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How Do you Move on in Life when your wife and yourself are going in opposite directions

beemer540iabeemer540ia Registered User new member
I have never reached out to others seeking advice and opinions on something as IMPORTANT in my life or the impact it will have on both of us. A bit of background. We are about 60YO, married since we were 23, three adult children and live alone in a BIG home where we raised our children. Over the past years I felt my interests and desires are not in line with my wife. I am adventuress but not to the point of cheating on my wife. She is a wonderful person, takes good care of herself and seems to have the interests of my well being, certainly health. She leads a very routine and 'plane Jane' lifestyle and she seems to think everything is wonderful. Myself on the other hand feels our relationship is dead... Our lives don't feel like they will ever be the same and I am exhausted to even try fixing anything. We have fallen out of common interests. We don't agree on things. She always shouts at my driving and is scared to death how i drive, although I have never had an accident. We have not had any sex or intimacy in years and at this point I don't care to have sex with her. When we go to bed, we immediately roll over and go to sleep. No interest on either side. I've been feeling of leaving but I am at a complete loss how to talk to her about all of this since she feels everything is wonderful. Yes, I have tried to talk to her about these things and my feelings and she would shout at me and tell me to stop it. It's like she does not want to hear it and just wants the problem to go away, but it won't.

I keep saying to myself "Nothing will ever be the same". I feel like I am missing out on other things in my life that I know she would not want anything to do with and I would never force her into, but that does not mean I should be giving up more things when we all have only one time around in our lives. I have no interests in other women at this time so it's not that I have a girl ready and waiting.

Where I am presently at...
- Still live in the same house but I do need to find another living quarters
- Need to tell her that I need to leave or separate for a while. Have NO idea how to do this, in person or just leave a note. Both methods are terrible
- I'm not ready to divorce, but clearly I want to be alone

All advice is appreciated.

Posts

  • InxInx Registered User regular
    What exactly do you want to be experiencing that she wouldn't want to experience? Do you want to travel? Go to concerts/the theater? Would it be possible that you could do those things without her?

    For example, my fiancee's parents travel individually fairly regularly, and they like it just fine as it gives them time to themselves, away from their spouse to sort of unwind. My fiancee and I will likely do the same, as we value our personal time apart from one another fairly high.

    Now, if part of the experience you feel you're missing out on would eventually involve other women, then that's definitely a splitting up scenario, but if it's just an experiences thing, you may not need to take it that far.

    That said, leaving a note will be far worse than in person. This sort of thing is best done in person - who knows, telling her to her face that there's a problem big enough that you need some time away may spark a deeper conversation that eventually leads to the relationship being repaired (if you're at all interested in repairing it).

    Is counseling an option?

    Cambiata
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Have you brought these problems to your wife at all? I don't mean the question of leaving, I mean things like "I'd like to try this, would you be interested?" Even the question of her yelling when you drive, have you asked her not to?

    You don't give a lot of detail here, but if she's as ignorant of the problems that you're having that she "thinks everything is wonderful," then no wonder you feel the relationship is dead... it seems like you don't talk to her about what you feel and think and need. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted, I know it's also possible that you have told her things and she ignores what you ask for, which is a bigger problem. If the problem is that you haven't been saying your words, then you can try to fix that by talking more about your needs. If the problem is that you've been telling her things she ignores, then it's much harder to solve because she has to want to work on things and start listening to you.

    I'll second the advice for counseling. That might even be a way to broach the subjects that you're having problems bringing up, "I'm having problems right now and I think we should see a marriage counselor." It may feel like a dramatic thing to say or as if it's a huge blow you're dealing her, but I assure you, "I'm leaving" with no preamble would be a bigger blow. Might as well let her know it's a serious problem as soon as possible.

    While it doesn't seem that any rich were eaten. It definitely feels like a soup course with broth made from rich stock - bouillonaire if you will - was had.

    My Dragon Age Origins Let's Play

  • beemer540iabeemer540ia Registered User new member
    I have not considered counseling because I am at the point of just giving up. I told her not to yell at my driving, I have told her about the things that bother me. She ignores them and I get this feeling that she thinks if she ignores it will just go away. I go silent at times and don't talk to her at all. Sit and watch TV not saying a word. Go to bed, not saying a word. I stall in the bathroom in the morning HOPING she has left so I don't need to face her. When I go out for something I park in a lot and kill time so I don't need to be home with her. See my problem? I just can't stand to be with her any longer.

    I am sure she would be a great companion for someone but it does not seem like its going to be me any longer,

    I am sure down the road my life would involve other women but that is not the reason I feel like leaving. I feel my life is passing me by.

    Inx wrote: »
    What exactly do you want to be experiencing that she wouldn't want to experience? Do you want to travel? Go to concerts/the theater? Would it be possible that you could do those things without her?

    For example, my fiancee's parents travel individually fairly regularly, and they like it just fine as it gives them time to themselves, away from their spouse to sort of unwind. My fiancee and I will likely do the same, as we value our personal time apart from one another fairly high.

    Now, if part of the experience you feel you're missing out on would eventually involve other women, then that's definitely a splitting up scenario, but if it's just an experiences thing, you may not need to take it that far.

    That said, leaving a note will be far worse than in person. This sort of thing is best done in person - who knows, telling her to her face that there's a problem big enough that you need some time away may spark a deeper conversation that eventually leads to the relationship being repaired (if you're at all interested in repairing it).

    Is counseling an option?

  • beemer540iabeemer540ia Registered User new member
    I have a tough time speaking to her because it is going to crush her. She goes around THINKING everything is wonderful while I see our worlds collapsing and I am at a point of not even bothering to fix it.
    Cambiata wrote: »
    Have you brought these problems to your wife at all? I don't mean the question of leaving, I mean things like "I'd like to try this, would you be interested?" Even the question of her yelling when you drive, have you asked her not to?

    You don't give a lot of detail here, but if she's as ignorant of the problems that you're having that she "thinks everything is wonderful," then no wonder you feel the relationship is dead... it seems like you don't talk to her about what you feel and think and need. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted, I know it's also possible that you have told her things and she ignores what you ask for, which is a bigger problem. If the problem is that you haven't been saying your words, then you can try to fix that by talking more about your needs. If the problem is that you've been telling her things she ignores, then it's much harder to solve because she has to want to work on things and start listening to you.

    I'll second the advice for counseling. That might even be a way to broach the subjects that you're having problems bringing up, "I'm having problems right now and I think we should see a marriage counselor." It may feel like a dramatic thing to say or as if it's a huge blow you're dealing her, but I assure you, "I'm leaving" with no preamble would be a bigger blow. Might as well let her know it's a serious problem as soon as possible.

  • InxInx Registered User regular
    What has me confused is that in your responses, you make it pretty clear that you have no interest in putting any further effort into this marriage, but in your original post you flat out state that you're not ready to divorce.

    That's a huge mixed message, and that could be part of the problem. If you're that fed up with it and you don't want to even try to fix it via communication or professional counselling, then I'd say you're pretty much ready to divorce. You don't sound very conflicted at all when you talk about your day-to-day, in as much as avoiding your wife as much as you can.

    However, if you're really not ready for divorce, then there's a part of you that thinks this can be salvaged. The problem there is that salvaging a relationship takes time and effort, from both parties.

    Either way, you basically know what you need to do from here - find a place to live, tell her what's about to happen, and do it. The conversation IS going to suck, there's no way around that. Just be honest with her. Don't lie, don't make excuses, and don't focus on minutia - this isn't just about her yelling at you while you drive.

    If you decide it's time for divorce, tell her that straight up. If you're not sure yet, tell her that straight up. Honesty is the only thing that's going to make this conversation and less awful.

    Cambiata
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    I find some strangeness in thinking that 60 year old man with no connection to the community seeking relationship advice on a video game forum. Lots of things about that combination don't make sense.

    That said, assuming you are on the straight and narrow here your posts seem to be seeking approval for divorcing your wife because you want sex and don't want to work out your own relationship problems. Strangers on a forum won't absolve your guilt nor grant approval for what you are clearly feeling is a betrayal of your wife. If you want to take those steps, you take responsibility for them.

    davidsdurionsRainfallBrainiac 8
  • JuliusJulius Registered User regular
    Maybe try, like, individual counselling? No need to involve your wife, at least initially.

    I have no idea how to tell your wife you're leaving, you're the one who knows her best.

    Cambiata
  • beemer540iabeemer540ia Registered User new member
    Thanks everyone. I know what needs to be done from here.

This discussion has been closed.