Two behaviorists are having sex. When they finish, one turns to the other and says, "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Sartre is sitting in a cafe. The waitress asks him what he wants. "Coffee, no cream," he says. She replies, "Sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?"
What do you get if you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
Linoleum Blownapart
Oh my god
People are looking at me funny on the bus, you assholes.
God DAMMIT.
Edit: REVENGE!
She was only a whiskey maker
but he loved her still.
The boy's rubber band pistol was confiscated and he was sent to the principal's office
because the teacher considered it a weapon of math disruption.
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
a barber
Did you hear about the tragic story of the flash fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
"No," they drawled smugly. "We've come to seize yer berry, not to praise it."
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
Tom Cruise
fixed
Guys.
Guys.
Get it.
It's because Tom Cruise is secretly homosexual.
Secret homosexuals make the best punchlines.
"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
Tom Cruise
fixed
Guys.
Guys.
Get it.
It's because Tom Cruise is secretly homosexual.
Secret homosexuals make the best punchlines.
Unless...
Is Tom Cruise part-werewolf or something? Or does he have that Santa Claus disease from that one Tim Allen movie? Maybe he just grows facial hair really, really quickly.
A group of college students are taking a world religion class and are assigned a project: they are to assemble into groups based on their religion and make a presentation of the symbol that their faith uses.
Presentation day comes, and the first group stands in front of the class. "We are Jewish, and this is the Star of David." They go on to describe how it came to be emblematic of the Jewish faith, including how it was intended to imitate the effect of the Christian cross.
They sit down and the next group gets up. "We are Muslim, and the most recent symbol of the Islamic faith is the Star and Crescent." They go on to give a detailed history of how this took place.
The final group stands up.
"We are Christians, and this is a potluck dinner."
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facetiousa wit so dryit shits sandRegistered Userregular
What kind of traffic light describes the American Civil War?
A blinkin' one.
"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
Josh's joke is basically a riff on the "here's why people really go to church" thing.
Reminds me of one I heard long ago.
Went something like:
On main street there were a Catholic church, a synagogue, and a Presbyterian church all in a row. One day, there was a fire which quickly spread to all 3 buildings. The Catholic priest rushed in and a few minutes later came out with the communion set. The rabbi ran in and returned with a smoldering Torah. The Presbyterian pastor ran into the church as it began to collapse and came out clutching the coffee maker.
Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:
Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"
Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"
Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:
Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"
Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"
Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:
Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"
Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"
BeavisAndButtheadLaugh.gif
Exactly. Just imagine an entire classroom full of those laughs.
Posts
Yo momma so ugly she made Hello Kitty say goodbye!
Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
Prescriptivist: Did you just end a sentence with a preposition? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of grammar expert?
Linguist: Oh, sorry. Can you tell me where the library's at, asshole?
Back to bad jokes:
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm in an accident?
Did you hear about that kidnapping yesterday?
Why should you never trust an atom?
How many south americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
What did the skeptical pickle say?
That's actually super good.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
'Is this stool taken?'
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
Sartre is sitting in a cafe. The waitress asks him what he wants. "Coffee, no cream," he says. She replies, "Sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?"
People are looking at me funny on the bus, you assholes.
God DAMMIT.
Edit: REVENGE!
She was only a whiskey maker
The boy's rubber band pistol was confiscated and he was sent to the principal's office
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
Did you hear about the tragic story of the flash fire at the circus?
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space?
I ate too much middle eastern food.
Why does the furniture store keep calling me back?!
fixed
This reminds me of a variation on this one.
Why is sex while camping so amazing?
Guys.
Guys.
Get it.
It's because Tom Cruise is secretly homosexual.
Secret homosexuals make the best punchlines.
"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
Unless...
Is Tom Cruise part-werewolf or something? Or does he have that Santa Claus disease from that one Tim Allen movie? Maybe he just grows facial hair really, really quickly.
This version gets my vote.
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
Presentation day comes, and the first group stands in front of the class. "We are Jewish, and this is the Star of David." They go on to describe how it came to be emblematic of the Jewish faith, including how it was intended to imitate the effect of the Christian cross.
They sit down and the next group gets up. "We are Muslim, and the most recent symbol of the Islamic faith is the Star and Crescent." They go on to give a detailed history of how this took place.
The final group stands up.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
It was funnier in Robin Hood Men In Tights =P
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Reminds me of one I heard long ago.
Went something like:
On main street there were a Catholic church, a synagogue, and a Presbyterian church all in a row. One day, there was a fire which quickly spread to all 3 buildings. The Catholic priest rushed in and a few minutes later came out with the communion set. The rabbi ran in and returned with a smoldering Torah. The Presbyterian pastor ran into the church as it began to collapse and came out clutching the coffee maker.
:so_raven:
When I first moved to Abilene I was riding in a truck with my new boss, and I asked him where he goes to church, just trying to make small talk
So he responded, "I go to Heavenly Rest."
So in my mind I'm thinking, "Oh he sleeps in instead of going to church, like the old Bedside Baptist joke, that's funny."
So I chuckled and said, "Oh, really? I've been going to St. Mattress a lot lately."
And he gave me this weird look and was just like, "Um, Heavenly Rest is the church's real name."
And then it got awkward
Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"
Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"
BeavisAndButtheadLaugh.gif
Exactly. Just imagine an entire classroom full of those laughs.
Why did the baker have brown hands?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Sorry.
Oh my god
As they leave the class, one asks the other, "Do you really believe all that stuff? About how Satan tempts us to do evil and heaps suffering upon us?"
The other responds, "Nah,
What did Basil say to Rosemary?
Hi Thinking, I'm dad.
This here is sage advice.