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help I want to leave my wife - or is this a normal marriage or am I crazy?
nbguy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi
I've been with my wife 16 yrs married 15 of them. We never married because we were madly in love. but more out of convenience she was single mom of 3 young girls and I was wild and stupid alway drinking and fighting and she saved me basically from ether death and or imprisonment got me off the wrong side of the tracks.
I've supported and provided solely until the youngest was a teenager then she went to work. Now the problem being is that I'm severely unhappy for the last 4-5 years I've been trying to muster the courage to leave but didn't because the kids were in school. now there all moved out except youngest who is 18 and hopefully graduating this June. now the new dilemma the oldest daughter broke up with her boyfriend n dropped off her daughter two months ago and were now apparently raising her. she's a sweetheart and I love and adore but now is the new obstacle on me leaving.
so the marriage was good for the first year then she started checking computer history sniffing my underwear checking my cell. before I go any further I have never cheated on my with the entire time we been together. once we faught cause my underwear smelt like a soap we don't use well I had greasy hands and washed them at restroom prior to having a crap well guess the smell transferred into my underwear.
oh like to mention were both 44 not that it has anything to do with it but figured ya's might wanna know. so another time we faught is cause back in the ol days before pop up blockers if you were say on napster bunch of porn or even on pirate bay bunch of porn pop ups. well it looks like to her I'm watching porn all day.
another big blow up we were at a bar n her friend recently single sat down on my lap and said what do you think of "the hiltons" well I had stupid look on my face and said their ok. well massive argument for years over that. midway into this 16 year long relationship every spring when school was almost out she threaten to leave and I always talked her into staying and when September hit she was good till the next spring. she actually left stayed at her parents about 7 years ago for a week. and of course me not calling or going to see her after a week she came spent the night n well stayed.
we argue about everything usually always started by her. she flipped out at me over chocolate bars cause she asked where they were I didn't know I looked everywhere after days of bitching they where in the car. baby's blanket yelled and screamed cause it wasn't in the car I was everything but the right thing that day apparently because I drive it's my responsibility to know where everything is that's in the car turns out the baby's mother took it.
we used to drink a lot but I slowed down and eventually stop drinking well she hasn't drinks still 12 pack every few days. but apparently since I quit drinking or stop drinking I'm a pretentious self-righteous prick whose too good for everybody. oh gets better. The reason I stopped drinking is because I've been suffering from stomach bloating and discomfort . so I also decided to watch what I eat and control my portion size . well just last night I said can you cut that stuffed pepper and well she lost it yelled at me do you want a whole sausage or should I cut it in half or quarter or bite-size . so apparently now I'm a self-righteous prick because I don't want to eat big meals
. here's another thing we bought our house 13 years ago she hates it we fight about it all the time I try very hard to please her by changing . and renovating the rooms but I can't seem to make her happy she's actually threatened to divorce me if she has to live in that house much longer so she wants me to put it up for sale and buy a mini home .
for the past 10 months we don't even sleep in the same room we don't make love we don't hug we don't kiss . we never really kissed in 16 years except for the odd peck here and there myself I enjoy kissing but learn to live without it and as far as the sex we used to do it a lot when we first got married. but all thes years I always have to initiate it and it's always the same old same old but yet she complains that she's not getting any what I told her numerous times she can initiated it any time .
I just remember this because I still have the scar to show for it probably 10 years ago we were driving home from her friends house after a few drinks she reaches over and scratches me on the neck scream and hollered that I'm a liar once we got home I asked her what it was all about apparently she found out that I had a threesome with my friend and his wife the thing is it was 2 to 3 years before we even started going out and the reason I didn't tell her is because I didn't feel it was lying because it was something that happened once and it was way before we got married and the fact I was protecting their privacy. so according to her she felt she had to even the score so we had a threesome with my same friend who was then divorced from his wife .
so back to now since last September we may have had sex 6-8 times only because I initiated it it's gotten to the point now that I rather self pleasure myself then have sex with her . her work friend to come over to visit her about two months ago said you guys are Mary how come you don't kiss or have sex my wife's answer was because it's not worth the cleanup for only a few minutes oh here's another one I just thought of two is probably two years ago she won't eat or drink after me at all. Not even a sip of water so two years ago I ordered a couple subs I gave her hers but apparently I got them mixed up and I've already taken two bites off of what was her sub she says to me WTF what am I going to do for lunch now I sit here I've only taken a bite out of it so she took it she been around where I bet it's spit it out the window.
I could tell you probably 1000 more stories where I did something wrong in her head or she wasn't happy and yelled and screamed about whatever. she don't cook she don't clean she don't drive . but in her mind our marriage there's nothing wrong , so I know that I'm not perfect by any means but I'm desperately unhappy I don't even want to leave for another woman I just want to be happy and if being happy is being alone signed me up. too her this is normal cause her parents are dysfunctional and lived that way for last 50 years
I've been with my wife 16 yrs married 15 of them. We never married because we were madly in love. but more out of convenience she was single mom of 3 young girls and I was wild and stupid alway drinking and fighting and she saved me basically from ether death and or imprisonment got me off the wrong side of the tracks.
I've supported and provided solely until the youngest was a teenager then she went to work. Now the problem being is that I'm severely unhappy for the last 4-5 years I've been trying to muster the courage to leave but didn't because the kids were in school. now there all moved out except youngest who is 18 and hopefully graduating this June. now the new dilemma the oldest daughter broke up with her boyfriend n dropped off her daughter two months ago and were now apparently raising her. she's a sweetheart and I love and adore but now is the new obstacle on me leaving.
so the marriage was good for the first year then she started checking computer history sniffing my underwear checking my cell. before I go any further I have never cheated on my with the entire time we been together. once we faught cause my underwear smelt like a soap we don't use well I had greasy hands and washed them at restroom prior to having a crap well guess the smell transferred into my underwear.
oh like to mention were both 44 not that it has anything to do with it but figured ya's might wanna know. so another time we faught is cause back in the ol days before pop up blockers if you were say on napster bunch of porn or even on pirate bay bunch of porn pop ups. well it looks like to her I'm watching porn all day.
another big blow up we were at a bar n her friend recently single sat down on my lap and said what do you think of "the hiltons" well I had stupid look on my face and said their ok. well massive argument for years over that. midway into this 16 year long relationship every spring when school was almost out she threaten to leave and I always talked her into staying and when September hit she was good till the next spring. she actually left stayed at her parents about 7 years ago for a week. and of course me not calling or going to see her after a week she came spent the night n well stayed.
we argue about everything usually always started by her. she flipped out at me over chocolate bars cause she asked where they were I didn't know I looked everywhere after days of bitching they where in the car. baby's blanket yelled and screamed cause it wasn't in the car I was everything but the right thing that day apparently because I drive it's my responsibility to know where everything is that's in the car turns out the baby's mother took it.
we used to drink a lot but I slowed down and eventually stop drinking well she hasn't drinks still 12 pack every few days. but apparently since I quit drinking or stop drinking I'm a pretentious self-righteous prick whose too good for everybody. oh gets better. The reason I stopped drinking is because I've been suffering from stomach bloating and discomfort . so I also decided to watch what I eat and control my portion size . well just last night I said can you cut that stuffed pepper and well she lost it yelled at me do you want a whole sausage or should I cut it in half or quarter or bite-size . so apparently now I'm a self-righteous prick because I don't want to eat big meals
. here's another thing we bought our house 13 years ago she hates it we fight about it all the time I try very hard to please her by changing . and renovating the rooms but I can't seem to make her happy she's actually threatened to divorce me if she has to live in that house much longer so she wants me to put it up for sale and buy a mini home .
for the past 10 months we don't even sleep in the same room we don't make love we don't hug we don't kiss . we never really kissed in 16 years except for the odd peck here and there myself I enjoy kissing but learn to live without it and as far as the sex we used to do it a lot when we first got married. but all thes years I always have to initiate it and it's always the same old same old but yet she complains that she's not getting any what I told her numerous times she can initiated it any time .
I just remember this because I still have the scar to show for it probably 10 years ago we were driving home from her friends house after a few drinks she reaches over and scratches me on the neck scream and hollered that I'm a liar once we got home I asked her what it was all about apparently she found out that I had a threesome with my friend and his wife the thing is it was 2 to 3 years before we even started going out and the reason I didn't tell her is because I didn't feel it was lying because it was something that happened once and it was way before we got married and the fact I was protecting their privacy. so according to her she felt she had to even the score so we had a threesome with my same friend who was then divorced from his wife .
so back to now since last September we may have had sex 6-8 times only because I initiated it it's gotten to the point now that I rather self pleasure myself then have sex with her . her work friend to come over to visit her about two months ago said you guys are Mary how come you don't kiss or have sex my wife's answer was because it's not worth the cleanup for only a few minutes oh here's another one I just thought of two is probably two years ago she won't eat or drink after me at all. Not even a sip of water so two years ago I ordered a couple subs I gave her hers but apparently I got them mixed up and I've already taken two bites off of what was her sub she says to me WTF what am I going to do for lunch now I sit here I've only taken a bite out of it so she took it she been around where I bet it's spit it out the window.
I could tell you probably 1000 more stories where I did something wrong in her head or she wasn't happy and yelled and screamed about whatever. she don't cook she don't clean she don't drive . but in her mind our marriage there's nothing wrong , so I know that I'm not perfect by any means but I'm desperately unhappy I don't even want to leave for another woman I just want to be happy and if being happy is being alone signed me up. too her this is normal cause her parents are dysfunctional and lived that way for last 50 years
nbguy on
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Given the length of time of these problems, I'd guess marriage counseling is out of the picture. A short term separation might be a valid solution in the short term, though from the information you presented here I can't see how things would work out successfully for you. From your perspective at least this marriage appears essentially miserable for all involved.
No one's the bad guy here. Sometimes relationships just end. People fall out of love. If you're in a situation where you're not happy, it's not a bad thing to try and leave that situation. Everyone deserves the opportunity to find happiness.
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Including your wife. If she is half as miserable as you are she will likely be happier after separation as well.
Did you mean hints? Because if so, hints are completely and utterly useless. They don't work. You have to be explicit and straight-forward.
To be clear: you've already decided what you want to do. You're asking for help in how to do it, right? As in, how to basically not be a bad guy in the story?
You can edit your post you know. Maybe to add the miracle of punctuation, or at least paragraphs.
I thought it was perfect. Not because it was easy to read and understand, but because it read "like diary of a madman". I mean, holy moly. @nbguy, brother, you are not a madman, but this marriage is twisting you into one. You've seen what it lead you to put out into the world. Time to set yourself free, my friend. Call a divorce attorney, make an appointment for Monday if you can, and get that process going.
Too daunting? Get professional help. Don't actually want to leave? Get professional help. This doesn't just mean therapists, you could use lots of health, social, and legal services. Right now, you have no plan, you're struggling with insight, and you're very emotional. You need someone to help organize your thoughts that can actually follow up with you, respect your privacy, and intervene when necessary.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
My main advice is to talk to a lawyer and consider the kids in whatever arrangements you make, but if you're serious about not staying in the marriage a lawyer is your best next move.
One piece of advice, if you do split up then avoid contact. It's very easy to get lonely and start visiting an ex, then before you know it you're living together again and you're back where you started. If you split, basically stop all contact. It's hard but you'll be glad you did later on.
A good way to not be the "bad guy" when you split up is to stop spending so much energy on working out ways to make her be the "bad guy", and start thinking on how you're going to be the "good guy" afterwards instead. What's your plan there?
There is a book called the 5 love languages that wold help. You didn't fall out of love with your wife but y'all merely stopped talking each others love language. There is also the Love Dare that you should try. 40 days and if it doesn't work THEN call it quits. You do seem ready to throw the towel in, but I haven't heard any one encourage you to save this. It's true that if you have your mind already made up, the 40 days will be harder. But I encourage you not to become like the rest of our Nation that seeks instant gratification. Anything worth having is worth the work.
I also think OP has been trying to save their marriage, and if it doesn't work out they aren't committing adultery by moving on.
I just want to point out that the 40 days love dare is actively dangerous if you are in an abusive relationship. It plays directly into the abuser's hands and reinforces the victim's sense of guilt and inadequacy. I don't mean to imply that OP's relationship is abusive, but recommending the dare as a panacea is irresponsible at best.
OP, if you aren't happy, take steps to change it.
Fuck this retarded non-advice. Do what you need to in an attempt to be happy. You only get to exist once and you don't get a lifetime achievement award for being miserable while you do it.
This... This is exactly the supremely selfish attitude that is what made Donald Trump even possible. Lie, cheat, steal. Do whatever you need to do to be happy for yourself because you only exist once.
A lot of people are going to agree with that advice, because they want the easy, selfish way they live their life to be legitimized. They want to make promises and keep them only while it suits their needs.
You can take the easy road that so many people take, or you can take the hard road and actually have your word mean something. This isn't a debate forum so this is the last I'm going to say on the matter, but you need to really think about the advice you take. Is it the advice you want to hear, or is it good advice?
But this guy's been at it for sixteen years. I think he's tried to work it out. That's not really taking the easy road.
My folks split after about 18 years and believe me, it was for the best. Fantastic parents, awful husband and wife. Sometimes it just doesn't work.
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