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Confusing Situation (girl thread)
BronzeDuck
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'll try and keep this as short as possible. For ease of reading, this girl will be referred to as J. I am 23, J is 26 and we work in the same firm, and although no longer in the same department, we do know many of the same people.
Backstory: 4 or 5 months ago, J got dumped out of a serious "settle down, make sacrifices, give up dreams, get married" kind of relationship. We started hooking up about a month or so later and it was clear from the start that neither wanted a relationship, all well and good. We had 2 agreements: 1) we would be exclusive on the physical side of things. If either of us slept with someone else, we would stop hooking up. 2) we would be completely open and honest about our feelings, especially if anything changed. Since then, I've slowly been falling for her and beginning to *EVENTUALLY* want a relationship, while being perfectly happy with the current arrangement.
Last night, I went over to J's and we hung out. I was really nervous because she has a date tonight and that she would come back or just call me and say "well, we're not hooking up any more cause this guy is better than you" due to our agreement to be exclusive on the physical side of things, even though most of me knew that wasn't true. I made a snarky comment about a guy on TV and she asked if I was going to be like that every time she got a boyfriend. We had "a look"(yes, it's silly, but that's the easiest way to describe it) and the moment passed. She reads me very well and is very perceptive so I figured she knew what the look meant on my end, which was "no I won't be like this when you get boyfriends, especially because I want that boyfriend to be me", so I asked her if it was a bad thing. She played it off and that was that. As I was going to leave, I told her that just to be clear, that look meant that someday I hope we can have a relationship, which led to a long talk about how she doesn't want anything like that, most likely for a long time (years). I said that I knew that and wasn't currently looking for anything like that, but that I was just being honest as per our agreement, in saying that I eventually wanted more. So now she's talking that maybe we shouldn't hook up at all, or at least not as often, which I definitely don't want.
She's one of my best friends, I really like the time we spend together (we get along wonderfully) and hooking up with her (we're very good together), and I eventually want a relationship. If we go from friends with benefits to just friends, I'm worried that I'll lose any and all chance I have of getting what I want and of having a hook up buddy. I'm also really worried that our friendship may suffer, while I watch her casually date guys, feeling....normal feelings in that situation, which could make close friendship difficult. At least if we kept hooking up, I wouldn't feel so bad. If I don't watch her casually date guys, that would be because we hang out/talk significantly less than we do now, where we hang out or talk almost every night, which I don't want either.
The other part of this that is upsetting me, is that in a year or two, when J is saying she might be ready for a relationship with someone, she wants to retire from the firm, travel for a few months, and then either go to grad school in NYC or Scotland for a few years. So I'm feeling down because it sort of feels that as soon as she would be ready, she would also be on her way out and not wanting anything, especially long distance (although if we had a shot and she was in Scotland or something, I would be more than willing and able to take an international assignment to try it out, which she suggested I do anyways if she went out there). I think we'd be really really good together since we have talked about most of life's major stumbling points and agree or almost agree on all of them, have lots of fun, have the same attitudes and sense of humor, etc.
We are supposed to discuss this tomorrow, but a) getting this out there in somewhat of an organized manner helped me think about it and b) Is this going to cause problems in the friendship? What should I push for tomorrow? How should I handle whatever we decide? Abandon the friendship? Only talk occasionally and don't hang out? Stop hooking up? Keep the friendship as close to as is as possible and keep hope for the future while dating around? This seems like something that could possibly bloom later, am I being retarded?
Backstory: 4 or 5 months ago, J got dumped out of a serious "settle down, make sacrifices, give up dreams, get married" kind of relationship. We started hooking up about a month or so later and it was clear from the start that neither wanted a relationship, all well and good. We had 2 agreements: 1) we would be exclusive on the physical side of things. If either of us slept with someone else, we would stop hooking up. 2) we would be completely open and honest about our feelings, especially if anything changed. Since then, I've slowly been falling for her and beginning to *EVENTUALLY* want a relationship, while being perfectly happy with the current arrangement.
Last night, I went over to J's and we hung out. I was really nervous because she has a date tonight and that she would come back or just call me and say "well, we're not hooking up any more cause this guy is better than you" due to our agreement to be exclusive on the physical side of things, even though most of me knew that wasn't true. I made a snarky comment about a guy on TV and she asked if I was going to be like that every time she got a boyfriend. We had "a look"(yes, it's silly, but that's the easiest way to describe it) and the moment passed. She reads me very well and is very perceptive so I figured she knew what the look meant on my end, which was "no I won't be like this when you get boyfriends, especially because I want that boyfriend to be me", so I asked her if it was a bad thing. She played it off and that was that. As I was going to leave, I told her that just to be clear, that look meant that someday I hope we can have a relationship, which led to a long talk about how she doesn't want anything like that, most likely for a long time (years). I said that I knew that and wasn't currently looking for anything like that, but that I was just being honest as per our agreement, in saying that I eventually wanted more. So now she's talking that maybe we shouldn't hook up at all, or at least not as often, which I definitely don't want.
She's one of my best friends, I really like the time we spend together (we get along wonderfully) and hooking up with her (we're very good together), and I eventually want a relationship. If we go from friends with benefits to just friends, I'm worried that I'll lose any and all chance I have of getting what I want and of having a hook up buddy. I'm also really worried that our friendship may suffer, while I watch her casually date guys, feeling....normal feelings in that situation, which could make close friendship difficult. At least if we kept hooking up, I wouldn't feel so bad. If I don't watch her casually date guys, that would be because we hang out/talk significantly less than we do now, where we hang out or talk almost every night, which I don't want either.
The other part of this that is upsetting me, is that in a year or two, when J is saying she might be ready for a relationship with someone, she wants to retire from the firm, travel for a few months, and then either go to grad school in NYC or Scotland for a few years. So I'm feeling down because it sort of feels that as soon as she would be ready, she would also be on her way out and not wanting anything, especially long distance (although if we had a shot and she was in Scotland or something, I would be more than willing and able to take an international assignment to try it out, which she suggested I do anyways if she went out there). I think we'd be really really good together since we have talked about most of life's major stumbling points and agree or almost agree on all of them, have lots of fun, have the same attitudes and sense of humor, etc.
We are supposed to discuss this tomorrow, but a) getting this out there in somewhat of an organized manner helped me think about it and b) Is this going to cause problems in the friendship? What should I push for tomorrow? How should I handle whatever we decide? Abandon the friendship? Only talk occasionally and don't hang out? Stop hooking up? Keep the friendship as close to as is as possible and keep hope for the future while dating around? This seems like something that could possibly bloom later, am I being retarded?
BronzeDuck on
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To be clear, you have a zero chance of a relationship, will probably lose your 'benifits', and the awkwardness will mean you probably won't be friends anymore either.
Just another painful life lesson dude. Sorry man.
2nd. Friends with benefits never turn out good. Eventually one person has feelings for the other. The other doesn't return the feelings and is like "WTF?" when you confront them about it. Be prepared to bail and find a new friend (no sex friend).
Well, I have no thoughts that she is not 100% honest with me when we discuss, so that is not a problem when we communicate. Basically, we talked a little last night and some today. I lightly addressed the issues that you both have raised and it's not a "eh, not you, but THIS guy on the other hand...." it's definately, "I don't want anything approaching a serious relationship with ANYONE at the moment, and I'm not saying either way if there is anything in our future because I don't want you to start hoping when I have no idea myself and may wind up hurting you" If it were a "no not you" issue, she would have said so and I would have dropped it and not posted here. Again, when we talk, we both say what we mean.
This. Why would she be going out on dates that don't end up in sex? It can't be just to make friends...because those aren't dates (IMO).
From my experience, I would bail out. This will only end up in tears (hopefully figuratively). You have feelings, and she might, but not in line with yours.
My condensed story: Friend and I get physical, friend develops feelings, I deny, we still do our thing. Friend decides to date around, I'm ok with it. I decide to have feelings for her, she denies, I get down. She dates someone exclusively, drops me, I get down more. Move on.
I've gotta say... that part about it "not just being a not you" thing?
Gotta say I wouldn't buy that for a minute. She may enjoy your company, but you have a pre arranged "you're satisfying my needs till I find someone I like better" deal going on. For her part, she's looking around trying to find Mr "better than you" and you are fixating on a person who has already let you know that the only reason you're around is to satisfy some of her physical and emotional needs... for now.
She won't even commit to any feelings for you at all, move on my friend, just pack it up and leave, there's nothing for you to see here.
It stands that you've told her how you feel and while she may like having sex with you, she may not feel like ever having a relationship with you. And in the meantime, she's keeping you around for *her* sexual needs while playing the field to find a guy she likes more. There's nothing wrong with dating multiple guys, mind, but it usually doesn't work if they know about each other.
That's what i was thinking - it doesen't add up.
I will address these questions tomorrow and let you know the result/answers, so that we can close this silly thread, I just felt very lost tonight. If she shirks the questions/honest answers, then I obviously have my answers. Thank you again for you perspectives.
We discussed everything today and both agreed that not hooking up for the time being is a good idea. I got satisfactory answers to all my questions. She agreed that we're really good together/compatible/natural/etc, now just isn't the time for her. Knowing that we were both discussing things honestly did a lot to make it easier. Maybe not the ideal result, but much better than I was expecting, especially with the friendship intact. Thanks everyone. This can probably be locked now.
Sorry dude.
Stop having sex with her as it will drive you crazy and you know, it's the standard rule for fuck buddies.
Satans..... hints.....
Read: Sorry bud, you aren't dating material for me.
Go find someone else. But it looks like you know that already.
Dating =/= relationship. Some people like to just go out, meet people, have a good time with no commitments or obligations. Just that simple.
I agree, that's true in some cases, but why would she be nervous about it then? Or call it a 'date'?
No no, I was nervous about it, mostly because I was worried that she would come back from it and break our little arrangement.
She was calling it a date because it was. She and one of our other friends went out on a double date. Basically she wants to go on lots of first dates just to meet people and have a good time, like Fluffy said.
Anyways, we talked again tonight for two hours or so and I made her spell everything out and we both laid out all our thoughts and concerns. I'm still unhappy with how it is, but that's life and at least I understand a bit better. We have two very different priorities on our minds right now. Sadly, her priorities had to win out since I can't force her to be in a relationship with me, nor could I convince her that we would be good for each other as anything other than friends for the time being. So now begins the getting over her and finding someone else, since I can't keep the sex separate from the emotions with her.