"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
I need some good (ie) bad caving/spelunking puns for a friend's birthday cake.
Any ideas?
Best I can think of is something that's probably better to put on a birthday card honestly: "I stalagmite not wish you a Happy Birthday if we weren't so stalactite."
This is an exchange I had last night with my husband:
Me: I have someone I'd like you to meet.
Him: Who?
Me: *reveals step-stool* I'd like to introduce my step-stool. My real stool was never really involved in my life.
Him: *rolls eyes*
Edit- and as if on cue, my daughter started crying. It was for something totally unrelated. Really.
I'm watching Louis CK Live at the Comedy Store on Netflix, and the warm up guy almost told this same joke; he just used a step ladder instead.
Also he really didn't seem to be very good, but I don't know if that was just filmed that way for the special or what.
Posts
Haha.
Cloning has to be evil, because nothing good can come from Scotsmen doing odd things to sheep.
What's the difference between a Scot and a Beetle?
Edit: A shocking twist. By mangling the joke, I've proven that I was the worst joke all along.
Bungled the leadin to a bad joke with a borderline offensive punchline. Yay.
Just leaving that up there, warts and all, as an example of how not to bad joke.
How are a Scotsman and a rolling stone the same?
There are a bunch of Peanuts character statues in the Minneapolis area. This one is at the Best Buy headquarters.
I don't get it.
Any ideas?
I'm not good at cakes.
Best I can think of is something that's probably better to put on a birthday card honestly: "I stalagmite not wish you a Happy Birthday if we weren't so stalactite."
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil.
Piton your party hats, it's <Friend>'s birthday!
Here's to one more year of somehow not dying alone in the merciless blackness beneath the earth!
I didn't want to make this stupid cake, but then I caved.
Frajer Reunion 2010
I groaned out load reading this.
We got a winner!
It's stalagtite pun, though.
Yesss. My terrible affliction can occasionally be used for good.
I'm watching Louis CK Live at the Comedy Store on Netflix, and the warm up guy almost told this same joke; he just used a step ladder instead.
Also he really didn't seem to be very good, but I don't know if that was just filmed that way for the special or what.
My comments when we went to see it yesterday:
"Did he just build one, or is it part of a Set?"
"It's open to the public - just toot 'n' come in."
"I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."
Just had to Ramses puns down our throats, huh?
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
Mrs. Rhesus probably stays with you because of your pharaohmones.
This ended up being a big hit, she loved/hated the cake.
When I bought it and was checking out, the cashier read it out twice and let out an audible groan.
Now we are all sons of bitches.
pharaomones...
aramones...
amones-ra...
*gasp*
AMUN RA
*da vinci code broken*
Amen.
tut tut :x
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Then we'd be all set.
Sounds like a pyramid scheme.
Well, setesh.