I feel alone

I_WannaBeA_Real_FakeI_WannaBeA_Real_Fake Registered User new member
I feel alone. I feel like crying I just want someone to be there for me. I am insecure neurotic control freak.

Everyday I am surrounded with ppl. But these ppl don't actually care about me. I have friends. But I can't open up to them. They all have their own lives and besties.

What led me to finally get out of the fake smile thing which I always have and I am pretty sure that has become my normal face.

I was humiliated teased and left alone like always in a supposed fun friends trip.

I may be overreacting being a drama queen etc. But I am weak. I can only handle so much. These thought make me wanna sucide but I am too much of a coward to do it.

Each comment even just for fun makes me wanna cry nowadays. Thats how pathetic I am.

I just want to talk to someone. Pls understand and don't judge.


  • KetarKetar Come on upstairs we're having a partyRegistered User regular
    On the one hand, this may just be a writing exercise given the forum it was posted in. And if that's all this amounts too, I apologize.

    On the other hand, this obviously reads like a cry for help. And taken in that light, it makes me wonder if you are familiar with schizoid personality disorder. I wonder, because that's what I was diagnosed with fairly recently, and the feelings/sentiments/whatever expressed here are very reminiscent of my own at many times in the past. So, if this isn't just an exercise I'd encourage you to read up on SPD and feel free to contact me at any time. PMs here would probably be the best way to start. And if that is the case, please don't take it the wrong way if I don't respond right away. As it happens, tonight was the last straw for my wife who is tired of living with someone like this, and she has made it clear that she wants a divorce. Which is probably for the best in the long run, but makes me feel incredibly shitty since our 2 small children are the most important thing in the world to me and they're too young to understand. And to top it off I'm going out of town on Wednesday to go to PAX South, which, uh, isn't really going the to be the fun times/break I'd been looking forward to for a long time given current circumstances.

    That said, if you are suffering in anything like the same way I have been for some time, I will do anything I can to respond if you get in touch. It may not be as prompt as I would normally like, but if you reach out I will be more than happy to talk to you. And if this was just a writing exercise, well done. It really rang home for me.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    Seek professional counseling. Therapists exist for a reason and can help you with this far more than strangers on the internet.

    @Gnizmo generally has some good resources for this sort of thing, if you can tell us where you roughly are (country/state)

  • GnizmoGnizmo Registered User regular
    Yes please reach out. You are not pathetic. You have survived this torment yes? That makes you strong. Stronger than most. The next step is scary and hard. I will not lie. It is a good step. Please seek help. I will gladly track down anyone I can to help you if you can give me a rough area and/or general insurance situation.

  • Romantic UndeadRomantic Undead Registered User regular
    Just to echo what others have said, you've taken an important step here in acknowledging that you may need help, and the others here have already offered some assistance.

    What I'd like to do is relay to you some "tricks" I learned to get through my own struggles with anxiety and depression, which is what I believe you may be experiencing now.

    In my darkest moments, I worked to engage my reason. Despite my feelings, I would tell myself things (sometimes out loud) like this:

    - I am depressed. Depression is a known, and real condition
    - I am not alone in these feelings I am feeling. Others have been through it before me, and others will be through it after me.
    - This feeling is temporary (even when it doesn't feel like it is), I will see this through.
    - Help is available for me, I do not need to face these feelings alone.

    Try and remember, these are statements of fact. Your depression may try to make you feel like you shouldn't believe these things, but try to remind yourself that they are true. Repeat these phrases to yourself until you're able to convince yourself of their veracity, that is the first step, then, the next step, is to bring yourself to take action.

    If bringing yourself to call someone for help, whether it's a friend, or an agency set up to help people in your position, is too hard, just take things one little step at a time.

    For example: tell yourself "Today, I will look up professional counselors in my area", then do that. You don't have to call them, just look them up, maybe bookmark the page.

    You may find it helpful to look up testimonials of other people who have survived depression, to remind yourself that you are not alone.

    I am sure anyone here would be happy to talk to you in private, if you prefer. I am available to you as well, but know that I cannot check the forums as often as I used to, so if I cannot respond to you immediately, do not let yourself get upset, do not let yourself believe that I, or anyone else here, is ignoring you, ok? You've come to a good place for help here.

    3DS FC: 1547-5210-6531
  • I_WannaBeA_Real_FakeI_WannaBeA_Real_Fake Registered User new member
    The thing is I am scared shitless. I don't want my family to know what I feel they think I am fine. And I want them to keep believing I just don't want them to know all of the drama. And if try to seek professional help they are bound to know. I just want someone to be there for me to talk cry or whatever without them judging.

  • GnizmoGnizmo Registered User regular
    edited January 2016
    Why would they have to know? Confedentiality is a huge portion if the job description. Even if you are a minor you are entitled to it.

    But before then you have to ask yourself which is more important. The illusion you project to your family or your core being.

    See the core problem is the drama won't go away with simply one more person to talk with. You are attempting to maintain various images and projections of yourself for the sake of others at the expense of your own well being. This appears to be a consistent cycle between all your friends and family. Putting a bandaid on it while helpful short term won't ultimately resolve many if any of the underlying issues. Better to tackle the source of the anxiety rather than kicking the can further down the road.

    Gnizmo on
  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    Sometimes these really powerful awful feelings kinda overwhelm everything. But they won't last forever. You'll have a good day again soon. Just keep getting through the bad times and some good ones are bound to come again.

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