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Going through a 30s life crisis
Zek
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Disclaimer: This is mostly a venting thread but I'll try to turn it around into a question at the end.
Background: I've been working as a web developer since graduation (just turned 30), and moved to silicon valley about 4 years ago which was a considerable career upgrade. Learned a lot, been quite successful and enjoyed the job for a while, but it started to get increasingly stressful later on, in part because of a failure on my part to set expectations (too eager to please) and having too much emotional investment in the project. Then earlier this year the whole project imploded in a big way, but incidentally I had just secured a transfer to a new team by that point (same company, new project).
Lately though I'm still feeling a strong sense of burnout and disillusionment - even though my new project isn't overly taxing, I just don't feel invested or excited anymore about my life on this path. The sting of knowing that my work the past few years didn't amount to much in the end really made me start to reconsider what I'm doing with my life and what the reward was for all that hard work. My mind has been racing between a lot of different options, but the common point to start is that I'm strongly considering making a move to Seattle, since I only really came to the Bay Area for my original project and don't feel that invested in the region. Plus I have to live in the suburbs in order to have a reasonable commute, and I'm kind of sick of it and want to try living in a proper city (SF doesn't appeal to me).
However that realization that I'm not where I want to be anymore has really started to make every day a struggle. My lease ends in October and the pragmatic choice would be to move out then, and either find a new team there or work remotely for a little while to help wrap things up. As soon as I consider locking that in as my plan though, even a six month wait starts to feel like an eternity - every day spent here feels wasted when I know that I'm not staying.
If I could really just have my way and listen to my "heart" I think I would break my lease and move in the next couple months. Probably just make some excuse to my boss like my girlfriend got a new job or whatever to avoid burning bridges. Get there while the weather is nice rather than making winter my first impression there is also a big plus, I really dislike winter/holidays (wherever I am). Money isn't an issue and I have no doubt in finding work, plus as I mentioned my boss might be willing to let me work remote for some time, though I don't want to do that for so long that it becomes isolating. However I'm really conflicted about the social stigma of doing this, disappointing my new team and possibly revealing to them that I must be really unhappy to be leaving so soon. Everybody there is really career-driven and I'm not sure if they'd understand or approve. All those worries and responsibilities are now feeling really oppressive to me which only makes things worse.
So if you've read this far, have any of you guys gone through similar experiences? Either with a quarter/third/mid-life crisis situation, or just having to choose between a practical/rational decision or a more uncertain/emotional decision. If so I'm curious to know what your situation was and how your decision worked out for you.
Background: I've been working as a web developer since graduation (just turned 30), and moved to silicon valley about 4 years ago which was a considerable career upgrade. Learned a lot, been quite successful and enjoyed the job for a while, but it started to get increasingly stressful later on, in part because of a failure on my part to set expectations (too eager to please) and having too much emotional investment in the project. Then earlier this year the whole project imploded in a big way, but incidentally I had just secured a transfer to a new team by that point (same company, new project).
Lately though I'm still feeling a strong sense of burnout and disillusionment - even though my new project isn't overly taxing, I just don't feel invested or excited anymore about my life on this path. The sting of knowing that my work the past few years didn't amount to much in the end really made me start to reconsider what I'm doing with my life and what the reward was for all that hard work. My mind has been racing between a lot of different options, but the common point to start is that I'm strongly considering making a move to Seattle, since I only really came to the Bay Area for my original project and don't feel that invested in the region. Plus I have to live in the suburbs in order to have a reasonable commute, and I'm kind of sick of it and want to try living in a proper city (SF doesn't appeal to me).
However that realization that I'm not where I want to be anymore has really started to make every day a struggle. My lease ends in October and the pragmatic choice would be to move out then, and either find a new team there or work remotely for a little while to help wrap things up. As soon as I consider locking that in as my plan though, even a six month wait starts to feel like an eternity - every day spent here feels wasted when I know that I'm not staying.
If I could really just have my way and listen to my "heart" I think I would break my lease and move in the next couple months. Probably just make some excuse to my boss like my girlfriend got a new job or whatever to avoid burning bridges. Get there while the weather is nice rather than making winter my first impression there is also a big plus, I really dislike winter/holidays (wherever I am). Money isn't an issue and I have no doubt in finding work, plus as I mentioned my boss might be willing to let me work remote for some time, though I don't want to do that for so long that it becomes isolating. However I'm really conflicted about the social stigma of doing this, disappointing my new team and possibly revealing to them that I must be really unhappy to be leaving so soon. Everybody there is really career-driven and I'm not sure if they'd understand or approve. All those worries and responsibilities are now feeling really oppressive to me which only makes things worse.
So if you've read this far, have any of you guys gone through similar experiences? Either with a quarter/third/mid-life crisis situation, or just having to choose between a practical/rational decision or a more uncertain/emotional decision. If so I'm curious to know what your situation was and how your decision worked out for you.
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That is where I kind of see where you decision comes in. You could stick around somewhere that you aren't really happy anymore, or you could make the change. Sure the change can be difficult too (the army was no picnic in my case), but if it ends with you in a better place, it could be the right decision. At the end of the day, you should take care of yourself. 6 months can go by really fast when you're trying to plan things. If you are really worried about burning bridges, abruptly quitting and moving would probably make that worse than saying you are leaving later.
To your feeling like what you did for 4 years amounted to nothing is also kind of defeatist. I'm sure in those 4 years you learned how to do (or not do) many things, met a bunch of people, and gained some skills. While there might not be a tangible product, everything you learned is probably impacting whatever you are doing now. So maybe think of it more of a continuation of the project you left.
All I can really ask is, where do you think you should be, or where do you want to be? If your current situation isn't going to lead to either of those places, maybe it's time for a change. I also don't know your situation, but would it even be possible for you to move somewhere and work on your own?
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I started reading a lot of books on philosophy, and then just recently came across Alan Watts and Yuval Noah Harari.
It's helped tremendously when it came to understanding what I want to do with the short time that I have on this planet, having such a broad perspective.
Really life is about creating your own happiness, and your own meaning from meaninglessness whenever and wherever you can, in every aspect your life, and if you feel able to, in the lives of those around you, in an utterly cold, indifferent, existentially crippling universe. And find balance in everything.
You are everything you have ever done, or ever will do, both good and bad, it couldn't be any other way; otherwise you wouldn't be uniquely you. Embrace it. :cool:
Most work doesn't amount to much. Find another outlet that gives you happiness. I think everyone in my generation hit the "Things didn't turn out the way I wanted" wall a bit younger than people who are approaching it today.
The answer is find meaning in other things. Happiness is what you get to have when you meet all of your obligations and then get the freedom to decide what you do with a bit of your day.
Research a decision to move carefully. General disappointment doesn't really care where you live, by all means move if you want to but don't think of it as a fix. Maybe get a therapist to talk to.
I find pleasure in everything I can do because of my career. Running, camping/hiking, watching my kid grow up, gaming, travel, volunteering, etc.
I'm back in school (again) pursuing my second bachelors, with an eye towards grad school after I finish. Thankfully, physics is challenging, and I haven't felt this good in years, even If I do sleep less.
Maybe you need some challenge in your life? If you are just going through the motions every day, that can make anything you do amazingly boring and tedious, and it will start to affect every facet of what you do. You can change cities (a challenge!) but if you keep doing the same thing everywhere you go, you might not ever be happy.
2) Unless you get a job at Amazon or Microsoft, you're probably looking at a significant pay cut to leave the SV tech bubble, and Seattle isn't that much cheaper to live in.
3) We're the same age and were told basically our whole lives "find a job you love," which is bullshit. It should just be "find something you can tolerate that pays well". Like dispatch said, look at your job as a means to an end, not something inherently awesome or fulfilling.
The dollar is super strong right now, so maybe take a couple weeks and go to Europe or somewhere you haven't been before.
Also your wanting to live in the city comment confuses me a bit. I've only ever visited SF or Seattle, but if you want city living I don't know what you think you'll find in Seattle that you can't/won't in San Francisco.
I think that for most people defining yourself by your work is a mistake. I agree its important to be challenged and somewhat fulfilled by your work, but don't forget you can find challenges and fulfillment outside of work as well.
If your instincts say that your current team would react poorly to your decision to go remote you're probably correct. Some people take a developer's desire to go remote as a negative. Depending on how knee-jerky your managers are, they might even start counting you as "probably going to resign soon", and treat you thusly.
Have you considered starting your own company or maybe working for a much smaller company where you have more control?
Having been to Seattle several times (like, at least a dozen) while living in the Bay Area for the last 10 years (and SF for the past year), I would say that the vibe of the two are still different. SF is one of the densest cities in the US and the densest on the West Coast, while Seattle (outside of downtown) definitely still doesn't feel as dense as SF's less dense neighborhoods. To put some numbers on it, Seattle's 2016 estimated population was 686,800 in 83.87 square miles (8,188 per square mile) versus SF's 870,887 in 46.87 square miles (about 18,580 per square mile).
So Seattle is the big city, but I can understand the OP wanting a city like Seattle more than one like SF.
Around 3 years ago, just before I was about to turn 30, I was sick of the way my life was going. I had an extremely well paid but very unfulfilling job and I needed something that would change the way I lived my days. So I quit corporate to give entrepreneurship a try and while it didn't go as I planned, I had a lot of fun trying and learning new things, meeting people with different perspectives, etc. I am about to go back to a professional career (just had a full day interview marathon yesterday and waiting for the results) and my time away from corporate actually helped me clear my mind, make better plans for the future and now for the first time since I started full time work 13 years ago, I have come to the realization that work is supposed to be just that, work. I will spend 8-9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week on it so that I can live the rest of those 24 hour periods as I wish. I know many people of my age have listened to the famed Stanford graduation speech by Steve Jobs and working on something that you love sounds amazing until you realize that Jobs was from a different generation when technology was changing the way people lived their lives and population growth was not as fast as it is now, so there were more opportunities for smart/pragmatic people to work on things they loved doing. Anyways, don't feel down man, you sound like a person I would love to work with but don't feel so attached to your workplace, after all, it's just work.
Good luck!