I'm more inclined to say "why would he throw him a pack of cigs that has one laced with crack?"
Good to hear the guy who is fixing up high-powered paintball guns is on crack.
Now that I think abou tit the pack was sitting next to the register, the owner just grabbed one. And why would he tell him? The owner has had his own share of experiences so, I'm guessing, my buddy wasn't worried that the owner would be mad.
A few months ago I graduated college and got a job and moved to an apartment. After getting moved in and set up... my girlfriend and I started to break the whole place in... couch, bathroom, and eventually the bed. So after a particular romp one day. My dad and step mom showed up, and wanted to see a tour of the place. I gladly obliged and showed them around. When we got to the bed room... and were all looking around... I happened to notice a large circular white stain on my blue comforter. It was plainly visible for all to see and they didn't say a word. I was very embarrassed because they are super Mormons and here is evidence of my sin. :P
"Crossfaded" I got through process of elimination, but I think I'm going to need a hand on this one.
The rhythm method?
A person over 18 that purchases alcohol for young'uns.
Use:
"Hey, do you have a pull?" (n)
"Would you be willing to pull out for us?" (v)
We used to call it "running a Hey Mister"
my friends used to just get me to buy it from the near-sighted korean guy that owned the convenience store, dude was blind as a bat, as long as you were tall and had a deep voice he'd sell you whatever.
DevilGuy on
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Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
edited November 2007
About 6 or 7 years ago, my wife shared an apartment with our friend Q. This dude was a walking embarrassment. He would all ways say or do something in public that would make your face red.
One day I brought it up whille we were hanging out. He said that he couldn't be embarressed. I called bullshit one this one. He then went on to tell stories how people have tried. I just shrugged and let it go.
About a week or two later, we went to the grocery store to pick up some beer. I told Q I need to get some cheese too. We got our stuff and was walking to the front of the store. As we were exiting an isle, this hot chick walks right by us. We both say, "Damn." The we started to walk behind her, just to watch her ass. We were about 4 or 5 feet behind her, just talking and looking. I turn to Q and said
Me: Dude, it really hurts.
Q: What man?
Me: My Dick!It's just so hard!There is just so much ASS in here!
As I said that I was grabing my crotch with one hand.
Well Q's jaw just dropped and his face went beet red. The woman infromt of us looked back and shot me the most evil look I've see in a while. She just started to walk away faster. Q just turned right and let me there. I was laughing my ass off holding my nuts and a brick of cheese in the middle of the store.
Toxic Toys on
3DS code: 2938-6074-2306, Nintendo Network ID: ToxicToys, PSN: zutto
I used to live in a on-campus apartment, 2 guys per room.
One night I wake up half-asleep, and my bed is moving, and the bed post is tapping against the wall -- so I think it's a steady earthquake, which is common in California. It wasn't an earthquake, and the bed is a bunk bed
I was fully awake when I realized that, and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK, STOP SHAKING THE BED."
Dead silence.
"...OK."
falsedef on
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Raneadospolice apologistyou shouldn't have been there, obviouslyRegistered Userregular
September last, my wife and I had arrived at the airport on vacation, and were hanging around waiting for a friend to fly in as well- a big group trip. This was the first time we were to meet him in person, but we know he's a hilarious guy, and extremely unconcerned with how others view him.
We had asked how we would locate him, and he responded: "hell- just yell out 'BOOBS!' and I'll come running!" Rather than do that, we agreed that we'd do up a sign with his name on it. So my wife writes his name on a piece of paper, and when the time comes, we wait outside the security area for him- my wife purposely holding the sign upside down for comedic effect. Several people tell us the sign is upside down. This actually makes it even better.
We were waiting near some other people- as it turns out, I recognized the organization they were from- they work at a charity vacation spot for special needs kids and their families. They bring the families in, put them up in on-site rooms, and they all get to enjoy a private theme park just for them- no other stresses from the usual resort crap. It's actually kind of cool. All non-profit, and they're volunteers.
So, I'm chatting them up, laughing about how many folks have passed by mentioning our sign is upside down. Then, I spy our friend coming down the ramp. His first comment is how he's impressed that we spelled his name right. (insert laughter) Then, he launches into a thing about how his name backwards sounds like something a retarded kid would spout.
THEN, he starts his retard kid impression. He's really good at it. And pretty loud.
I'm mortified. Here I was, admiring these people who work really hard for handicapped kids, and my friend is unknowingly mocking them.
THAT'S when I notice that, right behind him, is the big family they're there to meet. Complete with 2 full "can't wipe my own face" kids in chairs.
At this point, I'm so messed up, I can't help but start giggling as we say our hellos to our friend and quickly move off towards the luggage areas.
Another moment that literally happened just a few minutes ago.
Me and the guys in my department are coming back in from lunch. Me and S hold the double doors open for J and B. J makes some comment about how he wished that happened more often. I respond with something like "Yeah, I bet you wish guys held doors open for you all the time." *laugh*
J responds "Yeah, but you know, I'd rather it be girls." *laugh*
B chimes in as we pass by the restrooms in the hall "Yeah. Girls. WITH DICKS!"
Just as he says that, two of our female coworkers exit the bathroom.
One of the first times I smoked I did a major party foul, it was four people with a bong being passed around and it came to be my turn. They show me how to do it, light it up, drag for way too long for a new smoker, and right when I go to pull up the slide, I cough really hard with it still up against my mouth. The slide flew about 12 feet across the room, hit an inch away from the window, and put a huge dent in the wall. It hit the wall so hard it ricocheted off and flew back onto a bed a few feet away. And what follows the slide getting shot out? A huge stream of water from the bong shoots out all over my pants, making my jeans and some of the bed and floor drenched in disgusting bong water. I'm much better at bong hits now, but the people who were there (2 years ago or so) still give me shit about "the incident".
The Death Of Hilarity on
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TL DRNot at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered Userregular
edited November 2007
Wow. That's pretty impressive. No reason to think you'll ever live it down, either.
Pretty much right behind my house there is a bunch of stores and one of them is a pizza place, which I go to about two-three times a week. Between my house and the line of stores is a little parking lot which I have to cross on the way to the pizza store.
So.
It's about 11pm and I decide to go get some pizza. On the way there as I'm walking through the parking lot, I notice theres a running van towards the back of it by the fence - it pretty much looks like a child molester van, all it was really missing was the 'FREE CANDY' sign on the side in spray paint. But whatever, I'm getting pizza, so I don't really care.
I pick up my food and start walking back and I enter the parking, but then I hear the sound of water dribbling. SO ok what the fuck, weird, but whatever. I look over towards the van and I see the driver side door open, with a guy standing there with his hand at his waist. So I'm thinking allright, the dude needed to take a leak, he could of done it in a better place but whatever, I'm going to ignore him, I have my pizza and now I'm going home to eat it!
But no, sadly not.
As I'm walking, trying hard to ignore the guy, he notices me, looks right at me and goes:
"Oh hey man! Didn't see you there, sorry about that!"
I pretty much made it show that I was ignoring him, yet he still chose to call out to me. So to you, Peeing Man in the Parking Lot, I have to say thanks, thanks for ruining my trip to get pizza.
One of the first times I smoked I did a major party foul, it was four people with a bong being passed around and it came to be my turn. They show me how to do it, light it up, drag for way too long for a new smoker, and right when I go to pull up the slide, I cough really hard with it still up against my mouth. The slide flew about 12 feet across the room, hit an inch away from the window, and put a huge dent in the wall. It hit the wall so hard it ricocheted off and flew back onto a bed a few feet away. And what follows the slide getting shot out? A huge stream of water from the bong shoots out all over my pants, making my jeans and some of the bed and floor drenched in disgusting bong water. I'm much better at bong hits now, but the people who were there (2 years ago or so) still give me shit about "the incident".
My first thought was, sadly, "that's gotta be one hell of a seal to get that kind of distance. Probably draws like a pencil."
This happened several years ago, a week after I proposed to my Wife if I remember correctly.
We were going out to the movies, running late and in a rush. We stopped at a mini-mart to pick up some candy to sneak in. She stayed in the car while I ran in. I grabbed our stuff, paid and rushed back out again. Hopped in our car and went to start the car, while resuming a conversation we were having before I ran in. The key wouldn't go into the ignition. I tried putting it in a couple more times before it dawned on me.
The interior color was off a bit.
The steering wheel was the wrong shape.
My Wife hadn't said a word to me since I got back in the car.
I had gotten into the wrong car. A remarkably similar wrong car. With a woman who might be mistaken for my Wife in bad lighting (which it was). I looked past her to the car parked next to the one I was in. There was my Wife, waving frantically and laughing her ass off.
I apologized and quickly switched to the right car. I think the only thing the other woman managed to say was "it's ok." Four years later, and my Wife still brings it up.
This happened several years ago, a week after I proposed to my Wife if I remember correctly.
We were going out to the movies, running late and in a rush. We stopped at a mini-mart to pick up some candy to sneak in. She stayed in the car while I ran in. I grabbed our stuff, paid and rushed back out again. Hopped in our car and went to start the car, while resuming a conversation we were having before I ran in. The key wouldn't go into the ignition. I tried putting it in a couple more times before it dawned on me.
The interior color was off a bit.
The steering wheel was the wrong shape.
My Wife hadn't said a word to me since I got back in the car.
I had gotten into the wrong car. A remarkably similar wrong car. With a woman who might be mistaken for my Wife in bad lighting (which it was). I looked past her to the car parked next to the one I was in. There was my Wife, waving frantically and laughing her ass off.
I apologized and quickly switched to the right car. I think the only thing the other woman managed to say was "it's ok." Four years later, and my Wife still brings it up.
Oh god, those are the best kinds of stories. I mistook another Asian woman for my mother once, in a grocery store. She had these coupons in her hand, and I walked up to her, thinking she was my mom, and I just took them out of her hand, saying, "Oh, so you had these." She turns around is like, "What the fuck, bitch, those are mine!" Not literally, but I think she found it slightly annoying that some random girl just took her coupons out of her hands. When I realized my mistake, I just wanted to disappear into the ground and never be seen again.
Something like that happened to a friend of mine. I was supposed to pick her up after a presentation-type show she was attending. And I did, but I was a little late. She was waiting for me just outside the theatre, and all the cars were slowly driving by and stopping (you know, typical going-to-the-only-parking-lot-exit-after-the-show traffic). Eventually, she sees my car come around and stop right where she's waiting. She opens the door and sits in the passenger seat, and starts talking to me, eventually finally turning to me...
...and realising it's not me. It's someone with the same model/colour car as me...
...but not anyone. It's the guy who just did the presentation she just attended.
Oh god, those are the best kinds of stories. I mistook another Asian woman for my mother once, in a grocery store. She had these coupons in her hand, and I walked up to her, thinking she was my mom, and I just took them out of her hand, saying, "Oh, so you had these." She turns around is like, "What the fuck, bitch, those are mine!" Not literally, but I think she found it slightly annoying that some random girl just took her coupons out of her hands. When I realized my mistake, I just wanted to disappear into the ground and never be seen again.
Not sure whether I've told this story before, but the similarity between yours and mine jogged my memory to this particular one.
I was probably about 6, and I'm asian as well. I was wondering around the fruit and vegetables section off in my own little world, and then suddenly felt like a hug. I ran around, found my mum's pair of jeans (remember, my head's basically at asscheek height at that age) and ran up with a big happy smile on my face and hugged that pair of legs tight.
Then looked up.
Not Mum.
Man, if I could only get away with running up to a random pair of legs in jeans and hugging them nowadays. I was a cute kid, so I got away with it.
I'm in a college marching band, I play the tuba, and we've got our own little Tuba room that we've turned into something of a clubhouse, complete with nice long benches and a decent sound system. Because it's nice sometimes we'll get to band early just to hang out before practice.
It was starting to get a little chilly so I'd began wearing gym shorts under my work pants just to keep me a little warmer. So there we all were hanging out in the tuba room and we're getting ready to head outside for practice and I think to myself "These pants are a little constrictive, I should take them off". I decide that I'll do it proudly and in front of everyone to freak them out that I'm just tearing my pants off.
Well, it turns out that this wasn't one of those days I'd been wearing gym shorts under my pants and the hole of my boxers was just right so that I was showin' brain. Luckily only the section leader was paying attention, because he was sitting on the bench right in front of me with his head at waist height. His reaction was "WHAT THE HELL?!?"
Not sure whether I've told this story before, but the similarity between yours and mine jogged my memory to this particular one.
I was probably about 6, and I'm asian as well. I was wondering around the fruit and vegetables section off in my own little world, and then suddenly felt like a hug. I ran around, found my mum's pair of jeans (remember, my head's basically at asscheek height at that age) and ran up with a big happy smile on my face and hugged that pair of legs tight.
Then looked up.
Not Mum.
Man, if I could only get away with running up to a random pair of legs in jeans and hugging them nowadays. I was a cute kid, so I got away with it.
I was actually on the receiving end of an almost identical event.
I was wearing jeans, waiting in line at some fast-food place, when a munchkin about knee-high started hugging my leg and calling me "daddy!" Then he looked up smiling... and realised I wasn't his daddy. He let go of my leg and took a few steps back, looked around, found the correct jeans-wearing guy and ran to him to hug his leg.
Back when I played in a symphony, we used to bring in a string quartet from out of town to beef up our sound. They were an awesome group, and well worth whatever we paid them. We were not a very good symphony, but we tried very hard, and hearing the mercenary performers really inspired the rest of the section to give it their all.
Anyway, we were halfway through one concert and had just broken for intermission. I was practicing a really difficult section over in one corner of the performer's area (actually an old ballroom for a chapter of the Shriners, so it had all kinds of tacky pictures of camels and palm trees on the wall.) There were cheap stackable chairs all the way around the outside of the room, with a refreshment area in the middle. A lot of people were getting their instruments back into shape for the next part of the concert or re-arranging their sheet music. The brass section was passing a flask around.
The badass mercenary cellist was sitting on a chair on the other side of the room with his eyes closed, his arms relaxed at his sides, and a general look of peace and utter tranquility on his face. Whatever, I had some hellish section of music to practice and my fingers weren't working at all. So I sat there, hunched over my sheet music, working feverishly. I looked up again and saw the tuba player doing an exaggerated, Elmer Fudd-style sneak across the room. It didn't really register, and I was too stressed out to give a shit.
And then there was a huge, loud, thrumming, flatulent tuba blast. It was one of the raunchiest sounds I've ever heard an instrument make. I looked up and saw the cellist laying on the ground with a completely bewildered look on his face. His hair was messed up and he was trying to crab-walk away from whatever made that horrible horrible sound. The rest of the quartet was huddled on the opposite side of the room, giggling and snorting.
It turns out that the cellist liked to do some form of meditation before playing. And he'd decided to sneak off and do a bit of a refresher during intermission. And the rest of the quartet, seeing an opportunity, had told the tuba player to go "wake him up." And a good laugh was had by all (once they determined that he wasn't going to die, and that he didn't need a change in underwear.)
Last weekend me and the boyfriend were kinda making out and whatever in my bed. So I'm, y'know, going to work on him, and my roommate walks in. Luckily we heard her coming down the hall and i laid down next to him and acted asleep. His erection would have been visible beneath the blanket had I not held it down against his stomach. Roommate then proceeded to shuffle things around for about five minutes, because she genuinely thought we were asleep. She "woke me up" about 5-10 minutes later. Haha.
This happened several years ago, a week after I proposed to my Wife if I remember correctly.
We were going out to the movies, running late and in a rush. We stopped at a mini-mart to pick up some candy to sneak in. She stayed in the car while I ran in. I grabbed our stuff, paid and rushed back out again. Hopped in our car and went to start the car, while resuming a conversation we were having before I ran in. The key wouldn't go into the ignition. I tried putting it in a couple more times before it dawned on me.
The interior color was off a bit.
The steering wheel was the wrong shape.
My Wife hadn't said a word to me since I got back in the car.
I had gotten into the wrong car. A remarkably similar wrong car. With a woman who might be mistaken for my Wife in bad lighting (which it was). I looked past her to the car parked next to the one I was in. There was my Wife, waving frantically and laughing her ass off.
I apologized and quickly switched to the right car. I think the only thing the other woman managed to say was "it's ok." Four years later, and my Wife still brings it up.
Oh god, those are the best kinds of stories. I mistook another Asian woman for my mother once, in a grocery store. She had these coupons in her hand, and I walked up to her, thinking she was my mom, and I just took them out of her hand, saying, "Oh, so you had these." She turns around is like, "What the fuck, bitch, those are mine!" Not literally, but I think she found it slightly annoying that some random girl just took her coupons out of her hands. When I realized my mistake, I just wanted to disappear into the ground and never be seen again.
I once went to London with my then girlfriend and her mum, meeting some friends of their family. It was all going well, we were going through the crowds, and I took my girlfriend's hand as we wandered around. We walked about 30 feet before her mum said that 'she liked me, but not like that'.
I had been holding my girlfriend's mum's hand, with my slightly peeved looking girlfriend walking behind us. Whooooops.
This thread is made of liquid awesome and I cant resist telling my own tale of woe.
I arranged to go visit my folks for the weekend. Unfortunately my dad is a bit absent minded at the best of times and he forgot I was coming down. On the day I was to take the three hour train journey to my parents I overslept and almost missed my train. I caught it, I just didn't have time to call ahead and arrange my pickup from the station. Oops.
So I arrive at the station and call my folks to come pick me up. I get the machine. I call again 10 minutes later. Again the machine. Time passes. Minutes turn to hours. Hours give rise to increasingly frantic messages left on the answering machine. Its dark now. The station is all but abandoned except for me and the staff who are giving me strange looks. Finally I'm approached by a plain clothes policeman who tries to buy drugs off me. I tell him I'm not stupid or a drug dealer and explain my situation. He is sympathetic but unhelpful and tells me to leave the station.
And then it hits me. I'm alone in a strange city at night, with nowhere to go, no money and no way of getting home.
Fuck.
I decide that I'm supposed to be an adult now so I pull myself together and go looking for a Bed&Breakfast and hope my parents can pay the bill tomorrow. Sadly there are few places open at midnight and I wander for hours. Finally I see a light! An open door! B&B! I rush in and am confronted by a 40ish woman best described as sultry. "Well hello there young man." she says, appraising me in the manner a child would an imminent serving of chocolate ice cream. I try to explain myself but get very flustered by her obviously flirting. She hushes me, "It's ok honey, I understand. Come with me.", and leads me into a back room. I'm greeted by lingerie, makeup, legs and boobs. Momentarily stunned it takes a while to sink in. And then it dawns on me like a nuclear explosion on the horizon.
I'd walked into a brothel.
I think I went past embarrassment and entered that zone where its just too silly so you might as well man up and face it. After explaining myself they of course all laughed there asses off at me but agreed to let me stay. One of the girls even made me a cup of tea.
My mother had arranged to visit my gran that same weekend because my dad didn't tell her I was coming. It was certainly a life experience for a rather naive 18yr old.
Oh god, those are the best kinds of stories. I mistook another Asian woman for my mother once, in a grocery store. She had these coupons in her hand, and I walked up to her, thinking she was my mom, and I just took them out of her hand, saying, "Oh, so you had these." She turns around is like, "What the fuck, bitch, those are mine!" Not literally, but I think she found it slightly annoying that some random girl just took her coupons out of her hands. When I realized my mistake, I just wanted to disappear into the ground and never be seen again.
Not sure whether I've told this story before, but the similarity between yours and mine jogged my memory to this particular one.
I was probably about 6, and I'm asian as well. I was wondering around the fruit and vegetables section off in my own little world, and then suddenly felt like a hug. I ran around, found my mum's pair of jeans (remember, my head's basically at asscheek height at that age) and ran up with a big happy smile on my face and hugged that pair of legs tight.
Then looked up.
Not Mum.
Man, if I could only get away with running up to a random pair of legs in jeans and hugging them nowadays. I was a cute kid, so I got away with it.
I did something like that, but worse, I did it in the women's changeroom at the pool, so I hugged some poor woman's bare legs. I must have been younger than you were though.
I was wearing jeans, waiting in line at some fast-food place, when a munchkin about knee-high started hugging my leg and calling me "daddy!" Then he looked up smiling... and realised I wasn't his daddy. He let go of my leg and took a few steps back, looked around, found the correct jeans-wearing guy and ran to him to hug his leg.
You should have lept back and shrieked "She said she was on the pill!"
Corlis on
But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
I decide that I'm supposed to be an adult now so I pull myself together and go looking for a Bed&Breakfast and hope my parents can pay the bill tomorrow. Sadly there are few places open at midnight and I wander for hours. Finally I see a light! An open door! B&B! I rush in and am confronted by a 40ish woman best described as sultry. "Well hello there young man." she says, appraising me in the manner a child would an imminent serving of chocolate ice cream. I try to explain myself but get very flustered by her obviously flirting. She hushes me, "It's ok honey, I understand. Come with me.", and leads me into a back room. I'm greeted by lingerie, makeup, legs and boobs. Momentarily stunned it takes a while to sink in. And then it dawns on me like a nuclear explosion on the horizon.
I've had a woman in her 40s flirt with me like that before. I was probably young enough to be her son.
Over the summer I always took my lunch break at this bakery with a real good ham & swiss, and they'd always give you a free slice of bread with honey with whatever you ordered. I was just done putting honey all over my free piece of bread as I turned to walk to the back of the store to wait for my sammich. Right as I turned, with slice of bread in hand, some woman bumped into me, smearing honey all over my arm and shirt. Before I could say anything, she eyed me top to bottom reaaal slow like, looked me in the eyes, and said "I got honey on you." I was kind of in an awkward-induced paralysis, trying to understand why she emphasized the word honey, if it was an innuendo, wondering why young girls don't flirt with me, etc. She smiled and walked away without another word.
Not comparable to spending the night in a brothel, but at least I got a ham sandwich out of the deal
Did she walk away immediately, or give you time to respond and you failed? The appropriate response was, "Yes you did. Now are you going to lick it off?"
I'm not sure I've ever told this story here, but forgive me if it's a repeat;
I was in my early teen years when we went on a trip out to Calgary to see distant relatives. We were having a blast, though the weather was a bit odd (as it can be at times), but we spent the entire month of August out there, getting to know people I'd only seen a few times in my entire life.
At one point on this adventure, we went to a rather large zoo, and thinking ahead, decided that there was one place that we should meet up in the event we got seperated. Well, we wandered off and began looking at various animals and exhibits. As my cunning foreshadowing (and the earlier stories on this page) suggests, I tapped my mother on the shoulder at one point and discovered, Calvin & Hobbes style, that it was not, in fact, my mother.
Apologizing to the woman I'd been following around for who knows how long for the intrusion, I made my way back to the aforementioned meeting spot, in order to share the humour in mistaking another woman (who, in my defense, was about the same height, build, age, and wearing similar clothes to my mother).
And I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Eventually I got sufficiently tired of waiting (and I'm a patient man with a watch, I'm talking well over an hour here) I snagged a zoo employee and asked them to page my mom over the PA system. They did so, and eventually she and the rest of my family came back.
Apparently my distant aunt had convinced her to 'teach me a lesson' in regards to wandering off, not knowing that I had honestly and sincerely just started following the wrong person at some point.
So basically I was punished for doing the right thing (going back to the pre-arranged meeting spot).
I think that was the day I finally gave up on depending on anyone but myself.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Something like that happened to a friend of mine. I was supposed to pick her up after a presentation-type show she was attending. And I did, but I was a little late. She was waiting for me just outside the theatre, and all the cars were slowly driving by and stopping (you know, typical going-to-the-only-parking-lot-exit-after-the-show traffic). Eventually, she sees my car come around and stop right where she's waiting. She opens the door and sits in the passenger seat, and starts talking to me, eventually finally turning to me...
...and realising it's not me. It's someone with the same model/colour car as me...
...but not anyone. It's the guy who just did the presentation she just attended.
Heheh. I had a similar one happen to me in high school. I frequently got a ride from school to my friends house because they lived nearby and my parents would just pick me up from there on their way home. One day I was waiting out front, and I see this car drive up that looks like one of their Hondas, and the driver looks like my friend's dad. I get in the car set my backpack by my feet and I'm all like "Boy I'm glad you're here. But Steve is staying after to work on a set and I don't know where Emma is... You .....aren't who I was expecting at all!" He has this really confused look on his face and goes "Yeah, I was wondering who you were too. I get out of the car and go inside to tell his son his dad was here."
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Now that I think abou tit the pack was sitting next to the register, the owner just grabbed one. And why would he tell him? The owner has had his own share of experiences so, I'm guessing, my buddy wasn't worried that the owner would be mad.
Which is the opposite of what actually happened.
A few months ago I graduated college and got a job and moved to an apartment. After getting moved in and set up... my girlfriend and I started to break the whole place in... couch, bathroom, and eventually the bed. So after a particular romp one day. My dad and step mom showed up, and wanted to see a tour of the place. I gladly obliged and showed them around. When we got to the bed room... and were all looking around... I happened to notice a large circular white stain on my blue comforter. It was plainly visible for all to see and they didn't say a word. I was very embarrassed because they are super Mormons and here is evidence of my sin. :P
my friends used to just get me to buy it from the near-sighted korean guy that owned the convenience store, dude was blind as a bat, as long as you were tall and had a deep voice he'd sell you whatever.
One day I brought it up whille we were hanging out. He said that he couldn't be embarressed. I called bullshit one this one. He then went on to tell stories how people have tried. I just shrugged and let it go.
About a week or two later, we went to the grocery store to pick up some beer. I told Q I need to get some cheese too. We got our stuff and was walking to the front of the store. As we were exiting an isle, this hot chick walks right by us. We both say, "Damn." The we started to walk behind her, just to watch her ass. We were about 4 or 5 feet behind her, just talking and looking. I turn to Q and said
Me: Dude, it really hurts.
Q: What man?
Me: My Dick!It's just so hard!There is just so much ASS in here!
As I said that I was grabing my crotch with one hand.
Well Q's jaw just dropped and his face went beet red. The woman infromt of us looked back and shot me the most evil look I've see in a while. She just started to walk away faster. Q just turned right and let me there. I was laughing my ass off holding my nuts and a brick of cheese in the middle of the store.
That is the greatest thing ever
One night I wake up half-asleep, and my bed is moving, and the bed post is tapping against the wall -- so I think it's a steady earthquake, which is common in California. It wasn't an earthquake, and the bed is a bunk bed
I was fully awake when I realized that, and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK, STOP SHAKING THE BED."
Dead silence.
"...OK."
to make you ask why
:^:
Only difference is, instead of milk you add ammonia.
September last, my wife and I had arrived at the airport on vacation, and were hanging around waiting for a friend to fly in as well- a big group trip. This was the first time we were to meet him in person, but we know he's a hilarious guy, and extremely unconcerned with how others view him.
We had asked how we would locate him, and he responded: "hell- just yell out 'BOOBS!' and I'll come running!" Rather than do that, we agreed that we'd do up a sign with his name on it. So my wife writes his name on a piece of paper, and when the time comes, we wait outside the security area for him- my wife purposely holding the sign upside down for comedic effect. Several people tell us the sign is upside down. This actually makes it even better.
We were waiting near some other people- as it turns out, I recognized the organization they were from- they work at a charity vacation spot for special needs kids and their families. They bring the families in, put them up in on-site rooms, and they all get to enjoy a private theme park just for them- no other stresses from the usual resort crap. It's actually kind of cool. All non-profit, and they're volunteers.
So, I'm chatting them up, laughing about how many folks have passed by mentioning our sign is upside down. Then, I spy our friend coming down the ramp. His first comment is how he's impressed that we spelled his name right. (insert laughter) Then, he launches into a thing about how his name backwards sounds like something a retarded kid would spout.
THEN, he starts his retard kid impression. He's really good at it. And pretty loud.
I'm mortified. Here I was, admiring these people who work really hard for handicapped kids, and my friend is unknowingly mocking them.
THAT'S when I notice that, right behind him, is the big family they're there to meet. Complete with 2 full "can't wipe my own face" kids in chairs.
At this point, I'm so messed up, I can't help but start giggling as we say our hellos to our friend and quickly move off towards the luggage areas.
That quickly became the story of the week for us.
Me and the guys in my department are coming back in from lunch. Me and S hold the double doors open for J and B. J makes some comment about how he wished that happened more often. I respond with something like "Yeah, I bet you wish guys held doors open for you all the time." *laugh*
J responds "Yeah, but you know, I'd rather it be girls." *laugh*
B chimes in as we pass by the restrooms in the hall "Yeah. Girls. WITH DICKS!"
Just as he says that, two of our female coworkers exit the bathroom.
B:
Me:
J:
S:
So.
It's about 11pm and I decide to go get some pizza. On the way there as I'm walking through the parking lot, I notice theres a running van towards the back of it by the fence - it pretty much looks like a child molester van, all it was really missing was the 'FREE CANDY' sign on the side in spray paint. But whatever, I'm getting pizza, so I don't really care.
I pick up my food and start walking back and I enter the parking, but then I hear the sound of water dribbling. SO ok what the fuck, weird, but whatever. I look over towards the van and I see the driver side door open, with a guy standing there with his hand at his waist. So I'm thinking allright, the dude needed to take a leak, he could of done it in a better place but whatever, I'm going to ignore him, I have my pizza and now I'm going home to eat it!
But no, sadly not.
As I'm walking, trying hard to ignore the guy, he notices me, looks right at me and goes:
"Oh hey man! Didn't see you there, sorry about that!"
I pretty much made it show that I was ignoring him, yet he still chose to call out to me. So to you, Peeing Man in the Parking Lot, I have to say thanks, thanks for ruining my trip to get pizza.
My first thought was, sadly, "that's gotta be one hell of a seal to get that kind of distance. Probably draws like a pencil."
We were going out to the movies, running late and in a rush. We stopped at a mini-mart to pick up some candy to sneak in. She stayed in the car while I ran in. I grabbed our stuff, paid and rushed back out again. Hopped in our car and went to start the car, while resuming a conversation we were having before I ran in. The key wouldn't go into the ignition. I tried putting it in a couple more times before it dawned on me.
The interior color was off a bit.
The steering wheel was the wrong shape.
My Wife hadn't said a word to me since I got back in the car.
I had gotten into the wrong car. A remarkably similar wrong car. With a woman who might be mistaken for my Wife in bad lighting (which it was). I looked past her to the car parked next to the one I was in. There was my Wife, waving frantically and laughing her ass off.
I apologized and quickly switched to the right car. I think the only thing the other woman managed to say was "it's ok." Four years later, and my Wife still brings it up.
...and realising it's not me. It's someone with the same model/colour car as me...
...but not anyone. It's the guy who just did the presentation she just attended.
Not sure whether I've told this story before, but the similarity between yours and mine jogged my memory to this particular one.
I was probably about 6, and I'm asian as well. I was wondering around the fruit and vegetables section off in my own little world, and then suddenly felt like a hug. I ran around, found my mum's pair of jeans (remember, my head's basically at asscheek height at that age) and ran up with a big happy smile on my face and hugged that pair of legs tight.
Then looked up.
Not Mum.
Man, if I could only get away with running up to a random pair of legs in jeans and hugging them nowadays. I was a cute kid, so I got away with it.
Aww, how adorable :P
Oh, I forgot to mention, I actually spoke Chinese to the woman. It was a good thing she spoke Chinese too, or that would have been extra mortifying.
It was starting to get a little chilly so I'd began wearing gym shorts under my work pants just to keep me a little warmer. So there we all were hanging out in the tuba room and we're getting ready to head outside for practice and I think to myself "These pants are a little constrictive, I should take them off". I decide that I'll do it proudly and in front of everyone to freak them out that I'm just tearing my pants off.
Well, it turns out that this wasn't one of those days I'd been wearing gym shorts under my pants and the hole of my boxers was just right so that I was showin' brain. Luckily only the section leader was paying attention, because he was sitting on the bench right in front of me with his head at waist height. His reaction was "WHAT THE HELL?!?"
I was wearing jeans, waiting in line at some fast-food place, when a munchkin about knee-high started hugging my leg and calling me "daddy!" Then he looked up smiling... and realised I wasn't his daddy. He let go of my leg and took a few steps back, looked around, found the correct jeans-wearing guy and ran to him to hug his leg.
Back when I played in a symphony, we used to bring in a string quartet from out of town to beef up our sound. They were an awesome group, and well worth whatever we paid them. We were not a very good symphony, but we tried very hard, and hearing the mercenary performers really inspired the rest of the section to give it their all.
Anyway, we were halfway through one concert and had just broken for intermission. I was practicing a really difficult section over in one corner of the performer's area (actually an old ballroom for a chapter of the Shriners, so it had all kinds of tacky pictures of camels and palm trees on the wall.) There were cheap stackable chairs all the way around the outside of the room, with a refreshment area in the middle. A lot of people were getting their instruments back into shape for the next part of the concert or re-arranging their sheet music. The brass section was passing a flask around.
The badass mercenary cellist was sitting on a chair on the other side of the room with his eyes closed, his arms relaxed at his sides, and a general look of peace and utter tranquility on his face. Whatever, I had some hellish section of music to practice and my fingers weren't working at all. So I sat there, hunched over my sheet music, working feverishly. I looked up again and saw the tuba player doing an exaggerated, Elmer Fudd-style sneak across the room. It didn't really register, and I was too stressed out to give a shit.
And then there was a huge, loud, thrumming, flatulent tuba blast. It was one of the raunchiest sounds I've ever heard an instrument make. I looked up and saw the cellist laying on the ground with a completely bewildered look on his face. His hair was messed up and he was trying to crab-walk away from whatever made that horrible horrible sound. The rest of the quartet was huddled on the opposite side of the room, giggling and snorting.
It turns out that the cellist liked to do some form of meditation before playing. And he'd decided to sneak off and do a bit of a refresher during intermission. And the rest of the quartet, seeing an opportunity, had told the tuba player to go "wake him up." And a good laugh was had by all (once they determined that he wasn't going to die, and that he didn't need a change in underwear.)
I had been holding my girlfriend's mum's hand, with my slightly peeved looking girlfriend walking behind us. Whooooops.
I arranged to go visit my folks for the weekend. Unfortunately my dad is a bit absent minded at the best of times and he forgot I was coming down. On the day I was to take the three hour train journey to my parents I overslept and almost missed my train. I caught it, I just didn't have time to call ahead and arrange my pickup from the station. Oops.
So I arrive at the station and call my folks to come pick me up. I get the machine. I call again 10 minutes later. Again the machine. Time passes. Minutes turn to hours. Hours give rise to increasingly frantic messages left on the answering machine. Its dark now. The station is all but abandoned except for me and the staff who are giving me strange looks. Finally I'm approached by a plain clothes policeman who tries to buy drugs off me. I tell him I'm not stupid or a drug dealer and explain my situation. He is sympathetic but unhelpful and tells me to leave the station.
And then it hits me. I'm alone in a strange city at night, with nowhere to go, no money and no way of getting home.
Fuck.
I decide that I'm supposed to be an adult now so I pull myself together and go looking for a Bed&Breakfast and hope my parents can pay the bill tomorrow. Sadly there are few places open at midnight and I wander for hours. Finally I see a light! An open door! B&B! I rush in and am confronted by a 40ish woman best described as sultry. "Well hello there young man." she says, appraising me in the manner a child would an imminent serving of chocolate ice cream. I try to explain myself but get very flustered by her obviously flirting. She hushes me, "It's ok honey, I understand. Come with me.", and leads me into a back room. I'm greeted by lingerie, makeup, legs and boobs. Momentarily stunned it takes a while to sink in. And then it dawns on me like a nuclear explosion on the horizon.
I'd walked into a brothel.
I think I went past embarrassment and entered that zone where its just too silly so you might as well man up and face it. After explaining myself they of course all laughed there asses off at me but agreed to let me stay. One of the girls even made me a cup of tea.
You should have lept back and shrieked "She said she was on the pill!"
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
I've had a woman in her 40s flirt with me like that before. I was probably young enough to be her son.
Over the summer I always took my lunch break at this bakery with a real good ham & swiss, and they'd always give you a free slice of bread with honey with whatever you ordered. I was just done putting honey all over my free piece of bread as I turned to walk to the back of the store to wait for my sammich. Right as I turned, with slice of bread in hand, some woman bumped into me, smearing honey all over my arm and shirt. Before I could say anything, she eyed me top to bottom reaaal slow like, looked me in the eyes, and said "I got honey on you." I was kind of in an awkward-induced paralysis, trying to understand why she emphasized the word honey, if it was an innuendo, wondering why young girls don't flirt with me, etc. She smiled and walked away without another word.
Not comparable to spending the night in a brothel, but at least I got a ham sandwich out of the deal
I was in my early teen years when we went on a trip out to Calgary to see distant relatives. We were having a blast, though the weather was a bit odd (as it can be at times), but we spent the entire month of August out there, getting to know people I'd only seen a few times in my entire life.
At one point on this adventure, we went to a rather large zoo, and thinking ahead, decided that there was one place that we should meet up in the event we got seperated. Well, we wandered off and began looking at various animals and exhibits. As my cunning foreshadowing (and the earlier stories on this page) suggests, I tapped my mother on the shoulder at one point and discovered, Calvin & Hobbes style, that it was not, in fact, my mother.
Apologizing to the woman I'd been following around for who knows how long for the intrusion, I made my way back to the aforementioned meeting spot, in order to share the humour in mistaking another woman (who, in my defense, was about the same height, build, age, and wearing similar clothes to my mother).
And I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Eventually I got sufficiently tired of waiting (and I'm a patient man with a watch, I'm talking well over an hour here) I snagged a zoo employee and asked them to page my mom over the PA system. They did so, and eventually she and the rest of my family came back.
Apparently my distant aunt had convinced her to 'teach me a lesson' in regards to wandering off, not knowing that I had honestly and sincerely just started following the wrong person at some point.
So basically I was punished for doing the right thing (going back to the pre-arranged meeting spot).
I think that was the day I finally gave up on depending on anyone but myself.
Heheh. I had a similar one happen to me in high school. I frequently got a ride from school to my friends house because they lived nearby and my parents would just pick me up from there on their way home. One day I was waiting out front, and I see this car drive up that looks like one of their Hondas, and the driver looks like my friend's dad. I get in the car set my backpack by my feet and I'm all like "Boy I'm glad you're here. But Steve is staying after to work on a set and I don't know where Emma is... You .....aren't who I was expecting at all!" He has this really confused look on his face and goes "Yeah, I was wondering who you were too. I get out of the car and go inside to tell his son his dad was here."