I have diagnoses of Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent, mild) (/possibly cyclothymia? whatever, it's *jazzhands*), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and 'other' ADHD.
I've been seeing psychiatry folk and a therapist since last November. My anxiety is pretty well-managed at this point; I have difficulties with focus and motivation, and in trying to tweak my drugs, the oversensitive weepiness comes and goes, but I'm high-functioning regardless. What never leaves is anhedonia, and the question of what 'good' or 'healthy' means for me.
Looking back, I have struggled with depression at least since my early 20s, and at 35, I remember feeling that younger me had optimism as my default. Partly a coping mechanism, but moreso my personality. So one of my problems now is creating context -- I know what 'desperate bad' and 'apathetic grayness' feel like, and I'm decent at noticing myself backslide there, but I don't remember how happy and calm feel on a day to day.
I feel relief that I no longer need the security blanket of a benzo with me when I'm out of the house. But it takes a lot to get me out there, and "It's good for you," is basically whistling into the wind. I feel sad pangs when I remember my grandfather isn't alive. I occasionally get to zen-calm after meditating or the cats snuggle on me... and I still kinda side-eye myself when I laugh, it remains a touch unfamiliar. Because I'm in neutral most of the time, it's like I don't really feel
things, but I also know that's a defense mechanism from feeling so many things I can't tame and explain.
I'm a bit out of sorts because I'm between therapists, so hoping that gets sorted next week. I know there will likely always be some niggle of doubt, but I'm thinking I just need more time for my brain to adjust, physically and emotionally. I am impatient only with myself, so anyone who has gone through this process -- how do/did you know when you find your normal, ie your best self? The clinical explanation is rather lacking, and I know it's subjective, but I want those subjective stories for encouragement! It's hard to get better slowly after being sick for so long, but the desire in itself is improvement.