dates. I still ended up with more excellent people than I know what to do with.
I find that if I get messaged by the girl first I can almost always turn it into a date (although several of those just beat me to messaging them).
I think 90% of my problem on OKCupid is just not enough people to message. Casting a wide net (I'm 35 and search 24-40 within 50 miles) I see probably one new person I would be interested in messaging a week.
Tinder is a lost cause, I swipe right more than I should but only match maybe once a month - this may just be a case of needing better pictures.
For those two reasons I have 0 desire to try any paid sites, I'd probably have the same luck tossing dollar bills out my window on the drive home from work.
Edit: Another great date! Dinner, drinks, sparkling conversation, a bit of extremely nice kissing, and a plan to do this again but with me cooking dinner so we don't have kisses interrupted by other people coming to get their cars.
Fucking cripes, I don't know what's even up. Maybe the last wish I made was to forget I ever found the lamp or something.
Probably upfront. Generally if people have something heavy and baggage-y, it goes in "about me," since people see it first and fast.
Though at your age a bigger chunk of singles will be divorced or widowed, so they'll get there was likely a significant ex in the picture.
Very sorry for your loss.
Now, I'm getting ready to have another person over and make another dinner before going swimming!
Got her number *before* the date, to help us find each other. That's encouraging.
Yay! That'll be a lot of fun. And I think trading numbers to coordinate a date is super important. It means like get lost annoying OKC chat system, this is a real thing we're doing now.
Also based on my experiences grad students are lovely! It's fun to talk to someone who has a really specialized skill set.
Thanks. I put it in "about me", although I'll probably rewrite it (and everything else) a few times. I got 5 or 6 likes so far, so I guess it didn't scare everyone off. One of them was even mutual, so I don't think they're all bots. Is it worthwhile to go paid? I don't care about browsing anonymously, I think that would be useful for people who attract creeps, but I'm not worried about that. Knowing who those likes are could be neat.
I only have 1 picture up right now. I thought I should take some more that aren't "bathroom selfies" for variety. I was going to try and do that today and I just realized I'm wearing the same shirt.
I don't know that going paid does a whole lot. You're still basically messaging people you think are cute and neat and waiting for responses. The features like "sort by attractiveness" are kind of not something I thought was going to improve my experience. I think mostly it's useful for extra filters if you're getting bombarded with creeps. The thing with likes too is that sometimes they're from people way out of what you consider a reasonable travel distance, so it's not actually useful. If you don't mutually hit the button whatever.
Also for real, though your baggage is definitely heavy, most people have a thing. People who think you're good looking and interesting won't suddenly be scared off, they'll be sympathetic.
I told everyone on like the second date that I've had exactly one previous relationship and that it was very long and they were like oh okay no problem, do you want to talk about it?
I'm guessing this is a scam. Not a great start.
Hahaha yeah I got a few of those. They're not exactly clever. Put up some stuff! Even just popping up a picture will grab some Likes which is always an ego-boost.
It's a place with people and data. Someone wants all those juicy cell numbers.
To try and get lonely daters into a scam, click a link to a site that delivers malware, or to just get traffic to a porn/cam site are the big ones off the top of my head.
It's really rare, and most of the big sites do a good job of filtering the accounts but sometimes some will get a bulk of messages out before the account is shut down.