Ah, drunk stories. Back in the day, my uncle and a bunch of his friends decided to go out to a cemetery to sit in the dark and drink. Don't ask me why - probably because they lived in the middle of nowhere, and there wasn't much to do. So at one point, he was feeling nature's call, and wandered off away from the group to take a leak. So he starts relieving himself against a tombstone. As he finished up, he looked down, and saw that the tombstone had his own name on it! Now, he has a fairly common name, so it was just a big coincidence, but he still gets the look on his face when he tells that story.
And I have a fairly tame "wake up from a drunk in a strange place" story. In college, I had several friends who lived in our University's on-campus apartments. They weren't dorms, they were two bedroom apartments that were shared by 4 people each. And every one of them was identical in every way - layout, paint and carpet color, furniture. So my friends and I got rather intoxicated at their apartment. There were plenty of people from neighboring apartments at this party as well. Things get fuzzy for me after a while, and eventually I woke up in an apartment bunk bed. Except it wasn't my friends' apartment. I have no idea whose apartment I'm in! I'm fully clothed. There's no one else in my bunk. No one in the bunk below. So I got up, walked out of the bedroom, and there was no one in the common area either. The door to the other bedroom was closed. At this point, I'm a little freaked out, so I left the apartment. Only problem is that, like the apartments themselves, all of the hallways in these buildings look exactly the same, too. So now I don't even know what floor, or what building I'm in. I eventually find the stairs, get out of the building, and find my car. I found out later that I had asked to stay with my friends, but they had no room, so one of their friends offered up their bunk and took their absent roommate's instead.
I generally don't do too many foolish things when I'm drunk but sometimes I do.
I'm in an improv group at my college which is all male this year due because our two girls are either abroad or pursuing other interests. We'll probably get more next semester. Anyway we take a yearly trip to chicago and after having a grand old time we end up at an apartment during our last night there and we get shitfaced. One of the fellas puts on a maid outfit. There's an adorable little chihuahua there that I befriended. Anyway, the entire group is pretty damn attractive to be honest, and I'm a gay dude. There may be another one in the group but he wasn't there and is fairly closeted. Anyway, I drink a ton of rum and apparently I started kissing everyone in the group. Not making out, but just gentle little kisses on backs of necks, cheeks, and between shoulder blades. Then I pass out on top of a passed out dude (as far as I know - I don't remember any of this).
A couple hours later it's time to take the el-train back to our hostel. Of course I'm still roaring drunk and extremely sick to boot. So we're wandering back through chicago, and I spend at least five minute and 20 dollars trying to figure out how to buy a train pass. A couple of the sober group members just watched me try to work the machine until I figured it out. Then we took the train back, me trying not to vom the entire way, until I collapse in my bed and take an extremely nauseating and unpleasant flight back. I walked around the airport unshaven, hung over and sick, all the while wearing my "Masturbate" hat. I'm sure I was quite a sight.
Luckily no one was weirded out, they found my uninhibited gay ass very charming.
I started kissing everyone in the group. Not making out, but just gentle little kisses on backs of necks, cheeks, and between shoulder blades.
Man, I have a bi friend who does this sober.
Also I knew there was someone else on these forums who had my avatar. There's another bastard running around named CrimsonKing without a space. Is this some sort of conspiracy?
So I'm in fourth grade and curiously itchy. The entire class is working on this project, the details of which I forget, but it involves lots and lots of sandpaper. Now, this was the first time I had to do something that involved this much sandpaper, and for some reason that got me really interested in the stuff.
After working with sandpaper for a few minutes I start to get itchy. Like, really itchy, to the point that it's become distracting and I'm scratching myself ever few seconds so I can concentrate again. After doing this for a while I notice the sandpaper I've been using and a very bad idea forms. I must've thought that, since the sandpaper grated things, scratched stuff smooth, that if I used it on my skin it would do the same with the itch. The odd thing is that at first it did. I started rubbing my itchy arms with sandpaper and the itch went away. More than that, though, my arms felt good -- it was a relaxing scratch. So I kept at it, rubbing the sandpaper on parts of me that weren't itchy to begin with, just because it felt neat and I was experimenting with a new tool.
But this wasn't enough. Why should I be the only one making use of the wondrous sandpaper in this way? So I approached two of my classmates, ones that, for whatever reason at the time, I felt the need to impress, and I started forcing the sandpaper on them, rubbing their exposed arms, necks and faces with it. I told them it was awesome but they immediately started yelling about it and I didn't know why until a few minutes later when the horrible burning pain started. Everywhere the sandpaper had scratched I hurt.
For the rest of the day and for a couple afterward I had to deal with the pain of sanding off layers of skin from my arms, legs, neck, back, and face. My friends were less than pleased, too. Boy, was my face red.
Man, toxic, that's about as good as drunk piss stories get. I thought my friend had the best. He did much the same of what you did, but he only managed to find his girlfriend's underwear drawer.
jotate on
0
Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
edited November 2007
I have a tendency to pee in odd places when I'm too drunk.
Toxic Toys on
3DS code: 2938-6074-2306, Nintendo Network ID: ToxicToys, PSN: zutto
Visited my mum, she had a friend around. Said friend is significantly younger than my mother but she's... uh... still padded down with years. We've just finished helping her with her luggage, because she's staying the night, and we made her sit down and drink some tea.
So I'm rummaging around under the stairs to find the airbed pump, when I hear the friend grunting with exertion.
"Do you need a hand?" I ask.
"No," she said, "I'm fine."
Emerging from the cupboard and seeing that she's just standing there, holding nothing more bulky than an empty teacup, I was conpuzzled. "Oh, I thought you were lifting something really heavy..."
Man, toxic, that's about as good as drunk piss stories get. I thought my friend had the best. He did much the same of what you did, but he only managed to find his girlfriend's underwear drawer.
Am I your friend?
Someone slipped something in my drink once - I had like 3 beer or so and blacked out. My now wife told me that I'd pissed in her underwear drawer sometime during the night after a friend managed to get me home...
So i had this friend on my floor when i lived in the dorms. He liked to get stumbling drunk. Alot.
1.
One night, i am hanging out in the hall next to the elevator with about 6 people from the floor. We've all had a few and are pretty golly. My friend walks out of his room and is, of course, stumbling drunk.
I greet him with, "What's up, (insert name)?"
He ignores me and just walks over to the elevator. He then starts beating on it while mumbling, "Is there anyone in there?.. Hello?"
I ask, "Are you ok, (insert name)?"
He responds by unzipping his pants. Myself and the other 6 people present can only watch in horror as he proceeds to piss all over the elevator door. He then casually walks back to his room. We all remain silent for about 2 minutes and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.
The elevator smelled like piss for weeks... but on the plus side it was extremely amusing.
2.
This one i only heard about because our RA became involved and had to cite my friend for drunkenness.
Apparently, my friend got stumbling drunk, again. He decided he had had enough and headed for home. He took the elevator up to our floor and went to his room. He realized he forgot his keys, so he knocked, hoping his roommate was home. The door opens. He pushes his way past a girl he doesn't know, assuming its his roommate's latest conquest. Before reaching his bed, he pukes his guts all over the floor. Now, with the alcohol freshly expelled from his body, he glances around the room. To his horror, with his newly recovered faculties, he realizes he is not in his room. In fact, he is in the room that would be his had his room been on the 3rd floor. However, his is on the 4th. So, my friend is now sitting next to a pool of his own vomit with the two residents of the room screaming their heads off. Sadly, this was his final write up and had to move out of the dorms a week later.
It pains me to realize that the only truly strange moment I can recall right now was this one time I was down in Toronto with my wushu club about 2 years ago. Now, we had just finished doing a performance somewhere (I think it was Scarborough Mall) and we were all feeling fairly hungry so we decided to hit up a Chinese restaurant. Ignoring how obvious a choice that may be we had a large table arranged for us, and so we started eating. About half-way through the meal I felt I needed to use the washroom so I went, did my thing, and then while I was washing and drying my hands I noticed this one peculiar Asian fellow walking in. At first I didn't really make anything out of it, I mean, he's just using a stall. How wrong I was.
This man was not just doing his business; he was making a vacation out of it. I kid you not, I heard some odd noises and so I looked over, and a few moments afterwards he hangs -- yes, hangs -- his pants on the stall door. This already seemed relatively strange to me, but it gets worse. He finally gets down to do his business, and how could I tell? The noise. He must've had horrible constipation or something because he was just shouting and screaming -- I mean, hands gripping the toilet seat, knuckles white struggling.
Needless to say I immediately had a look of utter horror on my face, and I peeled out of there shortly afterwards. My friends never believed me either, which was probably worst of all.
One of the less disgusting drunken stories I have is when my friend and I went up to an unnamed sporting goods store to check out the pistols, because he was about to enroll in the police academy.
Before he arrived to pick me up, I had a 6 pack in me because I'd just gotten off work. During the hour and a half drive, I had a 12 pack. Amusing things happened involving cans flying out of windows, but they weren't strange or embarrassing.
Anyway, we get there, and boy do I have to piss. So I go into the bathroom, go into a stall and free willy. As I'm urinating, I hear someone enter the stall beside me and I assume it's my buddy. So I say "Ooohhh yeah. A piss like this is almost as good as fucking your mom. In the butt, of course." Because I talk about doing his mom in the butt a lot. Anyway, I finish up, and say "I'll catch up with you later" as I'm walking out. Well, when stepped out, I saw my friend casually leaning against the wall waiting on me. I walked away very quickly and nothing more came of it.
This was a year and a half ago. That night is in my top 10 Drunkest Public Outings. Later on, I tried to start a fight with the guy running the shotgun counter, but it's ok because my buddy assured me I was justified. I've not been back since.
This is both strange and slightly embarrassing. Okay, so me and a friend spent the day in Yokohama, all went well, and we're heading back for our train station to Tokyo. Crossing a road an asian guy comes across to us, looking quite agitated and we have this exchange:
Nutter: Joseph Stalin building around here!
Me: Huh? (thinking he wants directions to some odd building)
Nutter: Stalin`s building was around here, he had a small penis.
Me: Okay...
Nutter: Lenin had no body, only a head. Stalin had a very small penis. This is all true, this is a true story.
Me: Right. *starts to walk away, nutter follows*
Nutter: Stalin had a very small penis. Adolf Hitler had no balls and a very small penis, this is all true. This is why he hated the homosexuals and the Jewers (sic).
Me: *incredulously* Is that true?!
Nutter: ...yeah. *looks worried and dashes off*
Amused me and my friend, at least, but in retrospect I'm probably lucky I wasn't buried in a bathtub of sand or something. Oh, and the day after I saw an old man's cock.
And people wonder why I fear leaving the United States.
Butterfly4u on
Butterfly
0
MichaelLCIn what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered Userregular
edited November 2007
Not a drunk, but still a college-days story:
In my dorm, one of the lit Exit signs had got half-kknocked off the wall by someone, so it was flashing and beeping every minute.
Being the helpful guy I am, I went down the hall next to the RA's room and climbed up on a chair to fix the sign with my Leatherman.
After a minute of screwing around with live wires, I shocked myself, blowing out the sign and half the lights in the hall, leaving scorch marks. My work done, I left quickly, back into my room and shut the door.
The RA came by later to see if I had killed myself. No, only socially.
I had a similar experience in Calgary. We were a few blocks away from the Calgary Tower late at night, and this dirty, disheveled guy stumbled up to us. He stood there for a few seconds, barely able to stand up, and said "Hey did you know that if you go to jail up here they only give you meals that are like *this* big but if you go to jail in the States you get SPAGHETTI!"
Then he stumbled off. We thought he wanted money, but he apparently just wanted to share.
Friend of mine asks me if I want to get food. I agree. We walk outside and he asks if I want Chinese. I loudly proclaim "Fuck the Chinese, man. Chinese gives me the shits."
My neighbors are Chinese. They were standing about seven feet away. I am nigh-certain they believe I was talking about them, although I've never had any problems with them (or vice versa) at all.
Whoops.
Salvation122 on
0
TL DRNot at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered Userregular
edited November 2007
Speaking of the mentally ill:
My girlfriend works at what is basically a halfway house for schizophrenics. So, between jail or the mental hospital and independence, they live there. Like 10 of them. And it's a great neighborhood, too. I bought her mace after she mentioned there were routinely crack deals and prostitution visible from her office window.
Their mannerisms range from the appearance of normalcy to comatose.
When I was visiting my g/f at work, there was a woman standing against the wall, talking to herself. Really agitated, muttering shit like "gonna fucking kill that bitch, oh man she's gonna die and I'm gonna stab that cunt..." with a facial expression to match.
My g/f introduces me, and she looks at me like she'd been reading a newspaper, smiles and says hello. O_o
Another time we were at an ATM in Cincinnati, and this old guy walks up and starts talking to us. Now I'm no sucker, so you know my hand is on my knife. But he just starts rambling that he's writing this dictionary and can't use and acronyms, so instead of ATMs, he calls them Dumb-tellers.
Like a dumbweighter, but the product of an insane street dweller.
Thing is, he'd marked her as his territory at that point.
Corlis on
But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
0
Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
edited November 2007
What can I say, chicks dig me.
It reminds me of another story.
Back when I was in high school, I had my first real girlfriend. It was a total drama releationship, but it was fun at the time. The girl I'm going to tell you about, I did not marry. I was 16 at the time and so was she, keep this in mind.
We went to the mall just to look around and hang out. After we got bored, we went outside and called for a the bus. It was going to be about an hour before our bus arrived, so we decided to go some where a little private and have some alone time.
We found a little spot on the out side of the mall that looked empty. At first we were just talking. No one came by or drove by during the 10 or so minutes that we were there. I got me an idea. So we started kissing. Then we moved to make out mode. I was laying on top of her, heavy kissing and running my hands on her over her clothes. Nothing too dirty. All of a sudden we hear,
"YEAH! FUCK HER HARD!"
She stops dead in mid-kiss. I just started laughing. She was totaly mortified. She pushed me off and said we had to leave and wait for the bus.
I did tell her on our walk back to the bus that I was going to fuck herd hard when we got to her house. She didn't think it was funny.
Toxic Toys on
3DS code: 2938-6074-2306, Nintendo Network ID: ToxicToys, PSN: zutto
So this story just popped into my head. I was about 8, maybe 9 and the family was together playing a game called Gestures (you get a word and you have to act it out so everyone can guess, family rule allows sounds and some words, but nothing descriptive). The word that comes up for me is Adams Apple. I read it as Adam's Apple and the only time I'd heard that phrase being used was in relation to a guy I know, Adam, and his Balls.
So for the next minute and a half I'm pointing to my crotch and saying "this" over and over. My grandmother starts laughing really fucking hard, my father and mother keep going "Balls? Dick? Penis? What is the word?" My cousin and uncle have a dumbfounded look on their face and my brother and sister and laughing because my grandmother was laughing (they were 5 and 3). After all this, I let them know what the word was and everyone just starts laughing really hard for what seems like forever before someone finally lets me know what, and where, the Adam's Apple is.
For maybe the next 5 or 6 years, every family get together someone would ask me where the Adam's Apple is, usually followed by me getting really red and leaving the room.
So this story just popped into my head. I was about 8, maybe 9 and the family was together playing a game called Gestures (you get a word and you have to act it out so everyone can guess, family rule allows sounds and some words, but nothing descriptive). The word that comes up for me is Adams Apple. I read it as Adam's Apple and the only time I'd heard that phrase being used was in relation to a guy I know, Adam, and his Balls.
So for the next minute and a half I'm pointing to my crotch and saying "this" over and over. My grandmother starts laughing really fucking hard, my father and mother keep going "Balls? Dick? Penis? What is the word?" My cousin and uncle have a dumbfounded look on their face and my brother and sister and laughing because my grandmother was laughing (they were 5 and 3). After all this, I let them know what the word was and everyone just starts laughing really hard for what seems like forever before someone finally lets me know what, and where, the Adam's Apple is.
For maybe the next 5 or 6 years, every family get together someone would ask me where the Adam's Apple is, usually followed by me getting really red and leaving the room.
Oh God yes. Guesstures is such a great game for embarrassing moments.
One of my cousins got a word. She gets on one foot and starts hoping, beating her hands to her side. We all look at her completely dumbfounded, and try guessing words, but never get it right. She just keeps doing that weird hop until the time's up.
Then another one of my cousins picks up the card and looks at it.
"All right"
*starts making circling motions over his head with his finger*
Someone: "Helicopter."
"Right on."
We just laughed so hard at how un-helicopter her gestures were. She later explained that she wanted us to guess flight, and then move up to helicopter... but for years, each time we had a family party and brought out the game, someone would mention the helicopter incident.
In my dorm, one of the lit Exit signs had got half-kknocked off the wall by someone, so it was flashing and beeping every minute.
Being the helpful guy I am, I went down the hall next to the RA's room and climbed up on a chair to fix the sign with my Leatherman.
After a minute of screwing around with live wires, I shocked myself, blowing out the sign and half the lights in the hall, leaving scorch marks. My work done, I left quickly, back into my room and shut the door.
The RA came by later to see if I had killed myself. No, only socially.
Shortly after the beginning of freshman year, I was returning to my room after class. I think I set my books down to close to where my shoddy lamp was plugged into the run-down outlet, for the metal broke inside the socket and shorted everything out. A foot long jet of fire blasted from the socket for a few seconds making a hellacious noise, and the power was knocked out in every room on my side of the hall. Somehow there was no damage to me or my stuff, and it was at least a way to introduce myself to the rest of the hall.
I had something like this happen to me while I was taking a leak during a trip to the movies. I'm just standing there about done, when I hear the door slam open and some crazy elephantine retching sounds. I zip up and waltz around the little corner to get a view of an Indian fellow projectile vomiting at the mirror. This stuff was everywhere. It had clogged the drain in the floor, filled one sink, and plastered to the wall.
I imagine I had a pretty bewildered look on my face, but all he said to me was, "I eat bad food."
To which I said, "Must have." I washed my hands and went back to watching Casino Royale.
October last year, my wife and I went to France on our honeymoon. We checked into a Holiday Inn by Disneyland Paris in the afternoon, and plopped down for a nap.
After some rest, we decided to head to their Disney Village shopping area for some dinner. We got ready, and my wife wanted to dry her hair after a shower. Now, I'd picked up what I thought was an electrical outlet and voltage adapter for her hairdryer- but it turns out the idiot at Circuit City didn't know what the hell he was really talking about, because it was just an outlet adapter.
After trying unsuccessfully to plug the adapter(with dryer plug already attached, genius on my part) into the wall. It wasn't really going in, so I naturally told her to force it.
The whole damned outlet sparked loudly, and scared the crap out of my wife and I.
At that point, I noticed that the TV and clock radio were not working any longer- and some lights would not come on.
Feeling like a complete idiot, we naturally stopped by the front desk on our way out and politely told them that for some unknown reason, our TV, radio and lights weren't working. They said they'd send an electrician up. This was at 9pm-ish.
This didn't happen to me, but was reminded of it from a post in the employee's lounge in G&T, where I also posted the story.
High school english, junior year. Cell phone goes off and its in this girls purse, so she hastily reaches in to silence it. After successfully silencing the phone, she pulls her hand back out of the purse when all of the sudden theres a loud sound of what sounds like keys vibrating rapidly. She throws her hands into the purse even faster and fumbles the purse to the ground, and I don't mean just dropped, but an end over end tumble to the ground. In what felt like slow motion I see the keys fall out of the spinning purse followed by your classic pink vibe. and I mean Neon Hot Pink, impossible to not see if your eyes are looking in its general direction, color. I would be lying if I said there was anyone in the class that wasn't looking by this point. For a good 10 seconds there is absolute silence in the room, except for the vibe that is still vibrating noisily on the ground. It's only broken when someone asks "Who would bring a vibe to school?"
At that point the entire class started laughing like you would not believe. We had the neighboring classes poking there heads in wondering what was going on. I think the girl was given an excused absence for that day and the day after, but I could never confirm that.
I can't think of a single reason that could be considered bad. Unless your a teenager, in high school, whose vibe just fell out of your purse for the class to see.
And before anyone asks, yes she was attractive. Many high school guys would even say hot.
I remember a story pretty much exactly like that in my highschool days but replaced the setting from school to partaey She ended up getting a whole bunch of em out. Not embarrassing, and definitely more awesome than strange, but worthy of a mention no less.
Posts
Only thing that compares is forgetting to pull the ol' foreskin back and having pee spray in many directions.
Highly unlikely to happen. I refer you to MythBusters.
And I have a fairly tame "wake up from a drunk in a strange place" story. In college, I had several friends who lived in our University's on-campus apartments. They weren't dorms, they were two bedroom apartments that were shared by 4 people each. And every one of them was identical in every way - layout, paint and carpet color, furniture. So my friends and I got rather intoxicated at their apartment. There were plenty of people from neighboring apartments at this party as well. Things get fuzzy for me after a while, and eventually I woke up in an apartment bunk bed. Except it wasn't my friends' apartment. I have no idea whose apartment I'm in! I'm fully clothed. There's no one else in my bunk. No one in the bunk below. So I got up, walked out of the bedroom, and there was no one in the common area either. The door to the other bedroom was closed. At this point, I'm a little freaked out, so I left the apartment. Only problem is that, like the apartments themselves, all of the hallways in these buildings look exactly the same, too. So now I don't even know what floor, or what building I'm in. I eventually find the stairs, get out of the building, and find my car. I found out later that I had asked to stay with my friends, but they had no room, so one of their friends offered up their bunk and took their absent roommate's instead.
I think drinking might run in my family...
I'm in an improv group at my college which is all male this year due because our two girls are either abroad or pursuing other interests. We'll probably get more next semester. Anyway we take a yearly trip to chicago and after having a grand old time we end up at an apartment during our last night there and we get shitfaced. One of the fellas puts on a maid outfit. There's an adorable little chihuahua there that I befriended. Anyway, the entire group is pretty damn attractive to be honest, and I'm a gay dude. There may be another one in the group but he wasn't there and is fairly closeted. Anyway, I drink a ton of rum and apparently I started kissing everyone in the group. Not making out, but just gentle little kisses on backs of necks, cheeks, and between shoulder blades. Then I pass out on top of a passed out dude (as far as I know - I don't remember any of this).
A couple hours later it's time to take the el-train back to our hostel. Of course I'm still roaring drunk and extremely sick to boot. So we're wandering back through chicago, and I spend at least five minute and 20 dollars trying to figure out how to buy a train pass. A couple of the sober group members just watched me try to work the machine until I figured it out. Then we took the train back, me trying not to vom the entire way, until I collapse in my bed and take an extremely nauseating and unpleasant flight back. I walked around the airport unshaven, hung over and sick, all the while wearing my "Masturbate" hat. I'm sure I was quite a sight.
Luckily no one was weirded out, they found my uninhibited gay ass very charming.
Man, I have a bi friend who does this sober.
Also I knew there was someone else on these forums who had my avatar. There's another bastard running around named CrimsonKing without a space. Is this some sort of conspiracy?
I tried that once... the pee didn't spray, but it went too far. As in over the bowl, on the floor, my shoes... I was sober too.
I think I'm just bad at peeing.
STEAM
After working with sandpaper for a few minutes I start to get itchy. Like, really itchy, to the point that it's become distracting and I'm scratching myself ever few seconds so I can concentrate again. After doing this for a while I notice the sandpaper I've been using and a very bad idea forms. I must've thought that, since the sandpaper grated things, scratched stuff smooth, that if I used it on my skin it would do the same with the itch. The odd thing is that at first it did. I started rubbing my itchy arms with sandpaper and the itch went away. More than that, though, my arms felt good -- it was a relaxing scratch. So I kept at it, rubbing the sandpaper on parts of me that weren't itchy to begin with, just because it felt neat and I was experimenting with a new tool.
But this wasn't enough. Why should I be the only one making use of the wondrous sandpaper in this way? So I approached two of my classmates, ones that, for whatever reason at the time, I felt the need to impress, and I started forcing the sandpaper on them, rubbing their exposed arms, necks and faces with it. I told them it was awesome but they immediately started yelling about it and I didn't know why until a few minutes later when the horrible burning pain started. Everywhere the sandpaper had scratched I hurt.
For the rest of the day and for a couple afterward I had to deal with the pain of sanding off layers of skin from my arms, legs, neck, back, and face. My friends were less than pleased, too. Boy, was my face red.
grating your friends faces off and shit.
you really didn't feel the burn until afterward?
Visited my mum, she had a friend around. Said friend is significantly younger than my mother but she's... uh... still padded down with years. We've just finished helping her with her luggage, because she's staying the night, and we made her sit down and drink some tea.
So I'm rummaging around under the stairs to find the airbed pump, when I hear the friend grunting with exertion.
"Do you need a hand?" I ask.
"No," she said, "I'm fine."
Emerging from the cupboard and seeing that she's just standing there, holding nothing more bulky than an empty teacup, I was conpuzzled. "Oh, I thought you were lifting something really heavy..."
She pauses. "I was just standing up."
...ack.
Am I your friend?
Someone slipped something in my drink once - I had like 3 beer or so and blacked out. My now wife told me that I'd pissed in her underwear drawer sometime during the night after a friend managed to get me home...
Wow...
So i had this friend on my floor when i lived in the dorms. He liked to get stumbling drunk. Alot.
1.
One night, i am hanging out in the hall next to the elevator with about 6 people from the floor. We've all had a few and are pretty golly. My friend walks out of his room and is, of course, stumbling drunk.
I greet him with, "What's up, (insert name)?"
He ignores me and just walks over to the elevator. He then starts beating on it while mumbling, "Is there anyone in there?.. Hello?"
I ask, "Are you ok, (insert name)?"
He responds by unzipping his pants. Myself and the other 6 people present can only watch in horror as he proceeds to piss all over the elevator door. He then casually walks back to his room. We all remain silent for about 2 minutes and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.
The elevator smelled like piss for weeks... but on the plus side it was extremely amusing.
2.
This one i only heard about because our RA became involved and had to cite my friend for drunkenness.
Apparently, my friend got stumbling drunk, again. He decided he had had enough and headed for home. He took the elevator up to our floor and went to his room. He realized he forgot his keys, so he knocked, hoping his roommate was home. The door opens. He pushes his way past a girl he doesn't know, assuming its his roommate's latest conquest. Before reaching his bed, he pukes his guts all over the floor. Now, with the alcohol freshly expelled from his body, he glances around the room. To his horror, with his newly recovered faculties, he realizes he is not in his room. In fact, he is in the room that would be his had his room been on the 3rd floor. However, his is on the 4th. So, my friend is now sitting next to a pool of his own vomit with the two residents of the room screaming their heads off. Sadly, this was his final write up and had to move out of the dorms a week later.
I love college...
Ya, which was really weird since my friends started howling almost immediately and I hadn't rubbed them nearly as much as I'd rubbed myself.
best out of context quote ever.
This man was not just doing his business; he was making a vacation out of it. I kid you not, I heard some odd noises and so I looked over, and a few moments afterwards he hangs -- yes, hangs -- his pants on the stall door. This already seemed relatively strange to me, but it gets worse. He finally gets down to do his business, and how could I tell? The noise. He must've had horrible constipation or something because he was just shouting and screaming -- I mean, hands gripping the toilet seat, knuckles white struggling.
Needless to say I immediately had a look of utter horror on my face, and I peeled out of there shortly afterwards. My friends never believed me either, which was probably worst of all.
God, that was awkward.
Before he arrived to pick me up, I had a 6 pack in me because I'd just gotten off work. During the hour and a half drive, I had a 12 pack. Amusing things happened involving cans flying out of windows, but they weren't strange or embarrassing.
Anyway, we get there, and boy do I have to piss. So I go into the bathroom, go into a stall and free willy. As I'm urinating, I hear someone enter the stall beside me and I assume it's my buddy. So I say "Ooohhh yeah. A piss like this is almost as good as fucking your mom. In the butt, of course." Because I talk about doing his mom in the butt a lot. Anyway, I finish up, and say "I'll catch up with you later" as I'm walking out. Well, when stepped out, I saw my friend casually leaning against the wall waiting on me. I walked away very quickly and nothing more came of it.
This was a year and a half ago. That night is in my top 10 Drunkest Public Outings. Later on, I tried to start a fight with the guy running the shotgun counter, but it's ok because my buddy assured me I was justified. I've not been back since.
Nutter: Joseph Stalin building around here!
Me: Huh? (thinking he wants directions to some odd building)
Nutter: Stalin`s building was around here, he had a small penis.
Me: Okay...
Nutter: Lenin had no body, only a head. Stalin had a very small penis. This is all true, this is a true story.
Me: Right. *starts to walk away, nutter follows*
Nutter: Stalin had a very small penis. Adolf Hitler had no balls and a very small penis, this is all true. This is why he hated the homosexuals and the Jewers (sic).
Me: *incredulously* Is that true?!
Nutter: ...yeah. *looks worried and dashes off*
Amused me and my friend, at least, but in retrospect I'm probably lucky I wasn't buried in a bathtub of sand or something. Oh, and the day after I saw an old man's cock.
In my dorm, one of the lit Exit signs had got half-kknocked off the wall by someone, so it was flashing and beeping every minute.
Being the helpful guy I am, I went down the hall next to the RA's room and climbed up on a chair to fix the sign with my Leatherman.
After a minute of screwing around with live wires, I shocked myself, blowing out the sign and half the lights in the hall, leaving scorch marks. My work done, I left quickly, back into my room and shut the door.
The RA came by later to see if I had killed myself. No, only socially.
I had a similar experience in Calgary. We were a few blocks away from the Calgary Tower late at night, and this dirty, disheveled guy stumbled up to us. He stood there for a few seconds, barely able to stand up, and said "Hey did you know that if you go to jail up here they only give you meals that are like *this* big but if you go to jail in the States you get SPAGHETTI!"
Then he stumbled off. We thought he wanted money, but he apparently just wanted to share.
My neighbors are Chinese. They were standing about seven feet away. I am nigh-certain they believe I was talking about them, although I've never had any problems with them (or vice versa) at all.
Whoops.
My girlfriend works at what is basically a halfway house for schizophrenics. So, between jail or the mental hospital and independence, they live there. Like 10 of them. And it's a great neighborhood, too. I bought her mace after she mentioned there were routinely crack deals and prostitution visible from her office window.
Their mannerisms range from the appearance of normalcy to comatose.
When I was visiting my g/f at work, there was a woman standing against the wall, talking to herself. Really agitated, muttering shit like "gonna fucking kill that bitch, oh man she's gonna die and I'm gonna stab that cunt..." with a facial expression to match.
My g/f introduces me, and she looks at me like she'd been reading a newspaper, smiles and says hello. O_o
Another time we were at an ATM in Cincinnati, and this old guy walks up and starts talking to us. Now I'm no sucker, so you know my hand is on my knife. But he just starts rambling that he's writing this dictionary and can't use and acronyms, so instead of ATMs, he calls them Dumb-tellers.
Like a dumbweighter, but the product of an insane street dweller.
Thing is, he'd marked her as his territory at that point.
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
It reminds me of another story.
Back when I was in high school, I had my first real girlfriend. It was a total drama releationship, but it was fun at the time. The girl I'm going to tell you about, I did not marry. I was 16 at the time and so was she, keep this in mind.
We went to the mall just to look around and hang out. After we got bored, we went outside and called for a the bus. It was going to be about an hour before our bus arrived, so we decided to go some where a little private and have some alone time.
We found a little spot on the out side of the mall that looked empty. At first we were just talking. No one came by or drove by during the 10 or so minutes that we were there. I got me an idea. So we started kissing. Then we moved to make out mode. I was laying on top of her, heavy kissing and running my hands on her over her clothes. Nothing too dirty. All of a sudden we hear,
"YEAH! FUCK HER HARD!"
She stops dead in mid-kiss. I just started laughing. She was totaly mortified. She pushed me off and said we had to leave and wait for the bus.
I did tell her on our walk back to the bus that I was going to fuck herd hard when we got to her house. She didn't think it was funny.
STEAM
this.
Well, why would she? Probably jealous of the herd.
It's his trade mark, after all.
So this story just popped into my head. I was about 8, maybe 9 and the family was together playing a game called Gestures (you get a word and you have to act it out so everyone can guess, family rule allows sounds and some words, but nothing descriptive). The word that comes up for me is Adams Apple. I read it as Adam's Apple and the only time I'd heard that phrase being used was in relation to a guy I know, Adam, and his Balls.
So for the next minute and a half I'm pointing to my crotch and saying "this" over and over. My grandmother starts laughing really fucking hard, my father and mother keep going "Balls? Dick? Penis? What is the word?" My cousin and uncle have a dumbfounded look on their face and my brother and sister and laughing because my grandmother was laughing (they were 5 and 3). After all this, I let them know what the word was and everyone just starts laughing really hard for what seems like forever before someone finally lets me know what, and where, the Adam's Apple is.
For maybe the next 5 or 6 years, every family get together someone would ask me where the Adam's Apple is, usually followed by me getting really red and leaving the room.
One of my cousins got a word. She gets on one foot and starts hoping, beating her hands to her side. We all look at her completely dumbfounded, and try guessing words, but never get it right. She just keeps doing that weird hop until the time's up.
Then another one of my cousins picks up the card and looks at it.
"All right"
*starts making circling motions over his head with his finger*
Someone: "Helicopter."
"Right on."
We just laughed so hard at how un-helicopter her gestures were. She later explained that she wanted us to guess flight, and then move up to helicopter... but for years, each time we had a family party and brought out the game, someone would mention the helicopter incident.
Shortly after the beginning of freshman year, I was returning to my room after class. I think I set my books down to close to where my shoddy lamp was plugged into the run-down outlet, for the metal broke inside the socket and shorted everything out. A foot long jet of fire blasted from the socket for a few seconds making a hellacious noise, and the power was knocked out in every room on my side of the hall. Somehow there was no damage to me or my stuff, and it was at least a way to introduce myself to the rest of the hall.
I had something like this happen to me while I was taking a leak during a trip to the movies. I'm just standing there about done, when I hear the door slam open and some crazy elephantine retching sounds. I zip up and waltz around the little corner to get a view of an Indian fellow projectile vomiting at the mirror. This stuff was everywhere. It had clogged the drain in the floor, filled one sink, and plastered to the wall.
I imagine I had a pretty bewildered look on my face, but all he said to me was, "I eat bad food."
To which I said, "Must have." I washed my hands and went back to watching Casino Royale.
After some rest, we decided to head to their Disney Village shopping area for some dinner. We got ready, and my wife wanted to dry her hair after a shower. Now, I'd picked up what I thought was an electrical outlet and voltage adapter for her hairdryer- but it turns out the idiot at Circuit City didn't know what the hell he was really talking about, because it was just an outlet adapter.
After trying unsuccessfully to plug the adapter(with dryer plug already attached, genius on my part) into the wall. It wasn't really going in, so I naturally told her to force it.
The whole damned outlet sparked loudly, and scared the crap out of my wife and I.
At that point, I noticed that the TV and clock radio were not working any longer- and some lights would not come on.
Feeling like a complete idiot, we naturally stopped by the front desk on our way out and politely told them that for some unknown reason, our TV, radio and lights weren't working. They said they'd send an electrician up. This was at 9pm-ish.
Upon our return, everything was fine.
I felt like such a typical dumb tourist...
High school english, junior year. Cell phone goes off and its in this girls purse, so she hastily reaches in to silence it. After successfully silencing the phone, she pulls her hand back out of the purse when all of the sudden theres a loud sound of what sounds like keys vibrating rapidly. She throws her hands into the purse even faster and fumbles the purse to the ground, and I don't mean just dropped, but an end over end tumble to the ground. In what felt like slow motion I see the keys fall out of the spinning purse followed by your classic pink vibe. and I mean Neon Hot Pink, impossible to not see if your eyes are looking in its general direction, color. I would be lying if I said there was anyone in the class that wasn't looking by this point. For a good 10 seconds there is absolute silence in the room, except for the vibe that is still vibrating noisily on the ground. It's only broken when someone asks "Who would bring a vibe to school?"
At that point the entire class started laughing like you would not believe. We had the neighboring classes poking there heads in wondering what was going on. I think the girl was given an excused absence for that day and the day after, but I could never confirm that.
I can't think of a single reason that could be considered bad. Unless your a teenager, in high school, whose vibe just fell out of your purse for the class to see.
And before anyone asks, yes she was attractive. Many high school guys would even say hot.