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He wants me to move out... (I saw a story similar to mine here, need help!)
Phyphia
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
We have been together for a while (4 years I suppose). 3 of those years we have been living together.
At first, we had a good relationship, but he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is emotionally stressful for me. My anxiety makes me stressed and depressed a lot of the time and he contributes to this, for example he will constantly wake me up when I am very exhausted and be inconsiderate like that. I on the other hand never do that to him.
The thing is, we haven't had sex in 2 years or maybe less, I don't know. I always hope things will work out for the best but he makes our relationship bad by constantly arguing with me...
To be fair, I am not as clean as I wish I was. I simply don't have the energy or time for it. I cook for us and clear up areas, but all my free time is spent on studying..
Here comes the issue, he doesn't really contribute to the household, I am supposed to clean for us both. Because he goes to work and I don't pay rent or anything, I am supposed to do everything. However, even before I moved in he had lived here paying the same rent on his own and when I moved in I had no means to pay. I paid half the rent before I started university with a part time job while doing housework though.
Fast forward, my university takes too much of my time for me to work, it is also located an hour away.
Year 1 of me living here I was hit by a car, which I got some money from . We basically shared this money, while I am also paying for university with it. However now he is saying if we were to calculate rent and food I would owe him so I cannot take the "rest" of the money I need to pay my university.
I don't have any family or friends I can stay with... Or anyone to talk to or get advice from, so this is really my last resort.
I also can't get a job here because Im living in Italy and it's a bit too difficult to get one in the area of work I want.. So I would need to move countries.
Another issue is we have a 2 years old cat, I simply can't live without him. I however feel so terrible making him separated from my boyfriend whom he loves and the house he grew up in. As well as I feel terrible making him travel with me, it seems so traumatizing and dangerous and he is the biggest scaredy cat.
I want to add that I love my boyfriend despite the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted and ugly and depressed. He hasn't initiated anything with me for so long... I try to hug him and be intimate sometimes but nothing, he will be grumpy.
I feel extremely grateful for all hes done for me as well. When my family wasnt there for me in tough times, he was. That is why when he tells me he wants me out, my world breaks apart. This home is for me the one that has felt most like home.
I can't really change my anxiety or laziness for cleaning things, I honestly can't deal with everything. I constantly have 4 hours or less of sleep.
This seems very disorganized, I just don't know how to lay all details out...
I just can't stop crying, because I feel like everything I built is being taken apart by him. He says I am taking advantage of him by staying here. Am I? I didn't think about this perspective and it makes me feel so horrible.
In the end, I should have never put myself in a situation where he is the provider. It just doesn't work like that. I am so worried that I will now be left on the street homeless, because I can't imagine a way to get through this. I don't even have a degree yet. Giving up university, which I paid almost all my accident money for is also heartbreaking. My dream is getting away from me. I also cant transfer studies, i can only suspend.
Please, if anyone can tell me what they think - pure honesty. I am not perfect, I know I'm a shit girlfriend. I just feel so unlovable right now and I don't know how to resolve this.
I may have missed a lot of details because I can't think straight, but if someone asks anything I can respond to it.
I just hope my post reaches at least one person...
Thank you, if you read this, I honestly appreciate you taking your time.
At first, we had a good relationship, but he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is emotionally stressful for me. My anxiety makes me stressed and depressed a lot of the time and he contributes to this, for example he will constantly wake me up when I am very exhausted and be inconsiderate like that. I on the other hand never do that to him.
The thing is, we haven't had sex in 2 years or maybe less, I don't know. I always hope things will work out for the best but he makes our relationship bad by constantly arguing with me...
To be fair, I am not as clean as I wish I was. I simply don't have the energy or time for it. I cook for us and clear up areas, but all my free time is spent on studying..
Here comes the issue, he doesn't really contribute to the household, I am supposed to clean for us both. Because he goes to work and I don't pay rent or anything, I am supposed to do everything. However, even before I moved in he had lived here paying the same rent on his own and when I moved in I had no means to pay. I paid half the rent before I started university with a part time job while doing housework though.
Fast forward, my university takes too much of my time for me to work, it is also located an hour away.
Year 1 of me living here I was hit by a car, which I got some money from . We basically shared this money, while I am also paying for university with it. However now he is saying if we were to calculate rent and food I would owe him so I cannot take the "rest" of the money I need to pay my university.
I don't have any family or friends I can stay with... Or anyone to talk to or get advice from, so this is really my last resort.
I also can't get a job here because Im living in Italy and it's a bit too difficult to get one in the area of work I want.. So I would need to move countries.
Another issue is we have a 2 years old cat, I simply can't live without him. I however feel so terrible making him separated from my boyfriend whom he loves and the house he grew up in. As well as I feel terrible making him travel with me, it seems so traumatizing and dangerous and he is the biggest scaredy cat.
I want to add that I love my boyfriend despite the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted and ugly and depressed. He hasn't initiated anything with me for so long... I try to hug him and be intimate sometimes but nothing, he will be grumpy.
I feel extremely grateful for all hes done for me as well. When my family wasnt there for me in tough times, he was. That is why when he tells me he wants me out, my world breaks apart. This home is for me the one that has felt most like home.
I can't really change my anxiety or laziness for cleaning things, I honestly can't deal with everything. I constantly have 4 hours or less of sleep.
This seems very disorganized, I just don't know how to lay all details out...
I just can't stop crying, because I feel like everything I built is being taken apart by him. He says I am taking advantage of him by staying here. Am I? I didn't think about this perspective and it makes me feel so horrible.
In the end, I should have never put myself in a situation where he is the provider. It just doesn't work like that. I am so worried that I will now be left on the street homeless, because I can't imagine a way to get through this. I don't even have a degree yet. Giving up university, which I paid almost all my accident money for is also heartbreaking. My dream is getting away from me. I also cant transfer studies, i can only suspend.
Please, if anyone can tell me what they think - pure honesty. I am not perfect, I know I'm a shit girlfriend. I just feel so unlovable right now and I don't know how to resolve this.
I may have missed a lot of details because I can't think straight, but if someone asks anything I can respond to it.
I just hope my post reaches at least one person...
Thank you, if you read this, I honestly appreciate you taking your time.
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Posts
edit: wait, he wants you to move out? take what's left of your money and go. he didn't get hit by a car.
I don't think the relationship is a healthy one. I realize you love him but you deserve more than to be in a loveless relationship.
I honestly don't even know where to start... I'm still clinging onto hope. And I do need some money if I'm to move out, since that rules out me going to university here anyways
Unfortunately, communication with him is impossible. He closes up and just ignores me.. He also doesn't care about my point of view on things.
I realize it's unhealthy, I just have no clue how to move out or what to do about our cat and university, It's all such a fucking bummer. Life's been such a horrid ride for me, since the beginning of time and just when things got better with university they got even worse. Having to quit and move out is seriously the last straw for me. I'm normally a very positive and strong person too.
Should i go to a hotel for a few days or something? I don't know, he can't stand me being here because I am too upset and I can't stop crying... so he left the house.
Italy
edit: I'd start by talking to a counselor or someone at your university. they can probably help a lot more than we can (aside from those of us in Italy I guess)!
If you can afford it, it wouldn't hurt. As for taking the cat away from him, that's not a big deal compared to your health and wellbeing.
Do you have friends or family you can stay with in the meantime until you figure things out? You may have to put university on hold until further notice.
If he won't talk to you none of this is going to improve, but the bigger question is, do you really want it to improve? What if it happens again? Also that bullshit about "how much you cost" is bunk, you're in a relationship and the living arrangements aren't a running fucking tally to be thrown back in someone's face to manipulate them.
I can't really afford it but I think I need to.
I really can't leave without the cat, he is honestly the best thing that happened in my life, as stupid as that sounds. I can leave all my posessions, pcs, everything, but my cat.
I don't have any close enough people to stay with unfortunately.
Thank you for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.. I needed an objective point of view on things.
Also, this isn't the first time we have fought to the point where he wanted me out, I didn't mention that part. I even left once, moved out on my own for a few months before I started university. I had a job then though... Then I got my accident money and he kept trying to get me back. It's all so fucked up, isn't it? In any case, I'm such a fool ! I can't help but follow my heart. it just seems like it is the final time now, it has never been so sincere. He added he dislikes me many times. I mean, I would dislike the me now too, wouldn't you? What sucks is, I used to be a cool person and it got lost somewhere along the way.
He's doing stuff that's really common among abusive people, isolating you and making you feel like you're worthless.
I wish I could be more help! Reach out to someone who you're even somewhat close with might be helpful, plenty of people would be willing to help if they're asked. (It may be different in Italy, I'm not really sure)
Also you're still you and you're still a cool person.
Edit: this was as best as I could find - http://www.direcontrolaviolenza.it/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship
The important thing is to prioritize your safety above all. Once he realizes that not only are you leaving but you're taking your money with you, there's no predicting how he'll react. Good luck.
Unfortunately its not a very big school and they don't provide help like that because it's private and 99 percent rich people go there. I pay 5000 a year (the minimum) to study there. It's the only school here that has the subject i wanted to pursue so yeah... Oh well. Thank you, I might ask them if I don't find anything else !
You guys have helped me a lot in processing the situation. I feel a little more certain about what I have to do now, thank you and I hope your kindness is returned to you a tenfold!
Thank you for the understanding. My situation seems to be getting worse as he is asking me to move out immediately and I have a lot of things I have to sort - quit university, find job, find apartment where they can allow pets.. And this is becoming impossible. He is saying that he is going to ask the Landlady to end the agreement in the next month, so I have 1 month to do everything or I'll be homeless. So stressful ...
They may not provide the services, but they may know where to point you if any exist. If they don't, try calling a bigger school to ask. There may be third party/public opportunities for students that a larger school would certainly know about.
And if that larger school has internal support programs for their students, would it be possible to transfer there, enroll in a similar program that has course overlap?
I don't know how far you are in your program, but if you can chip away at prereqs at a school that provides you some support, you could still stay in school, get your life restarted, then transfer back to your specialty school.
You can do this.
I know it's scary and stressful, I have been exactly where you are. I know exactly how you feel right now. The fear. The stress. The doubt. The guilt.
But you CAN do this.
You can find an apartment. You can find a job. You can get everything sorted. Take it one step at a time, one task at a time. You are a smart, capable person. Being with him, he has made you forget that. But how he makes you feel about yourself is a lie. Remember who you are and what you can do.
You. Can. Do. This.